Just need to vent...

[Joy71]

I just need to vent a little...

My divorce will be final on Oct. 28 and my resolve is faltering.

My STBX has cheated and lied repeatedly. We have been separated a little better than 2 years and the whole time he has pursued me intensely and we have made multiple attempts to date and work things out. A marriage counselor has been involved throughout. Each time I would discover that he was continuing to date other women the whole time he was supposed to be working things out with me. Our counselor does not think he is capable of being faithful. The counselor has suggested I go "no contact" with him and I have but it has only been a couple of weeks.

Ugh, so why is my resolve faltering? I don't know. It shouldn't be, I am stupid, stupid, stupid for still wanting to be married to my STBX.

I feel like I am trying to decide between the lesser of two evils. Will I be less unhappy married knowing he isn't going to be faithful or will I be less unhappy divorced and alone, missing him and the life I thought we would have. I HATE living alone. HATE IT! When did the option of actually being happy fall off the table? Why is it the only options I can see are which will be the least unhappy?

I know that God can fix anything, but right now that only adds to my confusion. Yes, God can help me rebuild my life after divorce. But then also couldn't God eventually change my husband?

I know I have to go through with this divorce. I just don't want to and I am hurting today. I have posted some over on the mature singles thread. I have not pursued any sort of relationship with another man as I feel strongly that I have to be officially divorced first, but it has been helpful to see that there are other people who are in the same situation. There are very kind people on these boards.

This is long and rambling... thanks for taking the time to read. It helps to get it out even if it is on an anonymous board.

Joy

 

[FaithPrevails]

It can be very frustrating when dealing with a STBX spouse who isn't willing to change their ways, but puts pressure on you to keep the marriage in tact. It would be wonderful if they could see past their selfishness to help repair the marriage so that divorce does not become an option. But, sometimes, divorce has to become the option and we get left picking up the pieces during/after the process.

Hang in there. I was like you and did not date while separated. In fact, I didn't date for about 3 1/2 years post divorce. I focused on me/my kiddos and the necessary healing that had to take place. I also focused on growing closer to God and, while I was lonely sometimes, I was largely content with being alone.

for you.

 

[Joy71]

Thanks for the prayers Faith. My youngest child left for college this fall so I don't have kids to keep me busy now. :-( I am actually living alone for the first time in my entire life. I think I would be doing better if my kids were still young and at home. I think as moms we have a way of forcing ourselves to forge ahead and stay positive for our kids' sake. Alone seems to be a whole different ball game.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Well, I had extended periods of having the "empty nest" when the kids were gone for breaks - sometimes several weeks at a time.

Find ways to keep yourself busy. I did some volunteer work, tried to pick up a hobby or two, and tried to be more involved in church ministries to help occupy my time.

It is easier to keep our chins up when we have young kids to focus on. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the marriage, but keep your chin up for your own sake.

 

[Joy71]

I am trying. Today is just one of those days I guess. All I can think about is the divorce and if I am doing the right thing. I can't seem to refocus my thoughts! Tomorrow is my niece's birthday party and I will have more to do and be around extended family so tomorrow should be better.

Just have to get through today for now.
Joy

 

[FaithPrevails]

Dwelling on things is one of our biggest enemies in the midst of any issue, isn't it? I hope you can find something as a distraction to get your mind off of it for the rest of the day.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Joy,
I HATE living alone. HATE IT! ... that made it a good rant to me ....

When I was separated, I was reading about anything that that had to do with divorce. I listened to a secular book on tape that was about the need for woman to learn to live alone and how that would add happiness to their life. It was a good book, but I don't remember the name of it. The general idea is to have friends to do things with. Be comfortable having some interests/hobbies you can do alone. If you can be healthy being single then when you add a BF its an add on not a desperate need. So you will chose a healthy man also and the relationship will be healthier. I think that makes sense. I also think that is working for me as a guy.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe getting back together is best. Or maybe near the conclusion of a divorce people, especially women if lawyers can be believed, have second thoughts.

 

[Conservativation]

Maybe getting back together is best. Or maybe near the conclusion of a divorce people, especially women if lawyers can be believed, have second thoughts.

Lawyers will tell you that inside 2 weeks of final date....."the jerk" looks better and better.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Lawyers will tell you that inside 2 weeks of final date....."the jerk" looks better and better.

So that is the time for "the Jerk" to make his move if he so desires?

 

[Conservativation]

So that is the time for "the Jerk" to make his move if he so desires?

Sort of. If he is overt, it affords the leverage again. Its the loss of leverage that creates the change of heart. being in a divorce is the ultimate control fantasy, you can punch and kick and threaten and control, force responses and reactions......the time during the divorce looks like normal life.....minus the jerk, to most middle class divorces who can afford those months. It may be tight financially, but pretty much she wakes in the same bed, has similar routine, I see churches organizing car pools to take the sting out of the logistical complications, and the jerk isnt there....pretty cool that.

BUT, the jerk is subject to reacting to legal attacks.

After finality, what is is, its harder to change things, and the jerk is usually so fed up he is chomping to get on with his life...this is true whether he is a real or perceived jerk. So if he makes a move, it will be rebutted at first. The move must be made at EXACTLY the right time.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Maybe getting back together is best. Or maybe near the conclusion of a divorce people, especially women if lawyers can be believed, have second thoughts.

I was even more sure of my decision by the end of my divorce and had no desire to reconcile.

 

[Godsent12]

I hear you sis! Look, I am in the same boat as you. I and my wife have been separated for over a year. Our first separation was in 2008 and during this brief separation she started talking to her ex boyfriend. Eventually we went for counselling and I told the counselor she needs to stop all communication with her ex but I knew she wouldn't. She blocked me from her Facebook page and have been out of town twice not telling me where she was going, and I know she's been cheating on me. Just like you I prayed for God to touch and change her heart but it seemed as though things just keep getting worst. One thing I told the lord was for his will to be done! I was tired of being depressed and sad all the time. Let me encourage you, I know its a devastating situation to be in, but as long as God is still on the throne you will be alright. Please hear me, it is not the end of the world for you, God will give you someone who is stable, respectful, loving, honest and truly God fearing. In regards to your husband's God gives us a free will to make right decisions. However, people choose to ignore right and do the wrong. I know it hurts because you love him dearly, notwithstanding the reality is he's not ready to truly commit to the marriage. You can pray for him that God would change his heart and it is possible but also know that the individual being prayed for has to respond wholeheartedly to the conviction of the Holy Spirit to change. God will not force anyone, that individual has to be willing so that God can change him/her. So my friend be encouraged and know that you are not alone. If you like, you can check my new book titled, "The Prisoner of Unforgiveness" its loaded with insight that will help you a great deal. This was written from my personal experience and I talked about my marriage in the as well. You can visit lulu.com or Barnes & Nobles. Be Blessed and be strong!