I am a young and new in Christianity faith.
I met God when I was freshman in college. he did changed my life a lot.
after my life was changed, I worked so hard to achieve the path he opened up for me. I changed my life plan. I am working on getting into the Dental School.
It required a lot of studying, volunteering, stress.
Until now - everything went smoothly as if he was blessing my path and opened every door I knocked.
I got interview with my first choice school right away.
I got good test grades.
I am graduating college a year earlier that other people.
my life seemed like it was blessed more than I deserved.
Because I was new in faith - i did made mistakes. but i believed in him. I accepted him as my savior. I prayed to him a lot.
God gave me the gift of being a leader so people love me and followed me. I was respected although i was young. People thought i was mature. I tried to be humble as possible. I tried my best to be a good christian and good daughter of the God. However, I did gossiped, I did get angry. I did get drunk and put my duty as god's daughter behind time to time.
I forgot to ask for forgiveness. Yet i depended on him a lot. My faith did not diminished yet increased over the years.
Now, everything is falling down as if he is cursing me.
I am not getting my acceptance letter from the school I wanted to go.
My professor reported me to academic integrity for 4 times in this semester because I worked homeworks with my lab partners, yet i gave them wrong information. so three of us is accused of cheating on homework because we got same wrong answers (the answer was related with mispelling of some words - i am not so good with english because I am Asian immigrant.)
this happened because my friends trusted my knowledge and believed i am smart and able to lead them as of the group. (We did not cheat..just some misunderstanding of the professor)
If i found guilty, then I am on honor probation and i have to report this to my school. and it will not go away for another 8 yrs or so.
I have not found guilty yet but there will be council meeting and I have to present my case.
I am very stressed out.
I lost three of my friends (with different people who i was got caught with for the honor integrity)
I am sick with heart condition
I had anxiety and depression and it is coming back. (I went to the point of visual hallucination while I was depressed)
My school problem
my future problem
all these are coming back that the same time.
and i can't show this to anyone.
My parents didn't know anything about my heart condition, anxiety, depression, or the school problem.
I can't tell my friends about my anxiety and depression as well.
I am practically their leader. I am younger than they are but they depend on me mentally, spiritually. i am a leader of 50 students christian campus ministry.
I am scared that if my depression comes back and i will see those visual hallucination again.
Only place I can depend on is Jesus yet i don't get any peace or comfort.
I am not even sure he listened to my prayers.
all the things he gave me and provided me are hunting me now. it is dragging me down more than I can handle.
I tried to read Job, Psalm, John I, Proverb to find peace and trust in God.
To be comforted so that I know God is listening to my prayers and he will answer me.
Yet I can't stop thinking what if God is punishing me.
How long I should endure this suffering and punishment.
i am finally better from depression after taking pills for months.
I am afraid if it will drag me back to that time again.
I am ignorant of whole suffering.
I don't know what to do at this point
I thought i found my peace in God.
I thought I am done with the hard and dark part of my life.
why is this happening to me?
I am so sorry to burst this on here.
but I want some answer from here....I am sorry to share this here and it is long
but i needed a place for this..
thank you
if you can tell me anything- please tell me and advise me. thank you.
I met God when I was freshman in college. he did changed my life a lot.
after my life was changed, I worked so hard to achieve the path he opened up for me. I changed my life plan. I am working on getting into the Dental School.
It required a lot of studying, volunteering, stress.
Until now - everything went smoothly as if he was blessing my path and opened every door I knocked.
I got interview with my first choice school right away.
I got good test grades.
I am graduating college a year earlier that other people.
my life seemed like it was blessed more than I deserved.
Because I was new in faith - i did made mistakes. but i believed in him. I accepted him as my savior. I prayed to him a lot.
God gave me the gift of being a leader so people love me and followed me. I was respected although i was young. People thought i was mature. I tried to be humble as possible. I tried my best to be a good christian and good daughter of the God. However, I did gossiped, I did get angry. I did get drunk and put my duty as god's daughter behind time to time.
I forgot to ask for forgiveness. Yet i depended on him a lot. My faith did not diminished yet increased over the years.
Now, everything is falling down as if he is cursing me.
I am not getting my acceptance letter from the school I wanted to go.
My professor reported me to academic integrity for 4 times in this semester because I worked homeworks with my lab partners, yet i gave them wrong information. so three of us is accused of cheating on homework because we got same wrong answers (the answer was related with mispelling of some words - i am not so good with english because I am Asian immigrant.)
this happened because my friends trusted my knowledge and believed i am smart and able to lead them as of the group. (We did not cheat..just some misunderstanding of the professor)
If i found guilty, then I am on honor probation and i have to report this to my school. and it will not go away for another 8 yrs or so.
I have not found guilty yet but there will be council meeting and I have to present my case.
I am very stressed out.
I lost three of my friends (with different people who i was got caught with for the honor integrity)
I am sick with heart condition
I had anxiety and depression and it is coming back. (I went to the point of visual hallucination while I was depressed)
My school problem
my future problem
all these are coming back that the same time.
and i can't show this to anyone.
My parents didn't know anything about my heart condition, anxiety, depression, or the school problem.
I can't tell my friends about my anxiety and depression as well.
I am practically their leader. I am younger than they are but they depend on me mentally, spiritually. i am a leader of 50 students christian campus ministry.
I am scared that if my depression comes back and i will see those visual hallucination again.
Only place I can depend on is Jesus yet i don't get any peace or comfort.
I am not even sure he listened to my prayers.
all the things he gave me and provided me are hunting me now. it is dragging me down more than I can handle.
I tried to read Job, Psalm, John I, Proverb to find peace and trust in God.
To be comforted so that I know God is listening to my prayers and he will answer me.
Yet I can't stop thinking what if God is punishing me.
How long I should endure this suffering and punishment.
i am finally better from depression after taking pills for months.
I am afraid if it will drag me back to that time again.
I am ignorant of whole suffering.
I don't know what to do at this point
I thought i found my peace in God.
I thought I am done with the hard and dark part of my life.
why is this happening to me?
I am so sorry to burst this on here.
but I want some answer from here....I am sorry to share this here and it is long
but i needed a place for this..
thank you
if you can tell me anything- please tell me and advise me. thank you.