Insight anybody?

[Laila]

Hi,
I found this site about 6 mos ago, when looking throught the internet to find a place where I could find other people in my situation. I have seen a *wide* variety of responses here from the liberal to extreme fundamentalist. (Bkg and mghalpern I particularly find your posts to be knowledgable and practical).

Here's a brief overview. My husband and I got married from a one-night stand resulting in pregnancy. Both of us are Christians. We had a brief time of friendship before that but knew there was nothing more.

6 months into the marriage he quit his job, bought a motor-home and decided to relive his youth windsurfing in Oregon. For that whole summer I stayed with the baby (3mos old then) and watched. Since then it has been something like 6 moves and 10+ jobs in the past 3-4 years. Oh, and also another baby. (Kids are now 2 + 3.5). He is extremely unbalanced and unpredictable in his thinking and actions. Last December he was unemployeed and started drinking. Finally I had to ask him to leave. (I had just started school f/t and he was demanding that I quite and find a job while he just sat at home). Life was just easier without him. He said I was a burden, a sacrifice that I should only submit and support him. Have you ever been treated as a "curse?"

I do think I had Biblical justification for separation at that time however since then his drinking has been under control. He is passive aggressive, has an extremely low self-esteem and I suspect either bi-polar or FAE. He still struggles with work. He wants to live together again -he has this whole time. I don't think I have a good justification anymore for not living with him anymore, however I really, truly cannot cope with his irrationality, implusiveness and the basic upheaval he constantly has in most if not all areas of his life. He currently still views me as a burden, "the enemy" and that I have stolen his children away from him. (He sees them nearly every day and has them over at his place sometimes). He is very angry with me and honestly doesn't care about me at all. These are all things he has said straight out. (To be fair I will say that I am indifferent to him, I don't love him). His Christianity seems to always go back to square one and I really (objectively) have not seen any growth in him spiritually since our marriage. I do believe that the man is the "leader" of the family, but he seems to take that to an extreme. I am not one of those women who call out "abuse!" every time something happens, I am also not a feminist. I would however like to be treated with civil respect. I am very torn btwn keeping my own sanity and doing the "right thing."(?)

Does anybody here have experience with somebody like this? I feel like I am going nutty here. If I let him move back in, will I be enabling him to not face his problems? (Oh, btw, I have had many other ppl, including our counselor suggest to my husband that he go see a physiochologist for assessment).

I believe that God has a plan for me, for him. I believe that all things to work together. I believe that we serve a God of the impossible. We took vows before Him. Marriage is supposed to be sacred. But I also know I am human. I fail. We are coming up on 12 mos of separation. After that time, it's much ‘easier' to file for a D. He threatens that often and to be honest I have come to the point where I just want out. OUT.

Please pray for me. I need it so badly. I am so weak. It is only by the grace of God that I am still here.

 

[seekfirst]

I'm praying for you.....big((hugs))...Kimberly

 

[bkg]

Hi,
I found this site about 6 mos ago, when looking throught the internet to find a place where I could find other people in my situation. I have seen a *wide* variety of responses here from the liberal to extreme fundamentalist. (Bkg and mghalpern I particularly find your posts to be knowledgable and practical).

Wow - I won't speak for Michael, but I will say that I am neither knowledgeable nor practical - I'm just a guy who's trying to figure things out. If some where along the way I say something that makes sense or rings true, I assure you it is not from me - as I'm simply not capable of advice or wisdom. Thank you - very much - for your kind words!

Does anybody here have experience with somebody like this? I feel like I am going nutty here. If I let him move back in, will I be enabling him to not face his problems? (Oh, btw, I have had many other ppl, including our counselor suggest to my husband that he go see a physiochologist for assessment).

If I told you I was similar, would you believe me?

When I married my wife - the beautiful, amazing woman that she is - I knew in my heart that she was "the one". I also knew that day that I was scared to death. Shortly after the wedding, I started to pull away... in subtle ways at first, but in larget ways later. I all of a sudden felt trapped. Not in my heart, not in my mind, for I KNEW better... but in my spirit. We were not a God-focused couple... I take the blame and ownership of that.

I say that for this reason. Some people live on a pendulum (sp?). We want so badly for the pendulum to simply stop swinging, to be stable. And when it swings too far one way (marriage?), we pull it back the other way as far as we possibly can, just to feel some autonomy and safety. It's wrong, it's dumb, it's selfish... it destroys marriages. I know from experience.

