I've been cutting again... *Trigger*

[NoddaProbBob]

Hi all.
It's been awhile since I've been on, but I've been struggling again with cutting.
I'm still living at home, but have recently transitioned into my college life here in town.
We live close to my college, but I've just been stressed out lately and I've been falling back on cutting to see me through.
I don't fight rarely with my mom, but it seems as if I've been having a tough time with my dad. Him and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things and he tends to belittle me and rule over me, instead of accepting that I'm growing up and beginning to co-exist with me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that him and I are equals. I live in my parents house and am under their rules which I respect. But he always uses this line against me. He always says 'You and I aren't equals' or 'Im the dad, you're the kid'. And even though I've had a lot of freedom to do the things that I want, I still feel like he's just trying to control me, and I'm not ok with this. I've tried to talk to him about it, and he just uses the same phrases 'you and I aren't equals' or 'I'm the dad'. and I'm not sure that I can take it much longer.
He called me a pig last night because I had flatulence (embarassing) and I gave him a dirty look and said excuse me? and he said you heard me. and I go, no I'm not. and he got mad at me because I objected to this.
Then later on tonight he comes up to me and says "you want me to forgive you?" and I'm like "what?" and then he just went back to his old age phrase "Im not your equal"
There is no reasoning with this man. My mom keeps nonchalantly implying that she wants me to take the opportunities at hand and that if I can get out of this house, that I should. And I keep telling her that I want to stick around and help and take care of them when I'm older, but my dad is so controlling of me, and I've realized that I want out now. If I ever get the opportunity to get out and go, I'm going. Everytime I fight with my dad, I cut, and it's because he makes me feel like total garbage. He has no regard for anyone's feelings but his own. and i'm sick of it.
I can't take it. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want them to know that I'm still cutting. But I hide it as best as possible.
And I want to so bad.

 

[Everlasting33]

It is hard to feel loved, accepted, understood and validated when you feel your dad is trying to control you, calling you names (pig), and being disrespectful. No wonder why this creates so many negative thoughts/emotions. Your "inner child" does not feel emotionally safe and cared for. And you take this out on yourself by cutting and so the disapproval you may feel from your dad ultimately falls on your body.

Tell me, what thoughts are you thinking that lead to cutting yourself? In order to curb the desire and the action of cutting, you and I must find the thoughts that prompt such pain.

Please PM me if you ever need to!! I really mean it! Take care

 

[NoddaProbBob]

hi steeler.
first, your question is quite complex.
But if I had to narrow it down, I think the thoughts are really motivated by anger. I always feel like im getting walked over or not being heard, or misunderstood rather. And it certainly is frustration. About not being able to control any of what happens.
as for thoughts. It's always one main idea. "I'll cut, and I'll feel better". It's simple. And it works. Because I feel better after I do. Things float away or I fall asleep. (I normally cut at night before bed).

My emotions are all tangled up. And it ultimately turns into one big ball of numbness. I guess I've never really been allowed to feel certain things, or I've hid them. For instance, if I get into it with my dad, or if I get angry about something, I'm not allowed to be mad. Normally when I fight with my dad it's because him and I don't agree on something. And when that happens, we both get mad and then he'll come up to me sometime later (an hour or few) and then try to get me to be happy and not upset. But sometimes I just want to be mad. I feel like I don't have the right to be mad, or to be any emotion for that matter. Nothing but happy and content, which in opposition to my facade, I am never. But that's what my parents wanna see, so that's what they get. If I'm not automatically happy or forgiving when my dad wants me to be, he gets even more mad, and the fight escalates.
I just don't feel like there's any consideration for how I really feel. And if I tried to communicate that to my parents then they wouldn't be understanding anyhow.