Issues and the like.

[Inperfected]

Me and my fiance are getting married in 3ish months now, and we can't wait... but last night, we were quietly talking and I was saying what I was struggling with (and note we've failed with sexual stuff.... he feels unloved without the real closeness (hd it in the past, stupid yes, but it's the past) and so he tries for it sometimes... and fails.). My issue was if I did stuff with him, I hurt him from the guilt after wards.. but if i didn't? He ends up feeling not as loved (even though hhe knows in his head he is.)

Now this conversation went on for a little (was an honest discussion of feelings not a blame laying event)... But then I came to the point where I told him, 'but I can't wait til I can marry him, and that we are dealing with the things that have been problems etc' and he told me to stop.... He then said if all this is a problem (little romance on his part, not close to god at the moment, etc etc,), then end it now.

Well we got to the end of that saga, and then I asked him if he wanted to be close to god again. The answer? No answer. Finally he said he didn't know. That just about deal broke for me... I want us both to be close to god, and it's about a deal breaker really..... Well I sobbed, and he explained it further...

His mum is REALLY struggling now with a lot and he some what blames god for it all... Now he shouldn't , but he does. He said his head questions god and whats happened at the moment, but his heart wants to be close to god...

My question is how to get someone to understand, in there heart, that god isn't to blame for trials someone close is going through...

And any other pieces of advice is handy too...

 

[Mskedi]

It's not an uncommon thing for people to be upset with God when things are particularly bad for them or the people they love. I mean, read Psalms.

It sounds like in this rough time he needs support. As someone whose head has questioned God and whose heart has wanted to be close to God (as you described your bf's current state), I will say that being pushed towards being close to God could very well make things worse. Give him some time and some space spiritually, and support him as he deals with whatever is hurting his family. And, obviously, don't stop praying for him.

The fact that in his heart he wants to be close to God is the main thing. Sometimes Christianity sounds like the most ridiculous thing in the world to me, but my heart won't let me reject it. I think it may not be as bad as you think it is.

My opinion based upon limited information, of course.

 

[Inperfected]

Hey thanks for that... Just reminding me of past stuff I've had spiritually, and reminding me of sort of how it feels...

Of course I'm here supporting him, been trying to supporting him through it for about 2 years now, and though it sometimes feels like we aren't, we are getting somewhere...

 

[Leanna]

He ends up feeling not as loved (even though hhe knows in his head he is.)

little romance on his part, not close to god at the moment, etc etc

I cut only the parts that I want to talk about. So obviously his love language is physical affection, but I assume he understands that if he just waits 3 months it will be okay and then he can feel the love he needs? He's not breaking up with you so I assume that he realizes this, and I hope you have considered the frequency of this need and whether you will be able to meet it happily. (meaning some guys expect sex daily at least, but the girl married planning once a week.... what matters is not the frequency but whether you are on the same page)

You mentioned two problems but really only talked about one, not close to God. Can you accept him how he is right now? If he is always not close to God, do you still have enough in common to have a strong relationship? You'll have to think about that in depth before you committ to marriage.

The little romance part, it can be a real bummer. My husband doesn't have a romantic bone in his body-- he tries sometimes but its really awkward. He is really sweet though and so I accept him as is. He is willing to try and that's all that really matters. Is your fiance willing to try?

You sound kind of stressed out about all this, and I hope it works out for you

 

[Inperfected]

You mentioned two problems but really only talked about one, not close to God. Can you accept him how he is right now? If he is always not close to God, do you still have enough in common to have a strong relationship? You'll have to think about that in depth before you committ to marriage.

Hey thanks for all that... Made me think a lot... But yes I really can accept him. We've got heaps in common (interests as well as goals and ideas etc...) so we aren't going to have a problem when one of us is feelign further from God... Just worrying me about the poain his mums going through, and him blaming God.. (Whereas I can understand it, and see why at this point god hasn't "helped" her as he sees it.) For us, the other night was emotional yes, but it's just one of those painful times that we need to have to fully deal with the issues we both carry (tho they become smaller as time goes on)...

Thanks heaps again

 

[Inperfected]

As for the romance and physical touch... He's had it explained to him, that if he's been romantic, or loving or whatever, then I'm going to be a lot more open to "physical touch" (in whatever manner)... His view now is romance is great for me... Tho he's still learning the bigger details of the picture...

 

[Emma!]

we've failed with sexual stuff.... he feels unloved without the real closeness (hd it in the past, stupid yes, but it's the past) and so he tries for it sometimes... and fails.). My issue was if I did stuff with him, I hurt him from the guilt after wards.. but if i didn't? He ends up feeling not as loved (even though hhe knows in his head he is.)

He then said if all this is a problem (little romance on his part, not close to god at the moment, etc etc,), then end it now.

I asked him if he wanted to be close to god again. The answer? No answer. Finally he said he didn't know. That just about deal broke for me... I want us both to be close to god, and it's about a deal breaker really..... Well I sobbed, and he explained it further...

His mum is REALLY struggling now with a lot and he some what blames god for it all... Now he shouldn't , but he does. He said his head questions god and whats happened at the moment, but his heart wants to be close to god...

Dont let him pressure/talk you into sleeping with him again... the "i feel unloved if we dont" line is rubbish (sorry, just being honest)... In reality it is UNLOVING to sleep with each other before marriage, it is selfish and will not enrich your relationship (with ecah other or God) but hinder it (as you can see what it is doing here, by adding to lust issues etc...) so just wait...

