Infidelity - Love vs Trust

[HurtbutHopeful2699]

Hi all, this is my first post and I am asking for Christian advice / views as I do not know what to do.

I will try and make this brief as its a long story:

a. September 2012 I discovered that my husband was kissing another woman. Apparently she manipulated him into it. Before I found out my husband made me feel crazy thinking that he was having an affair, I sobbed in his arms and he still did not come clean.

b. I really struggled with the trust, but our relationship was good.

c. April 2013 I went through a mini mid life crisis due to too much stress in a voluntary role I help in.

d. February 2014 My husband tells me he feels trapped and scrutinised. I give my marriage 200% and more.

e. April 2014 He says he cannot sleep at home. He loves me but not the same. His work chaplain advises him to get some space to think!

f. After a horrid few months of being rejected, feeling unwanted, unworthy, useless etc. September 2014 I find out he has been having a full blown affair.

g. I throw him out, I find out he has a flat in a nearby village and a number of other bits of info. i.e. he rejected our holiday to go on holiday with her. He has been dating her since April and physically intimate since the end of June.

h. After a week or so, he says the relationship is over and I say that I would like to try and work our marriage out. I went on my knees and begged him not to hurt me anymore because I had a feeling that the relationship was not over. I gave him a number of opportunities to call it off with / tell me.

i. Thursday just gone, getting to the point where evidence did not confirm that the relationship was over I rang her to ask where the relationship stood, (she is the mum of our daughters friend) to which she says it was not. We end up talking and he has also been lying to her. She said she was going to end it. He is cross at me for telling her the truth and I feel that he is very cross at me that their relationship is over. I asked him if he could chose he couldn't, I asked if he would like a divorce, he could not answer.

We have been married 15 years, together for 22 years. We have a 12 year old daughter and I worry about the affect this situation is having on her.

I love him very much, I have forgiven, I can forgive, I do not want a divorce, I want to stand by my marriage vows and Gods word about marriage but I know that trust is going to be a real problem. In actual fact the damage will probably make it very hard to trust again. He is not a Christian and he is very very angry at life. He is not the man I married. Money appears to be his God at the minute. I am so very confused as what to do for the best.

He blames me because during my mini mid life crisis I made him feel unwanted and rejected, he tells me that I make him unhappy and that anything he does is never enough I always want more. Obviously there are 2 sides to the story.

I have been praying for the last 10 months that he will find God and turn his life to him. I want my husband back, I want my marriage. But I am unsure what Gods plan is for me. My heart breaks everyday.

I am sorry for the lengthy message, but I would appreciate any thoughts you may have.

 

[DZoolander]

You've got a mess on your hands.

No advice. Sometimes a mess is just a mess.

 

[DZoolander]

Can you explain your title, though? I don't understand what you're getting at when you say "love vs. trust".

What do you mean?

 

[HurtbutHopeful2699]

I feel that to a certain extent it is a choice between love and trust I. E. staying in the marriage because I love him and believe in my marriage vows but I don't know if I would ever trust him again and therefore what is a marriage without trust.

Like you sadly say and I so painfully hear... it is a mess. And I don't know how to stop being on this emotional roller coaster.

 

[DZoolander]

Don't you think, though, that what you "love" ought to be what the person is and what they do?

...and if that person is not trustworthy, what exactly is it that you love?

 

[HurtbutHopeful2699]

I love the person he used to be before whatever is consuming him consumed him. And after 22 years, since being 19 loving him isn't something I can just let go of.

However, your comment certainly gives me food for thought. Thank you.

 

[DZoolander]

 

[Hetta]

IMO, I would recommend separation and counseling. Let him spend at least a year in counseling while you are counseled separately, and then marriage counseling together. If he doesn't make progress then, he never will.

 

[bp88]

I know where you're at. My wife and I (second marriage, three years) have been battling over a lot of things, including a "friend" that she told me she was having an affair with, then told me it was a lie to see if I'd get jealous and fight for her. That was a year ago. I demanded she cut off the friendship, she said she wouldn't and I didn't have a right to be controlling her friends. She finally came clean on Halloween ther she was having an emotional affair, but no sex. This morning she admitted to sex, but she is begging me to work it out. As my first wife cheated on me, and I told her at the beginning of our dating that that was one thing I just didn't have the strength to forgive because I knew I would doubt forever afterward, I have decided it needs to be over. (There are significant other issues rooted in her extreme lack of self control in finances and anger as well.)

