Is this something that should concern me?

[Ache For Heaven]

My wife has been in a kind of depression for about 3 years now. It seems to have started when she was in college. We were selling a house, moving into a new one, and I know that this was stressful for her.
My wife's mother lives out of state and is remarried, during this time my wife went to visit her mother and her new step-brother was there also. Over time she has developed I guess what you would call a playful relationship with her step-brother.
All I know is she returned from this trip very angry and hateful. She didn't talk to me for a long time. She told me things were not going well with us. She told me she was very angry with me about selling the house and a few other things.
She told me that she stayed up all night talking to her step-brother the day she came back from her mothers.
Is this something I should be concerned about, could she have had some type of affair with him? If it was not a sexual affair could it have been an emotional one?
What justifies an emotional affair?
The reason I am asking is, she hasn't been the same after that trip, and when we have visited together with her step-brother. He teases her and tickles her. Is this flirting? or just brotherly affection?
I find this hard to take because she is always unhappy around me, doesn't want affection or sex. But she is so playful with other men, like her step-brother.
I feel like she doesn't like me.

 

[Southern Cross]

My time is short, so I won't be able to post much of a response. But yes - you should be concerned. If there's smoke, there's fire. Step in now - it's ok for her to have a friendship, but no alone time with the guy, and no physical contact. I'd also limit the phone calls. Oh, and I need to cut right to the point. Does she have any email accounts set up that you don't know about?

Benefit of the doubt applies. It may be nothing. Express your concerns to your wife, and ask her to (a) refrain from seeing him when you are not present, (b) avoid confiding personal things to him and (c) no secret communications. I am a firm believer that women should confide in other spiritually mature women, and men should have good guy friends to go to.

Even if this relationship has no merit, do not let your guard down. Don't act like a crazy jealous guy, but don't turn your head away for even one second. Claim your wife, my friend.

Her behavior seems to have been going on for a while, and it's a symptom of deeper things. Not uncommon. Please go to counseling as soon as you can, just find a good counselor and do it. Both of you!

 

[IslandBreeze]

All I know is she returned from this trip very angry and hateful. She didn't talk to me for a long time. She told me things were not going well with us. She told me she was very angry with me about selling the house and a few other things.

That's not your problem. She should have dealt with that long ago.

She told me that she stayed up all night talking to her step-brother the day she came back from her mothers.

This concerns me. When was the last time you stayed up all night talking to your wife? A little attention goes a long way. Not that I'm putting the blame on you, but what is driving your wife to spend all night talking to someone other than her husband?

I find this hard to take because she is always unhappy around me, doesn't want affection or sex. But she is so playful with other men, like her step-brother.

Has she always been this way, or has this come up recently?

 

[Redguard]

How old are these people that you're speaking of?

 

[Ache For Heaven]

How old are these people that you're speaking of?

He is about 21, my wife is 35.

 

[Redguard]

Could be a midlife crisis.

She's looking at this young buck and thinking back to when she was that age and the decisions that she could've made 15 years ago that would've allowed her to be a happier person today.

Her anger at you is probably resentment. She's probably looking for something different for her life, but probably feels like she's already made her bed and is forced to lay in it now. No escape, etc.

This new step-brother could be feeding her some lines, or putting thoughts in her head. Sexual involvement wouldn't be my first guess (or my second... that's kinda weird).

 

[Ache For Heaven]

Has she always been this way, or has this come up recently?[/QUOTE]
She has only done this with her step-brother, since the time she returned from her trip about 3 years ago.
From the 14 years I have been married to her, this is how I have learned she shows affection. She is not really the kissing/hugging type. When she shows affection she gets playful,teases,tickles, kicks me, hits me. She doen't kick or hit hard, she does it playfully.
When she does this with another man, I get kind of jealous. Because I take it as her flirting with him.

 

[Redguard]

IMO, there's no need for her to have her hands on other men. In any sort of playful way, especially.