I believe that God has a plan for me, for him. I believe that all things to work together. I believe that we serve a God of the impossible. We took vows before Him. Marriage is supposed to be sacred. But I also know I am human. I fail. We are coming up on 12 mos of separation. After that time, it's much ‘easier' to file for a D. He threatens that often and to be honest I have come to the point where I just want out. OUT.

Yes - God DOES have a plan for both of you. But it's not your task to figure that out. Allow God to deal wtih that, to make it known to both of you. I can relate to the desire of simply wanting "out" of a situation of seemingly hopelessness... Our marriage counselor, the week (?) or so before he told us to divorce (some Christian counselor, eh? Yes, I *AM* bitter about that) said that separation is the worst thing a couple can do - it almost always leads to divorce. I do not at all blame you for wanting out - I'm sure that's exacltly how my wife felt, and I know I felt that way from time to time as well.

But do you really want out of the marriage? Or just out of teh current situation? Typically, as I've learned via observation, I would say that it's the latter...

Regardless, you summed it up perfectly yourself... "God has a plan....." There's your answer. Should you let him move back in? My opinion, from nothing other than this post is: Yes.... with conditions... I hate to admit that I would request conditions, because I think that's antithetical to loving as Christ does, however, I think it's important for his health, for your health, and for the health of your children that you both get this figured out. Given that, I would make the conditions be counseling with a good christian counselor, and open and honest communication... I don't think it's irrational or immoral to ask him to put his family before his whims... It's fair to ask, I believe.

I know I offer nothing easy, nor do I offer anything sound. This is what came to mind as I typed. Thank you for your kind words - I do appreciate them! I hope and pray that all works out to His Glory through this situation, and that you ultimately will find a healed and healthy marriage....


bkg

 

[mghalpern]

​

Quote:Originally Posted by: Laila
Hi,

I found this site about 6 mos ago, when looking throught the internet to find a place where I could find other people in my situation. I have seen a *wide* variety of responses here from the liberal to extreme fundamentalist. (Bkg and mghalpern I particularly find your posts to be knowledgable and practical).​

Wow - I won't speak for Michael, but I will say that I am neither knowledgeable nor practical - I'm just a guy who's trying to figure things out. If some where along the way I say something that makes sense or rings true, I assure you it is not from me - as I'm simply not capable of advice or wisdom. Thank you - very much - for your kind words!
​

​

Quote:
Does anybody here have experience with somebody like this? I feel like I am going nutty here. If I let him move back in, will I be enabling him to not face his problems? (Oh, btw, I have had many other ppl, including our counselor suggest to my husband that he go see a physiochologist for assessment).

​

​

If I told you I was similar, would you believe me?​

When I married my wife - the beautiful, amazing woman that she is - I knew in my heart that she was "the one". I also knew that day that I was scared to death. Shortly after the wedding, I started to pull away... in subtle ways at first, but in larget ways later. I all of a sudden felt trapped. Not in my heart, not in my mind, for I KNEW better... but in my spirit. We were not a God-focused couple... I take the blame and ownership of that.

I say that for this reason. Some people live on a pendulum (sp?). We want so badly for the pendulum to simply stop swinging, to be stable. And when it swings too far one way (marriage?), we pull it back the other way as far as we possibly can, just to feel some autonomy and safety. It's wrong, it's dumb, it's selfish... it destroys marriages. I know from experience.

​

Quote:
I believe that God has a plan for me, for him. I believe that all things to work together. I believe that we serve a God of the impossible. We took vows before Him. Marriage is supposed to be sacred. But I also know I am human. I fail. We are coming up on 12 mos of separation. After that time, it's much ‘easier' to file for a D. He threatens that often and to be honest I have come to the point where I just want out. OUT.

Yes - God DOES have a plan for both of you. But it's not your task to figure that out. Allow God to deal wtih that, to make it known to both of you. I can relate to the desire of simply wanting "out" of a situation of seemingly hopelessness... Our marriage counselor, the week (?) or so before he told us to divorce (some Christian counselor, eh? Yes, I *AM* bitter about that) said that separation is the worst thing a couple can do - it almost always leads to divorce. I do not at all blame you for wanting out - I'm sure that's exacltly how my wife felt, and I know I felt that way from time to time as well.​

But do you really want out of the marriage? Or just out of teh current situation? Typically, as I've learned via observation, I would say that it's the latter...

