Input Needed

LostAndTortured · Jun 14, 2008

Ok, I never thought I'd be on this kind of forum looking for help, but here it goes. I'm a 24 year old male. I've been married for 5 and a half years. I have 2 great children, and I'm misserable.

I'm not happy with my wife. I've tried for the past two years of feeling this way to be happy, but I can't. I'm not physically attracted to her. I'm not attracted to her personality. I don't enjoy spending time with her. I'm just misserable, and she's a pretty great person, and she's a wonderful mother to our children. She should be the perfect wife, which is why I married her in the first place. I do love her as a person, but not as a wife. It's never "man I can't wait for her to get home so we can hang out" or anything like that. I just don't LOVE LOVE her, and truthfully, I don't even want to anymore.

Over the past two years, we've decided twice to split up, the first time because I said I wasn't happy, and the second because we didn't feel like we could get along. Both times, I pretty much got to the point of begging her to stay with me, partially because I didn't want to be alone, and some because we have a family together (I know I'm going to get some pretty harsh input here on a Christian board by the way, but that's kind of why I'm here). Anyway, this makes me even more selfish, because if we actually do end up splitting up, I'm the one who drug it out all of this time.

I never really stopped feeling unhappy over the last couple of years, but I've done my best to give myself the mindset that "this is my life and I need to make the best of it," but I've gotten to the point that I just can't do that anymore. Our time here is pretty darn short, and I don't want to spend it feeling like this.

What made the whole thing worse a couple of weeks ago was that she brought home a new work friend, and I'm falling for this girl. There's been no interaction between the two of us that isn't completely inocent, but I can't quit thinking about her.... this girl I've known for two weeks and really only hung out around a couple of times. I don't know what it is about her, but part of it is that she's everything I want to be. She's a true christian. She doesn't have to drink to be fun and have fun. She's more concerned with helping other people out in life than she is about herself, etc etc. I don't really even know this girl, and I'm aware that she could be a totally different person than I'm seeing (even though I don't think so), and I'm not trying to say that I want to leave my wife and try to "date" this girl either, but if I can feel that way, how can I stay in this marriage that I'm unhappy in? I havn't had these kinds of "can't get her out of my head" feelings since I was in middle school. It's driving me crazy. I've even been trying to set her up with a single buddy of mine hoping that that will help me, but they're not even really clicking, so I don't know.

I started praying for the first time in years a couple of days ago. I don't know what else to do. There's not a single person that can tell me what I should do right now even though I am hoping for some helpful input here. I havn't even beleived in God for years. I've spent the last few years rationalizing religion, how it doesn't make sense, how science does and so forth, but for the past few days that stuff doesn't even come to mind. I know they say that a lot of people don't even turn to God until they really feel like they need something, and I wish this isn't what it took for me, but here I am, praying to God asking him to forgive me, let me, and even help me through a devorce. I know that devorce is a sin..... but I also don't think that we're meant to live our lives without finding real love. There's a reason we find ourselves attracted to other people, and I'm talking beyond sexually.

Back on track here, there are also children involved. For starters, I'll never not be there for my kids, no matter what happens. It just kills me to think about my wife remarrying in a year or two or whatever, and some other man helping to raise my children. I'll always be thier father, but that man would be someone they'd have to respect and look up to as well. I cry thinking about that. And more importantly explaining to them what is going on. "Why doesn't daddy live here anymore Mom?" Wow.... How does anyone go through all of that? But still, when my children are grown, and I'm 60, 70, 80 years old, I don't want to look back on my life and regret.

And my wife. She's such a hard worker. She works and goes to school and takes care of things around the house better than I do even. She doesn't deserve any of it no matter what I do. She doesn't deserve to have a husband that sits at home on the internet typing this kind of message on a forum, but in the same token, she sure as heck doesn't deserve to be left alone. She's strong, but that's just not fair. She does love me. How can I run off and be happy and just leave her here feeling used? I know she'd get over it eventually. I'm not so full of myself to think that she'll just sit around for the next 5 years wishing she had me back, but still. It's still going to hurt her. I can't help feeling like garbage no matter what I do...

paperneck · Jun 15, 2008

why don't you try and not be so very self centered. that might take a lot of the misery away.

LostAndTortured · Jun 15, 2008

paperneck said:
why don't you try and not be so very self centered. that might take a lot of the misery away.

I think it's pretty clear that I'm worried about a whole lot more than myself here. If it was just about what I wanted and no one else, this would be a lot easier.

LilLamb219 · Jun 15, 2008

Have you both been to marriage counseling? You really need it.

And you need to stop looking at your wife's friend...and stay away from her. That would totally mess up your life for good...and think of your children!