 

[Yitzchak]

Yes. You should be concerned. However, I would not dwell on whether or not she might be having an affair. there are many possibilities to explain her behavior. Sometimes going into a radically different environment and seeing how others interact differently can shock a person into seeing how unhappy they are by seeing how it would look if things were different at home.
The main issue is that she is unhappy and wants to deal with some issues with you. It is best to concentrate on finding out what exactly those issues are.
Concerning her relationship with this step brother. He is not a professional counselor and if he is staying up all night giving your wife marriage advice, and just general life advice. I would object on those grounds alone. I would tell her that if the marriage eneds help then it should be a mutual counseling experience with a qualifyed person. Having a third party emotionally involved to the degree you described is not a good thing. It does not neccesarially mean an affair emotionally or otherwise. But it does mean that she is having a third party play a role that should belong to you. If a third party ever becomes neccesary in a marriage then it should be a mutual counseling situation and not some guy she likes talking with. the same would apply to people at work, mother-in-laws, etc. It is dangerous to the health of a marriage relationship to have third parties involved to that degree.
With all of that said, I would still reccomend that you focus mainly on working with your wife to solve whatever problems she is bringing up. Regardless of what motivated her to bring them up.

 

[bliz]

Something is wrong here. It may mostly be going on in your wife's head, but something is wrong.

If this were a brother with whom she had grown up, the phyical stuff might be understandable, if a little creepy but these are two people who essentialy met as adults. This kind of touching between the two of them is simply inappropriate and dangerous.

I suggest that you seek counseling with your wife. Depression can manifest itself in a wide variety of ways... emotional attachments can form even when people are not looking for them ... but this is causing damage to your marriage. Ask her to come to counseling with you and if she will not go, please go yourself.

 

[Telrunya]

I agree with the others. This is a serious problem. I would recommend you go to your wife and have a serious heart to heart talk about your marriage and seek counciling fast. Even if there is nothing to the relationship with your wife and her stepbrother other than inappropriate touching that they think is ok this is obviously damaging your relationship.

 

[heartnsoul]

Yes. You should be concerned. However, I would not dwell on whether or not she might be having an affair. there are many possibilities to explain her behavior. Sometimes going into a radically different environment and seeing how others interact differently can shock a person into seeing how unhappy they are by seeing how it would look if things were different at home.
The main issue is that she is unhappy and wants to deal with some issues with you. It is best to concentrate on finding out what exactly those issues are.
Concerning her relationship with this step brother. He is not a professional counselor and if he is staying up all night giving your wife marriage advice, and just general life advice. I would object on those grounds alone. I would tell her that if the marriage eneds help then it should be a mutual counseling experience with a qualifyed person. Having a third party emotionally involved to the degree you described is not a good thing. It does not neccesarially mean an affair emotionally or otherwise. But it does mean that she is having a third party play a role that should belong to you. If a third party ever becomes neccesary in a marriage then it should be a mutual counseling situation and not some guy she likes talking with. the same would apply to people at work, mother-in-laws, etc. It is dangerous to the health of a marriage relationship to have third parties involved to that degree.
With all of that said, I would still reccomend that you focus mainly on working with your wife to solve whatever problems she is bringing up. Regardless of what motivated her to bring them up.

Excellent post! You have gotten excellent advice from everyone. All the other problems that have resulted are just manifestations of the original problem which is *communication* with your wife. Women operate under verbal communication. Physical communication is important too, but usually women like the social interactions. If you do not take time to talk to your wife and gain her ear, then problems will result. Instead of dwelling on the mother-in-law and the step-brother, your first priority needs to be to work out your marital problems. Once that is worked out, the other relationship issues will resolve themselves. We will be praying for you.

 

[Busybee]

I'm no expert but the fact that your wife TOLD you she and he sat up and talked all night sounds like that's something she wants from you. We as women have the worst time just coming out telling men what we want, as a result end up seething in anger and resentment. You are probably going to have to just flat out ask her what it is she feels she's missing.

I don't think a woman or man has any business with there hands all over each other when they're not blood siblings. The only person I tickle is my husband and that well.... usually does lead to other things and is flirting for us .

My brother I hit on the arm, shove, or poke. Always something rough.

Definitely don't dismiss their behavior as something common especially if you're not comfortable with it.

