Just cannot do it any longer / long thread I am sorry

SSL · Aug 6, 2018

I have suffered from severe depression for almost 16 years not. I have tried to take my own life once, <staff edit>. I had all intentions if dying. This was 6 years ago.
I have always considered myself a christian. I pray at least twice every day, I read my bible everyday. I server on the tech team at my church.
I have been best man at 5 weddings.
I lost my wife of 20 years 5 years ago. She could not take my depression any longer. I still love her deeply, I cannot get her out of my head, I think of her everyday. All but maybe 3 of my friends stayed with me, all the rest went with her. Remember I was best man in weddings, I knew a lot of people, I had a lot of what I would call friends. I was not down to 2 or 3.
Shortly after that, I lost the business I started 25 years ago. I was voted off by other shareholders. I was founder and CEO.
In the course of 8 years I lost everything I had every know. The woman who held my entire world together is no gone. My business is now run by other people and lost all my friends.
I found another job, less pay, but its a job. I have tried to find other friends, but that has not happened. I would desperately love to find a girlfriend, someone to confide in. Not having human interaction, or touch in 6 years is terrible to endure. Now comes to my title. My faith is gone. To be perfectly honest, all these years serving Christ, being around Christians, I never felt close to God. I would ask people what it was like to "walk" in the spirit. I had never experienced that feeling. I always have considered myself a good person. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I try to stay healthy. I try to do everything I am supposed to. My faith is almost gone. So many terrible things have happened to me, my depression is sucking the life out of me day by day. I have very little left, and there will be none left. I do not want to kill myself. I have no friends, a job I hate. No companionship, after having a wife for 20 years. It is terrible to be alone. My phone never rings. I come home from work and try to find out why. I am a good person. Why would God tear my life apart, then not help me re-build it. I am a worker, I am not afraid to work. I ask for guidance, patience....nothing. I ask what I should do. Where should I go, what should I look for......nothing. <staff edit> I could be doing so much good. Severe depression is so terrible, most people have no idea what is it, what it is like. My ex-wife blamed me for our divorce. She has no idea what severe depression is. I tried to explain it to her. All she said was that the damage has been done. I know this is long. I am very sorry. I feel God has left me. Going through what I have gone through, waiting almost 6 years now for some sort of answer, direction, purpose...but nothing. How long must I wait. I give it 7 years. <staff edit> It is not worth living. I feel a good God with have giving me some sort of tidbit by now, something to go off of. I have lost everything, everything. How long must one go through the hell I am going through before enough is enough. How much suffering. How long must I be alone. I cry every single night, I am so lonely. I have nothing, and no one. <staff edit> Thank for reading I know it was long. I had to get it all out. I am bawling just typing this out. I pray for cancer. Take if from a child and give it to me. I am an adult. I can take constructive criticism. I am a realist. I do not expect quick results. But I have been praying very diligently for 6 years. I have been forgotten. Please let me know what I am missing. I should add, I am baptized. I not only attend church, but volunteer at church. <staff edit> It will be such a relief. Thank you again. I am begging for help.

