Is there a mature way to divorce?

[fairygailie]

it looks like a divorce is inevitable for me. my husband and i haven't even had a real friendship and/or marriage for most of my 25 yr marriage. i think us marrying was a mistake in the first place.

in one year, our son will be going away to college, and it looks like that's the time i leave. my husband has been very verbally/emotionally abusive over the years and now he just doesn't talk. AT ALL. we're both totally emotionally disconnected.. just staying for the kid.

so is there a mature way to go about filing for divorce and moving out and all that fun stuff? i really do think it would be the best thing for both of us. we find absolutely no joy in each other, we have absolutely nothing in common... we're just two people who made a big mistake 25 yrs ago.

 

[McScribe]

I think it is possible to be gracious about divorce; it may require getting some help to do it. Be aware that some people will react unpleasantly, because let's face it, they're being rejected. Even if they are unhappy too it may happen. It may even come as a shock unless you have both been discussing it.

What would you like to get out of a divorce? What do you envision happening in your life as a result?

 

[fairygailie]

what would i like to get out of it? most of all, i'd like to be away from a horribly depressed person whose goal it is to pull me down and make me feel worthless whenever he can. plus, he hates when i'm happy, and i'm normally an "up" person. when i was on vacation for two weeks in california (my son and i go every yr) it was wonderful being on my own and not having him around.

i've had years of conflict with him, and it would be so nice to be done with it. we're just sooo very different people. can't base a marriage on drinking and going to concerts when your dating.

what do i envision? well, it's scary because i've never supported myself. i'm 50, and at my age i should be pretty well settled, and i feel like i'd have to start all over again with just the basics. which, actually, wouldn't be that bad, because i don't want that much in life. i'm not materialistic. i do work as a home health aide because i love helping people.

i'd love to one day find a nice christian guy who would be my friend, that i could share my life with. someone who would cherish me and love me for who i am. but before that would happen, if it ever does, i think i'd be struggling alot.

i have a son that i get along with amazingly well, so at least i have one person in the world who loves me. got a brother in cali, but he struggles too.

PS:
whenever i discuss it now, my husband refuses to comment on it.
he has absolutely no communication skills and cannot ever talk about
important things. he's always hated my "shining moments" so to speak, when
i've accomplished good things in my life. instead of ever being proud of me
in regards to my personal grief ministry or getting alot of my poems published,
he's always acted like any accomplishments mean nothing to anyone. and trust me,
ive done alot. i've reached out to hundreds of women who've had preg losses over the years.
everyone likes me alot, but my husband. i was even a grief speaker and facilitator which
brought me immeasurable joy.

the kicker (two years ago) was when he told me that
i only did my mom's eulogy for my own glory. dang!!!! i did a beautiful eulogy
and even talked about heaven and assured people how they could get there.
my husband never even looked at me while i was speaking. talk about cold.
the whole time my mom was dying, my husband was absolutely no help either.

 

[anyman]

I'm a Police Officer. I deal with these situations everyday & have for almost a decade. You might be able to have a gracious/ civil divorce, but it's up to both of you. The biggest mistakes I see are people attempting to alienate their spouse from their children. Also, don't get to hung up on property. Everything is up for grabs until the judge says otherwise. I wouldn't seperate or file unless your 100% certain. Remember EVERYTHING comes out in court. If you find yourself the victim of childish score setteling games, don't play. You'll be better in the long run. You can file an uncontested divorce without lawers & save your self some time & alot of expense. But the only way that works is if your BOTH willing to be civil & compromise a little to come up with an agreement that you can both live with. One last thing. I would spend some serious time recovering before you are romanticaly involved with anyone else. People have a tendancy to end up with the same type of person over & over again unless the deal with the underlying issues that attracted them to Mr. wrong in the first place. I don't wish divorce on anyone. It's really hard. Good luck.

 

[McScribe]

I would agree with much of that. I can see that you are angry, hurt and frustrated by a lot that has gone on in your marriage. I will add in these things:

1. Divorce is never easy, but it doesn't have to be impossible.

2. Get as much free legal advice as you can, discreetly. You can call some law offices and get a free 15 minute to half hour consultation. You can also look at websites about it to get a better picture of what you want.