 

[isaiah5213]

yikes.

you see my age above. i have 2 younger brothers: 21 & 17. me? myself? i see you dealing w/at least 2 separate issues here...

while i do agree w/the "claim your wife" point.. i don't recommend you sit your wife down and state the "too much time w/them, and this and that is not right for a married woman, cuz you are married to me" approach. if this were not a "family" member, then yes. say those things. but we are talking about a step-brother. there is a more delicate way to handle this.

the overall advice is: and i pray you haven't already done this: but DON'T ACCUSE YOUR WIFE OF HAVING AN AFFAIR-EMOTIONAL OR OTHERWISE-W/HER BROTHER-STEP OR OTHERWISE. DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE THAT HER STEP-BROTHER IS FLIRTING. instead, do the following, (in my humble-(i'm pretty arrogant in my posts most of the time, so i am sorry about that...) opinion, please do the following...

both of my younger brothers went thru the phase of wrestling w/me... and it distracted my friends, and their friends. but they went thru it. and while they did wrestle w/me, i had to teach them some boundaries. it was my job. cuz i was the older sister. and it was my job to teach my dad when tickling one day became inappropriate for me. my dad was huffier about it than my brothers were...because they knew. my dad's pride was injured, but he definitely understood. he wanted me to be his little girl. i wasn't anymore. and your wife has the job of teaching her step-brother some boundaries. he's not a little boy anymore. and/or, if he has a wolfish goal, then she has the responsibility of backing him off. but he could be totally immersed, just as she may be, in the "brother/sister" point of view. your wife might accidentally be being suckered. (sorry for the grammar) at the age of 21, it is hard for me to tell, since i don't know him personally, whether he knows what he is doing, and he is intentionally stepping over lines. he came from another family and another background, and because none of us know him, it is highly unwise for any of us to assume that he knows he is doing wrong. and it is unwise for us to assume that your wife knows she is doing wrong.

because she is a sister now, it is easy for her to not look at this 21 year old man as that. she may not have seen a man. an adult man. and it is a huge possibility that she didn't see and doesn't see that she was not doing right by her marriage. what she may have seen was a brother. and being up all night, listening and talking to "her brother" made it easy for her to feel pleased that someone listens to her, takes her advice as a woman, and wants her viewpoint. her step-brother met this need in her. and when he did, she realized that she is not regularly getting this need met. and that she didn't feel like her needs and wants and desires were taken into consideration when you moved. she didn't feel taken care of, nor protected. so she got angry at you. you are her best friend. she yearns and needs the above. and this step-brother put her in touch w/her anger and hurt of the above: i bet she hasn't been able to make many friends at your new location, has she? and do you listen to her much? does she shut down /w you in the past 3 years?? now, she may or may not have consciously realized that her talk w/her step-brother triggered her hurt.

she may look at this guy and see "brother". she will be furious w/you, and it may create a huge huge rift-bigger than already exists-if you impose your "i am the husband" role on her...

but you can say: "i am sad that my decision to move hurt you. i am sad that we are not communicating properly. i want us to get to the point where you forgive me, and how can i help you adjust to this area better? i am sorry you didn't feel like i was taking proper care of you. i am sorry you didn't feel heard. i am sorry you didn't feel like i was taking your advice, feelings, wants, needs into consideration." don't get defensive or argue w/her, if she tells you her anger at moving you again.. just be humble. have an even voice. tell her "i am sorry" numerous times.. let her have her "meltdown." listen to everything she says. don't react. all women have meltdowns. if she has not had one, then she is overdue. sorry. (rueful laugh here)


and in ANOTHER conversation, that has nothing to do w/the above one, find a reason to casually bring up how men think and work!! when their hormones take over, and they are not boys anymore. give her male education, and let her know at what age you realized you had to stop tickling girls unless you were flirting, and let her know when other males learned the same thing, etc etc.. do you see what i am writing?? my husband frequently does that w/me--especially when it comes to educating me about my sons. and i do it to my husband when it comes to the daughters.

again, i say: just educate her about how guys think! we females are totally clueless! and make sure she knows that in your talks w/men, it's not just you, but all guys that think, walk, talk, like this. and make sure she knows that in some things, there are no "exceptional" men.. lol! when she gets the picture, prayerfully she will, she will back off from this guy. she will watch her signals to her brother..

well, i know all this sounds easier read, then done. i am sorry about that. i wish it wasn't like that. but i really have the faith that you and your wife will get this all resolved..

i agree w/the posters. some of this is wrong.. but i don't think it is an affair, or emotional affair..not at this point. i really am pleased w/how descriptive you have been.. thanks.

i will pray for you guys. good luck!!