Regardless, you summed it up perfectly yourself... "God has a plan....." There's your answer. Should you let him move back in? My opinion, from nothing other than this post is: Yes.... with conditions... I hate to admit that I would request conditions, because I think that's antithetical to loving as Christ does, however, I think it's important for his health, for your health, and for the health of your children that you both get this figured out. Given that, I would make the conditions be counseling with a good christian counselor, and open and honest communication... I don't think it's irrational or immoral to ask him to put his family before his whims... It's fair to ask, I believe.

I know I offer nothing easy, nor do I offer anything sound. This is what came to mind as I typed. Thank you for your kind words - I do appreciate them! I hope and pray that all works out to His Glory through this situation, and that you ultimately will find a healed and healthy marriage....


bkg



Laila… As so often is the case, there isn’t much more I could add to what bkg has already said. I too thank you for you for your kind words. If anything that I have said is knowledgeable and practical, it’s only because of what the Lord has taught me or given me to say.


I too was not the husband I should have been to my wife. Due to pride and insecurities, I used some forms of control and manipulation in my marriage because of expectations and fears I had. These are two of the biggest regrets I have in my marriage (and now separation…going on eleven months) and wish that things were different.


I also believe that God has a plan for each of you and your marriage. I think this is a great time for you both to get the individual healing that He desires to bring you. God definitely is still in the “miracle business” and wants nothing more that a restored family (not so much to what it once was, but to so much more of what it can be in Him). The vows you took are the source behind your commitment and marriage is still sacred. We are human and we do fail, but we don’t have to fail completely. We can make mistakes (many of which are very spontaneous…not premeditated), but that doesn’t mean we have to carry out our mistakes to the point of failure. You said that you have been separated about a year and that filing for divorce gets much easier at this point. I would ask you what you hope to accomplish through divorce. I have heard many people say that they want to divorce for the “legal” reasons (of course this can be achieved through a legal separation (not too sure about Canadian laws), but most people I have witnessed in my life divorce to free themselves from one problem so that they can be available to remarry (often taking on a new problem). If your reasons are the former, then I would consider a legal separation if you are COMPELLED to do that for some reason (our separation is not a legal separation at this time), but the only reason divorce would be necessary is if you planned on getting remarried. If your husband files, you may not be able to do anything legal to stop this, but I strongly encourage you to seek out that which is God’s best…His will.


I can barely imagine getting to the point where I would “just want out” of my marriage. I truly believe when we are thinking of ourselves (and our children sometimes) and only concerned with the things of this world (as apposed to the eternal realm), we can definitely get to this point. However, when we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and grow in compassion and empathy for that person because we not only realize that we too are human’s who sin, but that they may be broken, wounded, sick, scared, insecure, etc. we tend to view things much differently. When I was living with my wife I only thought of myself (through my pride and insecurities), but now that she is gone, I see that much of what I was so unhappy about stemmed from her (and my) brokenness and wounds from the past. If (and when I pray) that God restores our marriage, I hope to never forget just how fragile we all are, how hurt my wife is, and how much I need to live with her with understanding, grace, mercy, and most of all—LOVE.


I pray that you can have a change of heart to see things from God’s perspective. I hope that your willingness to resolve your marital issues will grow…that these “feelings” toward your husband will grow once again when your heart softens (I realized that most people are afraid to “feel” again and become vulnerable because they have been hurt so much before, but this is truly the only place the God can really work in our lives and marriages). I would add that I think this is a great time for you to remain separated and tell your husband that you want nothing more that reconciliation…to become a family that loves and serves God once again, but that some criteria must be met such as his seeking therapy and/or medical attention. Since you have been apart for a year, I see no rush to have him move back in (it’s important not to put your children through the emotional ups and downs that this can cause). I would hope that the two of you could begin dating again once he has started some treatment program and rebuild that which God has for your family.

I hope that something I have said is of use to you and for you. I think you know how strongly I feel about marriage and family and I know that our Lord is totally capable of doing the impossible. If your husband doesn’t respond to this in a positive way (after some time) than we can return to this discussion. Lord bless you Laila…my prayers are with you and your family…Michael