Lucybee, first of all I want to give you a huugggggeeee hug! (((((((LUCYBEE)))))))
Next. I want you to understand that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! And you did absolutely nothing wrong. I would like to share the short version of my story, and perhaps you will understand why it is you are not at fault.
Shortly after I turned 18, my friends and I started to hang out at a local restaurant where there was an extremely good looking young server who always samed to be working when we came in to eat. We will call him Eric.
On slow nights, Eric would stop by the table for a few extra minutes, sometimes sliding into the booth with us. One night in particular, he was in the restaurant with some of his friends eating as well, and he came over and sat beside me, and took a photo of my friend with his new camera phone, and leaned in really close to show me. He was just an absolute dream. He was gorgeous, he was nice, and we had a million things in common it seemed. But I was the outcast, I wasnt as pretty as the girls I hung out with, and I knew I didnt stand a chance.
Over time, he started doing little extras for me, convincing me that I 'knew' this guy, and that he was really nice. Once I finally got to that point where I practically trusted him with my life, he asked me on a date one night when I was in the restuarant with my Daddy. Of course I said yes, and was gushing. It was fantastic, I never imagined that Eric would have ever liked me.
We wont bother going into the details of that night, but afterward, Eric told me how I had wanted this all along, that he knew I was a virgin, and he thought I was waiting, but I kept insisting. He told everyone we both knew how I was just an absolute 'sexual tiger.' My memory of that night is quite different (ie: pinned down to the bed, crying, in pain, asking him to stop, silently praying). And at first he had me convinced...
but I now understand how he had been setting me up the entire time. Out of the group of girls I hung out with, I had the least amount of self confidence, I was the most trusting. I had the brightest smile, and the most innocent eyes. I drank in every word that he told me. Every time he told me how pretty I was, or how he loved the color of my hair, I gushed.
I could blame myself, I was foolish to believe that he was really just going to have a shower before we went to grab some food, when he left me sitting on the computer I should have left. Of course, it could have helped if I had a vehicle, or was anywhere near my home. But it's not my fault. I know that. God knows that. Eric knows that. Sure, I liked Eric... A LOT... sure, I flirted with him. So what? That doesnt change the fact that he completely took advantage of me.
I believe that you need to talk to God. Honestly have a conversation with Him. Pray that He show you that this event is completely not your fault.
And whoever that is who told you it *is* your fault. If I knew who they were I would punch them right in the face. I really would. They are completely wrong. and I pity the fact that they would ever think of you in such a way.
Thankyou, I saw 'Eric' tonight on my way home from work and telling my story helped me deal with my emotions in a constructive fashion. Now matter how hard I pray, whenever I see him I always become upset. (I dont cry anymore. yay!) I hope it helped. Please understand how it's not your fault. PM me anytime if you need to. My prayers are with you.
We all love you here. And God loves you. And His love transcends all sin, all darkness, and all the shadows that have been forced on you.
..Nena..
