I am currently experiencing a personal crisis with my boyfriend who is separated from his wife, but still married to her legally. Though this is a very personal issue, I am sharing this with you all in the hope to receive sound Godly, biblical wisdom regarding the topic of divorce and remarriage. For those who feel prompted to respond, I would like to know your thoughts on my particular case and your views regarding this very sensitive and life altering issue: Divorce and re-marriage. Please try to refrain from a spirit of condemnation and pat answers as I am in a fragile state and hurting. I ask for the true body of Christ to rise up and help comfort this bleeding limb.
Let me preface by stating that both my boyfriend and I am currently seeking counseling in my church and have just begun to research in more depth what the Bible teaches on this topic. In addition to this, I am also, of course, seeking God through daily prayer. I am not hinging my decisions on the opinions of this forum since there is limitation here, but I want to seek God in this matter through all possible avenues available to me. I pray that God would use his body to reveal his will for my life through at least one person here.
I am 38 yrs. Old and have been a Christian for 20 yrs. My boyfriend is my age and has been a Christian for about 2 yrs., though he became a theist 6 yrs. prior to coming to Christ.. (He used to be an atheist before he had an experience which led him to believe that there was a God.) He later came to Christ not long before we met and has grown tremendously during the year and a half we have been together.
Let me briefly begin by explaining how I came to become involved in this relationship. I met him through a Christian dating site and cultivated a romantic long distance relationship with him via internet and phone calls. As the seriousness of our relationship progressed, we both decided to take the next step and planned to continue our relationship in person once he completed his degree in the coming 7 months. So the plan was for us to continue our courtship on line for 7 months, then if by then, we were both of the same mind, he would then move to my town and see how things went from there.
Now, for the important part: From the start of our relationship, he did tell me he was separated from his wife and was planning to divorce her. He married her 4 yrs prior to my meeting him and he became a Christian after they separated and before he met me. She is not a Christian. Shes actually a pantheist and was and still is struggling with alcoholism and drug addiction.
What caused their separation? Well, in essence, he told me she had an AA friend who she invited over to stay with them for a week. After the first night the girl stayed over, my boyfriends wife came to him and informed him that she and this girl had kissed that very night and that they were now in love. His wife then relapsed on heavy drugs with this other girl and a week later left him with this other woman. That was the story he told me then.
Based on this (infidelity and abandonment), I felt he was justified to divorce her in good conscience and therefore be free to be remarry in the future. The only thing preventing his filing for divorce was the lack of money and he planned to have all that finalized before he came to be with me. He assured me he was over her and wanted to move on with his life. Now, the story of the events I just explained above is not untrue, but they are only part of the story. I came to find out the full story just recently as a result of speaking with his still legal wife. Let me just insert that the 7th month plan fell apart due to the fact that his wife was coming back to move into the house he was living at. He was living with her parents (his in-laws) until he finished school. Her parents were accepting her to move back in, but he didnt want to live under the same roof with her so he dropped out of school and came to live here in my town.
Hes been here for a yr. and a half and for this whole time he has wanted to file for divorce, but due to financial struggles, he could not do it. We live in NJ near NYC and the cost of living here is crazy expensive. The jobs hes had thus far were barely paying for the basics. Thats mostly due to his not completing his degree. (But hopefully that will all change for him soon, but thats another story)
Anyway, keep in mind that for this whole time we were together, though I was bothered he was still legally married, I saw that as a legal technicality believing that, in the eyes of God, he was justified to seek a divorce and therefore free to be with me and I with him. In other words, though I saw the certificate of divorce as important for personal resolution and legal matters, I believed that the minute his wife broke the marriage vow through infidelity and abandonment he had biblical grounds to dissolve that contract before God in good conscience even if he had not yet been able to attain the legal document. In retrospect, this was perhaps unwise on my part to actively engage in and accept the relationship before the actual legal paper work was finalized. I dont know. Like I said the original plan was for the divorce to be finalized before he came to be with me. The only reason he came earlier than anticipated was because he had no where else to live (since it wasnt his home) and he was unwilling to live there with her.