You need to pray, and soul search whether you are secure enough to live through the doubt and trust. I know I am not, and suspect that any rules of behavior I attempt to set (in accordance with normal Christian recovery models after adultery) would be agreed to now in desperation, then angrily tossed aside as controlling in a week, a month, two months at max.

Will he submit to rules and boundaries that help you build your trust? Can you handle the doubts? Those two questions will be the root of your decision, imo.

 

[ValleyGal]

People need to start taking responsibility for their feelings. You did not "make" him feel unloved. You may have influenced him to choose that attitude, but you certainly didn't make him feel unloved. If he was feeling unloved, it was his responsibility to turn towards you, to talk with you about how he was feeling and see how the two of you could work that out. Instead, he chose to let the "unloving" feelings consume him and then as a result, he chose to seek that loving feeling elsewhere.

Now he "blames" you for destroying his affair. Well, good for you! You destroyed the thing that destroyed your marriage. You fought to keep the bad (affair) out of your marriage. Good for you! He messed up. He should be thanking you, and he should be working very hard to earn your trust. If he isn't, my guess is that he is not invested in saving it.

In the meantime, you can do something about your own role in the breakdown of the marriage. For example, if you took his commitment for granted which you felt gave you permission to get cranky, reject him, or otherwise mistreat him during your mini-crisis, then you should examine your heart, take stock of exactly what you have specifically done to hurt him, then you should practice making amends. Once you have practiced enough that you have no excuses, no justifications, no blame, no rationalizing, etc....then go and make your amends in person. Do not simply say "I'm sorry I hurt you." Instead, get specific. "I'm sorry I said _____. I can understand how that would have hurt you, and I have no excuse. Please forgive me." Once you have made your amend, do not expect him to respond, do not expect him to respond positively, and do not expect him to reciprocate and make amends of his own.

Making a good amend is taking responsibility only for you, and "ruining" his affair is protecting your marriage and nothing to be sorry about. Both of these actions show good boundaries. Having good boundaries also means allowing him to learn boundaries of his own - taking responsibility for his own actions, decisions, feelings, attitudes, etc.

My heart goes out to you while you try to sort things out and hopefully save your marriage. It is not an easy place to be....

 

[HurtbutHopeful2699]

Hetta, thank you. When we last spoke he said he now considers us as separated. I start counselling on Wednesday but he will not go. I hear very little from him. I miss him every day. I am totally hurt to the core and have cried most days since February. It appears that he does not care as he seems to be quite happy living his life freely.

 

[HurtbutHopeful2699]

Bp88, I am so sorry to hear that you have just been given this shocking news. You are very brave in being able to make your decision. A decision which torments me every day and sometimes am unable to concentrate on anything else other than what am I going to do. I am dreading the first Christmas without him.

I find it very hard to comprehend how another person can intentionally go out to hurt their spouse in such a devastating way. It certainly has destroyed my life.

I wish you lots of everything you need to get through this. Take care of yourself x

 

[sdmsanjose]

Trust is a very vital part of marital love.
Without trust you will have one leg missing from a three legged stool.

 

[HurtbutHopeful2699]

ValleyGal, thank you so much for words that I needed to hear as I do feel guilty for ending his affair! I know deep down that I shouldn't but I do.

Since February (before I found out and the short period after I found out the first time) I have given everything to my marriage and apologised to him for the mistakes I have made as God showed them to me. I have sent texts and emails telling him how much I love him, am proud of him for his achievements at work and at what he does to provide for his family. All to which has had no positive response or even any response at all which has left me feeling extremely rejected. Unfortunately he has not apologised for the way he has made me feel over the years and the apology after I first found out about the affair did not feel remorseful and when I recently found out the apology I have had is that he is sorry that he has messed up my life.

