Is he just being a guy?

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

I am going to tell you all about a couple of things that have been on my mind lately. These things regard my boyfriend's behavior in about the last 2 or 3 months.

He and I have been together a year and a half, as many of you know, and we're in love. Joe and I have been telling each other "I love you" for a long time now. It at first was he who said it the most, then me, and then it kinda evened out for awhile. The thing is, it has been 3 to 4 weeks since I have heard "I love you" from him, without me saying it first. We generally say it every time we part after a date, and after perhaps 60 percent of our phone conversations. Of course there are other times (or used to be) when we were just together that it would be said, but those are the more significant times.

Also, in the last 2 or 3 months I have noticed that he touches me a lot less. It used to be at the movies or walking around the mall, that he'd hold my hand or have his arm around my shoulders. Now? It's kind-of a rare treat, if I don't initiate it first. We still have a goodnight hug and kiss, and at those times he's very sweet and affectionate, but other times not too much.

I did talk to him this past Sunday about missing how he used to INITIATE the touching a lot more than he does now. I confessed how sometimes I really dislike being the one to have to ask him to put his arm around me or reach for his hand. He told me he would work on it, but honestly tonight when we were together, at the drive-in movies, I didn't see it. He sat just about the whole time to himself, leaning against his truck door, his arms folded across his middle. When he sits like that (so still, with his arms folded), it affects me in a weird way...like he's closing himself off to me. He eventually did hold my hand for a little bit, and tickled my elbow. And I did reach for his hand one time during a suspenseful part of the movie.

It's just that I am wondering if something is going on with him. Is it just that he's so comfortable with me, or is he taking me for granted, or is it perhaps linked to his emotions...I have told him in the past how these things convey love to me. Don't just tell me to talk to him. Tell me what you guys think. Is he just being a guy? Or is it something negative?

Thanks!
Lynz

 

[Eyes2wardsHeaven]

Ive had this happen to me before alot. I found out that the guy I was dating needed space and once you have been going out for along time men decide to lack in sharing how they feel. Their theory(so I have been told) is that they have already told us that they love us and we should already know. I know this is totally different from what us females believe. What worked for me was just ignoring is lack of enthusium, and stop being clinging when he wasnt giving me the little attentions. After awhile he came around. I cant speak for everybody because every situation and guy is different. I hope everything works out. I know what it feels like and it sucks.

 

[Sploge]

Well i tell you... i will/have been doign that a lil bit to my Gf recently. but i mean i have a broken leg and al just happened but before that i mean. there we woudl be and it was kinda "DISTANT" as how you have described it. but for me. it is an Emotional thing. i kind of figure that if i hold her hand everytime we meet and then i hug her and i pu tmy arms aroudn her and things such as this... the R/S might go down a track of where we dont want to be... IE: if we get "Bored" of just hol;ding hands and arms around each other it may and could end up with goign other places... and i do NOT want this to happen because it is these kinds of things that can KILL relationship's... you see. it is all emotional for me. because i have known Amy for 3 years commign on 4. and for that three years gap we have been out THREE separate times and well yeah. this time GOD bought us together and there is No ddenying it...when we have a problem we confront each other and things such as this...

i have said what i have wanted to say. your answer shoudl be... EMOTIONAL. he is not usign you or takign you for granted he wishes to cherrish you and hold you close but he is choosing not to ATM. there could eb things goign on in his life and stuff liek that... i hope i have helpped. let us know how it works out for you though!!!

Love Simon!!!

 

[f U z ! o N]

well maybe he is has something on my mind. still, that is no excuse to not show affection. i don't care how comfortable i become with my girlfriend, she will still get shown attention and touch. and as far as becoming bored with touching, i think thats stupid. if you love them, how can you become bored touching them? i love holding my girlfriends hand. it makes me feel very special. have i ever become bored with it? no. try to talk to him and see what's going on. maybe it is a guy thing, i wouldn't know, im not the typical guy.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

the only way u can fix this is to talk to him about it. i know u already told him how u feel once but ask him why he's being like this. i don't understand why he would stop showing affection like that if he used to do it in the beginning. my boyfriend and i have been together a year and nine months and still show affection. just tell him how u feel about all of it.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Yeah, I know where you're coming from. It sucks. I've felt that way sometimes to. You really do need to talk to him. If he doesn't respond the first time, talk about it again. He'll eventually get the hang of it.

 

[Johnnz]

You will need to talk. Maybe he doesn't want to get too sexual. Maybe he is not demonstrative - if so, is that someone you want to be with. Look on the marriage thread, and you will see hurt partners where the other is seldom loving. Maybe he has a past that needs talking through with someone.

