Is being shy rude?

[stan1980]

Ok, most of us, including myself, can say we are shy in one way or another.

But you know when you get these people, who you ask them a question and you get one word answers (complete conversation stoppers), they don't say thanks when you open a door for them, instead hurridly scuttle through the door, give you weak handshakes and so on... are these people rude?

Of course there is all sorts of different levels of shyness but what do we think of it here?

Should shy people learn to be better socially?

 

[Primordial Soup]

Well I think it would depend on the situation.

Not saying thanks for a courtesy I would consider
rude.

On the other hand giving one word answers is another
matter.

Did they get dragged into a conversation they didn't
want or initiate.

Maybe they aren't shy but like me poor conversationalists.

I am horrid a small talk and never really know what to say to someone I don't even know. My wife thinks it's funny because I must give off an aura of approachability because people try to start up conversation with me all the time.

And given they are either shy or bad at conversation why do they have to get better socially to bend to your attitudes

Some people don't mind being the way they are.

 

[wanderingone]

Rudeness depends in part on the intent of the individual who is perceived as rude as well as the perception of the individual who feels insulted by someone's behavior. I think shy people can be viewed as being rude and the response to that perception can often make a shy person even more socially inept.

I do believe that people with crippling shyness need to learn the basics of social skills, however to me people who are shy to the point of not being able to say "thank you" often are clearly not being rude.

Despite my clearly opinionated self I have often been shy. It was worse in the past.. untreated clinical depression does cause havoc on one's social skills. For years I rarely said hello to people as I arrived at work- I'd say hello if they weren't involved in some task, or not already in a conversation with soemone. But I didn't feel it polite to interrupt them to say "hi" one night in a fit a coworker informed me that I thought something of mine didn't stink because I didn't even say hello when arrived for my night shift.

That was pretty surprising-- and taught me a heck of a lot about people's perceptions. I didn't care to interrupt and call attention to myself, and in my opinion I was being polite... but in the opinion of others I was being rude.

 

[stan1980]

So is being too extroverted rude? And should they learn too keep their mouths shut once in a while.. too be honest i find it difficult to tolerate either extreme.

 

[Meshavrischika]

I think people need to re-examine what rude really is. Ill-mannered and discourteous is not what I percieve being shy as. Sure it (and extroversion) can be irritating, but there's no intent behind it to be contrary in any way. It just IS who someone is. That said, people should strive always to be better and not use things as an excuse in life... but it's not really rude. Just a shortcoming IMO.

 

[Beanieboy]

Ok, most of us, including myself, can say we are shy in one way or another.

But you know when you get these people, who you ask them a question and you get one word answers (complete conversation stoppers), they don't say thanks when you open a door for them, instead hurridly scuttle through the door, give you weak handshakes and so on... are these people rude?

Of course there is all sorts of different levels of shyness but what do we think of it here?

Should shy people learn to be better socially?

Shyness, to some degree, is learned, and to some degree is chemical imbalance. (There are psychiatric drugs to help people with social fear.)

We did an experiment in Psychology Class in high school. There were 6 people in each group. #1, 3, and 5 were told that they were going to get A's for the project, while everyone else got C's, to see the effects of prejudice.
In truth, the 1's were to be agreed with. The 5's were to be disagreed with, and the 3's ignored.

The assignment was to describe what are the elements of a good relationship. Everyone answer 1 gave we agreed with, saying, "Yeah, that's a great answer!" 5 offered a few answers, and we said, "No, that's kind of the same as..." or "No, I don't that's as important." The 3's weren't heard, and we physically pushed them out.

The result:
1 talked more, a LOT more.
3 got mad, and stopped talking, and folded their arms.
5 felt bad, and stopped making offers, and looked down.

Was 5 rude for being shy? Or did 5 learn shyness?
If someone is constantly mocking you, you will tend to say as little as possible. If you are constantly told that you are boring, or ugly, you begin to believe that you are boring and ugly, and don't risk speaking.

I was often mocked as my voice changed. I didn't speak for years. I never volunteered to read in class, to offer answers, all because people would literally laugh when I spoke. One guy came up to me in gym class and said, "Say something." I said, "What do you want me to say?" He said, "You do have a weird voice. If I were you I would get a voice transplant." I said, "Uh, thanks for the tip. That's really, uh, helpful." It wasn't my rudeness. To this day, it haunts me, while in my adulthood, people always ask, "What were they laughing at?"

I don't think that it is a matter of rudeness, but of fear. People are quick to tell another that they are ugly, but hesitant to compliment. They will say that you are an idiot, but you will hear people tell you that you are insightful, or fun, far less.

I teach ESL, and many of the students are shy. They are afraid of making mistakes and don't want to appear stupid. They don't want to be mocked for saying, "I live next to a liver", because some of the other students will laugh at them.

