Is he interested or bored?

[kim8915]

I need your honest opinion. I met this guy about 10 years ago. He approached me first and we talked for about 3 weeks. He was about 5 years older than me. Well, after about 3 weeks, he told me he didn't like me and that he just wanted to be friends, He said I was immature (well, I was!). Anyway, he continued to call me, I asked him to stop, so he did. Well, throughout the years, he would come by to say hello and call from time to time. He always inquired about me with mutual firends.

This has been going on for 10 years. If he didn't like me originally, why does he continue to call and come by. Of course, I give him the cold shoulder and show my disinterest, this stems from my ego being deflated 10 years ago. Well, he called again earlier this year (like clockwork) asking if I were married yet and why not (of course he knows I'm not married, we have mutual friends). Every time he calls or comes by, he gives me his number, tells me to call. Most of the times I didn't , but in recent years, I did. Well, he doesn't call me back, or we'll tlak once and I wait for him to pledge his love for me which he doesn't. Anyway, I have thought about him latley. I have been praying for a mate for about 5 years, it seems as though he comes around a few days or weeks after I have sought the Lord earnestly. I was speaking to my friend who told me that God will continue to bring "the person" around if you missed him. SO, I got to thinking one night, is it "Him"----the guy who plays cat and mouse and told me 10 tears ago he wasn't interested.

I moved an hour away this summer (of course he knew I moved from the mutual friends). I erased his number before I moved because our last conversation didn't produce any "fruit". I was laying in bed until 1:10 AM thinking about this guy. I frantially searced for his number through my old cell phone bills---it wasn't there---I hadn't called him from my cell phone. So, I did an internet search---no luck. I decided I would send a message through a mutual friend, but I was hesitant. I wanted to speak to him directly. So, I went ont doing housework. about 2 days went by and I decided that I may have to go to his house. Well, I decided to clean my place. I emptied a bag that was filled with clothes from my moving. There was nothing in this bag but clothes. I gathered them up and noticed a yellow paper on the ground. I was going to throw it away and then I decided it may be a bible verse or a prayer request, so I openened it-----IT WAS HIS NUMBER AND PRAYER REQUESTS! Immediatley, I figured THIS MUST BE GOD. So, I prayed that he wouldn't answer the phone when I called, so I could leave a message and give him a chance to call. I left the message and he called the next day. He said he was shocked that I called and that he thought I had lost his number. He wanted to know when he could see me and told me he wanted to come and take me out to dinner-----he hadn't talked to me like this in 10 years. He wanted to know when I would be on vacation for Christmas--I told him. He said to call him anytime and I told him the same----that was 2 weeks ago! I haven't hard form him and I don't want to call. He is so used to women chasing him. I was the first woman he has ever approached (from what my friends have told me ). Women have always pursued him.

WHat I want to know is---Do you this this is from God?
Is this man interested in me? If he is, why is he wasting so much time, we are in our 30's now. If he isn't, why does he continue to contact me?

 

[SuperTech]

And I thought flirting off and on with my female co-worker friend for the past 8 months was a long time for playing games! 10 years? Wow. He told you in the beginning he didn't like you, but he continued to call you. So I think that shows that "his contact != his interest" in you.

I too have prayed to God about guidance with my own "friend" situation. I feel that if it is meant to be God will make it happen and I don't have to force anything. It's very hard to judge whether this is God's providence or you inventing this "inspiration". However, if you are lying in bed until 1 AM thinking about him you will see everything through "rose colored glasses".

You need to ask him straight out what his intentions are. You won't be happy until you get that out of your system. Then you can either start a relationship with him (which seems is what you really want) or move on to someone else.

10 years of game playing? If this was happening to me I think I would go insane by now! How could this go on for 10 years? You remind me of Tom Hanks in Cast Away! Wow. You need closure and really fast!

 

[carmi]

WHat I want to know is---Do you this this is from God?
Is this man interested in me? If he is, why is he wasting so much time, we are in our 30's now. If he isn't, why does he continue to contact me?

One thing I would like to know - and it does not matter whether you answer with "yes" or "no". Either way it could be still from God. What I would like to know is: is this man a believer? What is his relationship with God? Could you tell us?

 

[Princess Pea]

A few thoughts -

I'd be really careful about taking the finding of the phone number, and even the answering machine, as a sign from God that you're meant for each other. The trouble with putting too much stock in those kind of signs is that you start overlooking the way things are actually going. You might even start justifying things that are going badly, on the basis of this belief that in the end you're going to end up together. I mean, he's basically been jerking you around for ten years, and even now hasn't followed through on his most recent dinner invitation - those are signs too! Don't discount them because of the well-timed discovery of a scrap of paper. I speak from experience here, unfortunately.