I suggest to explore thes eoptions, an dproceed carfeully before becoming too involved with him.

John
NZ

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

Thanks for you all giving your thoughts on the situation and similar things you've gone through. However, many of you seem to be focusing on the physical touch part...how about his refraining of saying "I love you"...does that go along with what someone said about how males might say that since they've demonstrated/said it in the past, we should know it now and be happy? Because, I'm wondering, don't they need to hear it too? I'm still learning about men (and always will be I guess) and how they're wired differently from females. Sometimes it seems like WAY too differently. Anyways...I also wondered, with the touching, perhaps he's become very aware of how his body responds to touch, and he's NOT touching me as much anymore because of that. Just a speculation...and yes, I KNOW I'd have to ask him to be sure. What do ya'll think, especially the guys?

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

the only way u can fix this is to talk to him about it. i know u already told him how u feel once but ask him why he's being like this. i don't understand why he would stop showing affection like that if he used to do it in the beginning. my boyfriend and i have been together a year and nine months and still show affection. just tell him how u feel about all of it.

I don't mean to sound negative, but you know what his answer will probably be if I ask him why he's being like that? "I don't know." Or, "I'll think about it." And if I don't bring it up again, he won't either. It's just like...I feel like I'm the one who's finding things to improve in the relationship...and he just goes along like everything is great to him. Maybe it is. The other night I told him how my best friend had made the comment that she could see that he and I were lacking in communicating about really important things...things between us. I told him I could see why she thought that. He said, "Hmmm...I don't know...I'll have to think about that." As you might can see, he tends to be indeciscive and vague about certain things, as do I, but for me it's about where to eat, and for him, it's about us(and where to eat or if we'll go to the mall or a movie) usually. Frustrating...

 

[Johnnz]

Often, we repeat family patterns. Was his family openly affectioniate, emotionally expressive? Or, is he just like his dad?

Yes, saying "I love you" is important, and can be seperated from physical affections, but you won't be really satisfied unless they come together.

John
NZ

 

[Leanna]

Its not a guy thing....

It may be something along the lines of, "It's just that I am wondering if something is going on with him. Is it just that he's so comfortable with me, or is he taking me for granted, or is it perhaps linked to his emotions..." I think of there being different phases in relationships. In phase 1, you get this rushing of emotion, you're "in love!!" and you realize all of your similarities. Phase 2, the emotions calm down and you begin to notice all of your differences. Phase 3, you compare the two and decide whether or not to stay together..... if you stay together then you reconcile the first two phases. Sooo.... it kinda sounds like you got past the first phase and to the second and possibly he doesn't know what to do with that. Some people are not aware that the rush of emotions calms down after time and he may think something is wrong. It is possible he noticed differences he doesn't like. Then there is "The Five Love Languages" factor..... have you read it? You should if not! And then there is the least favorite reason why..... is it possible he has met someone else??

 

[septemberskies]

I'm going to also say it's not a guy thing...what Leanna said is right.

The only thing you can do is ask him what is going on. Maybe he's going through some troublesome times and doesn't know what to do. Maybe he has met someone else. Maybe all of the physical affection and lubby-dubbyness is getting to him (arousing to him). Maybe he's confused about the relationship.

There are lots of reasons for this withdrawal from the emotional connection but you got to ask so you can begin to understand and work things out.

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

These last few replies have been very interesting.

To John- even though he and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half, he has always spent more time at my house, around my family, than I have at his house and with his family. Perhaps I should start doing that more so that I can better understand the affectionate and emotional things that go on with them. He is somewhat like his dad- they both enjoy naps, movies, gospel music, joking around/pranks a whole lot, just to name a few. His dad seems like a "touchy" person too- he hugs Joe sometimes, hugs his wife, things like that, when I'm around, and he also usually hugs me or gives me a funny handshake, might act like he "accidentally" stepped on my foot or something.

To Leana- I understand totally what you're saying. I am past stage 1. Maybe I'm in stage 2, too, but also partly in stage 3. This is because I'm noticing the differences between us, deciding what matters, what doesn't, what can be worked on, and therefore, if we'll be together for the long run. About the book, yes, I've read it. It was so thought-provoking. I mentioned it to him after I'd read it, and he seemed puzzled that I thought there might be things to work on in our relationship. I explained that I thought each of us could do a better job of showing love to one another in their love language. He took the quiz...his love language is Physical Touch (is that surprising? considering his lack of touch with me...). So then I asked if he'd like to read it, or would he rather I typed up a summary of each chapter or something. He said he'd do better with the latter. I went to the website and instead found the study guide thing, printed it out, and gave it to him, since it was a fair summary of the book. That was probably 2 months ago, and he hasn't said yet if he read it or not, or what he thought of it. About meeting someone else...nah. He's home every night and spends the weekends with me, class and work in the daytime. Unless they just saw each other at school and talked on the phone, I don't see anything like that possible. To me, unless he didn't realize what he was getting into, he wouldn't do that.