Neither of us know who he has become. It is very hard to see a man that I have loved for 22 years become someone I do not know.

I feel that I have done everything that I can to fight for my marriage. And I still want to fight but know it cannot be a one way street. Looking at it on paper I guess I just need to leave him to it. And as the saying goes if you love someone let them go and if they come back to you then you will know that they want to be with you or something like that.

I suppose the only problem is is that I don't think he will come back. And living with that reality and living without him in my life as my spouse is extremely hard and terribly emotional.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and words. They are much appreciated. X

 

[HurtbutHopeful2699]

Sdmsanjose, thank you and I totally agree but is love more important? I am not sure. Can you have one without the other?

 

[sdmsanjose]

Trust is a very vital part of marital love.
Without trust you will have one leg missing from a three legged stool.

By HurtButHopeful
Sdmsanjose, thank you and I totally agree but is love more important? I am not sure. Can you have one without the other?

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I define love as:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]First Corinthians 13[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT] 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

By HurtButHopeful
He blames me because during my mini mid life crisis I made him feel unwanted and rejected, he tells me that I make him unhappy and that anything he does is never enough I always want more.

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Because your husband kept records of the wrongs he says you did in your mid-life crises, he uses that as an excuse to be SELF seeking and sin against God and violate the trust that is vital in a marriage. He dishonored you, his children, God, and his marriage. Your husband delighted in the evils of adultery and does not rejoice in the truth and your husband did not protect the trust that you had in him.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Now there is no doubt that you husband has shattered the trust in your marriage but he has also violated most of the definition of love as the scriptures state.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]In your case, now that I have examined it more, the three legged stool that I talked about does not appear to have any legs. So to answer your question of “is love more important?” I would say that after he broke trust if he was doing all the other parts of love defined above then he would be a two legged stool. Because he has failed at almost every one of the characteristics of love I would say that he has very little or no love to compare to trust.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

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[mkgal1]

Sdmsanjose, thank you and I totally agree but is love more important? I am not sure. Can you have one without the other?

I don't see how you can separate the two (love and trust)---trust is a necessary aspect of love (relational love). Some people have tried to do that with "respect" as well. I just don't see how any of that can be taken away.

Think of the "love chapter" and what all it says love is (trust and respect are all wrapped up in love). Another way of looking at it (and I'd heard this about the Fruit of the Spirit) is that all the attributes listed are descriptions of the same one thing---kind of like describing an apple. In describing an apple....you could say it's crisp; juicy on the inside; sweet; etc.....but you're still describing one thing--an apple. You know what I mean?

We can "love" our enemies---but that's different than having a day-in-day-out relationship with them (especially different than living with them). Right? There are different degrees of love---some people we are closer to (and trust them more). Even Jesus seemed to have closer relationships with Peter, John, and James than He did with the other disciples. Our spouse *should* be the one that's closest to us---the one that's naturally the one we trust the most (we've promised our life to them). Without trust---that's missing a vital part of what's necessary for a relationship.

 

[Hetta]

Hetta, thank you. When we last spoke he said he now considers us as separated. I start counselling on Wednesday but he will not go. I hear very little from him. I miss him every day. I am totally hurt to the core and have cried most days since February. It appears that he does not care as he seems to be quite happy living his life freely.

Stay in counseling and work on you. Whether he comes back or not, and reforms or not, you deserve to be healthy and whole. I am sorry for your pain.

 

[mkgal1]

I agree with Hetta. Stay in counseling for yourself--you deserve to be healthy and whole at the end of all of this. I'm praying for you through the process.

 

[sdmsanjose]

HurtButHopeful
I hope you take Hetta and MKgal’s post serious because you need help. Your husband does not have much to offer a marriage partner right now and has damaged your marriage. I hope that he gets turned around because he is in deep trouble in the area of what he has to offer a wife.

You need to know that you are loveable and your husband cannot be trusted right now to provide that for you. Look at God to know you are loveable because He will never betray you. You just cannot depend on your husband to build you up but God is always faithful to His promises.

I know that God made man and woman to be together but when one fractures the marriage and will not follow God’s way to reconcile and make things better then God will be enough for you to have a good life with or without your husband.