Is this a relationship red flag?

[Life2Christ]

So I am talking to this new guy, who has two adult children and two step kids who he counts as his kids. Sounds great. I found out that he has a first born son who he has no relationship with. To me that is just sad. I feel like running for the hills. Is this a red flag?

 

[dayhiker]

If he has good relationships with 4 kids and not with one, I guess I'd want to know why. It might be that the 1st child was rebellious or got into drugs, or something else that was beyond the families control.

 

[blackribbon]

So I am talking to this new guy, who has two adult children and two step kids who he counts as his kids. Sounds great. I found out that he has a first born son who he has no relationship with. To me that is just sad. I feel like running for the hills. Is this a red flag?

Are you this hard on your potential female friends? Looking for redflags before you even get to know them?

Stop interviewing each man for the "job of being a husband" and start to get to know these men as people...that means flaws and well as their wonderful parts. If you are looking for the perfect man, plan on being single. Jesus was the only perfect man and He is perfectly happy to be your one and only. However, if you want to have a healthy relationship with a real human being in addition to being in love with Jesus, then you are going to have to accept that each man has made some mistakes in his life and has to live with the consequences of those mistakes. I'd sure hope that anyone interested in me would take the time to get to know me AND find out the truth of anything that looks less than perfect in my life.

What exactly are you expecting to find in a man our age? Don't fall in love with an idea of a man ... take your time to actually get to know the man. That usually means time...lots of time...not days, not weeks, but lots of months. Start assuming that this is a long term search not like shopping for a car where you can do an entire search in a week or two.

Don't put your eggs in one basket until you have dated for multiple times (and by that I mean more than two dates)...take your time. You are worth it.

 

[Life2Christ]

Don't put your eggs in one basket until you have dated for multiple times (and by that I mean more than two dates)...take your time. You are worth it.

Can I ask a follow up question? I am talking to 4 men right now. First dates are forthcoming. Is this ethical or sneaky? I haven't kissed any I swear! But all are very attractive and I sure as heck want to. I want to put God first in everything I do..this just feels so unnatural. Why cant Jim Bob Duggar just arrange me a husband?

 

[dayhiker]

Life ... with many 1st dates showing that they person isn't going to be who your looking for in a person to date long term, I don't see anything wrong with dating more guys so you can get to the guy you want to date faster. Then worry about the kissing.

 

[blackribbon]

First of all, you are not in a committed relationship with any of them. You also need to remember that THEY are probably also talking to and seeing other women. It really is wise to see multiple people so that you don't put all your eggs in one basket and come up feeling crushed when it doesn't pan out (and most will NOT pan out).

I'd also watch the "kissing" at this stage since (for girls especially) this tends to be an emotional connection and for you it, obviously is...and you don't need to be forming a "love" relationship in the early stages. Are you okay with knowing the guy you are making out with might have made out with someone else the night before...or even earlier in the same day. Again, this is not a "relationship" but rather a "get to know you". Men are told to think with their right head...women need to do the same thing even if the metaphor doesn't apply the same way. If you are kissing a man, you aren't learning anything about him....beyond how he makes you feel....which really isn't about him either.

 

[blackribbon]

Why cant Jim Bob Duggar just arrange me a husband?

Because you wouldn't like what this entails....it means no dating until God brings the man into your life to start with.

You have the ability to do the same dating standards...by bringing a chaperone to every date and committing to not touching (hand holding included) before the engagement.

 

[blackribbon]

First dates are forthcoming. Is this ethical or sneaky? I haven't kissed any I swear! But all are very attractive and I sure as heck want to.

If you haven't actually met any of the men, I have no problem believing that you haven't actually kissed any of them.

Life, I can't remember...but don't you have a little girl (or do I have the wrong person). I'd start dating with the same principles in place that you want her to use when she gets to that age. Will you be advising her to get physical with boys she barely knows on the first date? Will "but Mom, he was sooo cute!" be a good enough argument? How about when she comes home and announces she is in LOVE and they have been dating for TWO WHOLE WEEKS so she knows this is potentially the "real thing"?

 

[blackribbon]

Can I admit that I have been guilty of falling too fast too....it hurts when it doesn't work out but honesly, the only person in charge of our feelings is ourself. We own them and need to learn to keep them in check and not let our desire to not be alone overwhelm our good sense.

