I've gone too far this time...

Nessie · Sep 1, 2004

My mother and I got into another fight and I said something I never should have said... and even though I later told her I didn't mean it (even though I partially did)... I still said it and it can never be taken back. And I think that's it... it wa soo bad I'm sure even God hates me now... I'm so confused... I don't want to kill myself but I have no right to even live anymore and if anyone in my family ever finds out what I said to her I will be disowned by the entire family... I'm so confused and scared I don't know what to do.

dasielady · Sep 1, 2004

Can you tell us what you said, or what the context was?

I know that words hurt sometimes, even the worst and most hate-filled ones. But Think of it this way: Saying the words was like shooting her with a staple gun. She went "OUCH"!!!! But do you want to leave the stapels in there so she can be stuck on it and get frusterated and dwell......or do you want to apologise (to verbally remove those nasty staples) and know that although the air flushing the wound will hurt and it may leave a scar.... at least you took back what you could?

Think about it.

Nessie · Sep 1, 2004

I told her I didn't mean it... but it's not good enough. She's walking around horribly depressed now, and I feel ten billion times worse...

I told her it was her fault my brother committed suicide and that everyone knows he hated her before he did it... she asked who said that, and I said everyone in the family knows he hated you!!! (They did say my brother was mad at her for everything she did... but they didn't say it was her fault... and I told her that)... but still, if they all find out I told her that, they will hate me like you wouldn't believe!! But the thing is... my parents treated all of us kids like **** and I've always pretended it never hurt me but now it's all built up and I can't hold it back anymore!! There's so much more I want to say but can't, because it would hurt too many people....

JohnnyV · Sep 1, 2004

If you apologized then its up to her to forgive you & That may take some time depending on this person's personality, etc.
God isnt mad at you, he may not think it was the best thing to say, but he is not mad at you. Just ask God to forgive you like you asked her to do.
Then I would try to talk to her and tell her that you were angry and spoke in the 'heat of the moment' and tell her how bad you feel now.
Pray for God to work things out and restore your relationship. Then put it in God's hands and trust that he will work it all out for his good.
I will remember you in my prayers as Im sure others who read your post will.

brinley45cal · Sep 1, 2004

Well we have all said and done things we regret and wish we could go back and change.I know i wish i could,but the thing is we cant.All you can do is apologize,in the heat of the moment we sometimes say things we dont mean,or we dont mean to be hurtful.It sounds like you and your mother have some issues that need to be talked about.Have you two ever sat down and actually talked about it?I think the both of you could probably use some christian counseling.I grew up in an abusive home,im 30 years old now and it wasnt untill early this year did my parents come to me and say they were sorry for what they did.
You cant change the past but you can do something about your future,if you love her ,tell her and apologize to her.Dont wait until years from now or wait until its to late to try to make things right.If she forgives you,praise god for that,if not then at least you know you have done everything you could to make things right and from then on out thats an issue her and the lord will have to work through.But you cant sit around and beat yourself up,gods not mad at you.Ask the lord for guidence and ask him to give you the words to say to your mother,and pray for them thats very,very important.I pray that the lord restores your family,and gives you strength and peace.

forgivenmuch · Sep 2, 2004

you are dealing with alot yourself... i see you have anger.. and you said somethings you regret...but maybe you need to get these feelings off your chest..you have held in your feelings for so long.. you have ask your mom to forgive you.. and thats good.. but if they cant understand how your borthers death effected you also..then somethings wrong with them .. i will keep you in my prayers..God bless

Radagast · Sep 2, 2004

It is a pity you said that. You may have to do some work now to restore the relationship with your family. I personally think you should back up the "I didn't mean it" you said to your mother by doing something nice for her.

But you must never, never, never think that God hates you or that you "have no right to live anymore." God understands the very difficult situation you're in, as do your brothers and sisters in Christ (as evidenced by the last few posts). And remember, your sins are forgiven. Even the sin of anger!

God bless,

-- Radagast

SonOfThunder · Sep 2, 2004

suicide has a habit of leaving familes ripped apart, everyone on tender hooks, unspoken words of wonder... its no wonder someone cracked. You as well as mum will be going through your own nightmare of wondering.

All you can do is show mum love, speak about your brother openly and apologise. Try sharing and talking about feelings, warn each other they are just 'thoughts' and there are no cut and dried answers. It helps to share and pull together rather than apart.

