Is this the Right Direction?

Definitely have needed a soundboard in the last couple weeks. I am at a part in recovery where I am healthy, living a great life, and blessed. After 3 years of residential programs, it is about time. I have been actively involved in choirs, and church, and volunteer at the animal shelter and such and have a job that I really like and everything.

But I saw a flyer on Celebrate Recovery at the library and am wondering if I should go or not. I have spent so much time working through past abuse, issues dealing with self-injury and depression, and such, that I have never had much time to just live my life outside of the recovery world... at the same time, I was part of Celebrate Recovery in the past, in another city, and it offered some really good support and accountability. I have a good support system, but sometimes I will have something come up that Im unsure who to talk with about it because they haven't been through what I have, so give advice that is sometimes just empty, like "Read your Bible, get in the Word, pray." I know this, I do this, but sometimes it isn't enough. Sometimes you just need a sound board or something. So maybe Celebrate would be a good idea if just for that...

I'm just afraid I will be in the "recovery process" forever. I really want to help others with what I have been through, but when I have tried in the past, like being a moderator in recovery, or being a mentor to someone, or reading some of the things in the recovery section or mental health section, it is more triggering to me, and I find myself giving empty advice because I forget what to do and suddenly I am there again... I have just been on this road so long, that I wish I didn't have to always "heal" from something. I have come so far... God has brought me so far. I'm never going back. But how can I move forward? Because I think that if I do this, it is saying I'm still weak and still can't move forward. But if I don't, I think I will fall because most nights I am awake from anxiety, even with all the skills I have learned.

I mainly needed to get this out, wasn't sure where to put it, but really? is celebrating recovery going backwards? should I just try for once to live a life without a counselor or support group? what would my life look like without one? will I always need one? I haven't taken counseling, been doing fine. But I just get scared sometimes. I'm going home to Houston soon. I'll see my dad the first time in 11 years. I have been talking with family and establishing relationships with my grandma and aunt on my dads side whom I've never met. It is a blessing and fear, since my dad was the one who abused me. And since he is denying it, now I'm afraid it was part of my mind, that it wasn't real. I've just been overwhelmed this week with this.

thanks for the advice, and loving support the people on here always give. It has been quite awhile since I have posted anything on CF as far as struggles go, which is good. I just had a moment yesterday where I was just feeling quite overwhelmed. and I tend to not talk about stuff that bothers me, which has always been quite a problem for me.

I have my own apartment but when I go to school in January, I will be living in the dorms, which will be good for me. Living alone is just harder, because then it is easier for me to just close up again, which goes against what I have learned about talking to people and such when I'm overwhelmed.

I will be doing Celebrate Recovery. I talked to a friend yesterday, and I decided that it doesn't mean I'm any weaker, by keeping accountability around me. Things such as SI urges and such have never completely gone away and it is important to keep my skills sharpened so I can choose to use the healthy coping skills I have learned to cope better. But not everyone understands, so people like this do. I will go without counseling though for awhile, cause I am tired of the "recovery" world. In Celebrate Recovery, it is a safe atmosphere, where I can start mentoring to others, and be able to communicate if that becomes too much. I want to work on being a contributer instead of just always seeking for help. I am grateful for so many who have helped me in the years, including Christian Forums... I had first reached out on here, when I didn't have a support system.

Life is a process of recovery and strengthening one another, and all. It is good not just to be alone in it anymore though. I just don't want to close myself off. Being open is not a weak thing... It is a healthy thing, especially with a life like mine, overcoming one trial after another. I am getting better, and making it. I'm not at the "perfect point" and there will be times like yesterday I wish I was, but that point doesn't exist until heaven.

as far as my memories ago, I know that most of it is real. I think some of the things weren't just because it would have been impossible, but most of it does. I think it is just wishful thinking. I want to stare my dad in the eye and hear it himself that he denies it... or that he did it... but I think I will wait for that, cause that is a step I am not ready for, especially christmas. At the same time I love him, and care for him. He struggles with alcoholism, I found out, and he started trying to stop drinking and such since he found out about my sister and I. I would love for him to get help and everything. I do forgive him. I'm just not used to being in contact after so long. okay, sound board again. I really don't like like to talk about this stuff on here either. But sometimes I do. It helps me process things more I think... but this has been helpful. Thanks! Shara