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MusicalProgrammer

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Hahaha, although in my genre, that was always a viola joke. ;)


Here's a few:


Q: If you're driving and you see a violist and a conductor in the road, who do you run over first?

A: The violist - business before pleasure.


Q: What is a string quartet comprised of?

A: A good violinst, a bad violinist, a former violinst, and someone who hates the violin


Q: How do you get a violist to play tremolo?

A: Write a whole note with "Solo" above it.
 
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ConCo

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Noah' Ark

And the Lord saith unto Noah, "Where is the ark which I commanded thee to build?"

And Noah replied, "Behold, when I journeyed to the Jordan County Planning and Zoning office for a permit, verily they railed against me and said, "Thy property is not zoned for an ark thirty cubits high. Thou wouldst require a 1040 review, environmental impact studies and a public hearing for a variance..."

"And behold, when I toldst them it would be a temporary usage, they asked where I was going with a three-storied ark? I explainest to them about the flood, the waters from the great deep and the flood-gates of the sky. And behold, they wentest berserk and ranted about water rights and minimum stream flow regulations and flood plain studies. I barely escaped with my life.

"An another thing, oh Lord, my lot is zoned for a single-family dwelling, and Thou has planned ark condos for even my three sons and their wives. That wouldst be a multifamily development.

"That reminded me, oh Lord, last week at the homeowners' meeting, I mentioned the animals. They reminded me of the covenants. Feeling a little defensive, I gave them your requisition list... lions, elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens, monkeys, two by two, and fowls of the air, seven by seven. Behold, Lord, they completely lost their sense of humor and sought to smite me. But I will work on it. Couldst Thou please assign a bodyguard?"

And the Lord saith, "Noah, faithful servant, doest thy best...I'll take care of you. But I need the ark completed in two fortnights. Do not faileth!"

Noah answered and said, "It will be so."

But it was not so. And the Lord saith, "Noah, where is the ark?"

And Noah saith, "Lord, behold, the building department hath been giving me fits. Thou didst specify gopherwood beams on one cubit centers on the second level. Code requires that gopherwood beams be placed on half cubit centers on that level to give adequate bearing strength for the elephants, hippos and rhinos. When I left, they were calling Planning and Zoning, asking about zoning for a zoo or circus. Lord, I thinketh that we are in trouble with the animals.

"And Lord, The plan checker wenteth into a fit and gnashed his teeth when he saw that the plans called for only one door on the whole building. He declareth that a structure of this size requireth two exits on each level."

And the Lord saith, "Noah, my schedule called for the ark to be completed before Christmas. Worketh thou very hard!"

And Noah answered, "Christmas? What's Christmas?"

"In by Christmas time! It's just an expression used in the building trade. It doesn't mean a thing."

And Noah answered, "Verily, it shall be done."

But behold, it was not done. And the Lord saith, "Noah, the ark is not ready."

And Noah answered, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill and last Monday was a holiday. And the fowls of the air Thou ordered by sevens are now sold only in half-dozen lots."

Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying "Oh Lord, I am undone."

And the Lord replieth with compassion, "Take heart, Noah. Now thou understandeth why I have called for a flood to descend upon the earth." ::clp:: [/ ::clp::^_^:clap:^_^
 
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MJ_Avalanche

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Something my (former) jazz band director forwarded.

The new composers' dictionary


Adagio Frommagio - To play in a slow and cheesy manner.



Angus Dei - To play with a divine, beefy tone.



A Patella - Unaccompanied knee-slapping.



Frugalhorn - A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.



Dill Piccolino - A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.



Approximento - A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.
 
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MusicalProgrammer

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LOL, classic! :thumbsup:


Here're a few more one-liners:


What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
 
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elenas_flickaby

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Miss_Music said:
tell me some good musically oriented jokes!

i'll start...

how do you get a section of 7 flutes in tune?
shoot 6 of them!

hehehe... an oldie but a goodie...

i tell that slightly differently ;)

how do you get two oboes to play in tune?
shoot one of them

How do you get two flutes to play in tune?
shoot both of them!
 
