it's back again! :(

[Ceccia]

I thought I was rid of it, had conquered it.

No.

Several situations have come crashing down on me and I feel immobilized. I feel like I can't pray, and that's the worst part of being depressed, for me. I feel distant from God.

I recently lost my job, and lost the one person I've ever loved (no he didn't die, he moved away and found someone else, when I'd thought we would end up together). And due to a mistake with university housing, I owe them $2500, which will wipe out all the money I have. I have no prospects for a job, either. And I feel lonely and abandoned by A. (the one that moved).

I have so much to do now, as it's the end of the semester. I have auditions that I'm going to fail because I've been lying in bed all day in a dark room crying instead of practicing. I have exams that I'm not prepared for, papers due next week that haven't been started. I'm not a procrastinator, but when depression hits, I just spend all day in bed and all night wandering aimlessly around the city.

I don't know where to start, I don't know how to pick myself up and get back into living. The last time it happened, I was brought out of it by A. (and now, he's one of the things that has caused it to return ) I know I can't depend on another person to bring me out of this.

I feel helpless and cut off from God.

I'm sorry to whine.

 

[NINGirl]

Ceccia, I am extremely sorry to hear about all that has occured to you. One can only imagine how hard it is to have lost what you have. Please do not feel as if you're whining, everyone at these forums loves and cares about your individual well-being and everyone who browses these forums are looking to aid people in their times of need.

The only thing that can help your feeling distant from God is God Himself. You should, as depressive as you are currently, gather up the strength to pray to Him. Ask Him to guide you to the next point in life and ask Him to free you from the terrible chains of depression.

I will pray for you. May God lift you up and strengthen you once again.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Just get out of bed in the morning and make yourself move. Make yourself walk to class. Make yourself do homework and study. Kind of like shutting off the misery switch and doing what you need to do by sheer determination and resolve.
You will get through this.
Music will help keep your head occupied.

 

[Ceccia]

Thanks, guys.

I will pray tonight. I managed to drag myself out to rehearsal last week and being around people did make me feel a little bit better, like I wasn't in the world by myself, invisible.

Still feeling realyl bad though.

 

[HopelessHuman9579]

the same things have happened to me lately so i know exactly how you feel i've never been a procrastinater either, but when i fall into depression i dont even eat or sleep i suggest that you just bury yourself in what you need to do, start working and get yourself moving, and if you go to a church, make sure you're going regularly, if you don't grab a random friend or loved one and spill, it helps to vent Good Bless and I'll be praying for you

 

[Ceccia]

This is pathetic. it has just dawned on me how pathetic I really have gotten....upon the realization that in order to have any hope of getting anything done, I have resorted to lecturing myself: "Get up now. You're going to be late." "Go to the library. Get dressed and go to the library right now. Just do it." "Yes, you do have to go to class."

I really just can't seem to get it together. And unfortunately that includes praying. I just can't do it lately.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

This is pathetic. it has just dawned on me how pathetic I really have gotten....upon the realization that in order to have any hope of getting anything done, I have resorted to lecturing myself: "Get up now. You're going to be late." "Go to the library. Get dressed and go to the library right now. Just do it." "Yes, you do have to go to class."

I really just can't seem to get it together. And unfortunately that includes praying. I just can't do it lately.

I somehow had a feeling that you were being plagued by depression. I, too, am a sufferer from this disorder. I experience a very similar thing you do in the area of prayer (mind you, when I get really angry at God, I tend to talk to him more! Go figure).

Hang in there, dear. And continue talking to me in private if you feel the need to do so.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

This is pathetic. it has just dawned on me how pathetic I really have gotten....upon the realization that in order to have any hope of getting anything done, I have resorted to lecturing myself: "Get up now. You're going to be late." "Go to the library. Get dressed and go to the library right now. Just do it." "Yes, you do have to go to class."

I really just can't seem to get it together. And unfortunately that includes praying. I just can't do it lately.

Hi Ceccia. I have been exactly where you are. It is a bit strange in that when you need the energy the most it seems we are most tired and getting out of bed is like pulling yourself out of glue be we MUST do it. If you don't feel confident then pretend you are.

Most of all begin to keep tab on the negative thinking and/or speaking. Most folks in depression are beating themselves up 10 times a minute. Refuse to let the depression control you. Remember, that is NOT the real you! That is the lack of seretonin - more of a physical problem at this point. If you are succeptible to depr because of chemical make-up like I was, take a small med to pull you out and perhaps prevent future occurences.

Everyone has some genetic problem to deal with whether it is diabetes, depr, anxiety, etc. I am a firm believer that some of us just aren't born with the same amount of chemicals or balance or sometimes our hormones change temporarily, sometimes permanently. It is not your fault but just a pattern combines with genetic factors which have gotten you here. Get control over it as best you can. Stop yourself in mid-thought and replace negative with a positive thought (this is key). What IF I get it together and study harder? What if I keep those scores up. Start making goals. What do you want from life. If you don't know then move in SOME direction. You must keep doing something and moving because that is what God wants us to do. Sure you will have set backs but keeping thoughts throughout the day will keep you up. We have a choice you know. Good and bad things happen, it is how we react to them that is 95% of what counts. Keep your chin up! God bless, I have already prayed for you.

 

[Ceccia]

^^ thank you very much for the prayers.

IN answer to your question, I know exactly what I want in life. The problem is, I feel that it's hopeless and that I'll never succeed. I'm terrified of failure, and I feel like a failure already. There's the old negative tape in my head saying "you can't do that, you're not talented enough, you're aiming too high, be realistic, who do you think you are, you'll fail no matter what you do, blah blah blah..."

ick.

And about the meds, I've always been afraid of chemicals altering the way I think or act, but now I'm wondering if perhaps I should talk to someone about, like you said, a bit of medication to get me started on getting things back together. I'm not sure.

I feel like such a loser for being proud of myself for cleaning my room and doing laundry today. It seems like such a simple thing. But at least now my apartment doesn't look like a pig sty.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

I feel like such a loser for being proud of myself for cleaning my room and doing laundry today. It seems like such a simple thing. But at least now my apartment doesn't look like a pig sty.

You're not a loser for this. I myself am a self-proclaimed slob.

Hey, small victory is still a victory, right?

 

[Ceccia]

I suppose it is

I think it would be best if I took a break from being online for a few weeks. I love you all , and I like talking with you and reading everyone's postings here very much. But final exams are coming up, this week and next and I am NOT ready. I have a twenty-page paper to write that's due in six days, that I haven't even started doing research for. And I have juries, in which I have to sing arias for a panel of professors for a semester grade--and I don't really know the pieces I'm supposed to be singing.

And yet I'm spending hours online instead of making any progress on my school work.

I'll be back in a few weeks to see how you all are doing and hopefully I'll be in a better place too. Till then you're all in my prayers and thoughts.

 

[Glorianna]

You know what I would do? Force yourself to get closer to God. That's what brought me out of depression six months ago. And it's stayed that way! Nothing can cause me to fall into depression again because He is protecting me! I will be praying for you.