Negotiations between union members and their employer were
at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were
flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief
negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,
"This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an
excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could
have had if he hadn't been sick!"
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes
into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible
crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the
politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted
into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a
rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and
fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts
had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He
looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target.
He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and
squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled
toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Highway Patrolman
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded
to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,
and yelled, PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back,
"IT'S A SCARF!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the
last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your cat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-------------------------------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using
a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle
with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter
the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at
the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that
it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Whol is Bill Clinton"
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.
We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're
all gonna die."
at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were
flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief
negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,
"This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an
excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could
have had if he hadn't been sick!"
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes
into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible
crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the
politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted
into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a
rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and
fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts
had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He
looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target.
He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and
squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled
toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Highway Patrolman
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded
to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,
and yelled, PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back,
"IT'S A SCARF!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the
last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your cat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-------------------------------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using
a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle
with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter
the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at
the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that
it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Whol is Bill Clinton"
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.
We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're
all gonna die."
(actually just noticed that it was right at the bottom so I pasted it in)