 

[Life2Christ]

Thanks all. Yes, BR. I have a daughter and she will not be dating until she is married I have to tell you, dating feels so unnatural to me. I don't know how to do this. I have a bad habit of giggling like Minnie Mouse, twirling my hair and blushing. Uh! I just get so nervous. If I could open a beer bottle with my teeth and be confident maybe I would feel more natural.

 

[blackribbon]

My simple advice to you is to live under the rules you will be giving your daughter...and remember you are modeling "dating" to her right now. She will learn from your actions more than she will ever learn from your words.

Maybe you shouldn't be going on a date until you know the man well enough that those feelings that make you giggle and hair twirl pass. There is a difference from feeling butterflies and acting like a school girl. I hope you don't respond to the men you see professionally the same way. So you are capable.

 

[blackribbon]

Can I make a suggestion? Maybe you shouldn't date any man that you find "terribly handsome" but rather pick among the ones who are more "pleasant to look at" so that you don't make your decisions from the weakest part of you. I suspect that you will probably find more substance in this group of men too.

 

[Life2Christ]

Can I make a suggestion? Maybe you shouldn't date any man that you find "terribly handsome" but rather pick among the ones who are more "pleasant to look at" so that you don't make your decisions from the weakest part of you. I suspect that you will probably find more substance in this group of men too.

I find men handsome. Period. We are not talking Brad Pitts and Clooneys. I am seeing truck drivers and security guards. I just love masculinity. ..my weakness. I used to be married to an artist..uh. Nothing turns me off faster. The other thing is a lot of these guys have substance and it excites me. Hope I am not a lost cause. Maybe I should date a man with "soft hands" so I can sober up again. The man who is the subject of this thread is a hunter/ 18 wheel trucker. I work in corporate america and the sight of soneone vastly different is refreshing.

 

[blackribbon]

Maybe that difference is part of your downfall, the exotic factor. Take your time to get to know these men instead of letting your hormones take over. I am guessing that "giddy, schoolgirl" behavior on a date isn't really attractive to most blue collar men of our age. You'd be to noisy to take fishing cause you'd scare away the fish, for example...LOL.

 

[bhsmte]

So I am talking to this new guy, who has two adult children and two step kids who he counts as his kids. Sounds great. I found out that he has a first born son who he has no relationship with. To me that is just sad. I feel like running for the hills. Is this a red flag?

Depends on the reason he has no relationship with the first child.

 

[blackribbon]

So I am talking to this new guy, who has two adult children and two step kids who he counts as his kids. Sounds great. I found out that he has a first born son who he has no relationship with. To me that is just sad. I feel like running for the hills. Is this a red flag?

As I read this again, the red flag that I'd be looking at most closely is "why has this man had two failed marriages'? What is he doing wrong and what has changed? (I don't care if it is just the kind of women he dates...)

 

[Life2Christ]

Maybe that difference is part of your downfall, the exotic factor. Take your time to get to know these men instead of letting your hormones take over. I am guessing that "giddy, schoolgirl" behavior on a date isn't really attractive to most blue collar men of our age. You'd be to noisy to take fishing cause you'd scare away the fish, for example...LOL.

Oh gosh...I hope I haven't scared away the fish. I need to get it together

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

When I met my husband he had his two little daughters that were almost 3 and 5. His wife ran off with a truck driver and left the kids with him. He was an excellent dad. He also had a son that he fought for custody of before his girls were born but he lost, she moved out of state and the state didn't do anything even though she was in contempt of court. The son was 4 when they fought for custody and he lost. So since she moved out of state and didn't want my husband in the picture he did not see his son or even know where he was until the son was 15 and wanted to find his dad. He came and lived with us for awhile but as soon as he didn't like the rules he went back to mom. BUT to this day, even though my husband is gone, that son still considers me and my boys family, even more so than his mom because she has also caused trouble in his marriage and my DIL has major issues with her.
So all that to say, until you know the circumstances, it is NOT a red flag. Also my husband had been in jail prior to my meeting him. But it was when he was 18 and he got into a fight with someone and got charged with assault. When I first heard about it (from him) I was a little alarmed until I knew the story.

 

[Life2Christ]

Great story, Michelle. I know the guy in question here is nice but there are other factors. I need to call him tomorrow to break things off. He is getting a little obsessive.