Just a vent

[olds8598]

My boss unexpectedly gave me the afternoon off today (because I work one day on the weekend). I wanted it to be productive time, so I decided to continue cleaning and remodeling my apartment. I am doing it a little at a time.

I chose several batches of papers and folders to filter through: keep, throw out, or shred. I figured I would probably find stuff related to my ex or the divorce (which was last year). Yep, I found stuff: correspondence from me to start the divorce (including a picture of her which I couldn't get into the shredder fast enough), a letter from my lawyer, and some other divorce-related documents.

I knew I would find at least one item related to her or the proceeding. I didn't know how I would react. Currently I feel a tad angry, somewhat sad, and have the desire to cry but it won't come out.

Two years ago this month my marriage ended. On April 15, 2012 my ex informed me our sister-in-law went back on her husband's word from two months prior. He had promised that if I lost my apartment, I could move in with him and his family. (In the decade-plus of a happy marriage, I had spent many a weekend at their place.) My wife would live at her mom's; there was not enough room for me there. I was out of work and it seemed I was headed for eviction. No reason was given to my former spouse for this reversal. When I asked her what did she say in my defense, her reply was "It's their apartment. You want me to fight my family?" 4/15/2012 is my personal 9/11.

Six days later, after a nocturnal epiphany, I was going to forgive my wife, her brother, and his wife--no questions asked. On April 21, 2012 I went to my mother-in-law's to speak with my wife. I relayed the prior night's epiphany and the offer of forgiveness. She said she wanted a divorce, no man in her life, and to care for her sick parents. Astounded, I asked, "I am offering total forgiveness and you won't meet me half-way?" "No" was her answer.

April 20, 2013 she was served @ 8:53 AM. She never corresponded with my lawyer or me during the proceeding. She didn't even get her own attorney. August 2013, the divorce judgment came in.

JUST NOW--THIS VERY INSTANCE--I see that today's date is exactly two years ago she made her divorce declaration . Unbelievable...the irony. I am not crying...just slightly sad, no longer mad, but shaking my head.



I'll get through this. I know I am still healing. My new job is going well and I was about to start writing to old business associates about getting my own operation back up and running (until I had a cry, which still won't come out.)

 

[dayhiker]

good to see you building a new life, olds.
I've been doing that as well and was just thinking a couple of weeks ago I have the life I want and its really an amazing life. Praise God for His grace.

 

[ValleyGal]

You've been through some really hard times, olds. I know it probably still hurts, but as you say, you have much to be grateful for. I was thinking about pain the other day because I have three minutes in which I have to give a testimony - and try to convince some of our church leaders to take a healing program. What should I say? I was thinking about how throughout my life, there have been many times of great pain, and always character development on the other side. When I took the healing program, it was very, very hard work - hard because of the brutal emotional honesty required - honesty about my own issues and the pain I've caused others as well as the pain others have caused me. But the truth is, the more hard work I put into healing, and went through all the pain, the more I could see needed healing, and the more I could walk in the freedom that Jesus set us free for. The only way through the pain, is through the pain. You've taken this painful journey through the pain....now that you are emerging on the other side of the pain, are you able to see how your character has developed? Can you see where Jesus was when he was with you in the pain? Are you able to walk in the freedom for which Christ has set you free? Be encouraged....Jesus never left you in all of it....

 

[Autumnleaf]

You lost out to her family. She made a choice against you for them.

That is a tough break but better now than later. Or better then than now? I don't know.

God has impeccable timing as long as we view things through hind sight. There are other fish in the sea and you have many adventures left ahead of you in this life. Perhaps with a woman who will choose you over all others.

 

[olds8598]

good to see you building a new life, olds.
I've been doing that as well and was just thinking a couple of weeks ago I have the life I want and its really an amazing life. Praise God for His grace.

That's awesome and inspiring. I am happy your life turned out that way.