“Paisios” · Aug 6, 2018

SSL said:
I have suffered from severe depression for almost 16 years not. I have tried to take my own life once, <staff edit>. I had all intentions if dying. This was 6 years ago.
I have always considered myself a christian. I pray at least twice every day, I read my bible everyday. I server on the tech team at my church.
I have been best man at 5 weddings.
I lost my wife of 20 years 5 years ago. She could not take my depression any longer. I still love her deeply, I cannot get her out of my head, I think of her everyday. All but maybe 3 of my friends stayed with me, all the rest went with her. Remember I was best man in weddings, I knew a lot of people, I had a lot of what I would call friends. I was not down to 2 or 3.
Shortly after that, I lost the business I started 25 years ago. I was voted off by other shareholders. I was founder and CEO.
In the course of 8 years I lost everything I had every know. The woman who held my entire world together is no gone. My business is now run by other people and lost all my friends.
I found another job, less pay, but its a job. I have tried to find other friends, but that has not happened. I would desperately love to find a girlfriend, someone to confide in. Not having human interaction, or touch in 6 years is terrible to endure. Now comes to my title. My faith is gone. To be perfectly honest, all these years serving Christ, being around Christians, I never felt close to God. I would ask people what it was like to "walk" in the spirit. I had never experienced that feeling. I always have considered myself a good person. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I try to stay healthy. I try to do everything I am supposed to. My faith is almost gone. So many terrible things have happened to me, my depression is sucking the life out of me day by day. I have very little left, and there will be none left. I do not want to kill myself. I have no friends, a job I hate. No companionship, after having a wife for 20 years. It is terrible to be alone. My phone never rings. I come home from work and try to find out why. I am a good person. Why would God tear my life apart, then not help me re-build it. I am a worker, I am not afraid to work. I ask for guidance, patience....nothing. I ask what I should do. Where should I go, what should I look for......nothing. <staff edit> I could be doing so much good. Severe depression is so terrible, most people have no idea what is it, what it is like. My ex-wife blamed me for our divorce. She has no idea what severe depression is. I tried to explain it to her. All she said was that the damage has been done. I know this is long. I am very sorry. I feel God has left me. Going through what I have gone through, waiting almost 6 years now for some sort of answer, direction, purpose...but nothing. How long must I wait. I give it 7 years. <staff edit> It is not worth living. I feel a good God with have giving me some sort of tidbit by now, something to go off of. I have lost everything, everything. How long must one go through the hell I am going through before enough is enough. How much suffering. How long must I be alone. I cry every single night, I am so lonely. I have nothing, and no one. <staff edit> Thank for reading I know it was long. I had to get it all out. I am bawling just typing this out. I pray for cancer. Take if from a child and give it to me. I am an adult. I can take constructive criticism. I am a realist. I do not expect quick results. But I have been praying very diligently for 6 years. I have been forgotten. Please let me know what I am missing. I should add, I am baptized. I not only attend church, but volunteer at church. <staff edit> It will be such a relief. Thank you again. I am begging for help.

I don’t know how to take this burden from you. It pains me that you are feeling so alone, and that you are dealing with the heavy dark shadows of depression (that I have faced before and occasionally rear their ugly head to me). I have no advice to give, but keep on with prayer. I will add you to my daily prayers. If it would help, I am willing to lend a sympathetic ear, as unworthy as I am, so feel free to message me if you like. I hope that others, wiser than I am, can give you better advice, but know that even strangers on the Internet have some measure of concern for you.

Pilgrim · Aug 6, 2018

SSL said:
I have suffered from severe depression for almost 16 years not. I have tried to take my own life once, <staff edit>. I had all intentions if dying. This was 6 years ago.
I have always considered myself a christian. I pray at least twice every day, I read my bible everyday. I server on the tech team at my church.
I have been best man at 5 weddings.
I lost my wife of 20 years 5 years ago. She could not take my depression any longer. I still love her deeply, I cannot get her out of my head, I think of her everyday. All but maybe 3 of my friends stayed with me, all the rest went with her. Remember I was best man in weddings, I knew a lot of people, I had a lot of what I would call friends. I was not down to 2 or 3.
Shortly after that, I lost the business I started 25 years ago. I was voted off by other shareholders. I was founder and CEO.
In the course of 8 years I lost everything I had every know. The woman who held my entire world together is no gone. My business is now run by other people and lost all my friends.
I found another job, less pay, but its a job. I have tried to find other friends, but that has not happened. I would desperately love to find a girlfriend, someone to confide in. Not having human interaction, or touch in 6 years is terrible to endure. Now comes to my title. My faith is gone. To be perfectly honest, all these years serving Christ, being around Christians, I never felt close to God. I would ask people what it was like to "walk" in the spirit. I had never experienced that feeling. I always have considered myself a good person. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I try to stay healthy. I try to do everything I am supposed to. My faith is almost gone. So many terrible things have happened to me, my depression is sucking the life out of me day by day. I have very little left, and there will be none left. I do not want to kill myself. I have no friends, a job I hate. No companionship, after having a wife for 20 years. It is terrible to be alone. My phone never rings. I come home from work and try to find out why. I am a good person. Why would God tear my life apart, then not help me re-build it. I am a worker, I am not afraid to work. I ask for guidance, patience....nothing. I ask what I should do. Where should I go, what should I look for......nothing. <staff edit> I could be doing so much good. Severe depression is so terrible, most people have no idea what is it, what it is like. My ex-wife blamed me for our divorce. She has no idea what severe depression is. I tried to explain it to her. All she said was that the damage has been done. I know this is long. I am very sorry. I feel God has left me. Going through what I have gone through, waiting almost 6 years now for some sort of answer, direction, purpose...but nothing. How long must I wait. I give it 7 years. <staff edit> It is not worth living. I feel a good God with have giving me some sort of tidbit by now, something to go off of. I have lost everything, everything. How long must one go through the hell I am going through before enough is enough. How much suffering. How long must I be alone. I cry every single night, I am so lonely. I have nothing, and no one. <staff edit> Thank for reading I know it was long. I had to get it all out. I am bawling just typing this out. I pray for cancer. Take if from a child and give it to me. I am an adult. I can take constructive criticism. I am a realist. I do not expect quick results. But I have been praying very diligently for 6 years. I have been forgotten. Please let me know what I am missing. I should add, I am baptized. I not only attend church, but volunteer at church. <staff edit> It will be such a relief. Thank you again. I am begging for help.