I've also noticed that men really do call and pursue women in whom they have an interest, especially when they're getting positive feedback. I suppose him asking you repeatedly to call him might be seen as a form of pursuit, but I think it's just plain rude that he hasn't followed through after two weeks.

As to why he keeps contacting you and then backing away - who knows? Maybe it strokes his ego or something. Maybe there's security in knowing there's a willing woman available for him to date if the inspiration should ever strike. Or maybe he recognizes you as a good woman and really wishes he liked you in that way and is trying to work up an interest - but is finding this sort of thing can't be manufactured. (Speaking from experience again! )

So - is this from God? I believe everything that comes into our life is from God, or at least allowed by Him. But He wants us to use His guidelines and the common sense he gave us in deciding what to do about it. In your shoes, I think I'd conclude that this guy who had been playing with my heart for ten years was also not very good at keeping his word, and this wasn't God's best for me. If he called me, I'd take the suggestion of a previous poster and ask flat out what's going on. But I wouldn't make any more efforts to contact him. God's putting this man and this experience into your life, but that doesn't mean you are meant to be together. It may just mean He has things to teach you that you can only learn through this experience with this particular man.

I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh and unforgiving - I would have probably given a different answer ten years ago, but experience builds recognition!

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Hello, Kim! I understand your confusion. Let me briefly share my story of the man who kept popping in and out of my life. Now, I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine, but it just goes to show you how sometimes what we want can lead us to "overspiritualize" finding a spouse by thinking everything is a "sign".

When I was seven years old when I met Jonathon. We grew up together, played together, went to school together, you know the childhood stuff. When I was thirteen he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. I was in seventh grade, he was a freshman. Ooooh a high school boy! I was so giddy as I walked the halls of my junior high school wearing his letterman jacket. It lasted six months before he dumped me...via written note! He stuck a note to my front door breaking up with me to date a girl in the marching band. I was crushed! He was my first "boyfriend" and I swore I'd never get over him. Well, I didn't until about three months ago. You do the math...ten years! Well, Jonathon breezed in and out of my life. He'd come see me, hug me, and tell me he missed me but he never really fully came back into my life.

As we grew up we both got married to different people, both got divorced, he was in the NAVY, he came to see me every time he was on leave. After my divorce I moved back in with my parents and of course, his parents still live up the street so he'd see me and we'd embrace and talk about the good 'ol days. When he came back the next time (nine months after my divorce) I was engaged. Three months later, he was married. Five months after that, his mother told me her first grandchild had been born. I conceded. Jonathon liked dangling me at the end of some invisible fishing line. I took the bait, but he never reeled me in. Not until this past July.

July 4th he comes back into my life and a whirlwind courtship began. I let my mind become clouded with fantasies of him being "the one". I mean, after all, why would two of his marriages fail before coming back to me if it wasn't a sign?! Three words:

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Yep, Jonathon's two marriages failed because he had BPD, rage issues, and was abusive. Of course, I was still convinced our chance reunion was a sign from God that we were meant to be, so I stupidly gave everything to him - my mind, my soul, my heart, and unfortunately, my body. He promised to marry me. We even looked at houses. I was so happy I knew it must have been of God. One month later, he vanished. Five days after his disappearance, he dumped me again. Three days later, he comes crawling back begging for another chance. Four days later, he dumps me for the third time in my life and I decided maybe we weren't meant to be after all. I was merely a conquest. He'd waited ten years to find out what it would be like to "get in my pants" and I blindly thought it was a sign that we were meant to be. I allowed myself to be cheated and in all honesty, I had pinned so much hope on that relationship being of God, when he left me it almost destroyed me.

To make what could be an entire novel about this subject short, don't read too much into signs. Finding a spouse is a scary prospect and we want God to remove all of the discomfort and risk from it to make it easy on us. If we can't trust Him, how can we serve Him fully and experience the fullness of joy in our relationship with Jesus Christ? Be in prayer about this. Make sure you are able to separate romantic whimsy and God's will. Be sure you see this man as a brother in Christ before placing imaginary ownership over him in your heart. Don't think about how romantic your marriage would be, rather could you serve this man as your spiritual leader? Best of luck with whichever direction God leads you in.

 

[kim8915]

Yes he is a believer. In fact, whenever he contatcts me, he is telling me about some milestone in his life that God has brought him through. He asks for prayer and tells me he'll pray for me. He asks about my "walk" with the Lord.