I usually thank people for opening a door, but I have a quiet voice. And if I am in a hurry, or the person is coming out, I just assume the common courtesy. Once, I was entering McDonald's with groceries in my hand. A man and wife were coming out, so when the opened the door going inward, I quickly stepped in, and as they went out, the woman said, "You're WELCOME!" I said, "Why did you open the door for me? Did you want me to thank you for this amazingly good deed you did, when it was already something that you had to do to leave? Was it a huge sacrifice for you? When I open the door for someone, I simply do it because I think it is a polite thing to do. Demanding a thank you is just rude. The next time you see me, I'll get the door myself."

She was miffed, but if the only reason someone is doing something for me is to demand a thank you, I would rather that they don't do it at all.

 

[tansy]

From my own personal experience, people don't always realise how they appear to other people. Until I became a Christian and God started healing and changing me, I used (for various reasons) to be very shy and introverted and had next to no social skills.
I remember once being in a job and a new person started, and knowing how I felt when I started anywhere new, I tried to be friendly to this person (or I thought I was being friendly and welcoming). Anyhow, after a while we became friends --and then one day she told me that when she first met me, she thought I was surly and aloof!!---And that was when I was trying to be friendly! Goodness knows how I came over at other times!
So, anyway, now if anyone is "off" or rude with me, although it's not pleasant , I tend to think that it's probably because they have some problem or other--could even be that they've got a really bad headache or something, and it does'nt necessarily mean they're being knowingly or intentionally rude.

 

[Rebekka]

She was miffed, but if the only reason someone is doing something for me is to demand a thank you, I would rather that they don't do it at all.

Me too.

What does ESL stand for?

I'm shy. But I'm also very polite. Like wanderingone I don't want to interrupt conversations; it hadn't occurred to me that not interrupting someone can be seen as rude, too.

 

[Beanieboy]

English as a Second Language

My Korean students are often very quiet in class. I ask them why they don't speak, and they say, "I don't have an opportunity to talk." In their culture, interrupting or talking over the tail end of someone's comment is considered rude, while the Brazilians talk over each other all the time.

The same is probably true in families. One family communicates by talking over each other, while another might demand that you let the person speak before speaking, or not speak unless being spoken to.

 

[Robbie_James_Francis]

I don't think it's rude, but I think it's important for people to try to gauge social situations and what the people around them want and need.

It's quite difficult, though, when you've got people with very different personalities interacting. I'm sure some of my friends are just as annoyed when I ask them for the fiftieth time if they're OK as I am when they haven't said anything for the last five minutes. Especially when I do it in clubs and during films.

 

[Rebekka]

English as a Second Language

Oh, thanks, I didn't know that.

 

[wanderingone]

So is being too extroverted rude? And should they learn too keep their mouths shut once in a while.. too be honest i find it difficult to tolerate either extreme.

I don't think either of these extremes is rude, like I said I believe rudeness includes an intent to insult the other party or intentional disregard what one knows to be the prevailing etiquette in any situation.

Finding someone's behavior annoying doesn't mean they are being rude.

 

[Beanieboy]

True. I have found that Koreans think that Brazilians are loud and rude, while Brazilians find Koreans shy and quiet. Neither sees themselves that way.

It's the same as blacks and whites. Blacks, culturally, respond - to the preacher, to each other, to rappers. Whites think talking is rude, because it is interruption. Blacks think whites are uptight, and nonresponsive and not engaged.

Cultural misunderstanding.

 

[Foolish_Fool]

I tend to give alot of one word, or short and to the point answers, because I am simply not interested. Sorry, I don't care about your dog, please stop annoying me. I would honestly rather sit and stare at the wall in silence than engage in small talk with most people. It's not that I'm anti-social, it's that they simply bore me.

As for weak handshakes... I never thought people would consider that rude. Personally, I don't even like to handshake at all. Keep your germy hands off me please, kthx. When I do have to shake somebodies hand it's typically short and weak, because I simply don't want to touch them.

From my point of view I'm going out of my way to be polite to these people. I'd much rather say "SILENCE! Your words... they hurt me." or "Sorry Germy McGerman but you're not touching me." It would make my life so much less annoying.

 

[Beanieboy]

I used to work in an office where the girl would never shut up. Fortunately, she had another woman to talk about, but it was one of those, "This is my 3rd Piece of cake. Is that, like, bad, er whatever?" The other woman would say, "No," whereas, I would say, "It's 9am. Breakfast of Champions. Don't you dare whine to me about being fat again!"

Most of the conversations were extremely banal conversation, saying she hated men, how she didn't need a man, then asking why she didn't have a boyfriend, how she was dating a married guy, all the while, peppered with seeeeeeeriously, and "like" and "whatever" and "hellooooooo?" I learned to tune her out, so I was seen as "shy", but it is far more polite than saying, "You don't have a boyfriend because you only focus on yourself, you are needy, and you date married guys or guys who are in town for a week."

