So, you are feeling like you want to leave all this behind. You want to go to heaven and be with Jesus who you believe loves you. (HE DOES!) You want the pain you keep enduring to end. You want to go home, because what you have now doesn't feel like home, it feels like a battlefield. Have I got that right? If so, then don't feel like you are the only one who ever feels or felt that way. Don't think you are weird or kooky or some other nasty thing someone decides to throw at you.
You have a bad case of homesickness. You want to be with God, in the place He has prepared for you. Even Paul felt this way, remember he said for me to die is gain? You are not alone.
You do have from what you have said, a miserable situation. Your mom likes the bottle, your dad is distant. How could that not affect your self esteem and how could it not make you feel worth less than you actually are. Your parents don't seem to want to have much to do with you, nor do they take care of you. Well, I think your parents are wrong, but like my parents they are probably doing pretty much the best they can with their brokenness and how they are selfishly wrapped up in their own things.
You deserve better. We all deserve, simply by being born, to have parents who love us and who do not have broken places in themselves. We are created in God's own image. But alas, there is that matter of the fall. We are born broken. We are tripartite (sp?) beings of body,soul and spirit, but we are born with a dead spirit that does not know God. We are crippled. Only God can make our spirits alive by using all of Himself, in Christ, to make it live by that substitution on the Cross. He gives us the Holy Spirit, again all of Himself, to enliven our spirit. We are only complete in Him, little sister.
You have accepted Christ, you have the Holy Spirit. You have us who don't know your name, but who are praying for you. You have your intelligence to help you work on your self talk. You have God Himself, who is looking out for you and who is doing a work in you that will be wondrous. Would I be able to be compassionate if I had not been hurt deeply and then shown compassion? I strongly doubt it. Would I be able to relate to anything you are going through without my own pain that God helped me through? No. I couldn't relate, because I didn't experience it myself. But I have and so, I can understand a good deal of your pain. Not all, since I am not you, nor female. But, I can understand some.
Dear little sister, my daughter is now going through some painful times of having to make the rent, of buying food, of trying to make it on her own because she wouldn't listen to us. So we had to let her go. She had to learn it on her own. I hurt for her, and pray for her, but she is one who doesn't learn except by experience. My own son, whom I love deeply, I've had to tell, you won't get any more help from me because he continues to be manipulative, deceitful, and generally narcississtic. I told him so, and of course in his narcississm, he said I'm a jerk. (Not what he actually said, but you get the idea). He is not above using force to get his way. I'm praying about all of that, and I trust God to do in His Sovereignty what needs to be done. But I also know that He limits himself, because He has given us the great gift of free will.
You do deserve better, and God will give you great rewards for trusting Him now. You do have your brothers and sisters in Christ praying for you, and God will act for your good. I know this, because He has done so for me. It took a while, as I see it, but God knows exactly when and how to help you. Don't give up on Him, He isn't giving up on you. And don't give up on you, you are a treasure beyond worth because you are His child, and you are bought by God Himself in Christ.