 

[kim8915]

Thank you guys so much for your replies. I think the "holiday loneliness" has gotten to me. I haven't dated much in the past years and want so badly to be married. I fast and pray and pray more and more and have tremendous faith and then doubts. I'm getting older and at times wonder when and "if" this marriage thing will ever happen. It is so difficult to see others being blessed around me (married) and see another year go by without it happening to me. There is someone I am friends with who I know isn't the one, he drinks, and hangs out. But, he's nice. He calls me and can't understand why I won't sleep with him----I don't know why he still hangs around after 1 1/2 years. But, we're good friends. Yet, I'm still looking to the hills for my help to come. I'm told that I am exceptionally good looking, smart, kind and I sometimes ask God why did he waste this all on me, not to be cherished by a Godly man----its a waste of space. What is the hold up??? I've kept His commands. This time last year I said that in Christmas 2004, I'll be with my spouse----it didn't happen. Please pray for me, this thing really gets me down some times! I've prayed about this for the past 5 years!!!! What are these other women doing to be blessed that I'm not?

 

[SuperTech]

I feel your pain! I've been a loner for most of my life and just this year I have this sense of loneliness. I don't know why or how it started. I've always been an independent person and boom one day I want to start dating. So I put my picture on one of those online dating sites and I get hits from either people that aren't my type or live so incredibly far from me it isn't funny. Talk about depressing! So hook up with someone at church you say? The church is filled with mostly elderly people! I'm not in any clubs or organizations or school anymore so it's hard to meet people.

That leaves work or bars. And I hate bars! All that smoke, $3 a drink (I only drink if I'm socializing which again is like every 4 months!) and the people that socialize in such places are usually, well..... not usually "high quality".

The funny thing is that I'm above average looking and I've been asked out by girls before! Of course, like an idiot, I've turned them down because I was in school and trying to focus on my studies and not women (although if there was a degree on studying women I would probably enroll ).

I too have been praying to God. But it's kind of one of those "[size=-1]'If Mohammad is unable to go to the mountain, then the mountain has to come to Mohammad" type of deals. Maybe instead of praying to God and hoping that He does all the work maybe I should try and socialize more in some way.

It's fun to give advice and not follow it. I love being a hypocrite.
[/size]

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Thank you guys so much for your replies. I think the "holiday loneliness" has gotten to me. I haven't dated much in the past years and want so badly to be married.

I understand your desires completely. I too hope beyond hope that God will put a man in my life who will be everything God wants for me. A man I will want to serve, a man who will lead me to grow spiritually. Since the end of August, I have been without a man in my life except Jesus Christ. Do I get lonely? Absolutely. I try not to get discouraged though. Oftentimes we, as single Christians, make an idol out of marriage. We don't mean to do it, but we oftentimes fall into this trap of thinking "if only I had a husband/wife I would be complete!". The problem with looking to human beings to complete us is that man will always let us down and we will go from person to person never being satisfied. Until we become content with Jesus Christ being the lover of our soul, we will never be satisfied with temporary love and affection. Turn it over to God completely. Say something along the lines of "God, I want you to write my love story. I believe you have someone in mind for me and I am completely trusting in your to place him in my life in your perfect timing. Let me use this blessed season of singleness to allow you to prepare me for my husband."

I fast and pray and pray more and more and have tremendous faith and then doubts. I'm getting older and at times wonder when and "if" this marriage thing will ever happen.

While I cannot speak for God, I am certain He instilled this desire in your heart for a reason and He will not fail you. So often we want God to tell us right away who, when, and where when it comes to finding our spouse. We want to know His plan all at once to alleviate the stress and doubt. We have to entrust Jesus Christ with all of it.

It is so difficult to see others being blessed around me (married) and see another year go by without it happening to me.

You are equally blessed in God's eyes. You are no more or less blessed or precious to God. Of course, our sinful human nature causes us to think we aren't as lucky as our married friends, but candidly ask one of your married girlfriends one day about the days in which she may wish she were single again. Married people have certain Biblical tasks and obligations which edify Christ and His people. Single people have certain Biblical tasks and obligations which are equally edifying. Don't squander your season of singleness fretting over finding a husband. Use this time wisely, as it appears you have done thus far. Continue on your course and then everything else will fall into place.

There is someone I am friends with who I know isn't the one, he drinks, and hangs out. But, he's nice. He calls me and can't understand why I won't sleep with him----I don't know why he still hangs around after 1 1/2 years. But, we're good friends.

It is always nice to friends.

Yet, I'm still looking to the hills for my help to come. I'm told that I am exceptionally good looking, smart, kind and I sometimes ask God why did he waste this all on me, not to be cherished by a Godly man----its a waste of space.

*HUGS* You are not a waste of space. Some day when the timing is just right, God will place a man in your life who will appreciate all of your outstanding, God-given beauty and talents. Don't let discontentment allow satan to deceive you into settling for a man who will only half-heartedly appreciate you.

