Hi there,
I am having a problem right now ... I will give you some of the backstory.
I am 32 years old and the last 10 years I've been sick with schizophrenia. After bad suffering at first I got some good medicine and now I am ok to the extent that I can lead my life even when I can't hold a full time job.
Of these 10 years I spent much time in a delusional love obsession with a woman from South America. I live in Germany. In march I had a good long talk with a counselor and she was able to make me understand that the relationship (if it can be called such, we were never together in real life= was delusional. I was able to pull out of it and became single again.
In the same time there were some changes in my life. In one or two months I will move out this house where I currently live with my mom, and move into my own appartment again. I have lived alone before and I know I can handle everything. I get support from the german state from whom I get a kind of disability grant / SSI income, so I am financially independent although my mother often buys something for me or gives me some extra money. But I can get by on my own.
So in winter I thought I will remain a celibate single. It seemed the most easy and wise decision. I am a bit of an oddball who likes to be alone with the computer or with a book or with a movie. Sometimes I crave to be with a woman, but it's not too bad, I can handle it. I used to have longings for romantic love but these have lessened too over the years.
Then in March, right after I decided to let go of the obsession, I met a new person in my life, a christian lady from Pakistan. I liked everything about her, and to my own surprise, I fell in love with her and she with me. We began talking every day and we had dreams from God which seemed to say, become a couple, I will bless you. This woman, I will call her Lucy here, is very kind and lovely, but she also has a bit of a temper. She lives in Pakistan, but is one of the local christians there. We began talking of marriage quickly. I am not rich so I will have to save money first but Lucy doesn't mind and wants to wait.
At first I was very delighted with this and also felt that God is calling me here. We had some really nice chats, exchanged letters, I sent a package. My mother is a bit warier than me but doesn't say no, same Lucy's family.
But for some days now I feel drawn to my old style of life, ie sitting at the computer, in the net or playing computer games. I still enjoy chatting with Lucy but I often feel pulled to wish she would not want to chat so much. I slip into dreaming of being on my own again.
For much of my life I have loved to be alone, since I was a little kid. I guess it's a habit that comes from the fact that as a kid I always had to play a lone. And I have this fanatical love for computer games, it's almost an autistic trait for me.
I don't want to call off this relationship, particularly since God has a hand in it. But what can I do against this pull into my old life that I feel? I haven't told Lucy anything about this, sometimes when we chat I feel like a hypocrite. For example, when we have a moment of silence in chat Lucy often asks me what I am thinking. And I always say the truth although I don't say everything. Lucy is very passionate but I don't feel like that, even though in the first month of our chatting I was passionate too.
My idea of partnership is much like my parents and my sisters and my best friend have it. IE, real love but also a degree of freedom and that I can pursue my hobbies etc. But Lucy can be very demanding time-wise and gets unhappy when I say I want do something else. Once she asked me what I was thinking and I said I was thinking of ex-christians (not that I want to leave our faith but I just read a website of an exchristian and I had to think of it, randomly). Lucy got mad and began weeping that when we were chatting I was thinking of someone else than her. I didn't understand at all and became a bit upset, I told her I found this unfair. But apparently it goes against her idea of love. She says she wants to be with me all the time when we marry. Like, 24/7.
Otherwise we get along well.
But now I feel afraid a bit of this whole thing. Also, Lucy worries much and I can't seem to help her effectively. And she wants us to lead a comfortable life with more money than I am used to. Basically, I will have to get a job again. She will get a job too once she is here for a while and speaks the language and everything.
I still don't want to call this off, I trust God that things will work out in time. But I am a bit unhappy right now and would like to request some advice. I know that my old life when I was in love with solitude doesn't really add up, we shall live life together. And it was always a selfish solitude, it's not like I gave the lot of time that I had to God.
I'm not sure now how to continue.
Thank you for any advice.
I am having a problem right now ... I will give you some of the backstory.
I am 32 years old and the last 10 years I've been sick with schizophrenia. After bad suffering at first I got some good medicine and now I am ok to the extent that I can lead my life even when I can't hold a full time job.
Of these 10 years I spent much time in a delusional love obsession with a woman from South America. I live in Germany. In march I had a good long talk with a counselor and she was able to make me understand that the relationship (if it can be called such, we were never together in real life= was delusional. I was able to pull out of it and became single again.
In the same time there were some changes in my life. In one or two months I will move out this house where I currently live with my mom, and move into my own appartment again. I have lived alone before and I know I can handle everything. I get support from the german state from whom I get a kind of disability grant / SSI income, so I am financially independent although my mother often buys something for me or gives me some extra money. But I can get by on my own.
So in winter I thought I will remain a celibate single. It seemed the most easy and wise decision. I am a bit of an oddball who likes to be alone with the computer or with a book or with a movie. Sometimes I crave to be with a woman, but it's not too bad, I can handle it. I used to have longings for romantic love but these have lessened too over the years.
Then in March, right after I decided to let go of the obsession, I met a new person in my life, a christian lady from Pakistan. I liked everything about her, and to my own surprise, I fell in love with her and she with me. We began talking every day and we had dreams from God which seemed to say, become a couple, I will bless you. This woman, I will call her Lucy here, is very kind and lovely, but she also has a bit of a temper. She lives in Pakistan, but is one of the local christians there. We began talking of marriage quickly. I am not rich so I will have to save money first but Lucy doesn't mind and wants to wait.
At first I was very delighted with this and also felt that God is calling me here. We had some really nice chats, exchanged letters, I sent a package. My mother is a bit warier than me but doesn't say no, same Lucy's family.
But for some days now I feel drawn to my old style of life, ie sitting at the computer, in the net or playing computer games. I still enjoy chatting with Lucy but I often feel pulled to wish she would not want to chat so much. I slip into dreaming of being on my own again.
For much of my life I have loved to be alone, since I was a little kid. I guess it's a habit that comes from the fact that as a kid I always had to play a lone. And I have this fanatical love for computer games, it's almost an autistic trait for me.
I don't want to call off this relationship, particularly since God has a hand in it. But what can I do against this pull into my old life that I feel? I haven't told Lucy anything about this, sometimes when we chat I feel like a hypocrite. For example, when we have a moment of silence in chat Lucy often asks me what I am thinking. And I always say the truth although I don't say everything. Lucy is very passionate but I don't feel like that, even though in the first month of our chatting I was passionate too.
My idea of partnership is much like my parents and my sisters and my best friend have it. IE, real love but also a degree of freedom and that I can pursue my hobbies etc. But Lucy can be very demanding time-wise and gets unhappy when I say I want do something else. Once she asked me what I was thinking and I said I was thinking of ex-christians (not that I want to leave our faith but I just read a website of an exchristian and I had to think of it, randomly). Lucy got mad and began weeping that when we were chatting I was thinking of someone else than her. I didn't understand at all and became a bit upset, I told her I found this unfair. But apparently it goes against her idea of love. She says she wants to be with me all the time when we marry. Like, 24/7.
Otherwise we get along well.
But now I feel afraid a bit of this whole thing. Also, Lucy worries much and I can't seem to help her effectively. And she wants us to lead a comfortable life with more money than I am used to. Basically, I will have to get a job again. She will get a job too once she is here for a while and speaks the language and everything.
I still don't want to call this off, I trust God that things will work out in time. But I am a bit unhappy right now and would like to request some advice. I know that my old life when I was in love with solitude doesn't really add up, we shall live life together. And it was always a selfish solitude, it's not like I gave the lot of time that I had to God.
I'm not sure now how to continue.
Thank you for any advice.
