just need an ear

[ilenagnst]

Hello... I have never posted before nor have I been in a situation that I am now in. After 13 years my husband asked out of the blue that he wants a divorce. Why, because "He doesn’t love me as a husband should love his wife" The problems are diverse. I have told him that I can't just throw 13 years and two children out like that. He has agreed to a three month seperation with divorce to follow. Some hope but tenuous.



We have had counseling but my husband never is comfortable, we have talked but never resolved issues completely. We are newly separated (1 week) and I am giving him his space on his terms. I am taking care of the children, the house and working 2 jobs while asking nothing of him but financial support and what he is willing to give. He loves our children very much I have no doubt of this. I love him unconditionally. I just don't know what to do or where to stand. I am trying to support him, encourage him, let him know by respect and words how much he means to me BUT I have given up everything for him. Living in his hometown, near his family separated from mine, gave up 3 degrees and a career, sold a business because it was causing too much stress in the marriage, started in career that he was comfortable with, got another job to help out with finances. I am aware I am not perfect and have my own weaknesses. But I am trying to honor my husband yet how much is too much?



In fact I just had to have emergency surgery yesterday. I have had to rely on family long distance and the generosity of friends. I am not asking anything of him although I want to. It is so hard not to have my husband to hold me, cry on his shoulder or let him know how much I need him. I am afraid that that I will guilt him into support and affection. He is a good honest man. He has some issues that he needs to resolve himself. What more can I do other than pray? Am I too generous? I just don't know anymore. I pray everyday that God will give me the strength to make it through another day with hope and courage. I have heard advice from friends, family and been doing a lot of praying and searching for answers. I feel so helpless. God has given me a lot of trials and I know HE has a plan for me and I trust in him BUT I am unsure on how to proceed.



I know that this sounds so trivial to some of the postings that I have read. I feel that I need to sound off to others with faith. I will pray for all those that have shared their trials and I’m comforted that I am not alone.

 

[JulesM]

I have heard you, as has the Lord. I am so sorry for what you're going through.

Phillipians 4
The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

[car501]

ilenagnst, sorry for the difficult time our going through. First and foremost, the best thing you can do now is pray and ask the Lord to open your heart to what HE wants you to do. It may be hard to hear what he's telling you while your in pain, but pray on it and he will show you the way.
Secondly, if you go to church, seek out friends or elders from the church for guidance and help and make sure you keep those connections. They will be a tremendous help to you now.
It sounds like your doing what you need to be doing right now. If your husabnd wants space, you'll have to give it to him, as it sounds like you have so far.
As far as being too generous, you do what you feel the Lord directs you to do. Your husband has responsibilities wheather he likes it or not. Give him space, but, I believe you shouldn't let him skip on his responsibilities, at least as a father. If you need help with certain aspects of caring for children, if it be so you can work or because your ill, then he has a responsibility to help you.If you need help from him, ask.
Like I said, pray and continue to trust what God has for you and what He will do for you. If your not sure what your next move is, pray and wait. Remember, our time table and God's can be worlds apart, but he will hear your prayer and will answer it. You don't have to make any big decisions now. Good luck & god bless.

 

[heartnsoul]

I am trying to support him, encourage him, let him know by respect and words how much he means to me BUT I have given up everything for him. Living in his hometown, near his family separated from mine, gave up 3 degrees and a career, sold a business because it was causing too much stress in the marriage, started in career that he was comfortable with, got another job to help out with finances. I am aware I am not perfect and have my own weaknesses. But I am trying to honor my husband yet how much is too much?

It sounds like you have done as much as anyone can do. If I may be honest here, I think maybe you have gone a little overboard in trying to appease your husband. To me, a marriage is a three-way street. It's not just about honoring and meeting the husband's needs only. The husband ALSO needs to meet the wife's needs...AND MOST IMPORTANTLY--God's expecations of a godly marriage needs to be met also.

I don't know you or your husband well enough to psychoanalyze your marital situation, but if I had to guess, I think it's time for you to start doing for "yourself" and start making "positive" deposits back into your own bank, so to speak. In other words, it's time for you to start doing things to make yourself happy and begin "living" and "enjoying" life again. If you don't look after your own happiness and are constantly doing for your husband only, you may end up very bitter, angry and resentful deep down towards your husband. That level of unhappiness and hostility is not good for you or for your family.

I'm going to go out on a limb by saying this but I think if you begin loving yourself again and strengthening your relationship with God, things may begin to turn around. Let go and let God. Let go of your husband and let God deal with him. Patience is key here. It will take lots of time to restore this marriage. Both of you have areas in your lives that need improvement and healing. May God help both of you personally/spiritually grow through this marriage. God bless you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Hello... I have never posted before nor have I been in a situation that I am now in. After 13 years my husband asked out of the blue that he wants a divorce. Why, because "He doesn’t love me as a husband should love his wife"

What if you told him you know what he's talking about but didn't want to bruise his ego by mentioning it. Forthermore you never fancied him a quitter and you won't let him start being one now, nor will you lower to such a despicable level when you have two children and a covenant with God to consider.

 

[ilenagnst]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and God's truth. It humbles me. I have a lot to consider. I have taken some of what you have given and will open my heart to what and where God needs me to be and do. I am also going take time for myself to find "me" again. I said my vows before God "for better and for worse" and I will do so.

 

[CaptainMercy]

"I know that this sounds so trivial to some of the postings that I have read. I feel that I need to sound off to others with faith. I will pray for all those that have shared their trials and I’m comforted that I am not alone."


No posting of such a need as yours is to trivial for God or His people. We feel the hurt and confussion with you and are praying for you!