What is the hold up??? I've kept His commands. This time last year I said that in Christmas 2004, I'll be with my spouse----it didn't happen.

Try not to beat yourself up and try not to set limitations in which you expect God to reveal His perfect plan for you. When we assume we're going to meet someone and the relationship is going to come along with pomp and gaiety and we just know God is going to work a miracle in such and such time, we get even more discouraged when it doesn't happen. God's will is not our own, and His ways are unknowable to us. In the meantime, we have to step aside and not let God be merely our backup plan. In other words, when we think to ourselves, "okay, this is my plan of action and God, if I need you I'll let you know". We have to completely place our trust in Him.

Please pray for me, this thing really gets me down some times! I've prayed about this for the past 5 years!!!!

I know your discouragement, sister and I will be praying that God will give you peace.

What are these other women doing to be blessed that I'm not?

They're not doing anything differently. Maybe some of them settled on the first guy who came along and now they're hurting in a marriage that was not of God's will. The others it just happened that God's timing was different for them. Don't think you're lacking somewhere and thus you're missing out on a blessing. Understand that singleness in and of itself is a tremendous blessing even though many times we feel it is a burden. Don't be downtrodden. Chin up and keep praying.

 

[carmi]

Yes he is a believer. In fact, whenever he contatcts me, he is telling me about some milestone in his life that God has brought him through. He asks for prayer and tells me he'll pray for me. He asks about my "walk" with the Lord.

Could it be that he is concerned whether or not your walk is equal? Before you get angry, I am not suggesting or hinting that you are not a believer or not a real one or just a lukewarm one ... but people do have different standards.

 

[Living4Him03]

I hate to use the phrase from that silly book that was on Oprah, but it's sometimes true, "He's just not that into you" hon. Sorry.

 

[Princess Pea]

I finally found contentment as a single only after I finally made peace with the possibility of being single for a lifetime. "This is a time of preparation for marriage" - I've been an independent single adult for 13+ years, for Pete's sakes. How much more prepared can I possibly be? "God has someone special for you and will reveal him to you in His own perfect time" was comforting at 20, when I was watching all my friends get married, but it rings a bit hollow at 35. I don't believe it any more. I'd like to believe it, and I still hope it's true. But I can't base all my hope and contentment on an empty promise God never made in the first place.

Contentment came after I realized that there are no guarantees for anything in life. I may get married, or I may not. If I do, I may be married for 50+ years, or I may lose my husband in a car accident before our first anniversary. We may or may not be able to have children, and they may or may not be healthy. If they live to adulthood, they may make us proud or they may break our hearts. God doesn't make any guarantees about the specific details of our lives. He does, however, promise to lead, and guide, and forgive, and to be with us always, through all circumstances of our lives. And he wants us to be content in all circumstances. That's hard to do. I still struggle with it from time to time, but I've learned that contentment is a choice.

The fact is that this is the life God has given me. He wants me to serve Him in the circumstances I'm in now. This single life is not what I would have chosen, but it's packed with blessings, even if a husband isn't one of them. Family, friends, health, an amazing church, a job I really like, lots of interesting things to do and learn ... this isn't a dress rehearsal, this is opening night!

Calling this part of my life a "season of singleness" with the assumption that it's a time of preparation for marriage puts entirely the wrong perspective on it. My whole life on earth is preparation, and the ultimate goal is not marriage but the moment when I hope to hear God say "Well done, good and faithful servant."

 

[kim8915]

Thank you. I read today in Lamentations that God does not willingly bring afflictaion on His children. So, today, I believe this is not from God that I am still single. Maybe He has continuosly answered my prayers, but I didn't see the forest for the trees. I had been praying all week that God would give me a date right after Christmas. Yesterday a good friend of mine told me that my standards are too high and that I am looking for someone that doesn't exist. Well, last night someone asked me out for this weekend, I declined. Last night I felt the H.S. convict me--I asked for a date. It didn't happen the way I thought it would and from someoen that I normally wouldn't be attracted to but, I didn't see it as an answer to pray. I couldn't see the forrest. I'm reminded of a phrase in "Experiencing God", when God's people pray...He responds. We have to wait around for the answer, or everything that happens throughout our day will be seen as a distrcation. That man asking me out was a distraction, I didn't realize it was an answer to prayer. The H.S. has reminded me of many times I have done that throughout my adult life. SO many men have come through my life, I never got a chance to know themm because I felt they weren't ready. Maybe God wanted to do a work in their lives through me, but I didn't give it a chance. Boy I am sooooo silly!!!
Please pray for me!!