B
BrokenSilence
Guest
I've been following this forum for a while, but I've been shy to post here. I'm not sure I belong.
All my life I've had "symptoms" (if that's what you'd call it) of being abused. Certain fears, low self worth, unexplained depression, self-injury (including certain areas...), even a couple suicide attempts. I've done TONS of research on depression and SI, trying to figure myself out I guess- only knowing that I have this pain inside and not knowing what it's from. In my research, over and over again, history of abuse was mentioned, but I always denied it.
I started talking with a counselor online (which I know is frowned upon, but I didn't know that at the time). She asked if I had been abused, and I said no. She didn't mention it again and we didn't talk often, but I continued my research.
Then one night we had a huge thunderstorm, and I started feeling very afraid, which is odd for me because I usually love thunderstorms. Then I saw this image, or flashback, of a girl being molested during a thunderstorm. After that I started having many more flashbacks, in very vivid detail. They always shake me up when I have them.
I did tell the counselor I was talking to about the flashbacks, and she said that they were probably repressed memories coming up, but she never "guided" me into recovering any memories or made any suggestions as to what happened to me, though she said that she had a feeling I had been abused since when she started talking to me. She did ask me questions about my childhood, but mostly unrelated to the flashbacks- kind of examining the surrounding time to see if other events supported these new "memories".
I'm so confused...with all the evidence it's pretty clear that these things did happen to me, but before now, I wasn't even sure if I believed in "repressed memories". I know there's always tons of controversy around it. I've always kind of had a feeling that something must have happened, because of things I've done to myself since I was about 2. It's not normal behavior, but then, for me it's always been there so I didn't question it too much. With these memories, it explains everything, but it's still hard to accept. I've always had this idea that I've had this perfect life, and that it's my fault for how I feel, that I'm not being grateful enough, and that I'm bad. In talking with my fiance though, he's told me that my life hasn't been perfect, and has actually been rather shocked about some things that I always just accepted.
Anyway, that's where I am right now...the memories are very vivid...always of sexual abuse- very bad things that I don't know if I should mention because it would bother people.
I'm sorry this is so long...I don't even know if I should be here. Thank you to whoever reads all this. With God's help, I'm getting through.
In Christ,
Broken
All my life I've had "symptoms" (if that's what you'd call it) of being abused. Certain fears, low self worth, unexplained depression, self-injury (including certain areas...), even a couple suicide attempts. I've done TONS of research on depression and SI, trying to figure myself out I guess- only knowing that I have this pain inside and not knowing what it's from. In my research, over and over again, history of abuse was mentioned, but I always denied it.
I started talking with a counselor online (which I know is frowned upon, but I didn't know that at the time). She asked if I had been abused, and I said no. She didn't mention it again and we didn't talk often, but I continued my research.
Then one night we had a huge thunderstorm, and I started feeling very afraid, which is odd for me because I usually love thunderstorms. Then I saw this image, or flashback, of a girl being molested during a thunderstorm. After that I started having many more flashbacks, in very vivid detail. They always shake me up when I have them.
I did tell the counselor I was talking to about the flashbacks, and she said that they were probably repressed memories coming up, but she never "guided" me into recovering any memories or made any suggestions as to what happened to me, though she said that she had a feeling I had been abused since when she started talking to me. She did ask me questions about my childhood, but mostly unrelated to the flashbacks- kind of examining the surrounding time to see if other events supported these new "memories".
I'm so confused...with all the evidence it's pretty clear that these things did happen to me, but before now, I wasn't even sure if I believed in "repressed memories". I know there's always tons of controversy around it. I've always kind of had a feeling that something must have happened, because of things I've done to myself since I was about 2. It's not normal behavior, but then, for me it's always been there so I didn't question it too much. With these memories, it explains everything, but it's still hard to accept. I've always had this idea that I've had this perfect life, and that it's my fault for how I feel, that I'm not being grateful enough, and that I'm bad. In talking with my fiance though, he's told me that my life hasn't been perfect, and has actually been rather shocked about some things that I always just accepted.
Anyway, that's where I am right now...the memories are very vivid...always of sexual abuse- very bad things that I don't know if I should mention because it would bother people.
I'm sorry this is so long...I don't even know if I should be here. Thank you to whoever reads all this. With God's help, I'm getting through.
In Christ,
Broken