Jealousy in relationships

[HelpingHand]

My Boyfriend is so jealous.....It's really bad. He hates anyone else to have my attention, and honestly...he putts mt through hell with it sometimes. I can't even talk to other guys, but it's no big deal if he goes out to eat with other girls and talk to them, or hangs out with them...but you see it's really not because I'm not jealous, at all. It's crazy, but he doesn't give me reason to be, but I don't give him reason either... *sigh* Anyone know how I feel.... Where do I draw the line with this, or do I? I just need some advice.... biblical, or not....I really need both. I know it's wrong for him to be so jealous, but he hates it and we are praying together that he can overcome it, but it's something he battles with all the time. He has broken up with me atleast twice over this, because he was tired of hurting me....... *sigh* Woo man we need help!

 

[Saviot'Valuan]

Not knowing him, I can't tell you what to tell him. My girlfriend is sometimes the same way. I take it as a compliment though.

He only desires your attention and worries about losing you. But if he breaks up with you over it, then it is getting out of hand. He needs to learn how to be respectful and have at least show a small amount of maturity over the issue.

 

[HelpingHand]

yea I take it as a compliment too....But only to a certain extent...
I know he respects me, but you are right, he does need to be more respectful.
I honestly think he losses all sense of maturity when it comes to guys flirting with me, or him just bein jealous over literally nothing.....

 

[InTheFlame]

OK, lemme clarify something... when you say he doesn't like you talking to other guys, but it's OK for him to hang out with other girls... do you mean it's OK with you, or that HE regards it as OK? Because the first points to a difference of opinion between you - the second points to a dangerous double standard in his mind, and I'd be wary of getting further into a relationship with someone who has different standards for me and him.

I suspect he'll never get over this jealousy issue until he gets to the bottom of what's causing it. But there's a few different things that could be causing it, and I have no idea which it is. Is he so scared of losing you that he can't bear to see you - or think of you - around other men? Does he worry because he isn't in control in this area of the relationship? Is he petrified of being alone and lonely? Have all the people he's cared deeply for (parents, siblings, friend?) gone away, left him, abandoned him? Is he feeling inferior to other guys, and scared you'll notice that they're so much better than him?

If he gets to the bottom of it, he needs to take whatever it is to God, and ask God for help in healing the problem. He probably needs some other christians in his life, too... other men that he can talk to about this sort of stuff, who'll care and help where they can. This'll help him understand that, a) God will provide all his needs and b) He doesn't need to rely on you for everything. You're supposed to be a bonus, not the pivot of his self-esteem, his ego or whatever.

Hope this helps God bless.

 

[SirKenin]

Let me ask you a question.

Picture a bird. Now, take that bird and hold it in your hand. Squeeze it ever tighter and tighter. What's going to happen?

You are that bird. Your boyfriend, with his jealousy, is the hand. Jealousy is an attempt to hang on to something too tightly. An effort to control. Deep in his mind he is insecure and fears rejection, although he knows that you are doing nothing wrong. When he sees you or perceives you to be in what he sees to be a questionable situation, the jealousy flares out of control. However, I think he feels that he can go ahead and do what he wants because he doesn't respect your feelings. I don't think he cares what you think. After all, you've put up with his garbage and still hung around like a lost puppy dog. He's got this one in the bag.

If he's broken up with you at least twice, I would say that it's time to call it quits. He's had his chances. That's the end of it. He's playing games in an effort to control, and I wouldn't tolerate games if I was you. Even if you have low self esteem or have troubles finding boyfriends I would walk away. Well. Run actually. It won't end. I make it very clear to any partner that I will not tolerate games. No games. No exceptions. I can name you two girls that can stand testimony to this. Ummm.. Make that three.

Play with fire if you want, but if you're going to hang around like that little lost puppy dog, expect to endure a lot of hardship and suffering.

 

[CtYankee]

If he only knew! If he could only experience the joy of trust, what gifts you would give each other. He could feel ten feet tall as he watches you enjoy the company of your friends and his friends. Confidence in love received equates to the sincerity of love given. Rare is a day of freedom for the needy man.

 

[MrDude]

Sounds like he's very insecure.

Or, sounds like he may have come from an authoritarian childhood, and now he is continueing the trend engrained into his subconscious and is already establishing dictative dominance over you.

Either way, I'd find a new guy. You're still young.

 

[Singin4Him]

If you're not flirting with other guys which it doesn't sound like, then IMO this is complete and total disrespect! A guy should never try to control what you do and who you do it with. That is a huge red flag in a relationship, abuse starts with that, please be careful.

Along with that think about this, could you see yourself marrying someone who was so jealous and having to go through this day after day? I can promise you that would not be a biblical marriage and from what I read, he is in no way treating you as Christ would have him treat you.