Father in Heaven, We're lifting up SSL and the burden he carries to your tender mercies and the love God has for His children. Bring comfort and encouragement to SSL in his time of need. Brother, know that we love you in Christ, and remember that God loved us before we loved Him, there is much hope in the goodness of God's will for us. May God's will, not ours, be done in all that we do, forever and again. In Jesus' name. Amen.

SSL · Aug 6, 2018

Pilgrim said:
Father in Heaven, We're lifting up SSL and the burden he carries to your tender mercies and the love God has for His children. Bring comfort and encouragement to SSL in his time of need. Brother, know that we love you in Christ, and remember that God loved us before we loved Him, there is much hope in the goodness of God's will for us. May God's will, not ours, be done in all that we do, forever and again. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Thank you so very much

SSL · Aug 6, 2018

Shoetoyou said:
I don’t know how to take this burden from you. It pains me that you are feeling so alone, and that you are dealing with the heavy dark shadows of depression (that I have faced before and occasionally rear their ugly head to me). I have no advice to give, but keep on with prayer. I will add you to my daily prayers. If it would help, I am willing to lend a sympathetic ear, as unworthy as I am, so feel free to message me if you like. I hope that others, wiser than I am, can give you better advice, but know that even strangers on the Internet have some measure of concern for you.

Thank you very much. I just thought I have been doing all the correct things. But isolated for 6 years is too much for me to bare anymore

Doug Melven · Aug 6, 2018

You are not being punished for anything.
You are not being punished to test you or strengthen you.
We live in a world where bad things happen to good people.
Those without God have no recourse for comfort except earthly things that will not comfort.
But those who are in Christ have the Holy Spirit to comfort them, and give grace.
From reading your post, I see that you think God has left you, but He promised He would never leave us or forsake us. Hebrews 13:5
So, even if you can't feel His Presence, know He is there.

Pilgrim · Aug 6, 2018

SSL said:
Thank you so very much

You're welcome brother. There are many resources available on Christian Forums, many are but a click away. I could direct you to the Chaplain's area if you want to speak privately with them: Ask A Chaplain...

Thank you again for reaching out, there are many here who will listen and help. Blessings in Christ, Pilgrim.

“Paisios” · Aug 6, 2018

SSL said:
Thank you very much. I just thought I have been doing all the correct things. But isolated for 6 years is too much for me to bare anymore

I have found that sometimes God withdraws despite doing all the right things to increase our reliance on Him...but I know that sounds cliche and doesn’t help at all when we feel alone. I don’t have answers, but am willing to walk alongside you if I can be of any comfort. Isolation and loneliness really do suck...no better way to say it. I feel for you.

(I also agree that @Pilgrim ‘s advice to talk to one of the chaplains might be helpful)

SSL · Aug 6, 2018

Shoetoyou said:
I have found that sometimes God withdraws despite doing all the right things to increase our reliance on Him...but I know that sounds cliche and doesn’t help at all when we feel alone. I don’t have answers, but am willing to walk alongside you if I can be of any comfort. Isolation and loneliness really do suck...no better way to say it. I feel for you.

