Insecurity in dating

[Tyler582]

Hello to wise people. People that think that they can give wisdom to me on my dating confusions and struggles, I call out to you! Um lol okay, anyways heres the thing. I have fairly good self-esteem and everything and I trust my girlfriend very, very much. Shes my first girl and weve been together for over a year now. Im 16. She has quite a quiet life and isnt all energetic and social, so I dont have much reason (well I have at several points in the past) to be insecure about her and other guys. I still am a bit insecure though, but now the insecurity is falling into other areas for me.

It is, and I believe that it actually always has been, also associated with the attention and time that I get from her. I can get... well its just a weird feeling, like a twisted stomach... maybe feeling abandoned or not cared for as much as I care sorta thing. It's just a feeling of insecurity, not very big... please dont get me wrong, Im extremely happy wiht the relationship, this is but a minor thing. But yeah thing is sometimes I feel this way, feel like i want to have tabs on every part of her life and part of everything she does. If I dont get enought time, even if homework is taking away from it and even if I know she doesnt mean it, I can get feeling sad. It passes fairly quick though.

So yeah, we are moving away from sexuality before marriage... we used to dabble in that and now we have come to think that it is wrong. Could that have to do with it? Is it just me and my sensitive needs? She does bring out quite an emotional side to me and we are definatly extremely close... so yeah, this isnt really a Christian topic, I think, but any thought is appreciated. Thanks .

 

[katelyn]

Hm, I would say that when you guys took it too far that you got a lot of yourself wrapped up in the relationship and that's what causing the insecurity.

I would say keep reminding yourself of the things you told us (that you have no reason to feel insecure about her, and that she's not really abandoning you).

I also think that putting some concentration onto your life outside your girlfriend (hobbies, friends, figuring out what you want to do as a career) will help you feel better about yourself.

 

[erinm]

just want to encourage you to keep moving as far away as possible from the sexual immorality, that's good that you have decided on that. keep praying and stay strong!

 

[Tyler582]

Sounds like good advice so far . But also Id like to add that I know people that have sex and are also much more secure in thier relationships then I am. So yeah, while I do think that Im obsessed with my girlfreind and that the sex stuff coulda been bad, could there be more types of advice?

Perhaps this is a deeply phycological thing? If so any books would be good .

 

[HeatherJay]

Tyler, I think it's great that you and your girlfriend are moving away from the sexual. You sound like you're pretty serious about her. Just remember that God has a plan for you. It may be that your insecurities are God trying to let you know that something isn't quite right with the relationship. It may just be that since you've moved away from the sexual aspect of your relationship that you're missing the intimacy that you found there with her. That intimacy is something that can be found in other ways. Try reading the Bible together. Maybe it's just your own insecurity that without the sexual stuff that you can't hold onto her...that she'll lose interest in you. I think these are all things that you should pray about. Just ask God to give you security in the relationship. Ask Him to let you know somehow if this relationship is not where He wants you to be right now. Remember also that you're still young and you don't want to miss out on all the fun stuff that goes along with being 16 because you're sitting at home worrying about what your girlfriend is up to without you. Most of all, just be open to the voice of God...He'll let you know if something is not right...just pray that He'll open your heart so that you can hear His voice.


Love, Heather

 

[YouthPastor]

She has quite a quiet life and isnt all energetic and social,

I think this has alot to do with it. Her personality. She probably is not one to show alot of affection - and not that you are moving away from the sexual stuff you are starting to feel insecure because you no long have the "physical" stuff to make you "feel" loved.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I think it's something we all go through and should grow out of. I know the feeling you're talking about.
She is her own person and can live her own life. She can even make the decision, if she so chooses, to not have you in her life, as harsh as that sounds. So you need to trust her. She wants to be with you. She hasn't given you any reasons to believe otherwise. If she wants to hang out with her friends on friday night, tell her to have a ball.
You don't belong to each other so you can't place that pressure on yourselves. If you do, and one of you needs to talk about something, it is more likely that you or her will not talk about it out of fear. That's no place you want to be. But a lot of guys try to run their girls' lives. Work on not doing that.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Tyler, I think you can handle what I have to say. You are too young to be so committed to someone, slow down man, it is not a race. When I was your age, and even older, I figured the girl I was with would one day end up being my wife. How silly that was. Your hope is not on some girl, your hope ought to be in Christ. So what is it that leads you to be insecure? Well, I think you are a smart guy, part of it is because of physical things between the two of you. I guarantee that if you got more physical with her, your insecurities will only increase. Do not take the hard route to see that I am telling you the truth. Have you ever repented for that? How much do you trust God? How much do you rely on him? It sounds like you run to this girl instead of to God on most issues. You may want to change your priorities and the place you put your hope. Does any of this make sense?

