Fellowship I'm not a strong leader, and I'm an even weaker follower

[Healing with Jesus]

Hi friends

I am looking for fellowship in considering some aspects of my life that have been wearing on me lately. Mostly my marriage and home life, but it's got spiritual roots. Then again, if it's up to me, just about everything's got spiritual roots..

So let's start with the roots. I am a born-again Christian, praise the Lord. I was on quite a downward path, and I was one of those folks who had to pretty much hit rock-bottom to see the light. A lovely lady shared the source of her light with me, and though I never thought of myself as worthy of Jesus, she told me I could have Him as *my* savior. It still sounds too good to be true. Hallelujah. I took Him up on that offer and though I've stumbled more than a few times, it's been almost 10 years since that life-changing event.

My spiritual growth has been painful, which I suppose is the norm. Right after I became a Christian, I immediately cut all the "junk" out of my life--I did everything from abandoning fleshly sins and pleasures to regularly attending worship services, getting rid of material goods which I felt held my eyes/heart, etc. I even made the painful choice of forsaking friendships from my past that I feared would bring me back into dark choices. Looking back, I went a little overboard, and I hear that other new converts make similar choices.

I mean, I can't quite articulate the level to which I was on fire for the Lord. I was even considering becoming a nun. Like, I thought I was really ready to just abandon this earthly life and pursue full-time ministry.

Well. Then I met my future husband. We had an interesting start. By no fault of his, but by my own, I started to regress into some poor choices. Premarital involvements, mild substance use, etc. Nowhere near as bad as before I got saved. But once I was involved with him, I became entrenched. Where my initial goal was to help him further his walk with the Lord, as I saw/see him as a bit of a prodigal, I instead got swept up into our sin, into him. I had only been a Christian for a month, so I didn't have much for a root.

In addition to some poor lifestyle choices, there were other issues. He resented--I mean really resented--my past. And where I was sorrowful for it--and repentant--I could also see it all coming together for God to display his boundless grace through his salvation and justification of me. I also understood--and tried to explain to him--that my childhood and young adulthood were riddled with unsavory experiences: being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by my father; being sexually assaulted in college; etc. And never healing from or processing the damage these things do to a girl. My future husband (then boyfriend) didn't extend the grace to me, so I was left with a bizarre feeing of shame, knowing I wasn't good enough for him. Yet he didn't want to let me go, so I felt that I was in a strange place of emotional limbo.

I stuck it out, and here we are, nearly 10 years later, and I'm sad to say those beginnings really were a foundation for our relationship. My mom always warned me not to get pregnant while in college. I listened, and I graduated with much academic success, but I never got much guidance from anyone about who to share my body with, or why, or how... So we did get pregnant, amidst the ambience of distrust, and were unmarried.

I panicked. We had no way to financially provide for a family, as we were both jobless. And I didn't want to bring a child into the world without a properly bonded pair of parents. So what did we do? I got a temp job, and saved up some money. I've always been good at saving. Well my, then fiancée as he did propose to me, is more of a spender, and not a very wise one at that. Sigh. He came up with the idea of moving 10 hours away from our families. To pursue what? Economic stability? No. A better quality of life? Eh, depends who you ask. To pursue his love of the outdoors, to avoid his disgust for cities/suburbia, to be able to live a life where no one bothers him.

I have to say, I've come to appreciate the country lifestyle. I love small-town folks and the slower pace of life. It was a very hard adjustment for me, as I'd always been a city girl. But we got married and brought our first child into the world in a beautiful setting, albeit in poverty.

Unfortunately, we've been poor ever since then. A few years ago, we had another child, and are now expecting our third (and last, I think). Through all this, I've tried to make God the center of my life, but I have failed, pretty miserably. When I wasn't pregnant or nursing, I would fall back into mild substance use, and I was a wayward wife for a time. We even separated for quite a while because he was becoming emotionally abusive since he couldn't forgive my trespass (yet he didn't want to let me go). We got back together, he stopped drinking, and things have been stable... Though turning rather stagnant now.

I have known, through all this, deep down, I am not quite where God would like me to be. If I could see what it was and change it, I would immediately, but this is a partnership and all I can do is change myself.

Through all these years, I've been the sole financial provider. As you may imagine, this means I mostly call the shots as far as what we spend our money on. Which is good since my husband can be rather short-sighted. But I don't always "win," and often give in just so that we don't fight. For example, we just spent a bunch--I mean a bunch--of money on a brand new computer and cell phone for him. Not for work, by the way. For leisure. He could've made do with a $10 flip phone, well no he couldn't, and I couldn't take the complaining anymore. Credit card debt upon debt debt debt. It is so stressful for me. It's all in my name.

I had a pretty tough upbringing and have had a somewhat bizarre, co-dependent relationship with my mom. So when we moved away years ago, I was a little relieved to be starting from scratch. My husband invited my mom to move here, and after years of bugging her, she did. Now she has a career here. But now he wants to move to another state because he likes the laws better. The state we're in was initially an improvement from our home state, but now it's just not good enough... My mom said for us to go where we want.

Well I tell you what, my friends. I don't know what I want! I've never known what I want. Can you see that my entire life I've been here to help other people? To please them. Even at my own expense. Well I am getting tired. I am quite pregnant and I want to be in a house already. We're living in the same, pardon, but the same shabby rental we've been in for over 5 years. It's falling apart, we have no sustainable income. My job is ending this month and what's my husband doing? Looking for work? No. He's playing video games.