3. You can download free separation agreements and divorce agreements.

4. Keep a lookout for parenting after separation or divorce courses and information; this will be a big help. You don't have kids at home so it won't be as hard on them as say if they were teenagers living at home, but it will still be challenging to explain things and so on. It helps to use what are often free legal resources to put together a parenting plan.

5. What anyman said is true--it can be very challenging to get involved with someone else right away. Generally it is wisest to be realistic about what you're emotionally capable of, and it takes some serious work to get divorced especially if you're trying to do it intelligently. Keep friends friends for the time being is usually wisest.

6. Try to in the midst of agreeing about things choose to be discreet. This means not venting to everyone you know about what happened. Choose 1-3 people you can really genuinely trust to keep their mouths shut. Consider seeing a counsellor if things really bother you.

7. Be aware that a difficult relationship will get more difficult with divorce at first. The person you have difficulties with doesn't become more communicative or intelligent or compassionate as a result. A key to it becoming less difficult is detaching yourself from emotional investment with them. Prayer helps a great deal with this. You can maintain integrity and a reasonable degree of honesty without being emotionally invested in their reactions. Be prepared to start transforming this relationship from an intimate one to a business one.

8. Consider mediation. If you can at least have a reasonable conversation to some extent this may help and may help save legal fees if you deal with this first.

 

[fairygailie]

thanks anyman and McScribe. all that information helps alot.

i AM wise enough to know not to get emotionally involved soon after. i'm sure i'd be quite an emotional wreck for a while. i take a great relationships class called "safe people" by cloud/townsend.. so yea.. i'm aware of alot of emotional issues.

i really don't know what's worse? staying or leaving? staying is extremely hard emotionally, and leaving... well... haven't done that, so i don't know. as badly as i wanna get outta here, it's hard to just do it.

my son's got one more year of high school, then he's off to college, so at that time, there would be nothing here for me except a husband who is very hostile, and when he's not hostile, he's completely silent.

i did hear that in my state everything is split 50/50.

McScribe...wise advice about emotional attachment. i'm reading an excellent book about how to stay in a difficult marriage and it says to emotionally detach. i've gotta remember that.

as far as telling people.. well... all my friends have known what a tough marriage i've been in for at least 15 years already, so too late not to tell people. but yes, i see your point in not telling everyone every little detail. i've got a few really good friends, so their the ones i would talk to.

i just don't know what i'm gonna do and it's scary. too many unknowns. i've been waiting to get to the "breaking point" and i'm not there yet, but its very close. maybe it would have been better if i wasn't such a strong person. i'd have cracked long ago.

 

[McScribe]

I realize it is hard. One of the reasons for exploring your options is that it helps you to make a decision. Don't feel that exploring options means you HAVE to choose some of them; think of it the way you would think of going to college again. Like...you might if it seems profitable to do it, you might not if it doesn't.

 

[fairygailie]

well, i never did go to college McScribe, but my son's school just had a college workshop for the 11th graders, so i kinda get what your talking about.

one thing i heard about 20 years ago in an advice column: "ask yourself if your better WITH him, or WITHOUT him." financially, would be with him, but emotionally and as a person who likes to live life, have a friendship, and not watch tv 24/7, i'd be better off without him.

i'd love to move to cali, because my brother lives there, so that might be an option. everything has to be put on hold until my son goes go college tho. i can't disrupt what's left of his life here at home.

it's alot to ponder, but for today, i guess i'm okay. i do my thing... husband does his, and the two of us don't meet.

 

[Spinderella]

Hi Fariy,
Just wanted to say that waiting for your son to go to college b4 you make the move can be just as bad as if you left soon than later. My parents split when I was in my 2nd year of University and I almost failed because of the stress. I think I would have been better off if they had split when I was much younger. Just my thoughts based on my own experience. I do understand that you want to protect your son.