 

[olds8598]

You've been through some really hard times, olds. I know it probably still hurts, but as you say, you have much to be grateful for. I was thinking about pain the other day because I have three minutes in which I have to give a testimony - and try to convince some of our church leaders to take a healing program. What should I say? I was thinking about how throughout my life, there have been many times of great pain, and always character development on the other side. When I took the healing program, it was very, very hard work - hard because of the brutal emotional honesty required - honesty about my own issues and the pain I've caused others as well as the pain others have caused me. But the truth is, the more hard work I put into healing, and went through all the pain, the more I could see needed healing, and the more I could walk in the freedom that Jesus set us free for. The only way through the pain, is through the pain. You've taken this painful journey through the pain....now that you are emerging on the other side of the pain, are you able to see how your character has developed? Can you see where Jesus was when he was with you in the pain? Are you able to walk in the freedom for which Christ has set you free? Be encouraged....Jesus never left you in all of it....

That is some program. I used to work in corporate sales and that 3 minute testimony is akin to what we called an "elevator" speech: pitching the benefits of your product/service in the short time of an elevator ride.

I remember the first therapist I went to in May 2012. She said the same thing: I had to go through the pain. I was not thrilled at this. But she and you were/are right.

Yes, I do see the character I have developed. I am much more self-confident and Christ-confident about things, and I fear Man much less.

Truthfully, I saw and felt God more in the eviction scare than during the breakup. Every time I felt fear about being evicted and homeless, I got this immediate strong Sense, "You are not going to loose the apartment!" It comforted me, and the Sense--I capitalize the "s" because I know it was Divinely given--was right. He saved me from eviction. I didn't loose my apartment because I found work and was successful in housing court.

In terms of the marital trauma, it was different. I cried, cursed, and questioned Him. (The cursing was at the situation, not at Him.) If His "part" was not as strong, it was different than the housing scenario. I guess He was making me use my faith more with the marriage issue than the eviction issue. I did sometimes picture Him, as I wailed in sorrow, holding me. I know He was with me, even though my interpretation of His presence is not the same as the housing trauma.

 

[olds8598]

You lost out to her family. She made a choice against you for them.

That is a tough break but better now than later. Or better then than now? I don't know.

God has impeccable timing as long as we view things through hind sight. There are other fish in the sea and you have many adventures left ahead of you in this life. Perhaps with a woman who will choose you over all others.

There are so many "I don't know's" to my break up.

She often put her family before me over the 10+ years of marriage but they were small things, like picking up her little nephew at school when she didn't have to instead of spending more time with me. But when she was into the marriage/spent time and attention with me, she treated me like a king. (And I treated her like a queen).

Another "I don't know:" was she in concert with her sister-in-law with the April 15 call about the reversal? Cultural aspects play a HUGE part in the divorce.

I used to crave answers for the "I don't know's." Now: [shrugging my shoulders.] I remember Joyce Meyer saying she wanted answers to things but was content just with that He knew the answers. I am the same way. Actually I am more like "I don't care."

Since the start of the marriage breakup and up to now, I know I will run into my ex again. It will be by her hand or His hand. I look forward to this like a root canal. My first words out of my mouth to her will be "What do you want?"

In terms of other fish, this is true. I have a Sense (see my reply to Valley Girl about this Sense) I will not die alone. I don't know if I will remarry. I probably could fall in love again. I might go "fishing" later this year. I am not in any rush.

 

[olds8598]

I woke up this morning 45 minutes earlier than the alarm and with a headache. (Gee, I wonder why? ) I was online last night for a millisecond because I was so tired. I saw your kind replies and, because I was so wiped out, decided I would reply tonight after I got home from work. My evening was going to be a double-dose of sports therapy: watching my favorite baseball and hockey teams. It was even a struggle watching the games, I was so fatigued.

When I got up I had a little something to eat and--for the headache--made strong coffee and took two Tylneols. Then I decided to respond here before going to work. Now, the headache is gone and my mood is improved. Thanks God, and thanks to you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

That is some program. I used to work in corporate sales and that 3 minute testimony is akin to what we called an "elevator" speech: pitching the benefits of your product/service in the short time of an elevator ride.

I remember the first therapist I went to in May 2012. She said the same thing: I had to go through the pain. I was not thrilled at this. But she and you were/are right.

Yes, I do see the character I have developed. I am much more self-confident and Christ-confident about things, and I fear Man much less.

Truthfully, I saw and felt God more in the eviction scare than during the breakup. Every time I felt fear about being evicted and homeless, I got this immediate strong Sense, "You are not going to loose the apartment!" It comforted me, and the Sense--I capitalize the "s" because I know it was Divinely given--was right. He saved me from eviction. I didn't loose my apartment because I found work and was successful in housing court.

