I always try my hardest to leave things in God's hands. I used to be a constant ball of stress until a few years ago when my mom left my dad. It was at the time the most stressful thing I ever went through. But in such a great amount of despair, I learned to trust in God. From then on, I learned to not be a pessimist and to have more faith. Over the years, I have done that and things ALWAYS worked out for the better. When money was short, I just had faith and then things would work out. My parents even got back together a few months later.
It was a dramatic turn around for me. In fact just recently I prayed that my mom would have an easy time finding a new job and house in Oregon. (my parents are moving from California) Almost immediately, my mom found a job (in this economy) and got a new place to live. Since changing my outlook on things, I have been blessed with the ability to sense that good things are going to happen, though I may not know what they are yet. I constantly pray for situations, but was always taught that telling God what you want rather than praying for God's will to be done, was something that shouldn't be done. I prayed that if it was God's will, that my mom would find a job and an apartment quickly.
This time however, I am having trouble leaving things in God's hands. For the first time in my life, I fell in love. I have had a good amount of crushes growing up, but this time I actually fell in love with someone very special to me. We had known each other for quite some time and were very close friends. So close in fact that I never even considered her as a possible romantic interest up until a few months ago.
A few months ago, I was going through a rough time, relationship wise, with a girl I liked (but didn't love) and Nichole (The girl I'm in love with) was there to comfort me and cheer me up. She always did that when I was down, and I helped her when she was down. In fact, a few months prior I was comforting her when her boyfriend broke up with her. She needed someone to talk to, even at 3 in the morning, and I was always happy to be there for her. I think it was around that time that I started to realize that what I had been looking for in a partner was right under my nose all along.
I didn't do anything about it though, afraid to risk our friendship. A few weeks after though she confessed to me that she had liked me for a very long time and only now had worked up the courage to tell me. (Both of us have a fear of rejection) I was absolutely thrilled (and she was relieved and thrilled). Sparks flew and it didn't take long for the love I always had for her as a friend to become something more. Everything just felt right, as if this was the way things were supposed to be. In fact, I had never been so sure about anything in my life.
But a few weeks into the relationship, I learned that her relatives were very controlling of her and didn't like the time she was spending away from home. (Im 25 and she's 21, but she still lives at home. We are both in college) They are the kind of people who use guilt to get their way. The closed down on her hard and fast. They confronted her, telling her that she was wasting her life and that she wasn't thinking about her family. After spending a week away from me (she lives in a different city so this wasn't out of the ordinary) she concluded that she would not be in a mental state to handle a relationship and she broke up with me.
The mental state, as far as I can tell, is something she does when she is forced to do something she doesn't necessarily want to do. She pretty much secludes herself and tries to convince herself that she is the one calling the shots when, in fact, she is kowtowing to someone else's will. As someone who loves her, it really pains me to see this happen to her.
I can't tell if she ever loved me as well, but I have strong indicators that seem to point to yes. First, she was the one who asked me out after holding in her feelings about me for so long. When we were together, she was so affectionate that anyone who saw us together could easily believe that she was madly in love with me. She practically said it to me. She said "I heart you." shortly after we got together. I don't know if she was trying to tell me that she loved me (but in a way that would avoid rejection) or if she was just trying to be cute. Then there was just the feeling I got from her. When you hug someone for instance who loves you, you feel something. Like an energy. I know she felt it from me and I felt it from her.
Ok, so obviously I am in love with her despite the relationship ending for what I call "unjust reasons". Its been over two months and she is still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before sleeping (if I can sleep). I pray to God everyday that regarding my situation with Nichole that His will be done, but I can't honestly say that I am really praying for that. I say it, and I want to believe it, but I simply can't. In a heartbeat I would easily trade winning $100 million dollars for having her back in my life again. So praying that if God's will be that she is never with me, that it be done, is the most painful prayer I ever made. I often can't even pray it without crying.
I'm not sure what to do. I SHOULD be praying for God's will to be done, but my heart simply won't let me pray it with any amount of honesty if it means that God's will means never being with her again.
It was a dramatic turn around for me. In fact just recently I prayed that my mom would have an easy time finding a new job and house in Oregon. (my parents are moving from California) Almost immediately, my mom found a job (in this economy) and got a new place to live. Since changing my outlook on things, I have been blessed with the ability to sense that good things are going to happen, though I may not know what they are yet. I constantly pray for situations, but was always taught that telling God what you want rather than praying for God's will to be done, was something that shouldn't be done. I prayed that if it was God's will, that my mom would find a job and an apartment quickly.
This time however, I am having trouble leaving things in God's hands. For the first time in my life, I fell in love. I have had a good amount of crushes growing up, but this time I actually fell in love with someone very special to me. We had known each other for quite some time and were very close friends. So close in fact that I never even considered her as a possible romantic interest up until a few months ago.
A few months ago, I was going through a rough time, relationship wise, with a girl I liked (but didn't love) and Nichole (The girl I'm in love with) was there to comfort me and cheer me up. She always did that when I was down, and I helped her when she was down. In fact, a few months prior I was comforting her when her boyfriend broke up with her. She needed someone to talk to, even at 3 in the morning, and I was always happy to be there for her. I think it was around that time that I started to realize that what I had been looking for in a partner was right under my nose all along.
I didn't do anything about it though, afraid to risk our friendship. A few weeks after though she confessed to me that she had liked me for a very long time and only now had worked up the courage to tell me. (Both of us have a fear of rejection) I was absolutely thrilled (and she was relieved and thrilled). Sparks flew and it didn't take long for the love I always had for her as a friend to become something more. Everything just felt right, as if this was the way things were supposed to be. In fact, I had never been so sure about anything in my life.
But a few weeks into the relationship, I learned that her relatives were very controlling of her and didn't like the time she was spending away from home. (Im 25 and she's 21, but she still lives at home. We are both in college) They are the kind of people who use guilt to get their way. The closed down on her hard and fast. They confronted her, telling her that she was wasting her life and that she wasn't thinking about her family. After spending a week away from me (she lives in a different city so this wasn't out of the ordinary) she concluded that she would not be in a mental state to handle a relationship and she broke up with me.
The mental state, as far as I can tell, is something she does when she is forced to do something she doesn't necessarily want to do. She pretty much secludes herself and tries to convince herself that she is the one calling the shots when, in fact, she is kowtowing to someone else's will. As someone who loves her, it really pains me to see this happen to her.
I can't tell if she ever loved me as well, but I have strong indicators that seem to point to yes. First, she was the one who asked me out after holding in her feelings about me for so long. When we were together, she was so affectionate that anyone who saw us together could easily believe that she was madly in love with me. She practically said it to me. She said "I heart you." shortly after we got together. I don't know if she was trying to tell me that she loved me (but in a way that would avoid rejection) or if she was just trying to be cute. Then there was just the feeling I got from her. When you hug someone for instance who loves you, you feel something. Like an energy. I know she felt it from me and I felt it from her.
Ok, so obviously I am in love with her despite the relationship ending for what I call "unjust reasons". Its been over two months and she is still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before sleeping (if I can sleep). I pray to God everyday that regarding my situation with Nichole that His will be done, but I can't honestly say that I am really praying for that. I say it, and I want to believe it, but I simply can't. In a heartbeat I would easily trade winning $100 million dollars for having her back in my life again. So praying that if God's will be that she is never with me, that it be done, is the most painful prayer I ever made. I often can't even pray it without crying.
I'm not sure what to do. I SHOULD be praying for God's will to be done, but my heart simply won't let me pray it with any amount of honesty if it means that God's will means never being with her again.
