I'm so hurt

[hollymarie1122]

Day before yesterday my husband told me he wouldn't be home after work (he works graveyard so he gets off at 6 am though he dosen't get home till like 10) he said he was going to go help our youth pastor move. I said fine but please don't stay gone all day because I want to spend the evening (new years eve) with him while he was AWAKE. So I got off of work yesterday at 3:30 and he was sleeping, which was fine as long as he woke up for dinner. I told him hi and got no response so just let him sleep then someone from our church called (Neil is the sound tech but is greatly letting himself be OVER used) well he got RIGTH UP for that and talked for about 20 minutes, when he got off the phone I asked him what he wanted for dinner, my mother usually cookes but she wasn't feeling to well. He said he dosen't care (my pet peeve with him) so I said "do you want me to order a pizza or something mom isn't feeling good and I am really tired from a hard day at work" he says, anything but pizza I already had it today. I returned with "must be nice" now a litte background on that, EVERY TIME some one gets something the other one dosent the reply is "it must be nice' he says it ALLLLLL THE TIME and I don't think he was or ever is being "mean" about it and neither was I was joking JUST LIKE HE DOES. Well he got a REALLY MEAN tone and said/yelled "YOU KNOW WHAT......NEVER MIND" I said What what do have to say. he said,"NEVER MIND I SAID NEVER MIND" then rolled over (on the couch) and back to sleep he went, it is now 6:30pm he got home around 2:30 or 3. well he then NEVER WOKE UP ALL NIGHT, I will admit the way he spoke to me upset me this is not the first time he gets that angry with me and he talks like that, it made me cry again which again is nothing real new. well I went to bed at 10:30there was no use waiting to spend time with him while he was sleeping on the couch. so I went I read my nightly passage from the purpose driven life watched a show and decided that NOTHING was gonig to happen between us until we talked. Well TO MY SUPRISE (not) at 2 in the morning he comes to bed all rubbing on me saying hunny come here, I say no, he says come her, I say I'm tired (which I AM I HAD A LONG HARD DAY AT WORK and 4 kids to take care of alone all night because he couldn't come home on time and sleep) well he wouldn't stop so I finally gave in because it kept running through my mind that a wife shouldn't deny her body to her husband, so very reluctently I just rolled over let him have his way then I went back to bed. This morning he was getting ready for work (he got called to work the day shifts this weekend (which are his days off) and I said " Neil I think I need an apology to feel better about last night" he said "why" I said " I said something to you that you say to everyone I wasn't being mean I was joking and it made me cry the way you spoke to me" he said" well every time I say I had something you didn't you get all ****y attitude with me" I said "I was joking just like you do" he siad "it didn't sound like joking" and left. That was the end of our conversation. I am hurt, I mean I know he gets angry easy and he yells and slams doors sometimes, he has been known to get so mad at the computer to hit the key board hard enough to break it but he wouldn't even apologize to me. I don't think I am asking for advice becasue well it won't help at this point, but please someone tell me I am not alone. OH and he is saved!

 

[hollymarie1122]

I guess I should have let more of the story in, he is GONE all the time he workd 10pm-6am then stays at the gym (where he works) till around 10. when he comes home sometimes he does something around the house like garbage. maybe change a diaper if he HAS to he is at church on 2x's on sunday on wednesday night adn on thursday nights, which means he has to leave home 4 1/2 hours early then he has to be there for every function or any service, can't ride with us as we don't know when he will be done he has to be there 3 hours early on sundays and 1 hour before every other service. he is always taking extra shifts at work, and yes hes saved but you wouldn't know it from his actions. I love this man but I am so tired of me and the kids coming last to EVERYTHING else!

 

[GirlieGirl]

Did you marry a guy who wants to be married?

It does sound like his priorities are all out of whack. Marriage should be the first ministry that a husband and wife devote their time to.

 

[okiemommy26]

Huggs i just read this in the womens discussion lol and i decided to post here about it because i had to have time to think lol and i came over here to check out some post. I think you do need to have a long heart to heart talk. Yeah he probably will get defensive but tell him for the sake of the marriage you guys need to talk period. I will be praying for you both.

 

[hollymarie1122]

I know we need to talk I just want to do it without starting out with him all offensive

 

[heartnsoul]

I agree with the above posts. A man cannot be the best example of a godly man if he does not first take care of his family at home. Kids grow up so fast and before you know it, time has slipped away from your husband he will have lost those golden moments with them and *you*.

