Isn't it sad!

[babyangel]

Isn't it sad how divorce itself is destructive and complex, but to add the complexity of biblical aspects to divorce makes it quit unbearable for some. I turned to the bible when my marriage was in trouble looking for answers and hope. I spent 3 years studying it, getting counceling and came to some conclusions. I am not looking for a debate but just wanted to vent my frustions. Marriage should be for life. But sometimes our life partners can take a turn for the worse and make our lives a living hell. Do you stay or do you go? God teaches us to forgive. I forgave my husband numerous times, but things kept happening. I still forgive him and hold no grudge but I can not trust him. In my case he has done everything bad one can think of except adultery. After alot of stress and anxiety I am still in the same boat. He is ready to divorce me so he can move on with his life (this means sexually). If it happens it is a done deal no going back. My grief starts with what will God say in my case. I am young and can not see myself alone for the rest of my life. I am not conceited but I will say I was the ideal wife. I didnt argue or look for fights I was not demanding I was basically his yes girl. He did not give anything back to me, but bruises, ,blood, and debt. I can not see how I could have done more to stop his behaviour. I pleaded with him for 3 years that I was not happy something has to be done. It in his opinion was all my fault and I should just get over it. Everyone tells me I cant remarry because the divorce will not be for adultery. I feel that there are so many things worse than adultery and I am just as innocent as a person in that case. I turned to the bible and became more upset and depressed and drawn back. Shouldnt the bible be able to comfort me in times like these? My marriage failed and while some people worry about being alone for a little while and maybe not finding another mate, I am worrying about being alone for the rest of my life. When has God ever held someone accountable for someone elses sins? 1Corrintians is so comforting to me because when it refers to the unmarried I do believe it means also divorced because in the same sentence it refers to virgins also, if it only mean people never been married should that not just mean virgins? Are u married do not seek to be loosened. Are u loosened do not seek a wife, but if thou marries thou has not sinned. Although God states I hate putting away (KJV) (putting away in my opinion is different than divorce, but that is a whole other topic) Although Gods ideal of marriage is a lifetime commitment, stuff we can not control happens. There are many instances in the bible where I feel divorce and remarriage is recognized. For example the woman who met Jesus and he said she has had 5 husbands are we to assume all have died or cheated on her or has she just had 5 husbands whatever the case they were all recognized as husbands. God obviously recognized divorce in the OT so how could it change in the NT Jesus did not come to change the laws he came to fulfill them. How can I take comfort in Jesus forgiveness if I am branded with a failed marriage for the rest of my life. Celibacy is only for those who can accept this calling. It is not expected to be accept by all. It makes me want to teach my children never to get married just live in sin and if it doesnt work out move on, you will be forgiven for your sins. I know that doesnt sound logical but I am just stating the feelings these kind of restrictions gives a person. I dont have these feelings but I can understand the desperation why some want their spouses dead. Why are so many things stated in the NT and not everything is taken literal. I mean read 1 Corrintians and it states one can remarry. But no one sees it because of Matthew 19:9 again it is addressing putting away and not divorce. Why are the other things not taken so literal like the bible states when a man and woman become one the man is to leave his parents and join his wife, so does this mean a man can not live on his own prior to marriage or maybe be in the army or something. Or when a person breaks anothers virginity they are told in the bible to marry them and they can never divorce them. If they are instructed that they can never divorce them, that must mean divorce is recognized and/or allowed or else why would that statement be made. But back to literal how many people have lost their virginity prior to marriage and not married the one it happened with. I havent lost faith or belief in the bible. I just choose to view things as they are stated and not what any church can tell me what they believe. But I see and feel the hurt of the confusion and the bible is not meant to be confusing or troublesome. So I had to open my heart and read the bible. This is some of the stuff I have came myself some sort of peace of mind with. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. As I said I am not looking for a debate but if you have some insite I would appreciate it.

 

[Ache For Heaven]

Babyangel,

I am getting the impression you are in anguish over what the bible and others may be telling you about leaving or divorcing your husband.

First of all Jesus loves you.

I am not one that believes in divorce, and I believe that the bible is the infalible, inspired word of God. In the old testament Gods rules where spelled out in black and white, this is right, this is wrong. It hasn't changed.
But....
Jesus came.

