it's complicated

[pinkputter]

I think mental illness is REALLY complicated. and since i have it (bipolar) it's made my life that much more so.

I've lost way too many friends due to it...and not because of how I treated them due to the illness...it was all just the illness itself that drove them away. The stigma. And honestly i don't want friends who are that judgemental, but at the same time they were my friends so i did care about them and wish it didn't end up being this way. Then there's my family. I should probably treat them better but that is definitely part of the illness. Sometimes I can't control that everything irritates me and I get so sensitive when I'm depressed that everything they do upsets me. But instead of working with me, they blame me. They don't see my perspective at all. They just see mental illness and they think every problem could be solved if i just "get the help i need". My moms a hypocrite and though goes to church she doesn't live her life for God. That gets in the way of our relationship immensely through day to day life.

I cry so much because I feel like every relationship I ever have will be defective and unhealthy. Partly because of the illness but also because i can't seem to find ANY nonjudgemental people out there. I get mad at God for CREATING such people sometimes which is kind of stupid i suppose. But I never get mad at Him for being who He is because I know He is a good God and wouldn't want me hurting at all.

Because of the past scars and being burned by people who say they "are there" for me, my confidence in myself has plummeted and i just don't feel like myself anymore. I pray to God asking Him why He allowed all this to happen when I just want to live my life for Him, showing Christ to everyone I encounter. How can I do that without friends and family supporting me? I feel like no one would respect me enough to give me the CHANCE to even show Christ to them..that sounds far fetched but thats how I feel.

Watching the royal wedding just made me cry today. I think everyone can relate to the longing for something like that in their own lives, their fairytale ending. Ask me years ago and I would have that it was possible. For me or anyone. Now I just want a "normal" life. I want my life to be a celebration though because that's what God wants for all his children. We should all rejoice in the life he has freely given us. I can't wait for that day. All i know to do is to pray and hope that I'm in his hands. I don't know what the meaning for all these hard times is and why life has to be so sad

 

[pinkputter]

You really don't have to read my post but I do appreciate any feedback. or positive stories. Thanks for letting me vent

 

[mothcorrupteth]

I totally feel you on the "fairy tale endings" thing. For myself, the hypersexuality aspect of mania and hypomania is the only thing that might be worse than the irritability. When I get in the elated phase, I want a romantic contact NOW, and I start crushing on girls I really just want to be friends with. Like, last night, we got about halfway through the evening sermon when a wave hit me, and for the space of one or two hours I was compulsively attracted to the unmarried young piano player. Drove me batty. Just looking at her gave me a high. And the thing is, I do kind of like her when my mood is normal, but I'm tormented by the fact that I've said and done so many weird things around her while I'm in one of the abnormal moods, and that she's one of those uptight people who never wants to talk about anything personal, so I can't even apologize to her for acting like a jerk while I was manic earlier this year.

This is all on top of my divorce. The bipolar made me feel compelled to marry a girl I knew didn't understand the Christian faith, and then she left me when I got irritable about her libertine drinking and spending habits. It's like, how can I know if I'm really attracted to anyone ever again? And where the heck am I gonna find a girl who believes the same as me who actually understands and puts up with the mood swings?

 

[EddiesEpics]

My wife and I married before we were believers and before I was diagnosed. She was 19 and I was 20 and we've been married for 27 years (talk about a miracle). She keeps an eye on me and warns me if she sees that I'm "going hot" or if I might be going depressed. One thing I do (and I hope you all do, too) is to stay medicated ALL THE TIME to make sure or to help make sure that things don't swing too far too fast. It does mean that I never feel like myself, but hey, MY self is broken and sinful, so it shouldn't be something I regret letting go of.

 

[SinkingShip]

Finding and maintaining relationships is hard even without any mental illness involved. I've had friends, fellow christians, and even family insist that my illness is "made up" or "all in my head". I can count the number of true friends that I have on one hand, but those friends understand me and accept me even with my illness and mood swings and my friendships with them are deeper and more geniune than the relationships experienced by many other people. There are people out there who are non-judgemental and who will accept you for who you are, they are just really rare. For me, I make it a point to be there for people when no one else was there. Not all of them became friends and many never returned the favor, but I learned that I need to be open to others before they would trust me enough to be open to me.

Just remember that you're not alone. Many of us here have similar stories of judgement, rejection, and betrayal. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk further.