You need to start acting like a man instead of thinking solely of yourself. Yes, you've stated some things about the others in your family, but you ultimately keep going back to YOU YOU YOU and your wants and needs. Put your family first. They deserve it. Nothing less.

LostAndTortured · Jun 15, 2008

LilLamb219 said:
Have you both been to marriage counseling? You really need it.

And you need to stop looking at your wife's friend...and stay away from her. That would totally mess up your life for good...and think of your children!

You need to start acting like a man instead of thinking solely of yourself. Yes, you've stated some things about the others in your family, but you ultimately keep going back to YOU YOU YOU and your wants and needs. Put your family first. They deserve it. Nothing less.

Wow, all I've gotten are two posts telling me to stop being selfish. Well you know what, maybe I want to start thinking about myself for a change and stop worrying about how what I do (even outside of this issue) is going to affect other people. I've made plenty of sacrifices in my life for others. I work a job that I absolutely hate so that my wife can go to school. I have little to no social life (and neither does my wife) because I don't think it's fair that when I'm not working to hire someone to watch my children instead of spending time with them myself. I'm the first one to give up any extra time I DO have off if a friend needs help moving or whatever. I give my time to everyone else whenever it's needed or wanted, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be told that I'm selfish without getting upset. I do what I can to make other people happy..... Its about time I was happy.

gracepaints · Jun 15, 2008

I don't think you are self-centered, but I think it might be helpful to you to just talk to a counselor on your own. Not to "fix" you. Just to talk things out.

You say your wife is a wonderful. You have a lot of admiration for this other woman. You obviously love your family. There are a lot of good thing around you but you are still unhappy. My concern is this unhappiness is not a matter of your circumstances but rather an unhappiness that comes from within you. Before you make a huge change, end things forever with a good wife and break-up your family, I would seriously consider the possibility that doing so might NOT make you any happier and may rather put you in a sorrier and sadder state than you are in already.

Seriously, and with all sincerity, please go seek some professional advice about how you are feeling. No one else needs to know what you are doing. Just do it to make sure you are in the right headspace before you make any big decisions about your future and the future of your family.

God bless. Please come back and tell us how you are doing.

paperneck · Jun 15, 2008

LostAndTortured said:
Wow, all I've gotten are two posts telling me to stop being selfish. Well you know what, maybe I want to start thinking about myself for a change and stop worrying about how what I do (even outside of this issue) is going to affect other people. I've made plenty of sacrifices in my life for others. I work a job that I absolutely hate so that my wife can go to school. I have little to no social life (and neither does my wife) because I don't think it's fair that when I'm not working to hire someone to watch my children instead of spending time with them myself. I'm the first one to give up any extra time I DO have off if a friend needs help moving or whatever. I give my time to everyone else whenever it's needed or wanted, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be told that I'm selfish without getting upset. I do what I can to make other people happy..... Its about time I was happy.

all of the things you treat like burdens are things which so many others would be grateful to have.

if you think your plate is full and you have a reason mope you ought to look outside yourself and see people who are actually suffering just to see how good you have it.

you married her and promised to be good to her. you started a family with her. Don't be such a boy about these things, you knew it wouldn't be perfect.

CVL · Jun 15, 2008

You hate your job and aren't having any fun in life. Maybe you subconciously putting the burden of your absolute happiness on your wife, or somehow link it to her as a scapegoat. If that's the case then it's the situation you are unhappy with and you need to change that. Everything else will follow.

Perhaps you like this co-worker just simply because it's an escape or represents some kind of change without effort.

You just sound burnt out; you hate routine. Change it up. Would you change your wife before you change your job?

"It's never -man I can't wait for her to get home so we can hang out." If you have anything positive to share, does this sentiment change?

morningstar2651 · Jun 15, 2008

Try relationship counseling. A counselor can probably help you far better than we can.

I don't think you're self-centered. I think you married too young... before you knew what you wanted in five years...let alone ten years. Although old enough for marriage, most people in their teens and early twenties aren't really ready for marriage. Most marriages at that age are unstable and don't work out.

Read the following articles. They may help you figure out your thoughts.

Blue Olive · Jun 15, 2008

LostAndTortured, I know exactly what you're going through. Many, many people go through this with marriage as well.

Let me ask you this one question: Have you committed any harmful acts against your wife which you have withheld from her?

My intention here is definitely not to place blame, but rather find the source of upset.

Performing hurtful acts (doing something you had agreed not to do, or not doing something that you had agreed to do) and keeping them secret from those one transgresses against causes upset like what you've described.