 

[ardeur]

Wow... I have never had to deal with jealousy before. My boyfriend tells me that he would get jealous if he knew another guy was interested in me, but that's about it. Sometimes he gets jealous over little things, but it's more of a compliment than a hazard. It's kinda cute. Sometimes I will see other girls being really friendly and flirty with my boyfriend, and I feel a little embarrassed for them because I'm not sure if they realize that I'm his girlfriend. We don't exactly walk around declaring it to the whole world. I totally and completely trust him with other girls as long as he's not spending time alone with a girl late into the evening. ;-)

 

[HelpingHand]

Thank ya'll so much for all your comments.
My boyfriend has been hurts a lot, and so I think that is one of the things. He thinks I'm going to hurt him just like everyone else has... Ardeur, that's kinda how it is. He gets really jealous of other guys who are interested in me. I have always had really close guy friends, but when I meet him I knew he was different, but I still go out to eat with my other friends, and talk to them when they need someone to talk to, give them rides, etc... He hates it! He thinks every single one of them likes me! I'll admitt that some of them do flirt, but they flirt with everyone, and those that do are just guys I talk to when they have no one else to talk to, and come to me. I have always been the person to go out with someone just as friends, and made sure that they knew I was only going as a friend, and I still do that. I don't let him control me, but he doesn't like it. Sometimes he lets it show plainly and just rubbs me off, because he thinks I'm trying to hurts him.... He says that if he knew I was jealous of one of his friends then he'd leave them alone. I laid down the rules that he wouldn't control me, but you see what I'm kindda wanting to know is, is there any way to overcome this in a relationship?
I found out just the other day that all of his past girl friends have always given him reason to be jealous, and some of them even cheated on them, but he always refussed to believe it untill something bad happened and he got really hurt. I care about him so much, and I know that I want to stay with him, even though he can be a jerk about this sometimes..... But the good way out does the bad. He is a great strength to me. I just wish there was some way to get him out of this. I mean I know Jesus can.... DO ya'll think I'm crazy for all this? I fi honestly thought I was in danger, then I would be long gone, but I know that he would never hurt me, I absolutely trust him!

Intheflame- He thinks it's ok, but so do I, I use that against him sometimes when he gets upset... Because he does the same thing. I'm not the jealous type, unless a girl is hanging all over him, but I mean who wouldn't be?

 

[SirKenin]

You know something? I am a flirty guy by nature. That is a characteristic that is ingrained in me and is part of my personality. You can ask anyone that knows me, particularly women. I think I would shrivel up and die if some partner of mine came along and got all jealous every time I addressed a woman in such a manner. It's not that I don't love my partner and that I want to jump into bed with the other woman. Certainly not. I simply can't change it. It may not come across this way in the forums, but I'm a very friendly person, I have all kinds of female friends and I "flirt" with all of them. Evidently that's one thing they really like about me (apart from the fact that I'm eccentric and "abnormal" so to speak. This is what attracted my current interest to me). Therefore it stands to reason that the jealous type of woman is not for me. I can't handle having the life choked out of me. If you're that jealous and insecure, I'm not your man. Time for you to move along

The way I look at it, there are plenty of women out there, just like there are plenty of men. Each of us can find a new partner that more closely suits our needs.

 

[MrDude]

Find a new guy, you're too young to have to deal with that kind of emotional baggage.

 

[jenptcfan]

excessive jealousy can be a sign of someone who has control issues---that's not something you want to deal with. It sounds like he needs some time alone to deal with his issues.

 

[HelpingHand]

Please pray for me, I want to do this right. Thanks for all the advice though

 

[SirKenin]

Please pray for me, I want to do this right. Thanks for all the advice though

Remember one thing a peer told me not long ago. No matter how much love you throw at him you're not going to change him overnight, if at all. Hanging around like that little lost puppy dog is not going to solve anything but ensure that he's going to have something to fill that collar on the end of his leash.

To me it sounds like you have personal issues to deal with. I look at the speck in your eye because I consider the log in my own on a daily basis. What is wrong with you if you feel the need to hang off someone like this? What personal psychological or emotional issues have you failed to deal with if you're depending on a miracle (you do seek out prayer after all) to heal all this guys woes? Give yourself a shake girl. . To me it sounds like you are dragging around baggage just as much as your boyfriend is. The relationship, short of this miracle you ask for, is guaranteed to self-destruct. I'm not saying not to pray, quite the opposite. But geez. You're so young. Make something out of your life.

Lose this codependency kick you're on. Shed the shackles that bind you. Find within you that which makes you a worthy person. Gain some self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence which you appear to lack. Go shopping and buy yourself some nice trendy clothes. Get a manicure. Go treat yourself to a spa. They do say love is blind. Open your eyes girl. Look at what you're doing. Realize that there IS in fact grass on the other side of the fence and it is looking pretty green.