 

[fairygailie]

thanks spinderella, but i can't go back in time to when my son was younger. i would have never divorced then because i wanted to stay at home and raise him, and to do that, i needed a husband's support. after losing my first baby full term, i would have been a nervous wreck having him in day care, so that was never an option. i quit my job as a secretary of 18 yrs to stay home for him.

i really don't think there's ever a great time to divorce. my son IS quite used to us not getting along and witnessing shouting matches, and hearing swearing and stuff. i don't hide anything from him. he knows how miserable i am in a marriage with a husband who is totally shut off emotionally.

i think my son would be relieved to see me out of this situation. he's rarely seen my husband and i EVER get along or have any type of fun together.

i'm sorry your parents divorce affected you so much, and i hope you (and they) have come to terms with everything.

 

[overit]

fairy..from personal experience...not easy to have a peaceful divorce with a husband like yours. BUT....the end result...whether you're better with him or w/out...hands down w/out. My marriage was like yours. I only stayed 8 yrs (way too long IMO) I walked away when my boys were 2 1/2 and 4...and have been a single parent for 6 years. No struggle I can evern face as a single parent (financial, doing everythign alone) can even compare to the nightmare of living with an abusive man.
There is no price to big to pay for peace IMO. I can help you with resources if you'd like. PLEASE know there is life abundant, peaceful, and SO much better on this side It's never too late to claim that for your own life.

As for my kids-that's the reason I left. I've always worked full time though ....before my kids were in school they stayed with my mom during the day so that was a blessing.

My divorce was uncontested...I did try to file my own but the judge kept rejecting my final decree on a technicality-so I finally paid an attorney about $800 to do it...was worth it, I shoudl have done that from the get-go and saved myself time, agony and stress of trying to file it solo.

Of course I had a very long parental agreement, etc...since your son won't be a minor and assets divided 50 50 you should be ok to prepare yourself. Perhaps pay an attorney to just review it before you file?

I'd discontinue discussing anything related to divorce/seperation w/your husbands now...continue to detach, get strong, don't engage at all with him and when you're ready just file and go....live in peace. God's hand has been on our lives and my home in a big way since I stepped away from that hell.

 

[ido]

I haven't seen you mention anything about counseling for yourself and/or your husband, fairy. Have you ever seen a counselor about the issues in your marriage?

It sounds like you use your son as a confidant in your marriage, as well, which is dangerous. We are supposed to shield our children from as much of the "ugly" stuff as we can when a marriage is struggling. It sounds like you feel like you have an ally in your son - that might feel good right now, but you don't know the emotional affects that could have on your son (now or as an adult in his own relationships). Please reconsider confiding in him and having disputes with your husband in front of him. If your husband starts in on you in front of your son, get up and walk out of the room.

I will be praying for you to make the right choice in your situation. But, would strongly encourage you to get some marriage counseling (even if your hubby won't go with you) before making any final decisions about leaving.

If you do leave, you will suffer less in the long run if you know you did everything in your power to try and save your marriage and make it a healthy one. It may have been a mistake to marry 25 yrs ago in your eyes, but the commitment was not a light one and the decision to break it shouldn't be either, IMO.

I know I did everything in my power to make my marriage work and to get my ex-husband to seek counseling before I finally had to call it quits. It was much easier to forgive myself (and seek God's forgiveness) knowing that I couldn't do any more than I had on my own to save the marriage.

 

[fairygailie]

we did try counseling 2 yrs ago. it was nothing more than a joke, as the lady only skimmed the surface. we got along a bit better over those 3 months we went, but then it went downhill when we stopped for xmas, plus my mom was dying, and that was my main concern.

even tho we got along better, honestly, we really shouldn't be together. we don't have anything in common even when we DO get along. of the 25 years we've been married, i can't say i've enjoyed most of them. thing is, after i had my son, i quit my job, so i stayed. plus, i've always felt God would hate it if i left, the "for better or WORSE vow".

my son has always heard my husband shouting and calling me filthy names using F and B words. husband never seemed to mind degrading me in front of our son. sad. he's also heard me shouting and throwing things, and storming out of the house (don't do that anymore tho, thank God). i DO worry about how this will affect his future marriage, but there's not a whole lot i can do, but tell him how people should and shouldn't act in a marriage. he's a smart kid and knows how these actions are wrong.