Is it ok to NOT grieve the death of a close relative (relatively speaking)?

[Aldebaran]

I have a question about relationships with people that we would normally be close to, but aren’t. I’ll use myself as an example since I have a situation exactly like that.

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 9 years old and then I lived with my Mom and brother until I was 11, and then my Mom sent me to live with my Dad at that time. That put 600 miles of distance between us, although I certainly was not close with my Mom or brother in a relationship sense to begin with. After I started living with my Dad, I never really had a desire to maintain contact with my Mom or brother. What little closeness I may have felt toward them only dwindled with time. As I got older, I think we grew apart even more. That’s normal, right? People grow apart when they go through life away from people they used to know, especially if they didn’t have a close relationship in the first place. Sometimes it happens to people who were close as well. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, even when it’s family.

Fast forward 13 years. I was 24 years old and my Mom and brother started calling on the phone, wanting me to take a Greyhound bus on a trip to visit them. Finally I agreed, but not because I wanted to go, although I thought some good might come of it. In reality, I preferred not to go. But I went anyway. It didn’t turn out very well. They seemed to think we were so close for some reason, and got mad at me when I couldn’t return the sentiment without faking it. My Mom kept talking trash about my Dad and things he did that she didn’t like while they were married. I was getting tired of hearing it. Arguments ensued and then negative feelings from the past were brought up to throw at each other. It was a relief to go back home again. Since then, my brother and I have been emailing each other, but arguments have been had that way repeatedly because he still doesn’t understand that we’ve all grown apart and that I don’t share their feelings of us knowing each other as we really are. They always liked to dwell on the past—either positively or negatively depending on the subject. No matter how many times, and no matter how thoroughly I’ve explained to him that we have grown apart, he just never understood. He’s not very bright, which is evidenced in ways I won’t go into detail about here.

Fast forward another 20 years, which is right now. My Mom, who never wanted to listen to anyone’s advice about getting her weight under control and taking care of herself, died a few days ago due to clogged arteries around her heart, and then refusing the bypass surgery that would have saved her life. Of course, my brother has been having a rough time of it since he saw her almost every day and was close to her. In keeping with the past, he expects me to feel the same way about the situation as he does. Of course I’m sad that she passed away like she did, and I feel bad for my brother because he’s going to have to get used to her being gone after all this time. But how can I feel the same? Sure, she’s my mother. My brother uses that phrase all the time at me like it’s supposed to explain everything, but I’ve only seen her once in the past 32 years—and that once wasn’t very good at all. At the same time, I’ve only seen my brother twice in that same time period.

At this time, I don’t feel I’m grieving her loss. But somehow I feel like I’m supposed to be. But if I do, then I’d be either forcing it or faking it. How can one grieve for someone they have so little connection to other than as a blood relative? But does this way of thinking make me a hard-hearted person? I’d like to know what others think.

 

[ToBeLoved]

I think that as long as you are respectful and comforting to those who are grieving than you are doing the Lord's work. We all have different relationships with different people, I'm sure that people understand that. Also, the good listener is also sometimes the best conversationalist.

 

[1watchman]

That is the essence of this, I believe, as Loved stated. It is not about inner feelings, but showing due respect and being as helpful as one can being from a distance. As to your spiritual life, I do not know, but if you are now a true Child of God by faith and devotion to the Lord Jesus, then you can try to speak of the love of God to the survivors, and urge them to read the New Testament and find the Savior for their own peace. It doesn't sound like you need to feel guilty about anything, from what you have said.

 

[Todd Madruga]

Hi Aldebaran,

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, my friend. I also lost a parent, my father, back in August of 2007 of lung cancer. Him and I were never close and it always bothered me that I didn't cry when he passed away. Not even at the funeral. I felt like I should have. The thought crossed my mind that I wasn't outwardly emotional in regards to the loss of my father because I was slow to start the grieving process. But here I am, 8 years later and I still have not openly wept over him. It still bothers me, but, it is what it is. You cannot help how you feel.

The fact is you cannot grieve hard over someone you weren't close with. I loved my father. I know he loved me. But grief itself is a reflection of how strong your connection was with that individual. I just didn't have a strong connection with him. You said...

How can one grieve for someone they have so little connection to other than as a blood relative? But does this way of thinking make me a hard-hearted person? I’d like to know what others think.

Not at all. King David grieved over the illegitimate child of his adulterous affair with Bathsheba, but he did it in a way that confused his servants.

2 Samuel 12:15-23
15 And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.
16 David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth.
17 And the elders of his house arose, and went to him, to raise him up from the earth: but he would not, neither did he eat bread with them.
18 And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. And the servants of David feared to tell him that the child was dead: for they said, Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spake unto him, and he would not hearken unto our voice: how will he then vex himself, if we tell him that the child is dead?
19 But when David saw that his servants whispered, David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead.
20 Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he came to his own house; and when he required, they set bread before him, and he did eat.
21 Then said his servants unto him, What thing is this that thou hast done? thou didst fast and weep for the child, while it was alive; but when the child was dead, thou didst rise and eat bread.
22 And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?
23 But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
(KJV)

His grief was reversed. He grieved when the child was alive, and returned to normalcy after the child died. I mean what else could he do? What was done was done. We all grieve differently and we all have good reasons for doing so.