Natural1 · Jun 16, 2008

L&F I've had similar issues with my own wife (and posted it on the Marriage Forum). I do love my wife & enjoy her personality & company, but the physical attraction isn't always there.
Firstly, I think the reason you're being told you're selfish, is that you don't enjoy your wife for who she is (which isn't necessarily your fault, most likely your personalities just don't click for whatever reason), yet you are with her for only two reasons: the children, and the fact you don't want to be alone or have her marry someone else.
You can understand how the second reason comes off as selfish, no?

As I said, I understand somewhat what you're going through, and I commend you for wanting your children to have a nuclear family. It sounds as if you have only two real options here: learn to love your wife for who she is and not for who you want her to be (but is not), which will take more than your own power (read: counseling and more & more prayer), or set her free and allow her (as well as yourself) the opportunity in life not to be trapped in a loveless marriage.

I recommend trying the first option initially, because it sounds like a good part of you truly does want to make it work, but you will have to restructure your mindset as to how you view both her and yourself. Learn to love & enjoy her for who she is, and don't allow yourself to stray mentally looking for what you feel she is not in other women. And then, if it doesn't work out, you will have at least tried to make it truly work, which you owe to yourself, to her, and to your kids. But please, in the end if you know deep down in your heart it is not right, don't lock her up simply because you're afriad to be alone. I've spent many years alone, myself...it's really not that bad

edit: CVL makes some good points, also. We are free to change the things in life we do not enjoy. Perhaps when your wife finishes school she will repay you by supporting the family for awhile while find your true passion in life, and your relationship will be vastly improved as a result.
When you're in your early 20s, you want to have fun in life. Sometimes people who are given alot of resposnibility early in adulthood shed it all completely at some point and never truly grow up (to be honest, my own father was one of those people). I pray you take time to give yourself a break, both physically & mentally, so you can both enjoy something besides work & family, and have the time to figure out your true path in this world, and how your family will fit into it. Pray about it some more, trust God to show you the way, and if you keep an open mind, He will come through for you.

LostAndTortured · Jun 18, 2008

Natural1 said:
L&F I've had similar issues with my own wife (and posted it on the Marriage Forum). I do love my wife & enjoy her personality & company, but the physical attraction isn't always there.
Firstly, I think the reason you're being told you're selfish, is that you don't enjoy your wife for who she is (which isn't necessarily your fault, most likely your personalities just don't click for whatever reason), yet you are with her for only two reasons: the children, and the fact you don't want to be alone or have her marry someone else.
You can understand how the second reason comes off as selfish, no?

As I said, I understand somewhat what you're going through, and I commend you for wanting your children to have a nuclear family. It sounds as if you have only two real options here: learn to love your wife for who she is and not for who you want her to be (but is not), which will take more than your own power (read: counseling and more & more prayer), or set her free and allow her (as well as yourself) the opportunity in life not to be trapped in a loveless marriage.

I recommend trying the first option initially, because it sounds like a good part of you truly does want to make it work, but you will have to restructure your mindset as to how you view both her and yourself. Learn to love & enjoy her for who she is, and don't allow yourself to stray mentally looking for what you feel she is not in other women. And then, if it doesn't work out, you will have at least tried to make it truly work, which you owe to yourself, to her, and to your kids. But please, in the end if you know deep down in your heart it is not right, don't lock her up simply because you're afriad to be alone. I've spent many years alone, myself...it's really not that bad

edit: CVL makes some good points, also. We are free to change the things in life we do not enjoy. Perhaps when your wife finishes school she will repay you by supporting the family for awhile while find your true passion in life, and your relationship will be vastly improved as a result.
When you're in your early 20s, you want to have fun in life. Sometimes people who are given alot of resposnibility early in adulthood shed it all completely at some point and never truly grow up (to be honest, my own father was one of those people). I pray you take time to give yourself a break, both physically & mentally, so you can both enjoy something besides work & family, and have the time to figure out your true path in this world, and how your family will fit into it. Pray about it some more, trust God to show you the way, and if you keep an open mind, He will come through for you.

Right now, I'm making a drunken post, so it might all not make sense, but to be honest, you said I seem like I want to make it work.... I don't. I really REALLY did try for a while. I tried to change a lot of things about myself to fit her. I've realized over the past month that I don't want to try. I don't want to be with her. As uncomplicated as it would be to just be a family, I don't even want to love her. I've gotten to the point that when I pray, I don't pray for our relationship.... I pray for forgiveness for the marriage I've given up on. I really am done with this marriage. I do hope that I'm forgiven, but I'm not happy. Like I said, I'm drunk, and I don't know what else to say, but please pray for me. Not just so that I get what I want..... Please pray for me to make the right decission. I'm going to bed now......

