Is this friendship salvageable?

[Ben Collyer]

first of all, thank you for your responses, and second, PLEASE DON'T POST ANYTHING THAT IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE OR ENCOURAGING.

I have a friend who has been one of my closest friends for a year now, and I think I may have become too dependent on her, and one day she decided to hang out with some other people and not our usual gig, I felt really anxious and a bit possessive. she came to meet us eventually and I was sortof cold toward her because I was jealous and she sensed that.

since then she has been very distant and I realised the problem so I have made new friends and given her space. A and also reiterated to her twice that I recognise the problem and that I value her space. she messaged me back saying its ok dont worry and that she misses me and will see me at the weekend, but when we see each other IRL (we both socialise in the same groups) she is very distant and seems uncomfortable and theres awkward silence between us

whats the best way to make sure the friendship can survive? or is it better if I just accept the loss and move on?

 

[JAM2b]

I feel like it just needs some time. Don't withdraw from her, but also allow her time to come around again. She might just need a bit of healing or trust build up.

I would not keep bringing it up unless she wants to talk about it. I would just do whatever it is you do when you hang out, be friendly and civil. This will level out, or you will each move on when you are ready. No need to rush anything. It might turn out just fine.

 

[Ben Collyer]

I feel like it just needs some time. Don't withdraw from her, but also allow her time to come around again. She might just need a bit of healing or trust build up.

I would not keep bringing it up unless she wants to talk about it. I would just do whatever it is you do when you hang out, be friendly and civil. This will level out, or you will each move on when you are ready. No need to rush anything. It might turn out just fine.

thats what I've been doing, being civil and kind and not pushing the issue. I certainly hope it can work out because we are actually very close. a lot of great memories and she is a friend of the family. its amazing how much damage that one event has done however

 

[JAM2b]

I've had a friend for ten years and sometimes we go through periods of awkwardness or hurt feelings. We get over it and pick back up when we are ready. Sometimes some relations hit some bumps but they can recover. I really believe time is the answer.

 

[Saucy]

Yeah, time will heal this situation. Just prove it was a one-time mess up by not doing it again. Give her a little more space, but still hang out in the group.

You should also figure out why you felt so possessive. Do you have hidden feelings for her that you need to address? You don't have to answer here, but if you do, then that's something you will need to work through or else this awkward situation might happen again...especially if/when she starts dating someone.

 

[Ben Collyer]

Yeah, time will heal this situation. Just prove it was a one-time mess up by not doing it again. Give her a little more space, but still hang out in the group.

You should also figure out why you felt so possessive. Do you have hidden feelings for her that you need to address? You don't have to answer here, but if you do, then that's something you will need to work through or else this awkward situation might happen again...especially if/when she starts dating someone.

I came to realise that possesiveness is caused by insecurity and putting my security in people and I have repented and now feel quite secure in the knowledge that I am loved by God and he is my security

 

[SpiritSong]

Yes, I agree with time being needed here, and not mentioning it further. I also have been through things like this. Sometimes is mends with time, sometimes it does not. You have to roll with life's punches. In the meantime, don't neglect other friends or activities that you enjoy.

 

[Ben Collyer]

Yes, I agree with time being needed here, and not mentioning it further. I also have been through things like this. Sometimes is mends with time, sometimes it does not. You have to roll with life's punches. In the meantime, don't neglect other friends or activities that you enjoy.

eeeek

 

[SkyWriting]

first of all, thank you for your responses, and second, PLEASE DON'T POST ANYTHING THAT IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE OR ENCOURAGING.

I have a friend who has been one of my closest friends for a year now, and I think I may have become too dependent on her, and one day she decided to hang out with some other people and not our usual gig, I felt really anxious and a bit possessive. she came to meet us eventually and I was sortof cold toward her because I was jealous and she sensed that.

since then she has been very distant and I realised the problem so I have made new friends and given her space. A and also reiterated to her twice that I recognise the problem and that I value her space. she messaged me back saying its ok dont worry and that she misses me and will see me at the weekend, but when we see each other IRL (we both socialise in the same groups) she is very distant and seems uncomfortable and theres awkward silence between us

whats the best way to make sure the friendship can survive? or is it better if I just accept the loss and move on?

She might "move" toward you or not. Just be open.

 

[Soul-searching]

first of all, thank you for your responses, and second, PLEASE DON'T POST ANYTHING THAT IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE OR ENCOURAGING.

I have a friend who has been one of my closest friends for a year now, and I think I may have become too dependent on her, and one day she decided to hang out with some other people and not our usual gig, I felt really anxious and a bit possessive. she came to meet us eventually and I was sortof cold toward her because I was jealous and she sensed that.

since then she has been very distant and I realised the problem so I have made new friends and given her space. A and also reiterated to her twice that I recognise the problem and that I value her space. she messaged me back saying its ok dont worry and that she misses me and will see me at the weekend, but when we see each other IRL (we both socialise in the same groups) she is very distant and seems uncomfortable and theres awkward silence between us

whats the best way to make sure the friendship can survive? or is it better if I just accept the loss and move on?