Just the sound of him pressing the keys is enough to make me want to cry. But I'm too angry to cry. I'm just so upset that I married a boy.

I just want to be one of those obedient Christian wives. You know... The ones who do all the homemaking and child-rearing while the husband goes out to work and busts his butt. I've never had that. I just want to say "lead me honey," but I'm not sure it would be in a healthy direction. He's talking about getting minimum wage jobs, and this is a tradesman. He's just leaving his trade behind because, at the end of the day, it's too much bs for him.

Also, just the standard disclaimers. I am in therapy to help me process my traumatic past. I have been for years, and I wish it helped more. My husband won't do couples counseling because I've been horrible during it in the past. Can't blame him there. I'm not in a church family because I live in an insular community with very few churches and they're all strongly cessationalist. And yes, I need all the prayer I can get.

Much love, and thank you for reading

 

[Rodo7777777]

Everyone has problems, and it makes our hearts ache to read about them. I am a man, so I can relate to most of what you said, but not all of it.

I was born into a violent family, gun shots in the house, running from my father at 3-4 years old, as he came at me with knife.

Life was a hardship until I met Jesus, then I went into a spiritual wilderness for 40 years.

Now I have learned to REST and TRUST Him (by His miraculous intervention) long story.

So I said that to say this....

IF YOU CAN... No matter what is going on, talk to Him as if He is laying beside you, your so close you can see into His eyes (that is the picture in your mind)... Now just talk to Him, tell Him everything, nothing is off limits, but you MUST be brutally honest, hold nothing back...

Now determine in your heart, that he is NOT a liar, and He is with you, and you trust Him..

Then watch what He will do for you.

 

[macek]

Praying for you and your family, sister. Lean on Jesus shoulder and ask Him for guidance in this. Ask Him to move your husband's heart so he will find in himself to forgive and be healed of his resentment. Ask Jesus to move your husband's heart so he may grow in His word and mature to be a responsible husband and a proper father in His eyes.

Do you and your family pray at home? If not consider setting up prayer meetings everyday if possible and read the Holy scripture together. You have a lot on your plate, sister. With your patience and love and with His aid your husband and your children will grow in Him. Father i call upon blessings for this family, heal their hearts and comfort them with Your love in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

 

[Healing with Jesus]

Thank you both for your kindness. I keep hoping that something will change, but it hasn't yet. Praying that the Lord leads me to develop patience as this trial wears on, lest it turn into bitterness and resentment...

I must confess that I have had a negative attitude about my life lately. I've been very frustrated, and I've been carrying around a long list of complaints. And I just pray that I can be joyful in these circumstances, even if they don't change.

We don't really pray at home. Every once in a while, I will ask my husband to pray with me. He is spiritually lukewarm, at best. I know he believes--or he says he does--but he doesn't practice much. I can't judge him. I'm not spiritually mature by any means. My only saving grace is that the Lord usually keeps me from falling too far, by knocking me down every so often. Then I'll realize how thirsty I am, and I will seek Him. It's not by any obedience of my own... God gave it to me.

Anyway, I always feel odd asking him, because it's like me taking his hand and trying to pull him up a steep hill. Perhaps I should continue to trudge on and not grow weary, if the Spirit equips me to. It is just an odd position to be in, as a woman. I don't want to lead too much, and I have let my desire for my husband to lead our family keep me as a backseat driver who goes nowhere...

I agree that it is a matter of becoming more reliant on God. I am feeling disconnected since I lack a church family. I stumbled when I connected to a family before, in that I talked more with them about my troubles than I did with my own husband. It was during that time when I was immersed in that culture that I decided to leave my husband. The pastor's wife had a testimony about leaving her previous husband, who have been similarities to my husband, and perhaps I wanted to make it my own story too.

Since leaving this group, and then hitting rock bottom as a single mom with no support, I feel I almost have a sort of post-church traumatic stress disorder, and I am afraid to become part of a religious community again. It was like, it became out of my control. Once people saw that I should leave my relationship, it was almost like it was no longer my choice anymore. Ugh. I'm sorry. I don't want to blame them. It was my own fault for feeling compelled, my own fault for sharing too much in the first place. Everyone did it out of their own sense of trying to help me do what they saw as best for me. But it was a very forceful community, when the sum of the will of the members converged.

I am hesitant to join a fellowship again, since then. It's like, a herd mentality, you know. And once the ball gets rolling, it's so hard to stop. I could write a short book on it, there were many dynamics underpinning the current in this church, many of which I still don't understand. It's just, every week, I'd ask for prayer, and once it became public, it wasn't in my own domain anymore. The compulsion factor was too strong for me.

I've been a servant of Jesus' for almost ten years, but I am still weak, very very weak. Weak, as He would have me be, so I do not become strong and rely on myself. So I am hoping to join up with other injured lambs, who have been hurt and beaten, not just by the world, but by their own choices. Lambs who speak softly enough so that they can hear the voice of their Shepherd.

One day, I pray, it will happen for me, God willing... that I will find a community like this. And, if not, then, if God so equips me, I will create such a community, and many injured lambs will be nursed to health... and in our weakness, that we will become strong enough to testify of the power of the blood of Jesus.