Pray, speak to God, baby steps at a time, dont beat yourself up over yesterday, all you can do is work on today.

James

Nessie · Sep 2, 2004

I wish it were that easy... my mother and I haven't gotten along since I was 4 years old. I seriously cannot remember the last time we had a conversation that was beyond "where's the cat?" or "did anyone call while I was gone?" I've resented her ever since the first time I saw my father hit her and she didn't do anything about it. And I resented her worse when she walked out on us and left us kids with my father. She can't stand me, and I can't stand her. And I know that's wrong, but how can I feel any different when she says she's sick of being a parent, and that she's not going to put a hold on her life for me, and that I'm getting in the way of her life? I mean, I can't help but tell her she's a bad parent. People don't say anything... and I never did. But I finally lost it. I can't hold it in anymore. It's seriously to the point where the day I leave for college I will never look back again. Sad thing is, that's what my brother did too. And to be honest, I don't know if I can wait two more years.

Radagast · Sep 2, 2004

You've been through things that nobody should have to go through... and having your mother live there seems to be making a difficult situation even worse...

Just hang in there, and do your best to do the right thing, even if she doesn't. And if you really need to let it all out, try to do it here on CF, and not at home.

God bless you,

-- Radagast

Lyle · Sep 2, 2004

Nessie said:
My mother and I got into another fight and I said something I never should have said... and even though I later told her I didn't mean it (even though I partially did)... I still said it and it can never be taken back. And I think that's it... it wa soo bad I'm sure even God hates me now... I'm so confused... I don't want to kill myself but I have no right to even live anymore and if anyone in my family ever finds out what I said to her I will be disowned by the entire family... I'm so confused and scared I don't know what to do.

Of course you have no right to live.. In fact, you had no right to salvation in the first place, except this simple fact. The Son of Man came to seek and save that which is lost. It's not by the works or law, or things that you can do that you will be justified before God. But rather it's only by the cleansing blood of His Son and the price that He paid for us. He took our sins for us, that we wouldn't have to taste death.
Even now you have no right to live except that there is a God in heaven that still loves and forgives, who stands at the door and knocks to any that will here His voice and open the door. For those that sin the Bible makes clear there IS forgiveness...
You need not believe the lie that Satan is trying to force on you, that there is no hope and you are unworthy of God's love. God has accepted you, and will accept you once more if you reach out to Him. He's always there, always ready to love, because His blood covers the sin and He paid for it.. It's done, finished, end of story... Come back and live in the victory of Christ. Rise a second time and face the world with renewed strength in mind, body, and spirit.. There is forgiveness, there is a cross, there is a Savior.

And that's the way it is......

forgivenmuch · Sep 2, 2004

i would suggest serious counsling.. i would also suggest.. you to get out of that home. but if you cant right now.. just pray. dont let no one treat you bad.. you have been thru enough. if there is someone you can stay with to get away from more abuse.. i would hope you would. you need to lean onto God right now.. im so glad that you are dealing with all this. it needs to be dealt with so you can live a happier and peacful life. and that it wont affect the way you treat your children. if you need someone to talk to i am always here ..leave me a private message.

Anna N. Amos · Sep 2, 2004

Nessie

I am sorry your home life is not very healthy. You have a right to be angry - and sin not. If you feel like your mother doesn't love you and makes you feel like an inconvenience that is an awful way to live.

My cousins mother was an alcoholic. One day while on a drunk, she said come here Katie I want to read something to you. Katie was nine years old as she sat in a chair and her mother began to read a suicide letter. Her mother wrote/read that she was unhappy since she had a daughter and she wish she never had her. She read how Katie had ruined her lifestyle and how she really could not be a mom as she felt nothing but resentment towards Katie.

How would you like to have your mom read her suicide letter that blames you? It really messed Katie up. Katie's mother did not go through with it, as Katie told her Dad. But then the next day when her Dad went to work Katie's mother beat her to a pulp for squealing on her. Nice home life, huh?

Fortunately, Katie turned to God and is now earning her PHD in psychology.

I bring it up because of the PAIN we cause each other. I am very sorry she caused you such pain. But what you said was truly awful. It seems like you fear what your family will think of you MORE than how you may have killed your mother's heart.

I do not know your circumstances. But if your mother's broken heart is of any concern you may want to tell her you spoke out of vengeance and not out of love. How you do not want her heart to break, but you need to feel that she actually cares about you and that you are not viewed as a burden.