My husband and I have seen too many people who devote *too* much time to their churches at the expense of their families--to the point that their family ends up being neglected and the children grow up like orphans. It's very sad. Think about it this way...if Jesus was in the flesh here today and had a wife and children, do you think he would spend excessive time away from home? I would venture to say "absolutely not." He would probably spend a lot of time worshipping at home with his family and then schedule his outside activities as second priority to his family.

When people get too caught up in church, hobbies, jobs, etc... and neglect priorities such as family, then they have missed the *big* picture. I respect your husband's commitment to his work. That is wonderful he is responsible to earn a living for his family. I think it would be reasonable and fair for you to ask him to cut back on his time at church and spend more quality time at home with you and the kids. Communication is crucial to nipping this problem in the bud so your marriage can get better before it gets worse. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that things get brighter for you so you can smile more and cry less. May God bless your marriage.

 

[heartnsoul]

I know we need to talk I just want to do it without starting out with him all offensive

You're right. The best thing to do is find a good time to talk to him. Give him the choice to tell you when it's the best time for you two to talk. Then when you do talk to him, try not to point the finger at him but maybe say *I* statements like, "When you spend a lot of time away from home, I miss you and feel neglected. I also feel overwhelmed sometimes taking care of the kids all day and need a break sometimes. I value our marriage and love you enough to want us to work things out instead of just divorcing. I realize we are going through tough times right now with your job hours, commitments at church, and raising four children together. Do you have any suggestions on how we can spend more time together? I have some ideas and would like to share them with you."

As long as you use "I" statements, he will not feel like you're blaming him for anything. Hope that helps. Big hugs to you!

 

[Jenna]

It sounds like he was tired and wasn't capable of evaluating the situation properly. One way to maybe keep this kind of thing from happening might be for your both to agree not to say things like "it must be nice" when one gets something and the other doesn't. Given many motivators, it could be taken in a way that it wasn't intended. It just seems like something that begs to start arguments or hurt feelings.

Your husband sure does have a lot on his plate, and it doesn't sound like it is working to the best benefit of your family. He may not be aware of the way that you are longing after his time and attention. Not all guys identify with those types of feelings. I think that if I were in that type of position, I would stress the importance of a healthy marriage on the lives of everyone within the family, and how it shapes the lives of your children. For everyone to be happy and productive at home, church, and out in the world, there has to be peace within the home. So, in not making a special effort to take care of your emotional needs, he is actually standing in the way of his efforts to be useful within the church. Things will only last so long before someone snaps under the pressure of unhappiness.

Lastly, I know that having funky shifts (and especially working nights) can be real hard on the body. What seems like a suitable amount of sleep to one person is not always enough to someone else. He may have been more willing to get the phone because no one wants to seem like an ogre to folks at church. They expect that since your family knows the situation more, they will understand if you are feeling too exhausted to want to move.... or even crack an eyelid. lol It doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt your feelings, especially since in his own guy way, he tried to give you time and affection later on that night. It sounds as though he is trying, and maybe you aren't seeing that.

Have a blessed New Year.

 

[hollymarie1122]

It sounds like he was tired and wasn't capable of evaluating the situation properly. One way to maybe keep this kind of thing from happening might be for your both to agree not to say things like "it must be nice" when one gets something and the other doesn't. Given many motivators, it could be taken in a way that it wasn't intended. It just seems like something that begs to start arguments or hurt feelings.

Your husband sure does have a lot on his plate, and it doesn't sound like it is working to the best benefit of your family. He may not be aware of the way that you are longing after his time and attention. Not all guys identify with those types of feelings. I think that if I were in that type of position, I would stress the importance of a healthy marriage on the lives of everyone within the family, and how it shapes the lives of your children. For everyone to be happy and productive at home, church, and out in the world, there has to be peace within the home. So, in not making a special effort to take care of your emotional needs, he is actually standing in the way of his efforts to be useful within the church. Things will only last so long before someone snaps under the pressure of unhappiness.

Lastly, I know that having funky shifts (and especially working nights) can be real hard on the body. What seems like a suitable amount of sleep to one person is not always enough to someone else. He may have been more willing to get the phone because no one wants to seem like an ogre to folks at church. They expect that since your family knows the situation more, they will understand if you are feeling too exhausted to want to move.... or even crack an eyelid. lol It doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt your feelings, especially since in his own guy way, he tried to give you time and affection later on that night. It sounds as though he is trying, and maybe you aren't seeing that.