LilLamb219 · Jun 18, 2008

It seems you've already made up your mind, which is a shame. Go try some marriage counseling for the sake of other human beings whose lives you're about to destroy because of YOU.

Natural1 · Jun 18, 2008

Well, I dunno....it sounds pretty bad. At this point I don't feel he should be stringing her along anymore, but that's just my opinion.

SharonL · Jun 21, 2008

Well let's paint the other side of the picture - you married much too young - I have 2 daughters that married at 19 - one spent 11 years of marriage in a mental abuse situation - the other one has been beat down mentally until she is just a shell but will not disolve the marriage because of the money - no happiness in either - the one in the 11 year marriage got divorced - her ex moved his girlfriend in the day my daughter moved out - awful, awful - she spent 11 years after divorce in total misery - worked 3 jobs to make it - was so lonely. She has now graduated from college and became a nurse and has remarried to a man that is good to her - now there is 22 years of struggle - are you ready for that - only you have 2 children to add to the mix.

If you think the grass is much greener elsewhere - try going out and having fun after you pay child support for 2 children - you will be busy working 2 jobs to make it - my daughter worked 3 jobs.

You will not just be destroying your life as you know it right now - you will destroy that of your children and your wife.

Did you love her when you married her - you may be looking at her as the reason you are not out having a good time like others your age - it is a two way street - your wife is struggling also - love just don't die - something has to make it die.

I raised 2 children - their lives and the life of my husband destroyed because of a mother who wanted to run around with other men - party and left my husband alone and with the children - those children had therpy, a good home, all the luxeries of a good family - I got them when they were 4 and 7 - but it never leaves them - the son who is now 48 still is looking to find his mother - even though he has seen her once in 50 years - that should tell him she don't want to see him - but it doesn't - everyone wants to know their parents, no matter what.

The struggle you are going through right now is only a small taste of the struggle of what is to come - by you already looking at another woman in a way that will harm your marriage more will cause guilt to set in and you will feel even worse.

You seem to have your mind made up and all that is left is the separation - try taking about $600 out of your salary for child support - a minimum - paying for another house,

If your wife is a hard working person, a Christian and a good mother - you are giving up what 95% of men would love to have - in all this I am saying if you think you life would be much easier if you would just leave - you better think this through - it will not be easier - it will be harder - the only thing you will have going for you is you will be able to have a wondering eye without guilt - but you won't have much time or money to do much about it.

I think your age right now is a big thing that is going on with you - you are seeing others your age foot loose and fancy free - we are responsible for the choices we make in life and we have others around us to consider with our decisions.

It is not the fault of the children that their mother and father made decisions at too young an age - but everyone has to make the best of it at this point.

It is only natural to want to sow your wild oats that you missed out on and this is sad - the two thins you need not do is blame God and turn to drink - both will bring destruction to your life.

I am praying for you and your family.

Brendan1000 · Jun 23, 2008

I read your post over and I have a few ideas about your situation.

Idea number 1: I'm sure you had a good reason to marry your wife in the first place. Try to look back at that reason and the spark may reignite.

Idea number 2: To some extent, the attractiveness thing might be because you're getting a bit older and hormones calm down a little. It's sometimes easy to find attraction elsewhere. Are you spending enough time with your wife? Maybe too much? Couple-activities are great but you need your own space too.

flaglady · Jun 23, 2008

Good post there, Brendan.

LaT, one thing that jumped out at me from your first post was that you said your wife would 'get over it' if you left her.

I think you very much underestimate the impact it has on a family when it splits up like this. She gets hurt, the kids get hurt, YOU get hurt. Truly. There is no good side to a split family. You don't say you argue, or that she is unfaithful - or that you have been unfaithful except in wandering eyes. Do you REALLY want to do this dreadful thing to your precious little ones? So often little kids end up thinking it was their fault daddy left home, they weren't good enough or quiet enough. And it marks them for life.

Your wife will likely not end up just settling for another man or if she does, she will be damaged too. She will likely end up bitter. The kids will be tug-of-war kids - who do we spend Christmas with this year? How dreadful.

It might seem the answer now but in 20 years time, you will live to regret this big time. Read again what Sharon said. She knows what she talking about. I know what she's talking about. I'm 66 now and I still hurt that my dad left home, still find myself thinking 'perhaps if I'd been a better behaved 8 yr old he would have stayed' even though I know it wasn't that at all. But the rumblings of that divorce influenced the lives of my siblings and me all these years.

Please, don't do it. Even if only for the kids, please remember you are their father and she is their mother.

Don't walk out on them.
You're the father and the husband of this family that YOU made - they all need you.
And that is one precious, precious thing to have - to be needed.
Please don't throw it away.

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