To get on with the story, he arrived; I put him up at a hotel until he could get on his feet. All this to say, our relationship remained sexually pure to this day, we got to know each other, shared many interests, fell in love, went to church together, cultivated a healthy godly relationship where we both prayed and studied the bible together. We both experienced spiritual growth as a result of one anothers influence and worked to build our relationship on Christ. The only loose end was the filing of the divorce. So far so good. Everything seemed peachy keen and now this brings me to the other side of the story.
Recently his wife googled his name and came across my website where his name is mentioned. She emailed me and asked me if this was the same person she knew. For this whole yr. he had no contact with her and he assumed he was still involved with this other lesbian woman. Neither of us knew whether or not she knew about me.
Back when she first left him she told him, via email, she wanted a divorce and he agreed. He told me this was the last time he spoke to her. To make a long story short, I basically found out from her that what had actually took place was that yes, she got wasted, kissed this girl and told him about it. But and this is a big but .she said that after that, he did get upset, but then 2 days later after her and the lesbian woman invited him to partake in a threesome he partook in it twice. He had sex with his wife and this other woman in a threesome. This lesbian girl presented them with the concept of polyamoury which is the union of a group relationship (more than 2 people). Keep in mind this all happened very quickly and was induced by drugs, lust and, for my boyfriend, a deeper psychological reaction to his learning of his wifes betrayal, but Ill go into that later. Keep also in mind that at this time he was not a Christian, not that that excuses such deplorable behavior, but he was living by another spirit at the time.
During this whole thing, he slept in a separate bedroom and his wife and this woman slept in their marriage bed as lovers. In the midst of this event, my boyfriend ended up developing an emotional attachment to this other lesbian as did his wife. The 3 of them had quickly decided to live together as a union.
My boyfriend then developed a stronger attachment to this other girl (the lesbian) and desired to leave with her and leave his wife behind. What ended up happening was that the lesbian girl preferred the wife and told his wife what he wanted and all hell broke loose. His wife, who was by now, blasted out of her mind on heroine, flipped out in a fit of jealous rage hurt by the fact that her husband had developed feelings for this other woman and wanted to leave with her. She ended up leaving with the lesbian instead and leaving her husband behind.
The two girls continued on in their drug abuse and lived together as lovers. My boyfriend, now sobered and still reeling from the shock of what had taken place, felt relieved to be out of that whole mess, though naturally he experienced depression, sorrow, and shame for what had taken place. She contacted him shortly after leaving, demanded a divorce and he agreed to it.
Time went by, he became a Christian and he met me. I also found out that somewhere in the middle of our internet courtship, she called him crying wanting to reconcile. Feeling moved by this, he told her hed be waiting for her, then after getting off the phone with her, one hour later, changed his mind and chose to be with me in his heart. When she returned she had expected and hoped to reconcile to him, but he was gone before she arrived.
Keep in mind he hid all these things from me then and for the whole yr. weve been together. Once I found out (which was 2 weeks ago), I confronted him about it, he admitted to it with great shame and repentance.
You can imagine how devastated I felt and still feel. He is as well. I asked him why he lied to me and didnt tell me the truth. He stated it was due to shame, denial and fear of losing me. He knew that I would never have gotten involved with him in the first place if I believed he was the adulterer (the offender).
After calming down and engaging in long discussions about this. He has come to own up to me, to God and to her that he did an evil thing by partaking in what she had started. In his words, she started it and I finished it.
He is now going through the process of repentance and counseling and is currently working on written letters of amends to his wife, his in laws and to me.