The next thing that concerns me is your Dad hit your mother and you are MAD because she did nothing about it. You do not FEEL for your mother as a beaten/struck woman? This to me is a little shocking and makes me think that you need to leave the house as your perspective is a little warped.

If your mom is an abused woman then each day she lives in fear. Perhaps the only reason she came back to the house was FOR you kids or out of fear if she was threatened or slaked. That happens.

She may have left, hoping to defuse the combustion in the house to help you kids. Perhaps, in a perfect world she should have taken you kids with her, but thinking through fear and panic she may have made some weak choices.

Do you think you can love her? Stop looking at her as your mother. If you knew of a neighbor or church member who was struck by her husband and had her child kill themselves, what would you do? Would you offer love and a safe hug for her to wrap up in? What would Jesus do?

She may need to make better choices. But perhpas you do as well. Ask God to help you with your rage and to give you a deep heart -- and to help your mother heal.

Praying for someone is a huge step to fixing a relationship.

GOD LOVES YOU!!!! And he loves your mother.

I pray for understanding for both of you. For forgiveness to find its way into your heart and for your mother to find freedom from fear, guilt and shame.

WORDS are very powerful. Jesus spoke WORDS and Lazuras got up from the grave!!! Yet, Karl Marx siad with 26 lead soldiers (the letters of the alphabet -- words) he could rule the world. May God give you the words of great wisdom which reach beyond anger. May God put you in a healthy environment and may you grow in a safe place.

As a prayer warrior you can pray and cause CHANGE in the fourth dimension. I pray for you abd your mother to find each other with love -- even if you have to leave the house to better the relationship.

You deserve to live and to grow and to see why God made you. To see the gifts God gave you and that only you can bring to this crazy world. The angels stood and applauded the day you were born as they knew you would be a child of God.

forgivenmuch · Sep 2, 2004

i need to add a word here... in reponse to what nessie wrote.. nessie have you ever been abused? have you ever been in a family of abuse? you have no idea what it is like if you never lived it.. please dont make excuses for her mom.. her mom is more to blame than anyone. being a mother myself..and being in a very serious abused home as a child .. i would NEVER let anyone abuse my child.. i do not care who it was..i would fight till my death. .. i know for my own self what i lived.. and how many times the mother can play a victim as of what abuse goes on in a home. if mothers do stand by and let the abuse continue on day after day.. that tells me something about that person..yes they need God. but how can one allow a child to stay in such tormiol? while they run off doing God knows what..while thier children are being beat half to death.. if a mother dont stand up for you.. i feel no one will... there is no greater love.. than the love of a mother has for her child.. but as we see in many cases.. people just dont care..they give up.. they are selfish. God does not like sin.. he Does not agree with what goes on with situations like this.. he Hates it.. when he sees a child being hurt.. he hates it.. just like we should. can they be forgiven? yes they can . if they are willing to ask for forgiveness of what they done.

TheMainException · Sep 16, 2004

God does NOT hate you. He can't hate PEOPLE. He will love you forever. He can be upset with you, but he loves you...he knows that people make mistakes...no one really has a right to live...everyone knows you shouldn't have said it...but now what? You can't go back, but learn from those mistakes...and don't make them again. "Go and sin no more!"

Nessie · Sep 16, 2004

I have lived a life of abuse. My father hurt his family very much. I still have nightmares and it's been more than 6 years since I've left his house. It's so bad whenever I hear someone yell I automatically flinch and expect to be hit or for someone to get hit. Last year in school the teacher started yelling at me and another student for not working on our homework in class (we were already finished), and it got to me so bad I expected to get hit and I freaked out and had a panic attack in class and it was just horrible. A nightmare.

It eats at me everyday. But I couldn't leave. And neither could my siblings. But you know, my mother let it happen. She left us for two years, and knew how bad it was. My sister would sneak a phonecall to her everyone time she could, to let her know how bad it was and plead with her to come get us. How can I not be mad at her? It took her nine years to finally leave the man who beat her--AND her children. Then it took another two for her to finally decide to get custody and charge him? My sister was molested by that monster for FIVE years! But my mother never knew... or maybe she didn't want to know. I'm sorry, maybe it's wrong to feel this way, but if you let that happen to your child, you have no right to call yourself a parent.