That is very kind, thank you.

drjean · Aug 6, 2018

Depression is one tough diagnosis with which to deal! Please realize that there are many things that might cause depression.... mine goes into a downward spiral if I eat anything of fungi, or if I get into an area that is mildew or mold ridden (allergies!) The allergist says it affects everyone, some so mildly they don't realize. But you might have other allergies causing the same.

There are other factors but you need to try and research them out for yourself.

No matter what causes your depression (and it might be more than one thing, including stinking thinking) the way out is healthy eating, physical activity, and positive regard for yourself and God.

I and you, and everyone, need to be very mindful of how we think, what we meditate upon and make sure we add plenty of positive words to our lives. The brain creates the chemicals for the body (some that combat depression) according to how we think. The brain has no opinion of it's own... so how we think is how we communicate to the brain what to make or what to withhold from our bodies. Neurobiology tells us that thoughts are not ethereal but actually create. This follows what God's Word says... (see epigenetics, for example).

It's very tough to be alone. I am...and have been for many years. I can't think about it...dwell upon it... which is meditating upon it (when we think a lot about something that IS meditation!) or I get down on myself. Paul tells us to press onward... focus upon the future with God, and His perfect will...

Father lead us to find our solutions to our problems and issues, give us clear minds and help us to be content with what we have and what You wish us to do.

SSL · Aug 6, 2018

Doug Melven said:
You are not being punished for anything.
You are not being punished to test you or strengthen you.
We live in a world where bad things happen to good people.
Those without God have no recourse for comfort except earthly things that will not comfort.
But those who are in Christ have the Holy Spirit to comfort them, and give grace.
From reading your post, I see that you think God has left you, but He promised He would never leave us or forsake us. Hebrews 13:5
So, even if you can't feel His Presence, know He is there.

I know he hasn't left me. I am just wondering why I must suffer so long, even after losing my wife and business. If I just had a glimpse of something good that would work miracles. But 6 years. How does God expect anyone to be able to bare that?

Doug Melven · Aug 6, 2018

Don't magnify the depression, magnify the LORD.
I know this sounds like just another one of quirky sayings that people like to give when they don't understand what is going on. And I am not going to pretend I understand deep depression, I don't.
But, I know my God is bigger than anything we can face, even deep depression.
Jesus knows exactly what you are going through. Hebrews 2:18
So spend time with Him. Psalms 16:11

Jeshu · Aug 6, 2018

My dear brother you really are in it deep. i know about being down deep, i know about how it feels to be godforsaken, and feeling misunderstood and unloved. Depression is the pits as we both know to be true, but what you haven't experienced yet is the power of God's love in your life. This has very much to do with your depression because depression is the opposite of God's joy, depression is darkness while God is light.

i hear you about being alone. i'm not alone because of the grace of God my wife hasn't left me but she has to go to work because i'm too sick to earn our income so i spend a lot of days alone with my depression as well.

The good news is things can be better. Your depression doesn't have to be suffered to the extend that you do. Faith in God's love can bring you hope for better and hope in God's love will not disappoint you ever.

The question is who do you want to spend your day with? Do you want to spend the rest of your days with your depressed self or would it be great to become stronger than depression can bring to bear and fight yourself out of the rut you find yourself in holding Jesus by the hand?

That is what i did when i read in Scripture that these three remain love, faith and hope (1 Corinthians 13:13) and i realised that in my darkened reality i had none of these three. This made me realise that i had gone the wrong way and needed to turn back doing things the loving way instead of the depressed way.

Cultivating faith in God's love grows minute by minute if you let Him grow in you. Honest to love God others as well as self is the secret to escaping a depressive illness. So i want to encourage you to begin a relationship with Jesus that is based on His loving truth not on your depressive thoughts and feelings.

Grow away from your own negativity, despair, hopelessness, fears, bitterness, sadness and other loveless feelings and emotions our depression brings to life in us.

i still have a depressive illness but with Jesus i can master it and still experience good life and grow in His Kingdom day by day. All hope is not lost! Seek and you shall find. And what you sow in your heart and mind is what you will harvest. So sow love and goodwill and let depression go to hell without you.

Please consider staying around on these forums. We have quiet a few people who battle depression and more or less successfully manage their illness. We pray and support each other, often daily, you are most welcome to join us here on the depression forums if it was only for a rave.

Peace.

