It's got to end

[lasthope]

I guess if i'm talking about it by posting here then I can't truly want to die can i? Or can i? Do I really want eternal life? NO. I don't want any life. Yes it's selfish seeing as there is nothing physically wrong with me and I'm sure millions of people would kill for that.. but come on... what am I doing? I cannot put my trust whole heartedly in Jesus because I can't honestly say I believe it. Instead I search for earthly people who can fill this void in my life, I push people to their limits until they abandon me and I don't blame them but it hurts it really hurts. Maybe if I could truly believe, I could trust God instead and never feel let down, but that's so difficult.

My biggest fear was that suicide only leads to hell, but hell cannot be worse than me. My other fear is not doing it 100% right and ending up in a situation worse than I already am in, but I've worked it all out, now I just need to get on with it. As the day and evening goes on I feel more and more ready to do it and make plans for making the drive and doing the deed the following day.. but come morning I have this little glimpse of hope that things can improve.. but as the evening comes I head straight back in to the spiralling pit of despair.

What can anyone say or do to help me? How can i reach out to people when i can't stand for anyone to be around me? How can things ever improve? The answer is they can't.. in one week, month, year I'd still be here posting the same crap on an online forum because i cannot escape from me while alive.. only in death.

 

[healingrainbow]

I wrote a poem that might comfort you. Feel free to read my blogs anytime. You might find a answer or comfort, you never know

Winds of Change (metaphor)

I was flying so strongly
Above a deep hole
The wind blew so cruelly
That I lost control

As I cried out to you
I saw it in your eyes
That you want me to
Let go of the fear inside

Your love melted my frown
And made me feel so free
Before I knew it I was on the ground
With not a scratch on me

 

[miss-a]

The pattern you describe of feeling some hope and then losing it at night sounds like there is a physical component to this. YOu must have that checked. You must. For me, when I had serious suiciadal thoughts, planning it just as you have been, there was a definite chemical imbalance involved. When I got back on meds the thoughts went away adn my life is now happy. You must have this checked. The enemy is messing with your mind, telling you lies. Jesus has a plan for your healing adn a plan for your life. Watch your nutrition, lose the sugar and caffeine if you use them (they mess with your blood sugar and can contribute to these feelings), make sure you get exercise and good rest, stay hydrated with water, get meds if you need them, fellowship with mature Christians, talk with your pastor about what is happening with you, and get lots of prayer. If you don't have a local pastor, let me know if you would like me to pm you some numbers you can call.
Praying for you. Keep us posted, A