Is Loving them more a command?

[MountainBluebird]

Is there anything in the Bible that commands wives or husbands to love each other more than their children? Are we commanded to place our spouse's needs above our children's?

 

[motherprayer]

I don't believe so. Husbands are called to honor their wives and love them, even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it. Wives are called to submit to their husbands as the head of their household.
But I don't think there is a verse that says that though. I could be wrong.

 

[Radagast]

Are we commanded to place our spouse's needs above our children's?

No, where do you get that from?

 

[Look Up]

I think one could make hypothetical inferences both one way and, in some cases, another from different passages in the Bible, suggesting an answer is not likely to be definitive or decisive. Or the question of "love spouse more than child" is just not directly addressed.

But digress a minute. Jesus' exhortation to "hate" father and mother and even self (etc.) in favor of loving God is probably best taken to imply we must love God first when faced with a conflicting choice between God and those we might naturally love most. In such a case, loving the close family member (or self) rather than God is a sin, as for example when a spouse encourages one to sin.

But consider also the Bible's demands to love people. Our usual problem is not that we love a given person (wife versus child or conversely, for instance) too much but that we love another too little.

Another problem in some recent North American cultures (an assumed context) may be that we little understand what love means to God or what love ought to mean according to the Bible. In a radically egalitarian setting, parent-child hierarchy breaks down, and loving parental discipline of children seems like anti-love. Failure of parents to discipline the child then becomes parental complicity in child rebellion.

God disciplines His children for their good and His glory. So ideally the human parent (fathers in particular) with child. Failure to discipline is to hate the child (as Proverbs notes). Discipline in an egalitarian and otherwise morally messed up culture seems more often to consist of abusing the disciplined (which of course is wrong), but biblically based discipline is done for the benefit of the disciplined ... arguably in the absence of anger.

I realize the above may not directly answer your question, which again I don't think is directly addressed in the Bible, but the digressions may touch on contextually related issues that I think provide some useful and needed boundaries to your question.

 

[Look Up]

More possible boundaries (cf. my previous comments) occur to me, though of course lacking detail, I do not know what is applicable to your situation--as protecting your privacy may require.

Appropriate relationship with a spouse may vary according to the spirituality of one's spouse. Abigail in effect violated her husband's drunken demand not to reciprocate material goods in exchange for the services the anointed David and his men had rendered. She did this to save the life of her foolish (as the text makes a point of labeling him) husband Nabal from the wrath of then-king-at-large David. And Michal daughter of Saul "despised" dancing David in her heart, in consequence of which she remained childless (as the text says). A spouse's misbehavior may have consequences to a marital relationship.

What does a biblically submissive wife do with a non-Christian husband or with a husband jealous of his wife's time with the kids? Submission to an unreasonable husband is commendable (1 Pet. 3). Sinning (by child neglect, for instance) because of an unreasonable husband's demands or pressure is wrong. Love is defined by the laws of Jesus. God's commands come first.

But I can only be briefly illustrative in hopes something I have written may stimulate thought and hopefully God-honoring action. Professional marital counseling may be appropriate at some point.

 

[ebedmelech]

Is there anything in the Bible that commands wives or husbands to love each other more than their children?

No

Are we commanded to place our spouse's needs above our children's?

No

I would point you to Ephesians 5:22-30:

22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

30 because we are members of His body.

31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

If the husband and wife get this right...it all falls into place.

 

[MountainBluebird]

I am asking this because my husband has often said to me that he should be number one in our home and that our marriage would be better if this were the case. I believe that my husband's idea of being number one would be unhealthy for our family, because of what his version of being number one would entail.

 

[Look Up]

I am asking this because my husband has often said to me that he should be number one in our home and that our marriage would be better if this were the case. I believe that my husband's idea of being number one would be unhealthy for our family, because of what his version of being number one would entail.

Ebedmelech has cited the appropriate and primary verses (from Ephesians 5) for husband and wife duties to each other for married Christian couples. Failure of the other party to keep marital duty as here outlined cannot be used before God as excuse to violate one's own duty. However, one may respectfully and humbly remind the other party as to the nature of the duty per Ephesians 5 (cf. Col. 3) or other relevant Scripture (cf. e.g., 1 Cor. 7, Gen. 2, Matt. 5, 18 and 19, Titus 2).