(Let God's Word comfort you in your loneliness and distress. His word is like a light on our path.)

Isaiah 55
“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a ruler and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”

SSL · Aug 6, 2018

Jeshu said:
My dear brother you really are in it deep. i know about being down deep, i know about how it feels to be godforsaken, and feeling misunderstood and unloved. Depression is the pits as we both know to be true, but what you haven't experienced yet is the power of God's love in your life. This has very much to do with your depression because depression is the opposite of God's joy, depression is darkness while God is light.

i hear you about being alone. i'm not alone because of the grace of God my wife hasn't left me but she has to go to work because i'm too sick to earn our income so i spend a lot of days alone with my depression as well.

The good news is things can be better. Your depression doesn't have to be suffered to the extend that you do. Faith in God's love can bring you hope for better and hope in God's love will not disappoint you ever.

The question is who do you want to spend your day with? Do you want to spend the rest of your days with your depressed self or would it be great to become stronger than depression can bring to bear and fight yourself out of the rut you find yourself in holding Jesus by the hand?

That is what i did when i read in Scripture that these three remain love, faith and hope (1 Corinthians 13:13) and i realised that in my darkened reality i had none of these three. This made me realise that i had gone the wrong way and needed to turn back doing things the loving way instead of the depressed way.

Cultivating faith in God's love grows minute by minute if you let Him grow in you. Honest to love God others as well as self is the secret to escaping a depressive illness. So i want to encourage you to begin a relationship with Jesus that is based on His loving truth not on your depressive thoughts and feelings.

Grow away from your own negativity, despair, hopelessness, fears, bitterness, sadness and other loveless feelings and emotions our depression brings to life in us.

i still have a depressive illness but with Jesus i can master it and still experience good life and grow in His Kingdom day by day. All hope is not lost! Seek and you shall find. And what you sow in your heart and mind is what you will harvest. So sow love and goodwill and let depression go to hell without you.

Please consider staying around on these forums. We have quiet a few people who battle depression and more or less successfully manage their illness. We pray and support each other, often daily, you are most welcome to join us here on the depression forums if it was only for a rave.

Peace.

(Let God's Word comfort you in your loneliness and distress. His word is like a light on our path.)

Isaiah 55
“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a ruler and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”

Thank you very much. I do read/have ready the bible for many years, and do know most of the "popular" chapters/verses. They just seem to ring hollow these days. Thank you again

SnowTiger · Aug 6, 2018

I hope things get better for you. I feel pretty depressed all the time too. I hear voices in my head that torment me all day long. I like listening to music and that gives me hope. I talk to people about my problems too.

I think it is good that you came here to talk. Maybe you can find friends this way. I have only one friend in my life, but he's my best friend, so I guess I'm lucky. I believe things can get better for you. You just have to hold out for hope.

I pray that you will find friends and companionship as well. Amen.

SSL · Aug 6, 2018

SnowTiger said:
I hope things get better for you. I feel pretty depressed all the time too. I hear voices in my head that torment me all day long. I like listening to music and that gives me hope. I talk to people about my problems too.

I think it is good that you came here to talk. Maybe you can find friends this way. I have only one friend in my life, but he's my best friend, so I guess I'm lucky. I believe things can get better for you. You just have to hold out for hope.

I pray that you will find friends and companionship as well. Amen.

Thank you very much. Maybe I did stumble across this website for a reason.

Jeshu · Aug 6, 2018

SSL said:
Thank you very much. I do read/have ready the bible for many years, and do know most of the "popular" chapters/verses. They just seem to ring hollow these days. Thank you again

Yes i know what you mean when you say that, but isn't that because you don't combine the word with faith any longer? That is how it was for me when the bible began to sound hollow and untrue. i even raged at God for telling us lies!

The truth is things can be better than it is brother you don't have to stay this low. Faith in His love can resurrect your good life, it certainly been like that for me.

Please pray for faith in His love and exercise it daily and you will see for yourself that God loves you to have a better life than this.

Be of good courage.

To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

SnowTiger · Aug 6, 2018

SSL said:
Thank you very much. Maybe I did stumble across this website for a reason.

There are lots of nice people here. I come here for help quite a bit these days.

Hoping things will get better for you! I like listening to Christian music. It makes me feel better. Here are some of the songs I listen to a lot.