It's the same on the subway. I don't really want to have a pointless conversation about Britney Spears. I'm sick to death of hearing about it. I don't care about Girliscious, or who is going to win American Idol, because it's so lame. I don't care about how much snow we've had. Yes, it's a lot of snow. Doesn't anyone think any deeper than that?

My family also doesn't hug. I feel very uncomfortable hugging people unless we are dating. It feels forced, and people also think this makes me cold. I think hugging someone because you haven't seen them for an hour, is really clingy and needy.

Neither is right. Again, it's a cultural thing, and seeing it from a different point of view.

 

[BlackBerry]

But you know when you get these people, who you ask them a question and you get one word answers (complete conversation stoppers),

I am very shy IRL (around people I don't know). If a stranger asks me a question, I answer with the amount of words necessary. I'm not comfortable talking to everyone (I suck @ small talk) and that fact has nothing to do with anyone but myself. If someone thinks I'm being rude when that isn't my intention, then it's their problem. Simple as that.

they don't say thanks when you open a door for them, instead hurridly scuttle through the door, give you weak handshakes and so on... are these people rude?

Matter of perspective. I always thank people who hold doors for me. I hold doors for others when possible and if they don't thank me, it's not a problem because I don't do it for thanks. I do it because I appreciate it when others do it for me.

Should shy people learn to be better socially?

I think shy people should, along with everyone else, mind their own business.

But seriously, shy people should learn to be "better socially" if they want to. Doesn't really matter to me.

 

[Rebekka]

I don't hug either. I hate touching strangers (especially on the bus when they're squeezed against you). I never kiss my parents although I love them dearly; I do kiss my inlaws although I don't care about them. I often say "I don't kiss my parents because I love them". It's true. The only person I enjoy kissing is my husband, so I only kiss other people out of politeness, because it is the social norm. But my parents are close enough to me to be honest to them - so I don't kiss them. (Fortunately my dad has the same touching issues.)

I have absolutely no smalltalk. I love talking, but not about the weather or things like that. I hate meeting new people. I don't think I'm rude though, because I usually hide my feelings out of politeness. But I'm never chatty to strangers. If they ask me something, I'll answer yes or no or another short answer.

 

[Maxwell511]

I do believe that people with crippling shyness need to learn the basics of social skills, however to me people who are shy to the point of not being able to say "thank you" often are clearly not being rude.

Some people are incapable of learning the "basics" of social skills because the basics of social skills revolve around subtle body and facial signals. Some people like myself just don't get those signals.

I don't think I have Asperger's Syndrome but I can alot of the qualities of it. One of them being the complete lack of understanding of social situations.

For example, if I go to a shop I know you have to say "please" and "thank you". The "please" part is easy because it is done at the very start, "thank you" is more problematic because I'm not sure what the queue for it is. Most of the time it ends up either I don't say "thank you" at all or say it about ten times and in places that I think maybe making me look weird.

 

[GrayCat]

Some people are incapable of learning the "basics" of social skills because the basics of social skills revolve around subtle body and facial signals. Some people like myself just don't get those signals.

I don't think I have Asperger's Syndrome but I can alot of the qualities of it. One of them being the complete lack of understanding of social situations.

For example, if I go to a shop I know you have to say "please" and "thank you". The "please" part is easy because it is done at the very start, "thank you" is more problematic because I'm not sure what the queue for it is. Most of the time it ends up either I don't say "thank you" at all or say it about ten times and in places that I think maybe making me look weird.

I am like that too. I have Nonverbal Learning Disability which means that everything that is not expressed clearly in words is difficult for me to interpret. It affects me in math and spatial reasoning, but also with social things because of looks and gestures. I have a few close friends who i really care about, and my family, and other than that I don't need or want anything interms of people in my life because alot of the time, my relationships with and perceptions of people are complicated.

 

[wanderingone]

Some people are incapable of learning the "basics" of social skills because the basics of social skills revolve around subtle body and facial signals. Some people like myself just don't get those signals.

I don't think I have Asperger's Syndrome but I can alot of the qualities of it. One of them being the complete lack of understanding of social situations.

For example, if I go to a shop I know you have to say "please" and "thank you". The "please" part is easy because it is done at the very start, "thank you" is more problematic because I'm not sure what the queue for it is. Most of the time it ends up either I don't say "thank you" at all or say it about ten times and in places that I think maybe making me look weird.

Oh definitely, I guess I could have worded "should learn" a little differently, I think it's a great help to be aware of what you're missing- I have the same issue with tone, facial expressions etc. I don't interpret well - it helps to simply be aware of that.. it doesn't really make me less awkward socially but I also have been able to make myself learn the basics of greeting people -- I will never "get" why people are all insulted if you leave for the day without doing the whole "have a good night see you tomorrow thing" but since I know they are then I can avoid making them feel that I want to insult them by going along with small norms that take nothing from me.

Now in a situation where I don't know the ways and means... well then I'm back to square one.