Is it too much???

[Dragonfly226]

I'm going to say this, and to those of you who read this and know me and/or my b/f please don't relay this to him or to any of his friends 'cuz that could be detrimental for me.

I've been seriously wondering if I should break up with my b/f lately. Why? Because I am the center of his universe, and I don't like it. He is really insecure and everytime I tell him that I have something to talk to him about he thinks that I'm going to dump him. I've confronted him about these things, but he hasn't changed. I still love him, but at the same time it annoys me how he is still such a little kid. I feel like I need someone who is more mature and, this sounds mean, but someone who is my intelectual and emotional equal. Is this dissatisfaction on my part telling me that I need to move on, or do I stick it out? I just don't know what to do.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Don't dump him based purely on that.

If you love him and are able to handle his insecurity issues, prove to him that he is worthy of love and affection. Stay with him. It is also very possible that within a month or two, he will grow in this area. Affirmation is key; I recommend you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and discuss what your 'love languages' are and what each of you need in order to feel loved by the other.

Secondly, these issues are almost positively not his fault. I have a ton of issues, especially regarding self esteem and trust. This is the case because I was abused in my past, especially by an ex fiance. So, it was natural for me to think that my current fiance (we get married next week) would dump me every time he had something sudden to bring up; that is exactly what my ex fiance (and even another ex besides him) did to me.

I also wouldn't just write him off and call him a little kid, either. Many adults have issues such as these, and many adults with these issues are also very mature in other ways. If he is trying to deal with these issues, knows himself well enough to understand his strengths and weaknesses, and admits his flaws, he IS mature. Everyone has issues of some sort; some of us just have them worse than others. Issues like the ones he has are almost always caused by harsh treatment, neglect, or abuse in one's past.

Finally, these issues also have nothing to do with intellectual ability. I have bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder, and I have had major depressive disorder for seven years before it turned into bipolar. Guess what? I was valedictorian of almost 700 people in my high school graduating class. I was National Merit Finalist, AP Scholar, State Scholar, and I got a lot of other awards as well. I made the Dean's List at my university. I enjoy discussing all sorts of theories, philosophies, and ideas with other people; in fact, that is my favorite type of thing to discuss, and I can go on for hours if allowed. My point is not to say how smart I am; God's abilities infinitely exceed my own anyway. My point is to say that I have severe emotional problems and still do very well academically. So, do not think that intellectual ability and emotional health are necessarily correlated. If your boyfriend is not intellectually stimulating enough for you, that is a whole different venue, and I would say that it possibly does warrant a breakup. But, do not decide he isn't smart enough for you based purely on his issues.

I pray that it works out for you.

God bless
Kayli

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Life is too short to endure a relationship.

 

[Leanna]

I think you should break up with him if that's what you want to do, and it sounds like you do want to break up with him. You should do what you want because you don't HAVE to stick it out, you are young and can enjoy some time alone or meeting other people.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Ah yes, part of it also is dependent upon whether or not you are ready for a relationship. I suppose I was assuming that you were like myself at 17 and were ready, as well as wanted it as much as I did

Note: If you do end up deciding it is best to break things off, please do it gently and please do it in a way that does not leave him feeling like he is not good enough for you. "I don't think our personalities are compatible for a romantic relationship" is sufficient. Explaining things in more detail is good too, but I would say it in a way that emphasizes your weaknesses and/or differences between him and you, not his flaws. "I think I am not naturally sensitive enough to meet your needs," might be a good example of this.

 

[f U z ! o N]

is it bad that he is the center of your universe? it's his own fault for making you the absolute center of his life which God should be the center.

 

[Dragonfly226]

OK, I really didn't do a very good job explaining the situation. I'm not saying that his insecurities or anything make him a little kid, but the fact is that his parents have kept him very protected and I've experienced so much more than he has. I have dealt with abuse and depression and cutting and what not and he just has no idea. When I get down he tries to help but just makes things worse. I love him, and I don't think that I'll do anything more than just ask him to take a break. I'll use a break to explore, to think, 'cuz a part of me know that I need a guy that I can sit down and have serious conversations and debates with out him repeating his mother's foolishness to me, and I know that he will eventually grow up and become his own person, its just the waiting for that time that is hard.

