Is there a right way...?

[LonelyTraveler]

...to recover from divorce? My ex and I separated this January after 7 years together, and the finalized papers are due in the mail any day. As to when the marriage really ended, it's probably up for debate. Our last time being intimate was 9 months before then. And the last time I really felt close with her was a little over two years ago just before we moved close to her parents. Neither of us "cheated" in the literal sense, though she once said that I "should have gotten with a prostitute" while I was on the road as a truck driver after we moved, for what reason I do not know. She simply stopped believing in me when her parents would tell her their opinion of me while I was gone. And it was downhill from there. She controlled the money, which I allowed in an attempt to satisfy her need for security, but it ultimately resulted in me having nearly nothing when I moved out. Only an unexpected court settlement from something that happened before we married allowed me to get a new place to live.

Am I depressed? Probably. Do I feel wronged? Certainly. Is there hope of loving again? I would hope so, but I don't think I'm in a good spot to attract someone who themselves may be bitter over their divorce. I only say that because at my age it's gonna be hard to find someone who isn't either divorced or somehow tainted by a previous relationship. My wife was my first, but I really can't expect others to be the same.

So what now? Is therapy a necessity? In all honesty I have considered suicide, just not now. Even if that ends up being the ultimate end, there's much time between now and then. I've considered trying to find a church around here to meet people, but my social ineptitude shows its head when I think about going. I know no one in the area except for the few I work with. The few family members that are alive are 5 and 9 hour drives away. I stayed in the area because I have a job that I thought was going to last until retirement.

Any insight? Am I thinking too fast? Life right now has become a routine on my work week, and a mess of boredom and drinking on my off week.

 

[TheDag]

What helped me was counselling. This provided ideas for coping in tough times. Doesn't mean it is easy. When things get tough I put into action the plans made. At times I have had to sleep at a friends place for my own safety.

Within a week of my wife and I separating a cousin was killed in a car accident and I lost my job. One of the other things I did was to volunteer. This meant I was focusing on serving others rather than dwelling on my problems all the time. Certainly one needs to deal with issues but the worst thing one can do is to have nothing to do but dwell on problems.

Can you explain a bit more what you mean by social ineptitude shows its head? Does this mean you don't go? If you are capable of going perhaps go and when it looks like it is going to end leave early. After a few times then perhaps you may be more comfortable staying and talk for a little bit before saying you need to go. Just bit by bit. Hopefully someone else can give you more advice in that area as it is not an area I really understand.

 

[LonelyTraveler]

Yeah, I haven't gone yet. When I lived alone in Orlando I went to a few churches. But even though I'd find the darkest corner to sit, I'd be hit with a barrage of hands to shake when it came "greeting time." I try to be cool and smile and act friendly and it's just exhausting. And if I visited one regularly I'd feel pressured to remember names which is not my strength. So if I did remember a name I'd wonder if it was because I was inappropriately thinking of them which brings guilt and so I just try to avoid it by not going at all. And then I feel regret for not going because it sucks being alone.

 

[JAM2b]

You could search online to see if there is a DivorceCare group near you. It is a christian support group that teaches some fundamental things about recovering from a divorce. It is very practical and realistic. Not everyone agrees with all of it, but many find it beneficial as a place to start. It helped me a lot. I didn't follow all of the advice, but the main thing I got out of it was that it wasn't the end of the world, and I could make it through.

 

[TheDag]

Yeah, I haven't gone yet. When I lived alone in Orlando I went to a few churches. But even though I'd find the darkest corner to sit, I'd be hit with a barrage of hands to shake when it came "greeting time." I try to be cool and smile and act friendly and it's just exhausting. And if I visited one regularly I'd feel pressured to remember names which is not my strength. So if I did remember a name I'd wonder if it was because I was inappropriately thinking of them which brings guilt and so I just try to avoid it by not going at all. And then I feel regret for not going because it sucks being alone.

I am not good at remembering names either. I usually tell people that I have a great talent for forgetting names. I met a person once who had the same name as my sister. I told them it would be easy to remember for that reason. took me 10 months to remember their name!
Occasionly I remember a person name because of some unusual story it reminds me of. I had to discreetly ask someone in my home group what another person name was because I had forgotten. I've been going for two years!

In terms of actually remembering someones name I don't think it would be because you are thinking inappropriately although only you can truly answer that.

I agree it can be scary talking to new people. I know when I first started going to my current church there were a number of questions that people typically use as ice breakers to start conversation where my answer was sorry not going to answer that at the moment so please don't be offended. Luckily i happened to know the assistant minister who had a child who was in the same class at school as my child. Others I was lucky in that others I met early could cope with my not answering questions.

I don't know if contacting the church before going and speaking to someone would help. Explain you would like to come along but you get rather anxious and uncomfortable talking to new people and think of some way to express how you don't want to answer too many questions. Perhaps they might be able to arrange to meet up with you elsewhere. Maybe prepare a list of questions you would like to ask so that way you can keep the conversation focused on them and the church rather than you. May help to get comfortable.

 

[ukdeedpoll]

Absolutely pent subject matter, appreciate it for selective information .