I'm wondering about BPD

[godismystrength1]

So, I know labels can be misdiagnosed and often are due to human error. I have always been against or fear the label BPD, it sets off thinking about my mother who was diagnosed with it, with multiple suicide attempts when I was very young, and then became psychotic. Now she is displaying very schizophrenic behaviors. Does that write me off as one? My therapist doesn't think so.

She started me on DBT and then I grew frustrated as did she--and I'm switching therapists by her recommendation. She thinks she "doesn't get me" or something or that this other person would be better who is older, apparently.

I was diagnosed at sixteen with paranoid schizophrenia after severe mixed episodes. But they were very brief, which left me one minute irrational and then in a calmer setting--sane and fine but this was missed by the doctors.
So I'm wondering if my behavior and environment played a key role in the development of hallucinations and deluded thoughts.

My psychiatrist says I have Bipolar or an Affective disorder now. TBH, my moods have been stable for a long time on medication. They never change, so is an affective disorder supposed to be better?

My secret: I often try to explain where no one understands. I feel that the diagnosis and treatment has caused me to behave and psychosomatically imitate a schizophrenic person in the past. This belief is based on the fact there were any psychological triggers to each episode, until the last where i withdrew from my medication. It took over a year before my parents hospitalized me, for mania not psychosis--but they lied about my behavior to get me on medications.

Isn't that messed up? I didn't want to be on them. I was manic and erratic at times, then calm at others. Does that sound like Bipolar or BPD?

The missing component is the mood element. I am not "moody" prior to my outbursts in the past, I am dysphoric, confused, irritable or disconnected.

The only time I ever felt manic was induced by ODing on diet pills and caffeine, or when I took Strattera at over 60 mgs or something....

I'm trying to figure out why I obsess and obsess and try to fix myself and try to figure myself out all the time, why I have poor interpersonal relationships....
On Abilify I never hallucinate or anything schizophrenic.

That's also possibly a placebo effect or psychosomatic. Could it be?

So it's not affective, because it's not mood related and yet Abilify cures all my symptoms yet is the weakest anti-psychotic. sure it's also prescribed for depression and bipolar, but how am I sure I am depressed either?

 

[godismystrength1]

I guess there's no easy explanation. I just wish there was. I want a rational reason for things, not all this up in the air stuff. I haven't regressed, went to college, etc. and proved to my doctors finally that I wasn't a different person and that I was often more upset in the doctor's office than at home. I also tended to embellish my problems seeking explanations for them. I tend to get manic on SSRI's and anti-depressants, is this my faulty chemistry or their crappy medications?

But the funny thing is, I was on 30 mgs of Vyvanse which is like Adderall, it's a dopamine agonist. I think they put me on it to prove I wasn't schizophrenic, but didn't tell me that.

Well I never really became psychotic. But on 30 mgs I did get more manic, and then paranoid briefly before the fear was explained and i actually got some sleep. But I'd keep getting bouts of brief psychosis from Vyvanse off and on, it would last like 10-30 minutes, usually between doses.

Does that mean anything? i've read it causes organic psychosis in normal people. I quit it btw.

 

[anonym00s]

I got lost in your posts, where are you going with all this? It seems as though you are in a sea of medication prescriptions and pyschological terminology. Does it really matter what exactly you are diagnosed as?