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AnutyLou

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How do you make a soprano's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear.

Why does the viola player stand outside the house at a party?
He can't find the key and he doesn't know when to come in.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
It burns longer

What is a burning oboe good for?
To set fire to a bassoon.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin

Mezzo-soprano and a conductor are thrown off a cliff. Which hits the bottom first?
First possible answer: The conductor, the mezzo has to stop to ask for directions
Second possible answer: Who cares anyway?
 
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Vulgivagus hagiographus

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Oo! Music jokes! :D

There was this trombonist who when to a restaurant, and remembered about halfway through the meal that he had left his car unlocked with his trombone in it. He quickly went to his car only to discover that there were two more trombones in the back seat!

What do you call a trombone buried up to the bell in sand?
Not enough sand.

What is the difference between a trombone squished in the road and a snake squished in the road?
There are tire marks by the snake.

Never trust an instrument that changes shape as you play it.

Trombone is for people who can’t read music and move their fingers at the same time.

How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take him an hour to get it in the right position.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get high enough.

How many clarinet players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but they go through a whole box of light bulbs before they find one they like.

How rock artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to handle the bulbs, one to smash the old bulb on his forehead, and one to write a song about the event.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He just holds up the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.
 
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romaneagle13

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I always liked some of the jokes about temperamental opera singers. I'll share my favorite.

An opera company comes to play on tour in a busy town. The company is all booked at one hotel. Most of the musicians and singers are pleased with their acccomodations, but the two prima donnas (the Wagnerian and the coloratura) are fighting over the hotel's luxury suite. The Wagnerian soprano pushes her rival away and rushes into the suite and locks herself in. She declares loudly to the impresario, hotel manager, and the other soprano that she is claiming the suite and will not give it up. The coloratura soprano is infuriated and threatens to leave the company if she does not get the same suite. The impresario begs her to consider other accomodations and asks the hotel manager to get her another room. She swears that no other room in the hotel will do and that she wants a locksmith to come force the Wagnerian out.

Desperately, the impresario asks if there are any other luxury suites available. The hotel manager tells the impresario that there is only one other suite like that one. But the coloratura soprano resists and says that she won't accept anything else--she wants the one the other prima donna is in. "But", the hotel manager tells the impresario, "she couldn't have that suite anyway. It is being reserved for the Duchess of Waldenshire who is arriving here tomorrow." The coloratura comes over and asks if she could see that suite. "Oh no", the manager says, "it is taken and I couldn't let anyone in now. It's just been cleaned and the fruit baskets and flowers are being delivered soon as well as the chocolates on the pillow. Just the way the Duchess likes it. I couldn't spoil it by opening it up and giving a tour." "Oh, please", begs the soprano, "I wouldn't mess anything up. I'd just like to see it." The manager relents and takes her and the impresario to the suite and opens the door. The coloratura rushes in and locks the door. "Tell the Duchess she'll have to stay somewhere else now! This room is mine!"

The impresario looks at the hotel manager and asks in a worried voice, "what will we do?" "Where is the Duchess going to stay now?" The hotel manager whispers, "What Duchess?"
 
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Tomoz

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:D :D Oh man these are all so good!!:D :D


Whats the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


What do you say to a banjo player in a three piece suit?

"will the defendant please rise"


Whats the difference between 1st violins and 2nd violins?

About a bar and a half


How do you know when you're kissing a horn player?

They shove their hand up your butt.
 
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Pro_Photog1970

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What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw? [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.[/FONT]

What is a gentleman?
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.[/FONT]

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.[/FONT]

How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi, How are you? I'm better than you."

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's much too sensitive for that.

What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I wanna be a trumpet player when I grow up!"
"But Johnny, you can't do both."

What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until his money ran out.

---------------------

Yes, I used to play trumpet in High School Band.
 
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