I really think you should talk about it if you want to keep her as a friend. Tell her how you feel and why you react the way you do. Talk about what your friendship is, what it's not and what you want it to be so you are both clear. The thing is, often we think we are clear to others, but in reality we are not, and people can´t read our minds. All of the, lets wait it out, that is fine too, but it could end your friendship because the silence can make you drift further apart. If you address it now, you don´t have to worry that it will escalate to something you don´t want it to be. To keep quiet is not a good way to keep people around, communication is really important.

 

[Andrew77]

first of all, thank you for your responses, and second, PLEASE DON'T POST ANYTHING THAT IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE OR ENCOURAGING.

I have a friend who has been one of my closest friends for a year now, and I think I may have become too dependent on her, and one day she decided to hang out with some other people and not our usual gig, I felt really anxious and a bit possessive. she came to meet us eventually and I was sortof cold toward her because I was jealous and she sensed that.

since then she has been very distant and I realised the problem so I have made new friends and given her space. A and also reiterated to her twice that I recognise the problem and that I value her space. she messaged me back saying its ok dont worry and that she misses me and will see me at the weekend, but when we see each other IRL (we both socialise in the same groups) she is very distant and seems uncomfortable and theres awkward silence between us

whats the best way to make sure the friendship can survive? or is it better if I just accept the loss and move on?

It is extremely difficult for a male/female friendship to survive. You have to keep extremely clear boundaries. And one thing you can never do, is get involved to the point that when they do something with other people, that it bothers you.

I personally have had several female friends. Quite a few to be honest. In all but one case, when those friends went off with other people, it did not bother me at all.

The one time it did, I realized I was overstepping, and intentionally moved back from the relationship.

I had to realize for myself, there is only one type of relationship that is one to be jealously guarded... that of Husband and Wife. Anything else doesn't work.

So can this specific relationship be recovered? Maybe.... but honestly, very low chance. Once one person or the other starts to see that the relationship is beyond just friends... which is what being jealous of who the other is with, is all about.... it's really difficult to get it to go back to the way it was.

 

[Ben Collyer]

It is extremely difficult for a male/female friendship to survive. You have to keep extremely clear boundaries. And one thing you can never do, is get involved to the point that when they do something with other people, that it bothers you.

I personally have had several female friends. Quite a few to be honest. In all but one case, when those friends went off with other people, it did not bother me at all.

The one time it did, I realized I was overstepping, and intentionally moved back from the relationship.

I had to realize for myself, there is only one type of relationship that is one to be jealously guarded... that of Husband and Wife. Anything else doesn't work.

So can this specific relationship be recovered? Maybe.... but honestly, very low chance. Once one person or the other starts to see that the relationship is beyond just friends... which is why being jealous of who the other is with, is all about.... it's really difficult to get it to go back to the way it was.

I suppose it depends if the other person actually values the friendship or not? perhaps in the instance where the chance is "very low" the other person does not value the friendship much

 

[Andrew77]

I suppose it depends if the other person actually values the friendship or not? perhaps in the instance where the chance is "very low" the other person does not value the friendship much

No, that's not the problem. Once a relationship goes beyond 'just friends', it's very difficult to go back to that place where you are just friends.

Both people may value friendship as highly as humanly possible.

When having male and female relationship, that's still hard. If you talk about relationships between men, or between women, then you are right. The long term success of a friendship is in part related to how much each values friendship.

But between genders is different, simply because men and women are different, and there are more factors that play into it.

If you doubt that, then I would simply ask you to consider.... if that friend of yours was a male, instead of a female... if your friend was another guy.... would you be as "anxious and a bit possessive" over a guy hanging out with someone else? Would you have been cold toward him later?

I wager not.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

first of all, thank you for your responses, and second, PLEASE DON'T POST ANYTHING THAT IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE OR ENCOURAGING.

I have a friend who has been one of my closest friends for a year now, and I think I may have become too dependent on her, and one day she decided to hang out with some other people and not our usual gig, I felt really anxious and a bit possessive. she came to meet us eventually and I was sortof cold toward her because I was jealous and she sensed that.

since then she has been very distant and I realised the problem so I have made new friends and given her space. A and also reiterated to her twice that I recognise the problem and that I value her space. she messaged me back saying its ok dont worry and that she misses me and will see me at the weekend, but when we see each other IRL (we both socialise in the same groups) she is very distant and seems uncomfortable and theres awkward silence between us

whats the best way to make sure the friendship can survive? or is it better if I just accept the loss and move on?

Some things take time... time to see if you be real about being her friend and not
resorting to acting jealous and cold toward her if she decides to hang with other
people or whatever.
'Cause if you be "liking" her and be thinking more towards her as a boyfriend and
she senses that, she may continue being sort of aloof when around you... unless
she starts "liking" on you...then you in a whole new area.

If she still comes and hangs out with you or whatever, that can be a positive
sign... you continue to be a friend to her when she is around.