In terms of the marital trauma, it was different. I cried, cursed, and questioned Him. (The cursing was at the situation, not at Him.) If His "part" was not as strong, it was different than the housing scenario. I guess He was making me use my faith more with the marriage issue than the eviction issue. I did sometimes picture Him, as I wailed in sorrow, holding me. I know He was with me, even though my interpretation of His presence is not the same as the housing trauma.

The vibe I get is she is asian. I could go into stereotypes and assumptions based on that leap but I won't.

I will say, before I got married I was a young guy on a red eye plane trip sitting next to some divorced old guy who told me all about how me getting married to my gf was like a guy who had a watch factory and was considering taking on a partner who might not be as into the business as I was. He talked about how such women tend to gain weight over the years etc... and I was annoyed and disgusted by his arrogance... and now I laugh at the accuracy of his little talk. Did God send him? I don't know. Its one of those things.

You have your experience, strength and hope to share with others having been through that. I think our experiences prepare us for God to be able to use us to help others. Sometimes I don't like that very much but who am I to complain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iL95ShPydfc

 

[olds8598]

The vibe I get is she is asian. I could go into stereotypes and assumptions based on that leap but I won't.

I will say, before I got married I was a young guy on a red eye plane trip sitting next to some divorced old guy who told me all about how me getting married to my gf was like a guy who had a watch factory and was considering taking on a partner who might not be as into the business as I was. He talked about how such women tend to gain weight over the years etc... and I was annoyed and disgusted by his arrogance... and now I laugh at the accuracy of his little talk. Did God send him? I don't know. Its one of those things.

You have your experience, strength and hope to share with others having been through that. I think our experiences prepare us for God to be able to use us to help others. Sometimes I don't like that very much but who am I to complain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iL95ShPydfc

No. My ex is Dominican.

I remember when I suffered from anxiety some years ago and I helped online fellow sufferers. It was a good feeling, and lessened the negativity of the illness. I think I said a few encouraging things on this forum.

There's a saying, "I wept because I had no shoes, then I saw a man with no feet." When I was in housing court I met a guy who was married 23 years and his wife--who used to do their bills--left him for a guy she met on Facebook a couple weeks prior.

 

[Autumnleaf]

No. My ex is Dominican.

I remember when I suffered from anxiety some years ago and I helped online fellow sufferers. It was a good feeling, and lessened the negativity of the illness. I think I said a few encouraging things on this forum.

There's a saying, "I wept because I had no shoes, then I saw a man with no feet." When I was in housing court I met a guy who was married 23 years and his wife--who used to do their bills--left him for a guy she met on Facebook a couple weeks prior.

I'm totally ignorant about Dominicans.

I've heard facebook is killing many relationships and starting many more. I wonder if those are working out any better.

Its hard being a guy these days, but I suspect its always been that way for one reason or another. Men need something like a fellowship, but I'm not sure exactly what it should be.

 

[olds8598]

I'm totally ignorant about Dominicans.

I've heard facebook is killing many relationships and starting many more. I wonder if those are working out any better.

Its hard being a guy these days, but I suspect its always been that way for one reason or another. Men need something like a fellowship, but I'm not sure exactly what it should be.

I learned from other Dominicans that many women, when their parents are ill, will leave the spouse to care for them.

In May 2012 when my ex came to get the rest of her stuff, she came with her brother (not the one who betrayed me). When he and I were alone waiting for the elevator to bring down her things, he looked at me with such a pained look, put his hand over heart, and apologized for what his sister was doing. Then he told me his wife was doing the same thing: leaving him to return to the "nest." Immediately I thought to myself: my wife and her two sister-in-laws are nuts.

 

[dayhiker]

That is an interesting cultural things it sounds like. I guess its one way people could look at honoring your parents. But there surely is a way that parents can be looked after without starting but leaving your marriage.

 

[olds8598]

That is an interesting cultural things it sounds like. I guess its one way people could look at honoring your parents. But there surely is a way that parents can be looked after without starting but leaving your marriage.

For me, it takes a noble and positive thing (elder care) and turns it into an incredible negativity.

My ex also forgot that her marriage was supposed to come before her immediate family.

 

[dayhiker]

Understand ... pretty sad.

 

[olds8598]

Understand ... pretty sad.

Yes, my friend. Sad on both points.