A husband is "number one" or head of his wife because he is responsible to God for leading and loving his wife as Christ does the church (Eph. 5) for her good and God's glory. A husband who loves his wife will listen to her concerns and suggestions, though he is the one God holds chiefly responsible for family decisions.

The husband/father is also accountable to God for raising his children in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4), not to mention providing for familial material needs as he is able.

God does not intend the husband to be "number one" for selfish or sinful purposes, although as I had mentioned previously from 1 Peter, a wife's submission to an unreasonable (or unwise?) husband is commendable before God--with Christ Himself as the chief example of submission to the point of suffering for righteousness sake. (And whether your husband is being unreasonable or not is not mine to judge; I am trying to lay out principles.)

Of course submission does not extend to sin. Where there must be a choice, "obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). Otherwise our submission (and everyone must submit to someone--even Christ submitted to His Father) shows our devotion to God.

For those who trust God's words, God's design for Christian marital roles will prove to be best even though for a time (and maybe in this life altogether), following God proves the difficult road. And usually in this life, our self-centered-ness (that means everybody) and violations of the roles God has set for us comprises a detriment to our good or happiness to one degree or another. God's mercy and goodness to us is ever our only hope, even if often His goodness comes in the form of the kindness of loved ones.

Patience, kindness, and perseverance in doing good are fruits of the Holy Spirit (cf. Gal. 5:22). Rehearsing the "love is" verses from 1 Cor. 13 may help. And I assume you will read the Scriptures cited here and elsewhere for yourself.

P.S. Note that the husband-wife roles are first in a list in Eph. 5-6 that also includes parent-child and master-slave roles in household social hierarchy (given the social setting to which the Ephesians epistle came) and that Paul grounds his argument in theology and Scripture.

 

[motherprayer]

Well, the husband, Biblically speaking, should be the head of his house, but as the head, also Biblically speaking, he should honor his wife and cherish her.

Marriage is a delicate balance. My husband and I wrestled with this very issue, and in the end, I prayed for God to change his heart. Praise God, He worked in our marriage, and I pray He works in yours as well.

Women are not second to men, that is a common misconception. Proverbs says:
14:1 Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
This is a reminder for us as women to always pray for wisdom when our houses are in turmoil.

And in 1 Corinthians:
11:10 For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels.
Our power is amazing, us women, because, if we operate in a right spirit with God, He will work through us.

I hope you find a change for the better in your situation, because I know what its like to be there. My husband has undergone an amazing transformation in the past year, but before that he was very hurtful and controlling at times. It wasn't me who changed him, but God Almighty. I am praying for you!

 

[jlmagee]

Is there anything in the Bible that commands wives or husbands to love each other more than their children? Are we commanded to place our spouse's needs above our children's?

It is often taught that the husband/wife relationship is the most important relationship in the family and as such needs to be nurtured. If that relationship is dysfunctional, the whole family is negatively affected. That would not mean love each other more than your children or place each others needs above the children's.

 

[jlmagee]

I am asking this because my husband has often said to me that he should be number one in our home and that our marriage would be better if this were the case. I believe that my husband's idea of being number one would be unhealthy for our family, because of what his version of being number one would entail.

Jesus' idea of "being mumber one" was to serve and sacrifice for His bride. An attitude such as you speak of would seem problematic. Have you discussed it with him or your pastor and his wife?

 

[MountainBluebird]

Something happened a couple of days ago, and I thought I would share it as an example of what my husband means when he thinks I put our children first. Our family was watching a movie together, when my husband asked me a question, so I paused the movie to answer his question. It wasn't just a question I could answer with a simple yes or no. Then a few minutes later my son asked a question, and I didn't pause the movie. My husband got up and left the room because he was angry that I paused the movie for him, but not for our son, thinking that this meant I was putting our son first. My husband has been angry with me for more than two days over this, and this is just one example of many that I could share.