Is it normal to not be able to tell anyone you know about past child abuse and other stuff because you think they will think you are stupid? I don't blame myself for it (or I don't think I do) but if anyone knows I will feel so stupid for letting it all happen to me.
-
The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.
If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.
If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.
Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist
-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
-
CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
Is this normal?
- Thread starter Grasshopper2000
- Start date
AS4JC91
Active Member
^^ You should feel free to tell or not tell whoever you like. You shouldn't feel stupid because no-one deserves to be abused.
I am very picky with who I tell because my Mum, who used to hit me as a kid, and I have repaired our relationship through counselling and also because I have an 11-year-old sister. If someone blabbed to child services, she could be taken despite never being abused.
I suggest you find a good counsellor who is solid in their field and faith in God. They will never make you feel stupid and it's good to let out all your horrible stuff bottled up inside.
I am very picky with who I tell because my Mum, who used to hit me as a kid, and I have repaired our relationship through counselling and also because I have an 11-year-old sister. If someone blabbed to child services, she could be taken despite never being abused.
I suggest you find a good counsellor who is solid in their field and faith in God. They will never make you feel stupid and it's good to let out all your horrible stuff bottled up inside.
Upvote
0
mjmcmillan
Well-Known Member
- Sep 27, 2009
- 2,555
- 896
- 70
- Faith
- Pentecostal
- Marital Status
- Private
- Politics
- US-Others
Question: Did you have a choice about letting it happen? I would bet not, most children who are abused don't have much choice in the matter. Since you probably couldn't have stopped it, there's nothing to feel stupid about.
We all develop twenty-twenty hindsight in these things, saying to ourselves "If only I had done this, that or the other thing different this wouldn't have happened", but the truth often is that it wouldn't have mattered what you did at the time, the abuser still would have abused you.
It's not your fault, and you're not stupid if you tell what happened to a reliable counselor.
We all develop twenty-twenty hindsight in these things, saying to ourselves "If only I had done this, that or the other thing different this wouldn't have happened", but the truth often is that it wouldn't have mattered what you did at the time, the abuser still would have abused you.
It's not your fault, and you're not stupid if you tell what happened to a reliable counselor.
Upvote
0
- Aug 3, 2004
- 14,082
- 1,003
- 84
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Widowed
Many abused people feel guilty and somehow 'at fault'. That's why it's important to chose carefully who you talk to about it. Beating up on yourself is pretty common anyway, but not that helpful, especially When Jesus is not at all interested on doing that.
John
NZ
John
NZ
Upvote
0
Yes, I think that is normal... it's certainly how a lot of abuse victims feel.
That doesn't make any of it true though... you were a child, sweetie, and a victim. You didn't 'let it happen', you just had it done to you, and that was in no way your fault!!
It's embarrassing sometimes to know that others know something so intimate about us, and for that reason, it is a good idea to consider who you tell, and make sure that you trust them and feel safe with them knowing.
I hope that you can find someone in 'real life' that you can confide in.. it does help to be able to talk about things.
Talking here is a great first step, though, and can help you to gain confidence that people don't think that you are stupid or bad!
Thinking of you, sweetie
Upvote
0
- Jul 2, 2006
- 90,798
- 20,531
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Others
Having been through the same abuse and I wished I had gone to therapy more soon. I suffered so long because I could not tell anyone. I think seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual assault could help you a lot. When I went through therapy all my feelings came out(maybe not all) and the words of the therapist are still in my mind. It is never your fault when you are any age. May Jesus give you the strength to move toward getting professional help. It may just change your life and make you feel free as it did for me. It did take awhile though but it was worth it. Take care. I am praying for all the best to happen.
Upvote
0
Grasshopper,
I agree with what everyone here has said so far. Your fear of people judging you is unfortunately very common with survivors. However, it's an undeserved burden.
Do you know anything about child development? Here's why so many abused children grow up thinking the abuse is their fault (whether they blame themselves for being too weak, too stupid, or a bad kid who deserved it). Kids are egocentric. Not necessarily selfish, but because of the way brain development progresses kids cannot step outside of their own perspective. For example: as a child, my father would become enraged with a situation at work, but come home and yell at me for 3 or 4 hours nonstop. I thought it was because I was a defective and horrible child. I was not capable of thinking...."wow! Something has really set him off....and he also needs to learn some anger management!" I certainly never wanted to tell anyone what my father did to me - because then they too would know I was defective. As I grew out of the egocentrism, it was too late to change my thinking because my belief in my "defectiveness" was a habit. It took years of good friends, and some counseling to see what a lie the abuse caused in my impressionable years.
I believe the same happened to you. I also think you do hold yourself responsible for the abuse.
I now raise children for a living and worked very hard to learn how to care for them in a healthy and nurturing way.