To September...I still say met someone else is a negative. Possible on the stuff getting to him and confused about relationship. About things troubling him, very possible too. He has a lot of weight on his shoulders, I know, with school, work (family business), pressures of parents and not getting enough alone time. Then his dog had puppies last week, and 3 were born dead or died right away, and another died Friday morning. He took the last one's death not so well, I could tell. He will also be graduating from community college (where I go too) in the spring.

This could put a new spin on things for you guys, because this means that next fall, he will be going away to college for approx. another 4-5 years (architecture), 2 hours from home. It will be a huge change for him, and he doesn't always handle change so well. I know he is already nervous in a what-will-I-do, how-will-things-be, sort of way. He's nervous about leaving the comforts of home, his church, his friends, and me, even if I plan to transfer to another university about 45 minutes from his. Back in February, he confessed to me that he wondered if it would work, because it would be so different and we probably wouldn't be able to see or talk to each other a lot sometimes. I told I believed that it could work if BOTH of us made the effort and wanted it too. We haven't really talked about it since then, because I don't welcome the thought of him leaving (well that's why I haven't brought it up). Plus I've been preoccupied with him not holding my hand or something like that.... (sorry so long. sometimes i over-explain myself. maybe something he dislikes that i need to work on...hmmm)

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

Just tryin to get this back up to the top! Please communicate with me guys, you've already been doing a good job of being helpful!

 

[Leanna]

Maybe he isn't as committed to this relationship as you are and so he is backing off.... you sound ready to marry, he is making the "maybe it won't work long distance" comments.....

In my experience like 95% of guys are "physical affection" but that doesn't necessarily mean they're cuddly.... that will be expressed in the sexual side later.

 

[f U z ! o N]

Maybe he isn't as committed to this relationship as you are and so he is backing off.... you sound ready to marry, he is making the "maybe it won't work long distance" comments.....

In my experience like 95% of guys are "physical affection" but that doesn't necessarily mean they're cuddly.... that will be expressed in the sexual side later.

hey now im cuddly!

 

[Leanna]

Notice I said necessarily....

 

[f U z ! o N]

hehe i know just trying to add some nonsense post to the thread

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

Leana, I almost consider that a compliment that you said it sounds like I'm ready to marry. I am not ready to marry today, won't be for awhile, but I know what you mean. I was just talking with a (guy) friend yesterday to get his perspective on all of this. He said it sounds like Joe is not being the leader in the relationship. He actually said it sounds like I could be settling for second-best, and he asked if I'm not totally satisfied, why do I stay? I told him it's because I don't think it's time to give up. Sure there are many things we need to work on together and separately, but I see so much potential with us. And Joe...well, I love him so much.

Anyway, about the physical touch...I understand the sexual part later on, but I thought him choosing the options about hugs, hand holding, and cuddling must mean something too, for now.

About the committment and him going off to college...a few months ago, I wondered if he was already preparing himself somehow, distancing himself a little bit from me at a time, so it may make the parting "easier." And 3 months ago, I brought up where our relationship could really be going. Basically I told him that I consider him a blessing from God, for one thing. I also told him that I could see us, in several years, married. Not the immediate future or anything, and after college of course. He said it was "fuzzy" for him. So, 3 months ago, that was where he was...fuzzy. I told him I'd wait until if and when he felt more serious. We talked about that, that I was the more serious one. My mama can tell I am, my best friend, and my grandma. My grandma especially acts like it's a negative thing that I am. Maybe it is. She's afraid he'll hurt me, I know. I don't want her to be right.

But like I said, I'm not ready to give up. And that's all I have to say right now...(gotta go to bed!)

 

[Johnnz]

Maybe maintaining good friendships and relationships with other guys would be good idea. Sometimes we can 'lock into' one relationship without too much expereince of the other sex and deprive us of other enriching friendships and valuable points of reference.

I have always taught that younger people should focus on good friendships and personal development long before dating is an issue. Informed choice and a chance to develop really stable, insightful values both take time.

John
NZ