 

[Katty]

I did that before sweetie... tried to wait it out to see if the guy would grow up and I kept making myself think that he would somehow change. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to let them go and have them grow apart from you.

The guy I was with had a lot of growing up to do and so did I. We had an awesome time together but there were a lot of things that I had wished were different even when we were together and though I knew that the things that I had with him weren't what I wanted/needed exactly, I kept hanging around and "sticking it out" to see if things would change. Pretty soon, I started making excuses for him to myself and soon enough, we/I found ourselves/myself in a relationship that we/I didn't want to be in. The worst part was that he slowly became someone I wanted to continue to stay with so I could change him. We girls do that sometimes... we "stick it out" and hang around because we keep thinking that if we do so for so long, the guy will change and he'll become what we want and what we need, but truth is, more often than not, it doesn't happen.

You're young and Mr. Cheese is right... life is too short to "endure" a relationship. Find yourself and when you do, all the heartbreaks and everything else that goes along with "growing up" (ugh, its those dreaded words ) will totally be worth it

You're an intelligent young lady and no matter what, in the end "Essentially, you're the driver."

I wish you the best.

~Katty

 

[invisiblebabe]

OK, I really didn't do a very good job explaining the situation. I'm not saying that his insecurities or anything make him a little kid, but the fact is that his parents have kept him very protected and I've experienced so much more than he has. I have dealt with abuse and depression and cutting and what not and he just has no idea. When I get down he tries to help but just makes things worse. I love him, and I don't think that I'll do anything more than just ask him to take a break. I'll use a break to explore, to think, 'cuz a part of me know that I need a guy that I can sit down and have serious conversations and debates with out him repeating his mother's foolishness to me, and I know that he will eventually grow up and become his own person, its just the waiting for that time that is hard.

Knowing this, it sounds like he is not at all suited for you.

 

[loved]

Pray for him to focus on God more.

 

[koban4max]

I'm going to say this, and to those of you who read this and know me and/or my b/f please don't relay this to him or to any of his friends 'cuz that could be detrimental for me.

I've been seriously wondering if I should break up with my b/f lately. Why? Because I am the center of his universe, and I don't like it. He is really insecure and everytime I tell him that I have something to talk to him about he thinks that I'm going to dump him. I've confronted him about these things, but he hasn't changed. I still love him, but at the same time it annoys me how he is still such a little kid. I feel like I need someone who is more mature and, this sounds mean, but someone who is my intelectual and emotional equal. Is this dissatisfaction on my part telling me that I need to move on, or do I stick it out? I just don't know what to do.

Have a time out with him...seriously.

 

[Dragonfly226]

OK, I dealt with it. We talked on the phone last night for, like, 5 hours and I pretty much told him where I am and we decided to back up and work on strengthening our friendship, just not spending time together, taking away a lot of the physical aspects of our relationship, and (when we are done with our own person things) we are going to start doing Bible studies together, which we've been planning on but we are both doing our own personal ones right now and I'm not the greatest at multitasking on things like that. I pretty much told him also that he is extremely naive and childish, and I told him that he needs to talk to his parents about letting him grow up. I know that he won't ever be able to understand my depression and whatnot, but the only people who really understand are those who have gone through it and, well, one struggling person is enough in a relationship. I also told him that I am bothered that he is so unsatisfied with his job. I told him that, quite honestly, if we do end up having a future and getting married and what not, if we had kids I'd like to be a stay at home mom, but if his actions regarding his job now are what I am going by, well, that stability just wouldn't be there. So, what is going to happen, I don't know. I know that I've told him what I needed to, everything that has been weighing on my shoulders, so I've passed the ball to him, now I just have to see what he does with it.

 

[Inperfected]

Well... that's a mature way of handling it... However i would like to know how long you've been together.