Jealousy And Trust

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Hi. I'm new to this site, and although this will probably be long, please bear with me. I'm having a hard time finding places to get Christian advice regarding the issues that I am facing.

I and my boyfriend have been going out for some time now. When we first started going out, I was not jealous at all, but as time went by, I got jealous. Now I get jealous when I see him glancing at other women, talk to other women who are attractive, and etc. I have recently learned that his looking is not because I am not attractive, but because that is just man's nature. This has helped me some.



Trust is very hard for me. I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend, though he says that he will never cheat on me. He also says that he is starting to avoid looking at other women, as we have both read Every Man's Battle, which talks about how men can look at women and not lust after them.

Yet, how do I trust when I don't know if he is being honest with me or not? i think that he is...but I can only take his word for it because I can't read his mind. How do I control these thoughts? What is normal and un-normal? Should I be worried about him when he works with women training them? What is normal when it comes to jealousy? I can't trust even when I see that he is trustworthy...so how can I learn to trust?

I hope someone can give me some advice.

 

[bliz]

This is your problem, not his. You need to work on this. I can fully understand all the reasons why you are responding this way, but if your do not find a way to cope with there being other women in the world and the fact that he will interact with them, you will make yourself very unhappy and ruin your relationship.

I strongly suggest some counseling to help you sort out the past and comes to terms with how it has effected you, and make choices in how you want it to impact your life from now on.

 

[koban4max]

When you are in relationship, you got to know the peron (your bf). You got to learn to trust not matter how bad your father was or is. You can't let your past affect the relationship. I know how you feel, my ex-girlfriend was something like that. She compared me with other bf she's been through and that's not good. You got to learn to let go of this "fear" to trust...and just trust. Also, pray to God. You can't stop him from doing what he likes to do..becoming a trainer. That's his dream...and you shouldn't get in his way or the relationship will fall. Believe me, you don't want that.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Awww girl... I can totally understand where you are coming from. I too have been abused, not by family, but by an ex fiance, fellowship leaders, and classmates...all on different occasions. After being abused like this, it is extremely difficult if not impossible to find some healthy sense of self-esteem. I am still working on it myself, but I do think progress can be made.

I have also thought about how I wish I could read others' minds, how I have no real true way to find out if someone is honest, and so on. It is so hard to trust again after being hurt deeply. I wish there were an easier way, but alas, I do not see one.

I am a prospective PhD student in clinical psychology. I hope to work with others like you and be able to help them. That said, you asked what is normal when it comes to jealousy. From what I know, I would say that given you have been abused, your issues are normal. I would not say you are at a healthy place right now, but it is definitely understandable that you are dealing with this.

As far as other girls and them potentially looking better than you... I deal with this too. I have acne scars, and that has caused me a ton of psychological damage and insecurity over the years (I have had acne itself since I was 11). I sometimes think that my scars automatically make me uglier than girls who have clear skin. However...this is not entirely true, because I do have physical assets too. I am 5'7" and a size one, so my figure is one of my best qualities. (not saying this to brag or sound conceited, just giving you an example of how someone who does not feel confident about her appearance can still notice good things about her looks) I would suggest that you take some time to notice your physical assets, and accentuate them! (I don't mean in an immodest way either. What I do is wear platform shoes and dressy-type clothes like skirts in order to make my lines appear even longer and slimmer.)

Also, your boyfriend has been with you for 1.5 years. To me, that is a long time. I'm getting married on the 10th (as you can see in my user title ) and we have only been together 8 months. I would say that if your boyfriend has been with you as long as he has, he must really want you over any other girl. I would also suggest that you tell your boyfriend you need more reassurance/affirmation (ie, you need him to tell you you are beautiful, and you are the most beautiful girl to him). My fiance knows about my needs for such things, and he provides well

Oh and a bit about the fitness trainer thing: I used to be both a gymnast and a gymnastics coach, so I was around a lot of very fit guys and girls. I was always so focused on doing my job and/or working on whatever flips or skills I was trying to master. I didn't really notice the guys other than a passing, "Oh, he has nice muscles," before getting back to what I was doing. I definitely never paid enough attention to any of the guys I trained or coached with, to develop a liking toward them.

PM me if you want someone to talk or pray with.

God bless you
Kayli

 

[nucre8tion]

I agree with the above posts, and would like to add a few thoughts. You can't control whether he thinks lustful thoughts about those girls, or if he cheats on you or not. Those things are out of your control, so trying to control them, or worry about them is going to be very frustrating. I hope this doesn't sound trite, but if he decides to cheat on you, then that is HIS choice and you know what kind of man he is. It doesn't reflect on you. Don't get in the habit of thinking his choices are up to you.

Even when you get married, you cannot control what the other person does, you are only responsible for being the best mate you can be, and leaning on God. Trust is knowing that God has your back no matter what may come.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Trust him, it isn't always easy. I know. My bf works at a health club and there are pleanty of "hot" women who go through, and not really always appropriate clothing.I've watched his reaction when he is in these situations and he generally looks away. I've never had to bring it to his attention. If you've mentioned it to him, then do the work on your end, and trust him. Has he done anything to break your trust? If not, trust him. If he has then still do your best to trust him.

 

[Carri20]

Your boyfriend is not your father. He has to be innocent until proven guilty. If he cheats on you, you WILL find out about it, and then you can deal with it. But until then there's no reason to believe he's not faithful to you...at least, not that I can see. If you still find yourself feeling uneasy, take the situation before God and ask Him to keep an eye out for you. Remember, God sees all things anyway. He can strengthen your boyfriend against any temptation that might creep up, and if something does happen He can see to it you find out in good time. Either way if you put your trust in God--who is, by the way, the ONLY one who will never hurt you--then you can have peace in the knowledge that you are well cared for no matter what happens.

 

[koban4max]

Just don't worry, girl!