God knew we could not live according to the old testament law, so a new testament was made by the blood and sacrifice of Jesus. It is called grace.

You probably already know all of this, but what I am trying to emphasize is Jesus did not judge the woman at the well. He showed love and compasion toward her.

Do you think if Jesus saw this womans husband physically abusing her that he would just stand and watch and tell the woman that too bad your married to him so put up with it? I think not!!

God is your father, he wants the best for you more than your earthly father.
So if you are suffering at the hands of an abusive husband pray to God for guidence and get away from the man.
You may end up divorced and if you do end up divorced does anyone here have the right to judge you? The answer is no.

Jesus is the only one who has the right to judge anyone, including you, and is he not the only righteous judge? So if he is the righteous judge, will he not see your situation and have compassion on you?

God bless you.

 

[Svt4Him]

Again this is a belief based on a loose translation of what Jesus was saying. In the OT divorce was allowed because of hardness of hearts. It is still hardness of a heart that divorce is still a problem. But Jesus was, IMO, addressing the issue of men treating women, or leaving them for another. It can't be as clear cut as some make it out to be, or all divorce would be a sin. In the OT God's people, after reading God's law, had to put away their wives, even when they had children. This was because God was more concerned with their well-being. If divorce is sin, it was always sin, and God then made people sin, which isn't possible.

I once heard a Jewish teacher say Jesus was talking about a 'get' or something like that, that was to protect women. I haven't really found anything to validate this, but I am still looking. A good book is Married, Single, Separated and Divorced by someone I don't remember.

 

[Evie]

Isn't it sad how divorce itself is destructive and complex, but to add the complexity of biblical aspects to divorce makes it quit unbearable for some. I turned to the bible when my marriage was in trouble looking for answers and hope. I spent 3 years studying it, getting counceling and came to some conclusions. I am not looking for a debate but just wanted to vent my frustions. Marriage should be for life. But sometimes our life partners can take a turn for the worse and make our lives a living hell. Do you stay or do you go? God teaches us to forgive. I forgave my husband numerous times, but things kept happening. I still forgive him and hold no grudge but I can not trust him. In my case he has done everything bad one can think of except adultery. After alot of stress and anxiety I am still in the same boat. He is ready to divorce me so he can move on with his life (this means sexually). If it happens it is a done deal no going back. My grief starts with what will God say in my case. I am young and can not see myself alone for the rest of my life. I am not conceited but I will say I was the ideal wife. I didnt argue or look for fights I was not demanding I was basically his yes girl. He did not give anything back to me, but bruises, ,blood, and debt. I can not see how I could have done more to stop his behaviour. I pleaded with him for 3 years that I was not happy something has to be done. It in his opinion was all my fault and I should just get over it. Everyone tells me I cant remarry because the divorce will not be for adultery. I feel that there are so many things worse than adultery and I am just as innocent as a person in that case. I turned to the bible and became more upset and depressed and drawn back. Shouldnt the bible be able to comfort me in times like these? My marriage failed and while some people worry about being alone for a little while and maybe not finding another mate, I am worrying about being alone for the rest of my life. When has God ever held someone accountable for someone elses sins? 1Corrintians is so comforting to me because when it refers to the unmarried I do believe it means also divorced because in the same sentence it refers to virgins also, if it only mean people never been married should that not just mean virgins? Are u married do not seek to be loosened. Are u loosened do not seek a wife, but if thou marries thou has not sinned. Although God states I hate putting away (KJV) (putting away in my opinion is different than divorce, but that is a whole other topic) Although Gods ideal of marriage is a lifetime commitment, stuff we can not control happens. There are many instances in the bible where I feel divorce and remarriage is recognized. For example the woman who met Jesus and he said she has had 5 husbands are we to assume all have died or cheated on her or has she just had 5 husbands whatever the case they were all recognized as husbands. God obviously recognized divorce in the OT so how could it change in the NT Jesus did not come to change the laws he came to fulfill them. How can I take comfort in Jesus forgiveness if I am branded with a failed marriage for the rest of my life. Celibacy is only for those who can accept this calling. It is not expected to be accept by all. It makes me want to teach my children never to get married just live in sin and if it doesnt work out move on, you will be forgiven for your sins. I know that doesnt sound logical but I am just stating the feelings these kind of restrictions gives a person. I dont have these feelings but I can understand the desperation why some want their spouses dead. Why are so many things stated in the NT and not everything is taken literal. I mean read 1 Corrintians and it states one can remarry. But no one sees it because of Matthew 19:9 again it is addressing putting away and not divorce. Why are the other things not taken so literal like the bible states when a man and woman become one the man is to leave his parents and join his wife, so does this mean a man can not live on his own prior to marriage or maybe be in the army or something. Or when a person breaks anothers virginity they are told in the bible to marry them and they can never divorce them. If they are instructed that they can never divorce them, that must mean divorce is recognized and/or allowed or else why would that statement be made. But back to literal how many people have lost their virginity prior to marriage and not married the one it happened with. I havent lost faith or belief in the bible. I just choose to view things as they are stated and not what any church can tell me what they believe. But I see and feel the hurt of the confusion and the bible is not meant to be confusing or troublesome. So I had to open my heart and read the bible. This is some of the stuff I have came myself some sort of peace of mind with. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. As I said I am not looking for a debate but if you have some insite I would appreciate it.