Basil the Great · Aug 6, 2018

I do not want to say that any of us are being punished when bad things happen to us. Most of what befalls us is by pure chance I would say. As for a test, I agree with the retired policeman who became a Catholic priest and was interviewed on television a few years ago. They asked him what was the purpose of this life and he responded by saying that this life is a test, a test to determine where we will spend the afterlife. I agree with him. We are all being tested. Let us trust in God's mercy and pray that we will spend eternity with Him.

God bless you and may He give you peace.

Heart2Soul · Aug 7, 2018

SSL said:
I have suffered from severe depression for almost 16 years not. I have tried to take my own life once, <staff edit>. I had all intentions if dying. This was 6 years ago.
I have always considered myself a christian. I pray at least twice every day, I read my bible everyday. I server on the tech team at my church.
I have been best man at 5 weddings.
I lost my wife of 20 years 5 years ago. She could not take my depression any longer. I still love her deeply, I cannot get her out of my head, I think of her everyday. All but maybe 3 of my friends stayed with me, all the rest went with her. Remember I was best man in weddings, I knew a lot of people, I had a lot of what I would call friends. I was not down to 2 or 3.
Shortly after that, I lost the business I started 25 years ago. I was voted off by other shareholders. I was founder and CEO.
In the course of 8 years I lost everything I had every know. The woman who held my entire world together is no gone. My business is now run by other people and lost all my friends.
I found another job, less pay, but its a job. I have tried to find other friends, but that has not happened. I would desperately love to find a girlfriend, someone to confide in. Not having human interaction, or touch in 6 years is terrible to endure. Now comes to my title. My faith is gone. To be perfectly honest, all these years serving Christ, being around Christians, I never felt close to God. I would ask people what it was like to "walk" in the spirit. I had never experienced that feeling. I always have considered myself a good person. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I try to stay healthy. I try to do everything I am supposed to. My faith is almost gone. So many terrible things have happened to me, my depression is sucking the life out of me day by day. I have very little left, and there will be none left. I do not want to kill myself. I have no friends, a job I hate. No companionship, after having a wife for 20 years. It is terrible to be alone. My phone never rings. I come home from work and try to find out why. I am a good person. Why would God tear my life apart, then not help me re-build it. I am a worker, I am not afraid to work. I ask for guidance, patience....nothing. I ask what I should do. Where should I go, what should I look for......nothing. <staff edit> I could be doing so much good. Severe depression is so terrible, most people have no idea what is it, what it is like. My ex-wife blamed me for our divorce. She has no idea what severe depression is. I tried to explain it to her. All she said was that the damage has been done. I know this is long. I am very sorry. I feel God has left me. Going through what I have gone through, waiting almost 6 years now for some sort of answer, direction, purpose...but nothing. How long must I wait. I give it 7 years. <staff edit> It is not worth living. I feel a good God with have giving me some sort of tidbit by now, something to go off of. I have lost everything, everything. How long must one go through the hell I am going through before enough is enough. How much suffering. How long must I be alone. I cry every single night, I am so lonely. I have nothing, and no one. <staff edit> Thank for reading I know it was long. I had to get it all out. I am bawling just typing this out. I pray for cancer. Take if from a child and give it to me. I am an adult. I can take constructive criticism. I am a realist. I do not expect quick results. But I have been praying very diligently for 6 years. I have been forgotten. Please let me know what I am missing. I should add, I am baptized. I not only attend church, but volunteer at church. <staff edit> It will be such a relief. Thank you again. I am begging for help.

Your life sounds so much like mine the past 3 years....well you are not alone....there is a trial of fire....the testing of our faith taking place with many of God's people. I just came through my trial....almost lost my faith that God would answer my prayers but I finally rebuked that enemy talking lies in my thoughts and now I am moving upward. I encourage you to NOT LOSE FAITH in HIM....this trial will soon be over and God will reward your faithfulness like He did with Job.....now that man went through some trials! God Bless and I will be praying for you.

Just cannot do it any longer / long thread I am sorry

Why am I being punished for being sick/depressed?

a test

to strengthen me

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Praying without ceasing

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Praying without ceasing

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Senior Veteran

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Bought by His Blood

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Bought by His Blood

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