At 16 years old if you don't have a bright future ahead of you with plenty of exciting (male) prospects, then there is something wrong with you. I implore you. Actively seek out these prospects. I remember being your age and falling for a girl. It was a bad relationship, yet I was so love struck at the time I thought it was the be all end all. How wrong I was and how much I had to learn about myself. After I don't know how many relationships I've had since I realize that the best thing I ever did was allow my parents to talk me into kicking her to the curb, no matter how badly it devestated me at the time (that's a whole other story).

So get with the program, let the punches fall where they may, let God sort this guy out and you go find yourself the man you deserve darn it. Now go.

 

[ethereal_]

Get a manicure. Go treat yourself to a spa. They do say love is blind. Open your eyes girl. Look at what you're doing. Realize that there IS in fact grass on the other side of the fence and it is looking pretty green.

At 16 years old if you don't have a bright future ahead of you with plenty of exciting (male) prospects, then there is something wrong with you. I implore you. Actively seek out these prospects. I remember being your age and falling for a girl. It was a bad relationship, yet I was so love struck at the time I thought it was the be all end all. How wrong I was and how much I had to learn about myself.

I couldn't agree more.

He just told you the truth.

 

[lingjanet]

My Boyfriend is so jealous.....It's really bad. He hates anyone else to have my attention, and honestly...he putts mt through hell with it sometimes. I can't even talk to other guys, but it's no big deal if he goes out to eat with other girls and talk to them, or hangs out with them...but you see it's really not because I'm not jealous, at all. It's crazy, but he doesn't give me reason to be, but I don't give him reason either... *sigh* Anyone know how I feel.... Where do I draw the line with this, or do I? I just need some advice.... biblical, or not....I really need both. I know it's wrong for him to be so jealous, but he hates it and we are praying together that he can overcome it, but it's something he battles with all the time. He has broken up with me atleast twice over this, because he was tired of hurting me....... *sigh* Woo man we need help!

all because he love you so much. he scare to loss you. only just he can't control his jelousy..every wan will jeolous also..is all depends on how you control yourself...
keep praying for him.

 

[bliz]

Sir Kenin has given you some great advice and insight. Reread his posts! Think about what he has to say very carefully.

Your boyfriend is not jealous - he is afraid of losing control. You should not be flattered or see his concern as an expression of his love, becasue it has nothing to do with love.

The things you describe are part of a well established and well known pattern and unless something major happens in his life - like counseling, years of counseling - he is going to progress from making rules for you (like, you can't speak to other males but he can speak to anyone he wants) to rules about what you wear, where you can go and who you can have a phone call with to enforcing those rules with shouting and threats to physically grabbing, shoving and then hitting and hurting you. If he does not get help, and even if he does it is very likely, that this is how your relationship will proceed.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Walk away now. PLEASE! I have helped pick up the p[ieces of way too many women who thought these relationships were loving, who thought they did not deserve better, who thought this was what all relationships were like, who thought that having any many was better than no man. No! No! No!

Please! End this relationship now.

 

[LadyBird]

Wow, you're only 16 and dealing with this? You totally don't need to put up with this sort of behaviour. I used to be a jealous person but have learned over the years that there is a little thing call trust. When you trust someone, that jealousy will go away. And it's clear that he doesn't trust you...otherwise, why would he make such a fuss about you hanging out with your friends?

How would you feel if your best girl friend got really jealous and angry with you if you spent time with your other friends (guy and girl)? How would you feel if your best girl friend dumped you as her friend twice because she was tired of hurting you. You may not think it's the same situation but it is!

Just because he is your boyfriend, you shouldn't make exceptions for bad behaviour like that. Anything I wouldn't tolerate with my friends, I wouldn't tolerate with my boyfriend either. Your boyfriend should be your best friend, the person you trust, the person you love. Do best friends, people who love each other, honestly treat each other like that? Didn't think so...

Jealousy is a preview of other possible unacceptable behaviour.

 

[MrDude]

Sir Kenin has given you some great advice and insight. Reread his posts! Think about what he has to say very carefully.

Your boyfriend is not jealous - he is afraid of losing control. You should not be flattered or see his concern as an expression of his love, becasue it has nothing to do with love.

The things you describe are part of a well established and well known pattern and unless something major happens in his life - like counseling, years of counseling - he is going to progress from making rules for you (like, you can't speak to other males but he can speak to anyone he wants) to rules about what you wear, where you can go and who you can have a phone call with to enforcing those rules with shouting and threats to physically grabbing, shoving and then hitting and hurting you. If he does not get help, and even if he does it is very likely, that this is how your relationship will proceed.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Walk away now. PLEASE! I have helped pick up the p[ieces of way too many women who thought these relationships were loving, who thought they did not deserve better, who thought this was what all relationships were like, who thought that having any many was better than no man. No! No! No!

Please! End this relationship now.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to Bliz, you have no idea how right she is.