If you never hear anything else I say, please hear this: It was not your job to make other people behave. Not your job to prevent the abuse. Not your job to stop the abuse. Not your job to behave perfectly. Not your job to be smarter than the abuser.
The adults in your life DID have a job - morally and legally. I don't know who abused you...parents, relatives, neighbors, coaches, strangers etc. but they all had various degrees of responsibility toward you...from parents who were supposed to pay attention to your needs, nurture you and protect you to complete strangers who at the very least owed you respect.
It's always the adult's job to be in control. Always the adult's job to be respectful. Always the adult's job to behave. Always the adult's job to be prevent possible harm to the child. To every child. Every child. Always. Always. Always. Always.
Ever noticed how Jesus defends children in the NT? Colossians and Ephesians also give instructions of how NOT to raise children. Colossians 3:21, Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Ephesians 6:4 Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. The Greek meaning of the word for "bring up" means to "nurture, provide with care that nourishes. (No, I didn't know that off the top of my head - I had to look it up!)
My point is, that ALL children; not just the cutest, smartest, talented, well behaved ones, deserve respect. You fell in that category too. You deserved better.
I can't wait for the day when you get royally ticked off at how these abusers treated you. (Doesn't it sound horrible to wish that kind of anger on someone?) The reason I say this, is because it is one of the first steps in finding your freedom. When you finally get mad at the people who betrayed you, then you'll start becoming free from the idea that you were to blame for this.
Then believe it or not, you won't care who knows what happened to you. (That's probably another crazy idea to you!) You will feel no shame in telling people you were abused as a child, because you will finally believe that you were the innocent, and the abusers were the criminals.
I wish you freedom, Grasshopper. It is the sweetest, most joyful experience to get to that point in recovery. (Been there. Done that.) Do what you can to find it.
All the best,
LaBarre
I agree with what everyone here has said so far. Your fear of people judging you is unfortunately very common with survivors. However, it's an undeserved burden.
Do you know anything about child development? Here's why so many abused children grow up thinking the abuse is their fault (whether they blame themselves for being too weak, too stupid, or a bad kid who deserved it). Kids are egocentric. Not necessarily selfish, but because of the way brain development progresses kids cannot step outside of their own perspective. For example: as a child, my father would become enraged with a situation at work, but come home and yell at me for 3 or 4 hours nonstop. I thought it was because I was a defective and horrible child. I was not capable of thinking...."wow! Something has really set him off....and he also needs to learn some anger management!" I certainly never wanted to tell anyone what my father did to me - because then they too would know I was defective. As I grew out of the egocentrism, it was too late to change my thinking because my belief in my "defectiveness" was a habit. It took years of good friends, and some counseling to see what a lie the abuse caused in my impressionable years.
I believe the same happened to you. I also think you do hold yourself responsible for the abuse.
I now raise children for a living and worked very hard to learn how to care for them in a healthy and nurturing way.
If you never hear anything else I say, please hear this: It was not your job to make other people behave. Not your job to prevent the abuse. Not your job to stop the abuse. Not your job to behave perfectly. Not your job to be smarter than the abuser.
The adults in your life DID have a job - morally and legally. I don't know who abused you...parents, relatives, neighbors, coaches, strangers etc. but they all had various degrees of responsibility toward you...from parents who were supposed to pay attention to your needs, nurture you and protect you to complete strangers who at the very least owed you respect.
It's always the adult's job to be in control. Always the adult's job to be respectful. Always the adult's job to behave. Always the adult's job to be prevent possible harm to the child. To every child. Every child. Always. Always. Always. Always.
Ever noticed how Jesus defends children in the NT? Colossians and Ephesians also give instructions of how NOT to raise children. Colossians 3:21, Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Ephesians 6:4 Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. The Greek meaning of the word for "bring up" means to "nurture, provide with care that nourishes. (No, I didn't know that off the top of my head - I had to look it up!)
My point is, that ALL children; not just the cutest, smartest, talented, well behaved ones, deserve respect. You fell in that category too. You deserved better.
I can't wait for the day when you get royally ticked off at how these abusers treated you. (Doesn't it sound horrible to wish that kind of anger on someone?) The reason I say this, is because it is one of the first steps in finding your freedom. When you finally get mad at the people who betrayed you, then you'll start becoming free from the idea that you were to blame for this.
Then believe it or not, you won't care who knows what happened to you. (That's probably another crazy idea to you!) You will feel no shame in telling people you were abused as a child, because you will finally believe that you were the innocent, and the abusers were the criminals.
I wish you freedom, Grasshopper. It is the sweetest, most joyful experience to get to that point in recovery. (Been there. Done that.) Do what you can to find it.