I know I am supposed to love her no matter what, but, if you can't count on your own mother to save you from a living nightmare, who can you count on?

When she moved us out of state she wouldn't even stop to let us say goodbye to my brother. And, when we came back, five years later, we were supposed to go see my brother for Thanksgiving. He killed himself 6 days before that. How can I not believe that we were the reason he killed himself? And when we left Houston to come back here, my mother wouldn't let me say goodbye to my best friend. She said it wasn't necessary. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? I, seriously, would DIE for my best friend... it's been two years and I still wake up crying from missing her so much. And whenever I have to stay after school to get help, I wonder how long it is before my mother accuses me of sleeping with my teacher... she's done it before. To the one teacher who made me realize my potential... to the one person who ever cared. And I still talk to that teacher to this day... but I have to hide it. What kind of mother accuses her child of sleeping with their teachers?

I know it's so easy to say, "just forgive and forget". But you know, it's hard. And sometimes it feels like God has left me too.

I try to be like Job, you know, and praise God for the bad things in my life. But it's EVERY SINGLE DAY. It never goes away. There are days when I want to die because I just don't see a future.

Radagast · Sep 16, 2004

Nessie said:
...A nightmare... It eats at me everyday...

I really can't imagine how bad it must have been, and I really can't find the words to express how sorry I am that it still eats at you like that.

Dealing with the experience is obviously going to be one of the most important and most difficult things in your life, and perhaps one day you will look back and find that the experience has strengthened you for some important task that is now still in your future.

Nessie said:
How can I not be mad at her?

In your shoes I'd be angry too. Certainly she betrayed you and your sister. And she will have to answer to God for that.

But although it's easy to say and hard to do, you can't let anger eat away at you (I've experienced myself how anger does that). You have to (somehow) learn to focus on what God wants you to do in the future, and not focus on the past. And that process will need to (one day) involve forgiveness.

Nessie said:
And sometimes it feels like God has left me too.

We all feel like that sometimes (think of David in the Psalms), but He hasn't. And He has given you people that care about you, like your sister and your teacher and your brothers and sisters here on CF.

Nessie said:
There are days when I want to die because I just don't see a future.

But you do have a future as a special daughter of God. And I hope you are reading the Bible and reminding yourself of that fact. If you think about what it might have been like to be (for example) a young female slave in a Roman house in the first century, you will see that the words of hope in the New Testament are addressed to people whose experiences are very similar to your own. But their future, like yours, involved working for God's Kingdom, until at last they entered heaven as children and heirs of God.

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:16-18)

God bless,

-- Radagast

LegomasterJC · Sep 16, 2004

I suggest you first pray and ask God to free you from your resentment and anger. Also ask him to reveal other things that you need to be free of. When you are able to understand that God forgives you, be able to forgive yourself and your mother and family, your relationship with your family will also become better.

somethinfishy · Sep 18, 2004

Please talk to a counsellor or someone "professional" about this...not that we all here can't support you, but there are some deep things going on with your life, and your past that , imho, need more than we can probably offer, in terms of being face to face, asking the "right" questions, etc. My husband and I were in counselling a year ago, for things not nearly as serious as you are facing, and it helped us SO much. There must be a counsellor at your school, or a pastor at church, something. It also sounds like you are dealing with some verbal and emotional abuse that needs to be taken care of.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You are only responsible for decisions you make, as in your words and actions. I know you feel like you have said the unforgiveable, but the key is that you KNOW it was wrong. You 1)acknowledge your sin, and 2)confess it to God, and 3)to the person you wronged, asking for forgiveness. God will ALWAYS forgive you, 1 John 1:9, If we confess our sins, He is FAITHFUL (he always does it) and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness...As for your mom, it would be up to her at this point. You have said your piece, and she can decide to accept your appology and repentance for what you said, or she can choose to continue to hold onto the grudge, but you are free from that guilt, even though she may try to tell you otherwise. I know this is hard, pray for God's help to accept this.

PLEASE see someone about this. It is important that you deal with this stuff as soon as possible, because as you grow older, the effects of the abuse and neglect on your life and your health can grow exponentially. Trust me, I know a little from experience. It's important to deal with stuff as soon as you can. It keeps it from growing and festering more than it already has...I'll be praying for you. Keep writing here...I'll look for you.

Melody42 · Sep 19, 2004

I've gone too far this time...

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