Now here is the pertinent question I have for this forum, he still wants to divorce her and feels, in his view, justified/free to do so biblically since she broke that vow first and committed adultery. Do you agree with this view? He feels that now that he is a Christian and is living a clean life, not only does he no longer love her, but he does not want to return to a life with her because of 1. The irreparable damage that was done as a result of that event and 2. Because of her constant relapses and instabilities. He said that when married to her, he felt committed to the marriage regardless of the relapses and wanted to hope in her sobriety, but that once she told him I kissed this girl, Im in love with her he felt in his heart that all bets are off, its over. He told me that his initial reaction to this news of hers was anger, hurt, shock and emotional disembodiment. He shut himself up in a room for 2 days not knowing what to do. To make him feel better, she gave him one of her painkillers which gave him a buzz. When I asked him why did you join in with them sexually? How could you do that? He has never even cheated on a former girlfriend and always held fidelity and monogamy in such high esteem even when he wasnt a Christian.
He explains that the reason was varied and he is still exploring in therapy why he did what he did. He sees, it was in part simple lust and the temptation of this sexual thing that was put before him, but another reason, in his rationale at the time, was this is the way I will keep my wife another reason was a twisted sort of revenge in his thinking. Meaning he thought to himself, I will take what is yours (this lesbian girl) and defile it so none of you will have each other. At any rate, he recognizes what an abomination it was what he did, but he still holds firm that she killed the sacredness of the marriage while he defiled the corpse.
Though I still love him, I have had to put things on hold between him and me since now I am not certain of what Gods will is regarding this whole matter. I dont know if he is justified by God to have grounds for divorce or if God wants him to at least try to reconcile with her out of duty to his vow. I cannot go forward in this relationship until I know I have the green light from God and until the divorce is finalized (if God should sanction that).
I want to live in obedience to Gods will more than I want this relationship however fulfilling it has been before all this came to light. As much as it pains me to lose him, if it is not Gods will, I know that it is the best for me in the long run. God cant bless what he does not sanction. I dont yet know Gods will in this matter, but I am seeking.
I believe my boyfriend does genuinely love God and wants to know Gods will too, but he is still young in the Lord. He does not want to lose me and he does not believe God is asking him to reconcile with her. I just dont know what to think.
I am currently studying in depth all that I can about what the bible teaches regarding, divorce, re-marriage etc. I am praying, seeking counseling at my church and now writing to you good folks for insight and advice. I can use all the help I can get. I would like your prayers for all of us if you remember. Im sorry this letter is sooooo long. I just wanted to give a full picture of the situation so you can better understand the surrounding circumstances.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.
Tearfully yours,
Monica
My email is rodent_tamer@yahoo.com should you like to write me a private email.
Let me preface by stating that both my boyfriend and I am currently seeking counseling in my church and have just begun to research in more depth what the Bible teaches on this topic. In addition to this, I am also, of course, seeking God through daily prayer. I am not hinging my decisions on the opinions of this forum since there is limitation here, but I want to seek God in this matter through all possible avenues available to me. I pray that God would use his body to reveal his will for my life through at least one person here.
I am 38 yrs. Old and have been a Christian for 20 yrs. My boyfriend is my age and has been a Christian for about 2 yrs., though he became a theist 6 yrs. prior to coming to Christ.. (He used to be an atheist before he had an experience which led him to believe that there was a God.) He later came to Christ not long before we met and has grown tremendously during the year and a half we have been together.
Let me briefly begin by explaining how I came to become involved in this relationship. I met him through a Christian dating site and cultivated a romantic long distance relationship with him via internet and phone calls. As the seriousness of our relationship progressed, we both decided to take the next step and planned to continue our relationship in person once he completed his degree in the coming 7 months. So the plan was for us to continue our courtship on line for 7 months, then if by then, we were both of the same mind, he would then move to my town and see how things went from there.
Now, for the important part: From the start of our relationship, he did tell me he was separated from his wife and was planning to divorce her. He married her 4 yrs prior to my meeting him and he became a Christian after they separated and before he met me. She is not a Christian. Shes actually a pantheist and was and still is struggling with alcoholism and drug addiction.
What caused their separation? Well, in essence, he told me she had an AA friend who she invited over to stay with them for a week. After the first night the girl stayed over, my boyfriends wife came to him and informed him that she and this girl had kissed that very night and that they were now in love. His wife then relapsed on heavy drugs with this other girl and a week later left him with this other woman. That was the story he told me then.
