It hurts to see him in church and small groups

[RenewedInHim]

He led me on and strung me along and there is no avoiding him because the church is small. I love this church and the other folks in it. The guy in question is barely even cordial to me anymore, but I put on an act and talk to him anyway because it's so embarrassing in front of other people. It's painful because I used to look forward to seeing him. Now I just dread it. Should I leave this church? I've prayed and prayed, but my hurt and anger aren't budging. I pray to see him as God sees him, I pray for a healthy friendship & fellowship with him...but I still see him as just another jerk who used me. Not for sex, but for an ego boost or something. I am so angry and feel so humiliated. If I leave, how can I even explain to other people there why I'm leaving? Or should I talk to the guy? Is it a Matthew 18 issue? What to do?

 

[Messy]

Don't leave. I left and this weekend I returned. I go to the church, a small homegroup, where my ex is pastor and I set next to his wife and it's in the house of his sister. I spare you the details, but I was very hurt and offended and not anymore, it's great. I go where God wants me to be.

 

[dayhiker]

What I do in those situations is I prepare a talk in my mind. Basically making sure not to accuse the other person of anything. So make a lot of I statements. I want to talk with you about some tension I feel in our relationship.
Then say something like I thought we had developed a nice relationship. But now I feel you are distancing yourself from me. When I came to church I used to be excited to see you, but now I find I don't enjoy church because I'm not comfortable around you. Why have you stopped having our nice conversations? Then be quite and let him talk, if you think he is just giving you a line, just keep listening or say And? and wait some more. Then say thank you.

In general, I'm not hearing you say he did anything overtly to hurt you tho. But you might also want to check if your judging the situation fairly. Maybe the relationship just wasn't working for him so he stepped back. People can do that. If you can judge him with a little more grace you will find your emotions wouldn't be as negative about him.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree. No one usually likes confrontation, but it is necessary, because a lot of times what we think the other person is thinking is completely wrong. Sometimes we are right and it's good to validate those times as well. Plus I always hate it when adults don't act like adults in these situations. Like if someone at work is mad at me for something, I would rather they come to me and say "I didn't like what you said to me" or whatever instead of running to a supervisor.
So I would just tell him, like dayhiker said, it's feeling awkward, and I don't understand why you are barely even cordial to me now when it was different before, and if you don't want to be with me that's OK but we go to the same church and now you are making me feel uncomfortable to the point of me questioning if I should even continue going here.

 

[RenewedInHim]

I don't know if talking will change anything. He is very socially awkward in general and I think another talk will make it worse.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Never know til you try

 

[dayhiker]

I can't think of a case where having a tough talk that I would have rather avoided didn't make things better. I guess if the person was always confrontational and negative things might not improve. But so far every tough conversation I've had improved the situation.

HAI says it this way, each ask for their 100% then negotiate to what you both can agree with.

 

[Promise[83]]

double post

 

[Promise[83]]

Good day RenewedInHim,

in a sense I can relate to your situation because of what I go through in the moment but from the opposite point of view.
My advice just like the others would be to speak directly and find common ground that way so both of you to feel comfortable without awkward feelings when around anymore - avoidance is not a solution.
Make clear what are the person's expectations, hear his side too - how he feels and why. Then you explain back how you feel and why and just speak about it so everything to be clear.
It seems to me that in my case the lady looks on me in certain way due to assumptions only (and that terribly hurts me) and no honest straightforward clear conversations. One sided sentences here and there that don't allow for response back is not a conversation. In my situation I'm trying to find a solution and speak but it's just so hard to catch her in quite environment so not to be constantly interrupted. So that would be my advice to you.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

He led me on and strung me along and there is no avoiding him because the church is small. I love this church and the other folks in it. The guy in question is barely even cordial to me anymore, but I put on an act and talk to him anyway because it's so embarrassing in front of other people. It's painful because I used to look forward to seeing him. Now I just dread it. Should I leave this church? I've prayed and prayed, but my hurt and anger aren't budging. I pray to see him as God sees him, I pray for a healthy friendship & fellowship with him...but I still see him as just another jerk who used me. Not for sex, but for an ego boost or something. I am so angry and feel so humiliated. If I leave, how can I even explain to other people there why I'm leaving? Or should I talk to the guy? Is it a Matthew 18 issue? What to do?

Id consider one last talk with him to see if you can reason why he left you and perhaps make seeing each other not such a big deal when its in social circles. The Bible says to live with each other as much as it depends on us ; however, that doesn't mean being in toxic situations. If its just a matter of hurt feelings because of a breakup and he didn't use your for sex, money, etc... then he actually had the liberty to break up or not with you or anyone else. Same for you too. If its just kinda painful at this point, then, id tend to hang in there and see if youre feelings can be controlled, dealt with, and rationalized perhaps with a talk with him about how it ended, etc....so you can stay in your little church that you like and the social circles that are a part of it.

Only if a person is truly toxic for you or the person is by nature....would I distance myself from him/her . Otherwise, id make the best of being in such a persons presence and concentrate more on the social aspect instead of focusing your thoughts on the person.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Did you ever found out why he left you?

 

[mjmcmillan]

This is actually one really good reason for not dating within your congregation. It's great as long as everything goes well, but if something happens and your relationship goes sour things can get awkward quickly.