I would also be concerned about the 'casual' attitude to end it altogether just because you have issues to still work through... this maybe a sign that he isnt ready for the life long commitment. This to me is something you should pray and think about....his level of commitment, and how easily he is to through the whole relationship out... do you really want to marry him if thats his attitude?...and do you think he is 100% ready and commited to making it work NO MATTER WHAT?

And the third thing that you brough up to me is a HUGE concern too... i dont know what standards you have for your life, but when i was deciding on a life partner, i wanted someone that was 100% commited to God and then me.... i wanted him to stretch me spiritually, to lead us, to support me (in that area) to work WITH and minister together, to keep each other accountable.... i didnt want someone who was luke warm and unsure about whether or not they wanted to be colse to God.... that to me is a BIG BIG sign to at very least WAIT to get married.....

All of this you need to pray about and think very carfully about....if it was me i would at least get some christian couple counselling and talk through ALL of these issues.... i would recommend that he get some counselling by himself to deal with and work through his uncertainties with God and the whole blame issue (you cannot make him see the truth (you can tell him) but its something he needs to realise)..... i would NOT get married as it is....i would wait untill you know that he is 100% commited to God and you....untill then i would not marry him..

(I know that people can go through hard patches and you can support him but you want to make it 100% sure that he is commited to God and you....BEFORE marrying him).

Sorry to be blunt but thats how i feel/see it, i pray that God will give you both wisdom...
Bless you

 

[Emma!]

Oh and i hope its clear that im saying that those are things that i think should be worked through before marriage, im not saying that you shouldnt marry him at all.... that would depend on how the whole working through this stuff goes.

Pray Pray Pray about it all!!! God knows exactually what you need to do... and no one (including me) can tell you what to do, but God can, so ask Him!

 

[Inperfected]

Right at this moment, My eyes are big...... I guess i didn't explain myself wrong... i think i'm gonna have to reply paragraph at a time..........

Dont let him pressure/talk you into sleeping with him again... the "i feel unloved if we dont" line is rubbish (sorry, just being honest)... In reality it is UNLOVING to sleep with each other before marriage, it is selfish and will not enrich your relationship (with ecah other or God) but hinder it (as you can see what it is doing here, by adding to lust issues etc...) so just wait...

Yes I realise this. Realistically we should be wanting "that" as if we don't there is a big warning not to get married in 3.5 months. However, we realise that now is not the time. It is just sometimes hard due to certain things I don't want to go into deeply.

I would also be concerned about the 'casual' attitude to end it altogether just because you have issues to still work through... this maybe a sign that he isnt ready for the life long commitment. This to me is something you should pray and think about....his level of commitment, and how easily he is to through the whole relationship out... do you really want to marry him if thats his attitude?...and do you think he is 100% ready and commited to making it work NO MATTER WHAT?

Casual? excuse me? Where in my post did you see the word "casual" implied or otherwise because it wasn't there... This is a guy who has loved me for nearly 5 years and is struggling a bit at the moment. I had told him about things I was struggling with with him, and he calmly told me that we didn't have to go through with this marriage until we were married. If things were not right, not marry him. That shows maturity not "casualness". Yip, I see him as 100% committed... He's dealt with some REALLY hard things in his life so we can work out things together. It's hurt and ached but it's getting easier. I can promise you, he isn't going to be considering divorce. Neither now, or in the future.

And the third thing that you brough up to me is a HUGE concern too... i dont know what standards you have for your life, but when i was deciding on a life partner, i wanted someone that was 100% commited to God and then me.... i wanted him to stretch me spiritually, to lead us, to support me (in that area) to work WITH and minister together, to keep each other accountable.... i didnt want someone who was luke warm and unsure about whether or not they wanted to be colse to God.... that to me is a BIG BIG sign to at very least WAIT to get married.....

This isn't a BIG sign to me in the slightest. He has been this way in the past, and I am commited to working through this tough time spiritually with him, not abandoning him during it. When I decided on him, he was fully commited. Since then his mums taken some painful paths for the family and her and it's hurting him. And I did explain the bit abou thim being unsure about being close to god. And no we are not waiting longer than we have previously planned. Why? Because I don't see the things you bring up as make or break issues, but rather things we are fully aware of and are working through. And we'll continue to work through them in our marriage.

It's not counselling that he needs at the moment, just God to touch his heart and stop the intense hurt from it.

 

[starprincess]

I have to say i agree with Emma.

I know it's the last thing you would want to hear...so close to your wedding date.
We alll have differnt things we think we need and want in a relaionship for our happiness.
However,I think it's important that the person u are spending the rest of your life, with have a close relationship with God then you.The mere fact ur b.f couldn't answer that it tells you, there's alot to be done before makign that BIG STEP.(and you can't convince or change his mind about that...only God can).

The problem we as women make at times is to make excuses for our men or thinking we can somehow change them, when in actuallity they don't want to change.

I'm not saying he is not the one you should marry.
like Emma i just advise you to way the pros and cons and make your decision prayerfully.It all depends on what you think is important to you and will make you happy.

 

[Inperfected]

The mere fact ur b.f couldn't answer that it tells you, there's alot to be done before makign that BIG STEP.(and you can't convince or change his mind about that...only God can).

Sorry I understand now! I had left one bit out after that statement. At that point, I turned away from him cos it hurt to hear. My view on engagement is a time to prepare for marriage, and IF any problems serious enough show, a time you can still end it. This was one of those problems.
However he then explained how he wanted to be close to god, but his head was struggling to understand. I highly doubt I'd ever see this fellow truely turn from God as God was the one who pretty much saved his life. He does want to change, but at this point, he's struggling for ways as to how.