Even though I didn't underline it, that last part is my favorite wherein David says in verse 23, "...I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." We cannot bring our loved ones back. But the beauty of Christianity is that we can again see our loved ones as we meet them again upon our own death. But they will not return to us (at least not before the sounding of the seventh trumpet!).

Luke 20:38
38 For He is not a God of the dead, but of the living: for all live unto Him.
(KJV)

God doesn't reign over souls of the dead remaining in the ground. Their souls are in heaven, very much "...[a]live unto Him." God bless, my friend! In our Lord Jesus Christ's holy and powerful name!

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

I have a question about relationships with people that we would normally be close to, but aren’t. I’ll use myself as an example since I have a situation exactly like that.

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 9 years old and then I lived with my Mom and brother until I was 11, and then my Mom sent me to live with my Dad at that time. That put 600 miles of distance between us, although I certainly was not close with my Mom or brother in a relationship sense to begin with. After I started living with my Dad, I never really had a desire to maintain contact with my Mom or brother. What little closeness I may have felt toward them only dwindled with time. As I got older, I think we grew apart even more. That’s normal, right? People grow apart when they go through life away from people they used to know, especially if they didn’t have a close relationship in the first place. Sometimes it happens to people who were close as well. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, even when it’s family.

Fast forward 13 years. I was 24 years old and my Mom and brother started calling on the phone, wanting me to take a Greyhound bus on a trip to visit them. Finally I agreed, but not because I wanted to go, although I thought some good might come of it. In reality, I preferred not to go. But I went anyway. It didn’t turn out very well. They seemed to think we were so close for some reason, and got mad at me when I couldn’t return the sentiment without faking it. My Mom kept talking trash about my Dad and things he did that she didn’t like while they were married. I was getting tired of hearing it. Arguments ensued and then negative feelings from the past were brought up to throw at each other. It was a relief to go back home again. Since then, my brother and I have been emailing each other, but arguments have been had that way repeatedly because he still doesn’t understand that we’ve all grown apart and that I don’t share their feelings of us knowing each other as we really are. They always liked to dwell on the past—either positively or negatively depending on the subject. No matter how many times, and no matter how thoroughly I’ve explained to him that we have grown apart, he just never understood. He’s not very bright, which is evidenced in ways I won’t go into detail about here.

Fast forward another 20 years, which is right now. My Mom, who never wanted to listen to anyone’s advice about getting her weight under control and taking care of herself, died a few days ago due to clogged arteries around her heart, and then refusing the bypass surgery that would have saved her life. Of course, my brother has been having a rough time of it since he saw her almost every day and was close to her. In keeping with the past, he expects me to feel the same way about the situation as he does. Of course I’m sad that she passed away like she did, and I feel bad for my brother because he’s going to have to get used to her being gone after all this time. But how can I feel the same? Sure, she’s my mother. My brother uses that phrase all the time at me like it’s supposed to explain everything, but I’ve only seen her once in the past 32 years—and that once wasn’t very good at all. At the same time, I’ve only seen my brother twice in that same time period.

At this time, I don’t feel I’m grieving her loss. But somehow I feel like I’m supposed to be. But if I do, then I’d be either forcing it or faking it. How can one grieve for someone they have so little connection to other than as a blood relative? But does this way of thinking make me a hard-hearted person? I’d like to know what others think.

Dear Aldebaran,
I'm going to start of my telling how sorry I am for your loss.
When I say loss I actually refer mainly to the loss of your mother in the childhood.

As I read through your OP I cannot help to feel that you've already let go of your mother decades ago which is truly sad.

Regarding her recent death I think you'll just have to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to grieve in your own tempo.
Not feeling sorry now doesn't make you a bad person at all in fact I think it's kind of natural given the non existing relationship you two have had for over thirty years.

Let the prosess of grief develop ad it's natural for you.
I know it's kind of far fetched, but I have a non existing relationship with my Grandmother aswell and I won't share the feelings of my cousins when she's gone either.
Why?
Because to them she is a warm granny and to me she is nobody. (It doesn't feel good to write this ).
I don't love her and I don't hate her, I simply don't care.

Also keep in mind that some people even burst in laughter during their spouses funeral, I mean does that mean that they celebrate or enjoy seeing their hubby or wife dead?
No, it's simply a very strange way of mourning and grief that doesn't make sense to others or the individual themselves, but nevertheless their sorrow are authentic.

I hope you'll cope, God bless.

 

[Jaxxi]

I have a question about relationships with people that we would normally be close to, but aren’t. I’ll use myself as an example since I have a situation exactly like that.