Based on this (infidelity and abandonment), I felt he was justified to divorce her in good conscience and therefore be free to be remarry in the future. The only thing preventing his filing for divorce was the lack of money and he planned to have all that finalized before he came to be with me. He assured me he was over her and wanted to move on with his life. Now, the story of the events I just explained above is not untrue, but they are only part of the story. I came to find out the full story just recently as a result of speaking with his still legal wife. Let me just insert that the 7th month plan fell apart due to the fact that his wife was coming back to move into the house he was living at. He was living with her parents (his in-laws) until he finished school. Her parents were accepting her to move back in, but he didnt want to live under the same roof with her so he dropped out of school and came to live here in my town.
Hes been here for a yr. and a half and for this whole time he has wanted to file for divorce, but due to financial struggles, he could not do it. We live in NJ near NYC and the cost of living here is crazy expensive. The jobs hes had thus far were barely paying for the basics. Thats mostly due to his not completing his degree. (But hopefully that will all change for him soon, but thats another story)
Anyway, keep in mind that for this whole time we were together, though I was bothered he was still legally married, I saw that as a legal technicality believing that, in the eyes of God, he was justified to seek a divorce and therefore free to be with me and I with him. In other words, though I saw the certificate of divorce as important for personal resolution and legal matters, I believed that the minute his wife broke the marriage vow through infidelity and abandonment he had biblical grounds to dissolve that contract before God in good conscience even if he had not yet been able to attain the legal document. In retrospect, this was perhaps unwise on my part to actively engage in and accept the relationship before the actual legal paper work was finalized. I dont know. Like I said the original plan was for the divorce to be finalized before he came to be with me. The only reason he came earlier than anticipated was because he had no where else to live (since it wasnt his home) and he was unwilling to live there with her.
To get on with the story, he arrived; I put him up at a hotel until he could get on his feet. All this to say, our relationship remained sexually pure to this day, we got to know each other, shared many interests, fell in love, went to church together, cultivated a healthy godly relationship where we both prayed and studied the bible together. We both experienced spiritual growth as a result of one anothers influence and worked to build our relationship on Christ. The only loose end was the filing of the divorce. So far so good. Everything seemed peachy keen and now this brings me to the other side of the story.
Recently his wife googled his name and came across my website where his name is mentioned. She emailed me and asked me if this was the same person she knew. For this whole yr. he had no contact with her and he assumed he was still involved with this other lesbian woman. Neither of us knew whether or not she knew about me.
Back when she first left him she told him, via email, she wanted a divorce and he agreed. He told me this was the last time he spoke to her. To make a long story short, I basically found out from her that what had actually took place was that yes, she got wasted, kissed this girl and told him about it. But and this is a big but .she said that after that, he did get upset, but then 2 days later after her and the lesbian woman invited him to partake in a threesome he partook in it twice. He had sex with his wife and this other woman in a threesome. This lesbian girl presented them with the concept of polyamoury which is the union of a group relationship (more than 2 people). Keep in mind this all happened very quickly and was induced by drugs, lust and, for my boyfriend, a deeper psychological reaction to his learning of his wifes betrayal, but Ill go into that later. Keep also in mind that at this time he was not a Christian, not that that excuses such deplorable behavior, but he was living by another spirit at the time.
During this whole thing, he slept in a separate bedroom and his wife and this woman slept in their marriage bed as lovers. In the midst of this event, my boyfriend ended up developing an emotional attachment to this other lesbian as did his wife. The 3 of them had quickly decided to live together as a union.
My boyfriend then developed a stronger attachment to this other girl (the lesbian) and desired to leave with her and leave his wife behind. What ended up happening was that the lesbian girl preferred the wife and told his wife what he wanted and all hell broke loose. His wife, who was by now, blasted out of her mind on heroine, flipped out in a fit of jealous rage hurt by the fact that her husband had developed feelings for this other woman and wanted to leave with her. She ended up leaving with the lesbian instead and leaving her husband behind.