Have a blessed New Year.

.
I would tend to agree with you if this was the first time, but its not, not even near teh frist time. He is like this all the time, with me, with the kids. He is a great guy when he is trying to be. I love my husband and I want to talk to him about this I am just worried about his reaction I know using I statements, but again this isn't even the first time I have tried to talk to him and when I tried to talk to him this last time all I got was attitude and a well if you don't understand what its like then oh well. I plan on trying that is all I can say!

 

[2lplvr]

From my experience, the emotions expressed to me were really about other stuff and if your dh is working that much, he probably feels safer letting off steam in your direction than somewhere else. Not at all the right thing to do, but it happens. I would start by letting him know that you understand the stress he is under and that you want to help him with that. Ask him if the anger he expresses is because you have done something or if it is just how he is feeling about other things. If it is you, then ask him to elaborate so you can work on it together (practically logically without all the emotion) If it is something else, ask him to just say that is it not you and he just needs to express his feelings.
There are a couple of books that would be helpful if he would be willing to read them (I know time is at a premium for him) The Heart of Anger, it is actually a book written about children but it explains so much about how anger can take over an entire family. The other is called Point Man, it realy helped my dh reassess his priorities.

 

[hollymarie1122]

I would love to get him to read a book but just getting him to read his bible is like pulling out armpit hair! My plan is this evening to TALK to him and if it starts to turn into an argument AT ALL I am going to drop it and bring up the subject with our Pastor and let him take if from there, because like someone else said, men listen better to men!

 

[heartnsoul]

Holly, keep trying again and again until he responds. I hate to say this but if he keeps giving you an attitude, then you may have to get firm (tough love) with him. Tough love isn't pleasant, but the goal is to help the marriage. There have been a few times in my own marriage of 10 years where I had to stand my ground and say firmly to my husband, "Look, it takes two to make a marriage work. Both of us need to work together as a team. That is what a marriage is all about. So I want to work out our problems so BOTH us can be happy." Then maybe offer him a few of your ideas to solve the problem and see if he agrees with any of them. Chances are, if he's not talking, then he has some pent up anger. Sometimes men have a difficult time expressing themselves. He needs to be honest with you about his own feelings and let you know what he is feeling. I know you must be feeling a lot of pain and frustration right now because not only do you feel burnt out by taking care of your husband & the kids all day, but you are also feeling neglected. Take your pain to God in prayer and continue communicating to your husband. Also take comfort in knowing that God loves you and will help you through these struggles.

 

[ChristyP4Christ]

Sweetie maybe you should go and talk to your pastor and see if you guys can get some help. In the mean time pray and pray hard for him and also for yourself.
Satan loves to rip apart any marrage he can. You do need to talk with your husband, but try not to do it when you are both tired and over stressed. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[Jenna]

I do understand about insensitivity, lack of communication, and anger issues.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Sweetie maybe you should go and talk to your pastor and see if you guys can get some help. In the mean time pray and pray hard for him and also for yourself.

Yeah, if it's a good church, the pastor will recognize that your husband's service to his family should not be neglected for church activities.

 

[hollymarie1122]

I do plan on speaking to our pastor as I tried to talk to him tonite but the words were not there, but he did say that he wants to find another job, A DAY ONE! WHOO HOO this is a major thing in our home as when he works nights he sleeps all the time. He knows I love him and I know he loves me, we tell each other all the time and just so no one thinks this, I would NOT leave him because of this or even dream of it, we have both been divorced once and both have said OUT LOUD that no matter what we won't divorce adn that we would go to counseling TOGETHER before that ever even became an option. We did pre martial counseling for about 18 months before we got married.

 

[ChristyP4Christ]

Holly
Sweetie I think that is awesome that he is wanting to find another job, that could be a blessing, and I will pray that he will do just that and that God opens doors and supplies a great one for him.
I have learned over the years that marriage has its ups and downs sometimes just like our walk with the Lord. I will pray for a refreshing of your marriage and a fresh renewal....

 

[Henaynei]

I suggest talking to your pastor at church - I doubt that he would approve of your husband's priorities and might be someone to whom your husband would listen...... after all it is at that church where he is spending so much time away from his family -- btw - it sounds like your husband is running or hiding from something he does not want to face - and while it might *feel* like it is you and the family - in reality it is most likely himself.......