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 9 years old and then I lived with my Mom and brother until I was 11, and then my Mom sent me to live with my Dad at that time. That put 600 miles of distance between us, although I certainly was not close with my Mom or brother in a relationship sense to begin with. After I started living with my Dad, I never really had a desire to maintain contact with my Mom or brother. What little closeness I may have felt toward them only dwindled with time. As I got older, I think we grew apart even more. That’s normal, right? People grow apart when they go through life away from people they used to know, especially if they didn’t have a close relationship in the first place. Sometimes it happens to people who were close as well. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, even when it’s family.

Fast forward 13 years. I was 24 years old and my Mom and brother started calling on the phone, wanting me to take a Greyhound bus on a trip to visit them. Finally I agreed, but not because I wanted to go, although I thought some good might come of it. In reality, I preferred not to go. But I went anyway. It didn’t turn out very well. They seemed to think we were so close for some reason, and got mad at me when I couldn’t return the sentiment without faking it. My Mom kept talking trash about my Dad and things he did that she didn’t like while they were married. I was getting tired of hearing it. Arguments ensued and then negative feelings from the past were brought up to throw at each other. It was a relief to go back home again. Since then, my brother and I have been emailing each other, but arguments have been had that way repeatedly because he still doesn’t understand that we’ve all grown apart and that I don’t share their feelings of us knowing each other as we really are. They always liked to dwell on the past—either positively or negatively depending on the subject. No matter how many times, and no matter how thoroughly I’ve explained to him that we have grown apart, he just never understood. He’s not very bright, which is evidenced in ways I won’t go into detail about here.

Fast forward another 20 years, which is right now. My Mom, who never wanted to listen to anyone’s advice about getting her weight under control and taking care of herself, died a few days ago due to clogged arteries around her heart, and then refusing the bypass surgery that would have saved her life. Of course, my brother has been having a rough time of it since he saw her almost every day and was close to her. In keeping with the past, he expects me to feel the same way about the situation as he does. Of course I’m sad that she passed away like she did, and I feel bad for my brother because he’s going to have to get used to her being gone after all this time. But how can I feel the same? Sure, she’s my mother. My brother uses that phrase all the time at me like it’s supposed to explain everything, but I’ve only seen her once in the past 32 years—and that once wasn’t very good at all. At the same time, I’ve only seen my brother twice in that same time period.

At this time, I don’t feel I’m grieving her loss. But somehow I feel like I’m supposed to be. But if I do, then I’d be either forcing it or faking it. How can one grieve for someone they have so little connection to other than as a blood relative? But does this way of thinking make me a hard-hearted person? I’d like to know what others think.

Grieving is not something you choose to do. Either you do or you dont and you can't help the way you feel...or don't feel.

 

[Aldebaran]

Hi Aldebaran,

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, my friend. I also lost a parent, my father, back in August of 2007 of lung cancer. Him and I were never close and it always bothered me that I didn't cry when he passed away. Not even at the funeral. I felt like I should have. The thought crossed my mind that I wasn't outwardly emotional in regards to the loss of my father because I was slow to start the grieving process. But here I am, 8 years later and I still have not openly wept over him. It still bothers me, but, it is what it is. You cannot help how you feel.

The fact is you cannot grieve hard over someone you weren't close with. I loved my father. I know he loved me. But grief itself is a reflection of how strong your connection was with that individual. I just didn't have a strong connection with him. You said...

Thank you, Todd! I'm sorry it's been a few days before replying. I've had the stomach flu.

It sounds like you understand perfectly what I'm going through. In addition to my Mom, it didn't bother me too much either when my paternal grandmother died. That was 11 years ago. I went with my Dad to see her at the nursing home but she was unconscious at the time. She died shortly after and we went to the wake and funeral. I didn't have any real connection with her at all. She was always openly hostile toward me while at the same time was considerate of my cousins right in front of me. I don't know what her problem was with me. It sure was strange being at her funeral and hearing from so many people about how warm and loving of a person she was. It made me wonder if I was blind to it or something.

 

[Aldebaran]

Dear Aldebaran,
I'm going to start of my telling how sorry I am for your loss.
When I say loss I actually refer mainly to the loss of your mother in the childhood.

As I read through your OP I cannot help to feel that you've already let go of your mother decades ago which is truly sad.

I guess that would be accurate.

Regarding her recent death I think you'll just have to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to grieve in your own tempo.
Not feeling sorry now doesn't make you a bad person at all in fact I think it's kind of natural given the non existing relationship you two have had for over thirty years.

Let the prosess of grief develop ad it's natural for you.
I know it's kind of far fetched, but I have a non existing relationship with my Grandmother aswell and I won't share the feelings of my cousins when she's gone either.
Why?
Because to them she is a warm granny and to me she is nobody. (It doesn't feel good to write this ).
I don't love her and I don't hate her, I simply don't care.

Boy, I hear you there! See my previous post above. You sound just like me!