The two girls continued on in their drug abuse and lived together as lovers. My boyfriend, now sobered and still reeling from the shock of what had taken place, felt relieved to be out of that whole mess, though naturally he experienced depression, sorrow, and shame for what had taken place. She contacted him shortly after leaving, demanded a divorce and he agreed to it.
Time went by, he became a Christian and he met me. I also found out that somewhere in the middle of our internet courtship, she called him crying wanting to reconcile. Feeling moved by this, he told her hed be waiting for her, then after getting off the phone with her, one hour later, changed his mind and chose to be with me in his heart. When she returned she had expected and hoped to reconcile to him, but he was gone before she arrived.
Keep in mind he hid all these things from me then and for the whole yr. weve been together. Once I found out (which was 2 weeks ago), I confronted him about it, he admitted to it with great shame and repentance.
You can imagine how devastated I felt and still feel. He is as well. I asked him why he lied to me and didnt tell me the truth. He stated it was due to shame, denial and fear of losing me. He knew that I would never have gotten involved with him in the first place if I believed he was the adulterer (the offender).
After calming down and engaging in long discussions about this. He has come to own up to me, to God and to her that he did an evil thing by partaking in what she had started. In his words, she started it and I finished it.
He is now going through the process of repentance and counseling and is currently working on written letters of amends to his wife, his in laws and to me.
Now here is the pertinent question I have for this forum, he still wants to divorce her and feels, in his view, justified/free to do so biblically since she broke that vow first and committed adultery. Do you agree with this view? He feels that now that he is a Christian and is living a clean life, not only does he no longer love her, but he does not want to return to a life with her because of 1. The irreparable damage that was done as a result of that event and 2. Because of her constant relapses and instabilities. He said that when married to her, he felt committed to the marriage regardless of the relapses and wanted to hope in her sobriety, but that once she told him I kissed this girl, Im in love with her he felt in his heart that all bets are off, its over. He told me that his initial reaction to this news of hers was anger, hurt, shock and emotional disembodiment. He shut himself up in a room for 2 days not knowing what to do. To make him feel better, she gave him one of her painkillers which gave him a buzz. When I asked him why did you join in with them sexually? How could you do that? He has never even cheated on a former girlfriend and always held fidelity and monogamy in such high esteem even when he wasnt a Christian.
He explains that the reason was varied and he is still exploring in therapy why he did what he did. He sees, it was in part simple lust and the temptation of this sexual thing that was put before him, but another reason, in his rationale at the time, was this is the way I will keep my wife another reason was a twisted sort of revenge in his thinking. Meaning he thought to himself, I will take what is yours (this lesbian girl) and defile it so none of you will have each other. At any rate, he recognizes what an abomination it was what he did, but he still holds firm that she killed the sacredness of the marriage while he defiled the corpse.
Though I still love him, I have had to put things on hold between him and me since now I am not certain of what Gods will is regarding this whole matter. I dont know if he is justified by God to have grounds for divorce or if God wants him to at least try to reconcile with her out of duty to his vow. I cannot go forward in this relationship until I know I have the green light from God and until the divorce is finalized (if God should sanction that).
I want to live in obedience to Gods will more than I want this relationship however fulfilling it has been before all this came to light. As much as it pains me to lose him, if it is not Gods will, I know that it is the best for me in the long run. God cant bless what he does not sanction. I dont yet know Gods will in this matter, but I am seeking.
I believe my boyfriend does genuinely love God and wants to know Gods will too, but he is still young in the Lord. He does not want to lose me and he does not believe God is asking him to reconcile with her. I just dont know what to think.
I am currently studying in depth all that I can about what the bible teaches regarding, divorce, re-marriage etc. I am praying, seeking counseling at my church and now writing to you good folks for insight and advice. I can use all the help I can get. I would like your prayers for all of us if you remember. Im sorry this letter is sooooo long. I just wanted to give a full picture of the situation so you can better understand the surrounding circumstances.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.
Tearfully yours,
Monica
My email is rodent_tamer@yahoo.com should you like to write me a private email.