 

[desi]

Tyler those feelings are normal for your age, I had them. As an older married man my feelings are nowhere near as strong as when I was your age. I love my wife but it burns less hot than my conquests of old. I am concerned about you and her moving back after 'going too far'. The Bible does not address such behavior, probably because it usually fails miserably. If you feel distant from her she may be 'wanting more' and scared to bring it up. From my experience once a woman goes through with 'it' she'll be interested in it and if you want her to stay with you... Many people here will argue against me on this but its one of life's lessons I've learned the hard way. 16 is Biblically old enough to start a marriage, although contemporary society frowns upon it.

 

[katelyn]

I am concerned about you and her moving back after 'going too far'. The Bible does not address such behavior, probably because it usually fails miserably. If you feel distant from her she may be 'wanting more' and scared to bring it up. From my experience once a woman goes through with 'it' she'll be interested in it and if you want her to stay with you... Many people here will argue against me on this but its one of life's lessons I've learned the hard way.

I'm afraid I'm one of those many people who will argue against this.

Tyler did not tell us how they came to the decision to back off physically. I believe that if his girlfriend was really involved in making the decision, that she will be committed to that. I think it's terrible to assume that once a woman has "it" that you will have to be intimate with her to keep her with you. I could say the same thing about a man.

In fact, maybe Tyler's girlfriend is feeling guilty for stopping because she knows it is a difficult thing to stop and is possibly afraid that he will be resentful about stopping. It doesn't sound like you are resentful, Tyler, but that could be a concern for her and possibly why she is seeming withdrawn. Or maybe she is withdrawn because she doesn't want to get in a temptation situation. Hopefully if you talk about it you can figure out what's going on.

 

[Tyler582]

Hey guys, sry I havent checked the thread in a few days, I been busy and I had an operation on a hernia this week :S. Anyways, I have a bit of clairification...

The reason we decided to back off was more initiated by me... Ive posted here before about it, but I really thought that the way we were physically involved with eachother was basically killing my spiritual life. Since weve began backing off I think overall my life is getting better and the insecurities have actually been droppig as well .

As for her feelings on backing off... Im not sure, she may be going along with me a bit because of the way I made it known that I wanted it to happen, but really I think she is believeing that it is right too. We are very close and I think that I do actually have something with her... of course I dont actually know for sure that I would want to marry her, but I still sometimes hope, and I contemplate if she could work out for me (Im still a bit skeptic on that lol).

About the idea that I should back off from her and enjoy the rest of my life more... Yeah Ive thought about this. Sometimes Im too obsessed, but really I still ahve a good school and freinds life and everything, and most importantly, my spiritual life is coming back together real well. I think taht I can make it work with her in a way simularily to how it is now.

I value all your inputs and I think what Im getting is just to not act like Im married to her at this point and sorta still keep my life. I also have to pray for help.... ITs just hard though to be less into her because Im literally obsessed with her and shes a big part of every day that IM alive. I dont want to back off... My body and mind wants to be married .

 

[ewindsor]

Tyler - I'm a 20 year old guy man, and I feel exactly what you feel. I don't know exactly why, but someone on IRC told me it's because "I don't trust myself". I don't know man, I know my girlfriend is the truest, most trustworthy girl, blessed woman of God, she has awesome spiritual gifts and all, and she's so true when it comes to God and helping me out with things, but I dunno, I do think "man i wonder if she's looking at him like that" or "what if she's cheating with him" and really, really stupid stuff like that man that I know ain't right. I don't know man - I think it's Satan trying to take this relationship apart or something. You got any ideas? Or anybody? Please pray for us thanks!

--Elijah--