my first husband phsycally and mentally abused me. I can sort of see what you are trying to say. However if 2 people are making each others lives pure hell,maybe it's time to seek counseling. God loves you and your husband. If you want to talk,pm me.

 

[heartnsoul]

Hugs! Sorry to hear your husband is ready to file for a divorce. Take this opportunity to draw closer to God. God is our Heavenly Father who loves all His children. He wants the best for you and wants you to be happy. Surround yourself with encouraging, uplifting, positive friends right now. Being around negative people is not going to lift your Spirits and get you through this devastating time. Maybe join a good church (if you haven't already) and get some counseling for yourself.

May God comfort you with His peace and love. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[babyangel]

I have joined a church recently and going through counseling with the preacher there. As for my husband going to counseling well, I asked many times in the past, and he had no part of it, then he said he would if I went to sex couseling, don't get me wrong sex was good, when I trusted him and loved him with my whole heart and respected him, but how can u sleep with someone that is suppose to be the ultimate in love and affection if you don't feel any, this is why he thinks I have a problem. Did I say I am blamed for everything. He doesnt understand that I have forgiven him, I just cant trust him, it takes alot to earn trust back and he just keeps reminding why I dont trust him. Appartently this past year he has gone to some kind of couseling for his temper, but he hasnt changed he is the same. He has given me much grief after speaking to a mentor now he feels he has rights and by me making him leave the house, I am wrong, and even though he is abusive mentally and physically and has a drug charge that he can take the kids from me, and live happily ever after, you know what hurt the most is when he never said he missed me, or our time together he basically said he is horny and needs sex and misses sex, he didnt try to win me over by saying he missed me or anything.

 

[brokenbananas]

BabyAngel,

Yours is a tough situation. I don't think I have any advice for you that would be too constructive or helpful, other than I will be lifting you and your husband in prayer. Just keep praying for your husband, believing that things will get better, and do what you can on your part to seek godly counsel & help. God can change the both of you to better meet each other's needs.

You did say that you did everything an ideal wife did, but an ideal wife for each man is different. We all have different love languages and maybe either of you weren't meeting each other's love languages. I do believe God can restore and heal your marriages. I just don't know the steps you should take to get there other than what I have written.

Prayerfully in Christ,
Doris

 

[babyangel]

I am one of the most kind and understanding people around. I did not look for trouble, or cause fights. I worked full time and took care of 2 children while he lazed around on umemployment. I supported him when he was arrested, etc etc. The list goes on. I have been abused for the most bizarre reasons. It is not because he came home late and I complained, I never did. Do you know what it is like to see someones eyes turn red in anger and see the rage in them, when you dont know what you did wrong? I mean I guess no one is perfect and to some I may not be but I was submissive, I was very loving and very caring and very giving. He never tried at anything. He was lazy and never did anything. I put 110% of my love into this marriage making him feel special any way I could. I never asked for material things, and now that I have kids I look out for their well being and how they are being raised. I grew with my family and he is a 38 year old man that acts like a 15 year old. He manipulates and cons to get his way. I dont keep him from seeing the kids, but after every visit they tell me things he said like we are not together because mommy wont let me stay there etc in all the horrible things he has done, I do not put him down at all infront of the kids, I let them know sometimes people need space to mend. He just makes things worse. I never fought with him, if he was mad, as I said you would see the rage, I would grovel and keep saying sorry for many times not knowing why I just didnt want him mad. I have ran out of the house many times to protect myself. Abuse is never right and I have seen some instances where a woman or man could be provoked by the other, and just to let you know I wasnt a provoker. ooh just gives me the creeps thinking about it again.