All the best,
LaBarre
Upvote
0
I can totally understand where you're coming from Grasshopper. I was abused as a child by my father (physically and mentally) and didn't want to tell anyone else about it. I didn't tell my mom until after my sister came forward and told her about what happened to her. When I was younger, I just thought that this was normal because it was a regular occurrence for me. I don't know how you were abused, but I do know that any type of abuse causes some serious pain even years down the road. I'm finally comfortable with talking to people that I really trust about it, and for me at least talking about it seems to help me deal with it. If you aren't comfortable talking to others about it, talk to the Lord about it. God just so happens to be the best listener you could ever ask for, and also be the most helpful. If you feel that you need to talk to someone else about it in person, ask Him to give you the strength to do so.
Just remember that whatever happened was not your fault. Nobody in their right mind would ever think you were stupid for being abused or that it was your fault. And if you never tell another person on this earth, at least sit down and have a 1 on 1 with God about it. Pray about it, tell Him how you feel about it, and ask Him to help you. Pray for forgiveness for the person who did it to you as they also need help. That can also help with the burning feeling you may have towards that person, I know it helped me to accept what happened.
I'll be praying for you too!
Just remember that whatever happened was not your fault. Nobody in their right mind would ever think you were stupid for being abused or that it was your fault. And if you never tell another person on this earth, at least sit down and have a 1 on 1 with God about it. Pray about it, tell Him how you feel about it, and ask Him to help you. Pray for forgiveness for the person who did it to you as they also need help. That can also help with the burning feeling you may have towards that person, I know it helped me to accept what happened.
I'll be praying for you too!
Upvote
0
Thank you everyone for your replies. It has helped me so much.
"Then believe it or not, you won't care who knows what happened to you. (That's probably another crazy idea to you!) You will feel no shame in telling people you were abused as a child, because you will finally believe that you were the innocent, and the abusers were the criminals". Wow this freedom you talk about sounds so good. I want it!
I have been reading the Bible loads recently as you have really reminded me that I really can't do it without the Lord and I had been distant from him. I have really been praying that God will reveal to me who to speak to and how to do it and how to move forward.
Thank you everyone.
"Then believe it or not, you won't care who knows what happened to you. (That's probably another crazy idea to you!) You will feel no shame in telling people you were abused as a child, because you will finally believe that you were the innocent, and the abusers were the criminals". Wow this freedom you talk about sounds so good. I want it!
I have been reading the Bible loads recently as you have really reminded me that I really can't do it without the Lord and I had been distant from him. I have really been praying that God will reveal to me who to speak to and how to do it and how to move forward.
Thank you everyone.
Upvote
0
Grasshopper,
I'm so glad to hear that you moving forward. You will get the freedom you deserve. You've heard the expression, "The truth will set you free"? That's exactly what abuse recovery is all about....realizing who was responsible. And it is never the child.
You say that God will reveal the person and path to recovery, and He absolutely will! But keep in mind it might not come in the package you'd expect. Maybe He'll hit you over the head with a revelation, or day by day, bit by bit, He'll help you discover the truth. Someone will make a comment, you'll see something on tv, a memory will pop up, a therapist will ask a question, you'll see an action by a stranger, or read something in a book, or hear lyrics from a song....these can all start erasing the injuries caused by the abuse.
So don't think that God isn't helping because the perfect friend or therapist hasn't come along. It could be that there is piece of healing surrounding you all the time.
Keep this in mind....The truth ALWAYS comes out. The truth is, those who abused you betrayed and failed you. Not your fault. Not in any way. You did nothing wrong. They hold ALL responsibility.
Keep your head up, Grasshopper. Keep reading the Bible. Chat with God. And pay attention to the little things, not just the big.
You will get your freedom. I promise. And it's worth the battle. Victory is very sweet, and the abusers will no longer have any power over you.
I want this for you too. I'm going to pray for you...right now!
LaBarre
I'm so glad to hear that you moving forward. You will get the freedom you deserve. You've heard the expression, "The truth will set you free"? That's exactly what abuse recovery is all about....realizing who was responsible. And it is never the child.
You say that God will reveal the person and path to recovery, and He absolutely will! But keep in mind it might not come in the package you'd expect. Maybe He'll hit you over the head with a revelation, or day by day, bit by bit, He'll help you discover the truth. Someone will make a comment, you'll see something on tv, a memory will pop up, a therapist will ask a question, you'll see an action by a stranger, or read something in a book, or hear lyrics from a song....these can all start erasing the injuries caused by the abuse.
So don't think that God isn't helping because the perfect friend or therapist hasn't come along. It could be that there is piece of healing surrounding you all the time.
Keep this in mind....The truth ALWAYS comes out. The truth is, those who abused you betrayed and failed you. Not your fault. Not in any way. You did nothing wrong. They hold ALL responsibility.
Keep your head up, Grasshopper. Keep reading the Bible. Chat with God. And pay attention to the little things, not just the big.
You will get your freedom. I promise. And it's worth the battle. Victory is very sweet, and the abusers will no longer have any power over you.
I want this for you too. I'm going to pray for you...right now!
LaBarre
Upvote
0
Similar threads