It's the same thing as the office romance. Great while it lasts, but if you break up you still have to work in the next cubicle from the other person-- not great.

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

HUGS!!!!! :o That sounds EXACTLY like what happened to me two years ago. I had a very similar situation, I was in a VERY tiny church like 30 people small. A guy I really liked made me feel like he liked me and then a new girl joined our club and he went out with her even though they both knew I liked him. It devastated me, but today I feel fine. I felt the same way you do, he would always sit in front of me with her in church and even got involved in childrens ministry were I was involved. It was so bad I had to leave, I couldn't focus on God or the sermon. So I don't know where God wants you or your exact church situation. For me it was better to leave and I found an even better church where I have grown more ( I found out looking back that I wasn't growing at my old church and a lot of the people there,though I loved them, weren't living out their lives like Christ. But my new church has some more Bibical and godly Christ seeking people. So maybe your situation is to go or maybe its to stay..., Im not sure where God wants you but I will pray for you tonight. Keep your head up and try to focus on the Lord and HIS great love for you that's what helps me. You are His eternal and beautiful bride.

One more VERY important thing, looking back on my situation I realized people were right when they said "maybe God is sparing you right now," and they were right!!! God DID spare me from even more heart ache if I WERE to have dated him. I realized that guy was an insensitive jerk much like your guy, who doesn't deserve me or you. You are a beautiful woman of God and priceless Jewel on the eyes of God and no one else can take that from you. I look back at how perverted that guy I liked was and how arrogant he was. Im so blessed and actually thank God for not letting me be with him but saving me for someone more special. So I know how hard the pain you are feeling right now love, but don't worry keep forgiving those who hurt you and moving to the Lord. Also if it is hard for you to be around him, it's ok to stay away. You can forgive someone and not be "best friends" with them again. As long as you forgive and not hold hurt feelings towards them, which takes time and God's help through prayer. Hang in there, these bad feelings will someday be gone. I know cause Ive been there in your shoes and you will see someday how blessed you are to not be with that loser of a guy. LOVE you sister (HUGSSSS)

 

[Sweet Pea 83]

I don't know if talking will change anything. He is very socially awkward in general and I think another talk will make it worse.

I'm dealing with that right now with a guy at church. I just basically ignore him completely. Similar scenario....led me on to feed his ego and to make other women jealous. Very passive/aggressive guy.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

I am so angry and feel so humiliated.

I don't think you should speak to him until you get over your anger and humiliation. I would pray that God remove these feelings from your heart. Put all of this anger and humiliation at the throne of Christ and leave it there. His burden is light, ours is heavy. I know this is hard, very hard, but as long as you have strong emotions your not going to be able to be at peace. It will take a while, but this is the right thing for you.

Pray.

Jesus take this anger from my heart, it is eating me up inside. I want love and peace in my heart, not this anger and resentment. I pray that you show me how I can release it all. I am leaving this problem at your throne Lord. This burden is too heavy for me to bare. I know now that I have given this to you, I must let it go. Help me to move forward in peace and love. Help me to love more and be angry less. Restore my peace Lord, when I attend church and when I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ. May I have your strength as I move towards forgiving others as You have forgiven me Father. Amen.

This is something you will have to work through eventually, no matter what church you go to.

Be blessed.

 

[Sweet Pea 83]

^^ That's a good prayer!

 

[steflou64]

I dated a guy similar for two months-probably just used me for money which I will NEVER give to a guy again! He was arrogant/insensitive/perverted-used to talk about how much sex he has had in his life all the time!! LOL! I am looking at new and bigger churches and I have NO desire to be around this guy even as a friend and the church in question has had alot of financial/personnel problems-people getting terminated, etc.

 

[KnowHisJoy77]

He led me on and strung me along and there is no avoiding him because the church is small. I love this church and the other folks in it. The guy in question is barely even cordial to me anymore, but I put on an act and talk to him anyway because it's so embarrassing in front of other people. It's painful because I used to look forward to seeing him. Now I just dread it. Should I leave this church? I've prayed and prayed, but my hurt and anger aren't budging. I pray to see him as God sees him, I pray for a healthy friendship & fellowship with him...but I still see him as just another jerk who used me. Not for sex, but for an ego boost or something. I am so angry and feel so humiliated. If I leave, how can I even explain to other people there why I'm leaving? Or should I talk to the guy? Is it a Matthew 18 issue? What to do?

We are called to forgive and let no root of bitterness take place in our hearts.

If I understood correctly you are angry and humiliated because he boosted your ego, what did he do?..and you feel used (how and why?). By reading your post and having not much details, I think you have to guard your heart around men and I do think your hurt has to do with pride. Please talk to him and make peace! God is not a God of confusion. The enemy enjoy to sow confusion, misunderstanding, etc stop the plots of darkness and bring everything to the light and open, is my oppinion.

 

[Sweet Pea 83]

^^ Sometimes it's just a broken heart. Having your heart broken isn't a "sin" or always due to a "sin".

 

[pittsflyer]

So if there was no sex involved and he was getting an ego boost then you must be quite good looking. If so then you should be getting a lot of attention in other areas of your life and even at church. IF that is the case you should have a lot more self esteem than that. I am guessing there is something missing here.