 

[Evie]

I am one of the most kind and understanding people around. I did not look for trouble, or cause fights. I worked full time and took care of 2 children while he lazed around on umemployment. I supported him when he was arrested, etc etc. The list goes on. I have been abused for the most bizarre reasons. It is not because he came home late and I complained, I never did. Do you know what it is like to see someones eyes turn red in anger and see the rage in them, when you dont know what you did wrong? I mean I guess no one is perfect and to some I may not be but I was submissive, I was very loving and very caring and very giving. He never tried at anything. He was lazy and never did anything. I put 110% of my love into this marriage making him feel special any way I could. I never asked for material things, and now that I have kids I look out for their well being and how they are being raised. I grew with my family and he is a 38 year old man that acts like a 15 year old. He manipulates and cons to get his way. I dont keep him from seeing the kids, but after every visit they tell me things he said like we are not together because mommy wont let me stay there etc in all the horrible things he has done, I do not put him down at all infront of the kids, I let them know sometimes people need space to mend. He just makes things worse. I never fought with him, if he was mad, as I said you would see the rage, I would grovel and keep saying sorry for many times not knowing why I just didnt want him mad. I have ran out of the house many times to protect myself. Abuse is never right and I have seen some instances where a woman or man could be provoked by the other, and just to let you know I wasnt a provoker. ooh just gives me the creeps thinking about it again.

like I said,I was also abused and if your scared for you and your children he needs to leave. No sense in raising your children in that enviroment. I strongly believe in reconcilation in a marriage,but if the other spouse won't go for help then there is a choice that one must make and take a leap of faith and let God help you. I am not saying I believe in divorce,but we can't sit back and let te other spouse beat you up. I am praying that you find a way to have a peaceful life for you and your children as you deserve it.

 

[heartnsoul]

I have joined a church recently and going through counseling with the preacher there. As for my husband going to counseling well, I asked many times in the past, and he had no part of it, then he said he would if I went to sex couseling, don't get me wrong sex was good, when I trusted him and loved him with my whole heart and respected him, but how can u sleep with someone that is suppose to be the ultimate in love and affection if you don't feel any, this is why he thinks I have a problem. Did I say I am blamed for everything. He doesnt understand that I have forgiven him, I just cant trust him, it takes alot to earn trust back and he just keeps reminding why I dont trust him. Appartently this past year he has gone to some kind of couseling for his temper, but he hasnt changed he is the same. He has given me much grief after speaking to a mentor now he feels he has rights and by me making him leave the house, I am wrong, and even though he is abusive mentally and physically and has a drug charge that he can take the kids from me, and live happily ever after, you know what hurt the most is when he never said he missed me, or our time together he basically said he is horny and needs sex and misses sex, he didnt try to win me over by saying he missed me or anything.

I am happy for you that you have started going to counseling for yourself. I think as you draw closer to God and begin healing from all the emotional damage and scars from your destructive/abusive marriage, you will finally be able to put this all behind you one day. It's normal you that you are still struggling with all the leftover hurt and emotions especially if you still have to keep in touch with him due to the kids. Just continue focusing your heart, mind and soul on your spiritual walk and everything will fall into place. Seeing a psychotherapist may be a good idea too because he/she will help you understand some of your behaviors...and how you can set healthier boundaries for yourself in the future. A few bible classes would probably help you too because it will help you gain wisdom on what is a godly marriage and what God's expectations are for a godly marriage.

You've been through a lot emotionally and it will take lots of time to recover. So be patient with yourself and most importantly--be good to yourself. You deserve to be happy. Love yourself as much as God loves you! God bless you and your children.