I'm engaged, but feeling doubts.

[TexasCatholic]

I posted in the courting couples forum, but I really want experienced Catholic advice....

http://www.christianforums.com/t2115640-im-engaged-but-im-unsure.html#post18597652

-Michael

 

[NDIrish]

Hey Michael,

A few things....I'm sure you know that marriage is forever, so now's the time to back out, if you need to.

That being said, be sure you're not equating "love" with the warm fuzzy feeling. When you take your vows with your wife, you're NOT promising to feel a certain way abuot her for the rest of your life....you're promising to be patient, understanding, humble, etc...two very different things.

One last thing...anxiety during an engagement is fairly common.

 

[Rising_Suns]

bump for others.

 

[jezic]

Take it to Jesus. Ask him. He is the only one who really can tell us our vocations.

 

[bostonlass]

hmmmmmm....after reading your post on the linked thread I would have to say that your thoughts about marrying are exactly those of my ex husband. He loved me very much....like a sister, and we dated for a few years, and he was pressured by his family to get married already. We got engaged and he had doubts, unbeknownst to me, but knowing that I bought the dress, booked the church and reception, etc. he didn't want to ruffle feathers. I basically had a sexless marriage aside from about five out of the ordinary nights, two of which I conceived my daughters. This is over five years, mind you. ....see he loved me as a sister....not as a wife. BIG difference. Had I known all that then I would have never said yes since I wanted a husband, not a brother.

Now I've been divorced for 7 years or so and am a single mom of two daughters and life is not easy. Please think about this very hard and pray on it. Say the rosary, do adoration, talk to your friends who are married. I say follow your gut.

 

[ZiSunka]

If you are having doubts, listen to those doubts. Get away somewhere for a time (an hour, a day, a week, whatever) and really examine those doubts and what they are based on. Are you doubting you will be a good husband? Are you doubting that you can stay faithful to one wife your whole life? Are you doubting that now is the right time to get married? Are you feeling pressured into getting married to someone you don't want to pledge your whole life to? Are there serious character issues for either you or your fiance? Are there financial problems that would be worsened if you got married? Are there emotional or physical reasons you shouldn't get married to this person at this time? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, call off the wedding.

 

[Rising_Suns]

If you are having doubts, listen to those doubts. Get away somewhere for a time (an hour, a day, a week, whatever) and really examine those doubts and what they are based on. Are you doubting you will be a good husband? Are you doubting that you can stay faithful to one wife your whole life? Are you doubting that now is the right time to get married? Are you feeling pressured into getting married to someone you don't want to pledge your whole life to? Are there serious character issues for either you or your fiance? Are there financial problems that would be worsened if you got married? Are there emotional or physical reasons you shouldn't get married to this person at this time? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, call off the wedding.

I agree. Any doubt whatsoever should be reason enough to call off the wedding, atleast temporarily, to address the doubts first. One should not make such a life changing decision without being absolutely sure.

I would recommend separating from her for atleast a year to give yourself more time to discern God's calling (separaiton meaing: no contact whatsoever. This is necessary to regain clarity of thought).

Remember, if you two are meant to be together, you'll eventually end up together. God won't lead you astray through your prudence and caution, but you can easily be led astray through indifference, impatience, and haste.

See an orthodox preist about this ASAP.

Blessings,

-Davide

 

[ZiSunka]

The thing to keep remembering is that this is for life. No matter what happens, this is the person you will be married to for the rest of your life. If you are having doubts now, it won't get any easier after you get married. From everyone I know married more than 50 years, they've all said they knew they were doing the right thing when they got married, they didn't have any doubts they were marrying the right person.

 

[bostonlass]

I agree. Any doubt whatsoever should be reason enough to call off the wedding, atleast temporarily, to address the doubts first.

Not to mention that entering into the marriage in the state you're in now, feeling pressure, having doubts, would be a sure cause for annulment. Look to how you are feeling and ask yourself if you would be granted an annulment if you married her now under these circumstances.

 

[D'Ann]

I agree. Any doubt whatsoever should be reason enough to call off the wedding, atleast temporarily, to address the doubts first. One should not make such a life changing decision without being absolutely sure.

I would recommend separating from her for atleast a year to give yourself more time to discern God's calling (separaiton meaing: no contact whatsoever. This is necessary to regain clarity of thought).

Remember, if you two are meant to be together, you'll eventually end up together. God won't lead you astray through your prudence and caution, but you can easily be led astray through indifference, impatience, and haste.

See an orthodox preist about this ASAP.

Blessings,

-Davide

This makes sense. Be gentle with her, but be honest too. No one wants to be married to someone who doesn't truly want them. That hurts worse than the truth could ever...

God's Peace,

Debbie

 

[Rising_Suns]

Not to mention that entering into the marriage in the state you're in now, feeling pressure, having doubts, would be a sure cause for annulment. Look to how you are feeling and ask yourself if you would be granted an annulment if you married her now under these circumstances.

He also mentioned that he feels like he's just "going through the motions". I wonder, if he feels like this now, what's going to stop him from feeling like this for the rest of his life? God calls our lives to be an adventure with Him, not simply going through the motions.

Southcoast,
The best potential spouse is someone who inspires you to be more than you are, and helps you to grow closer to God. The best indicator of a good spouse is if your faith is multiplied while you're with her than without her.

Blessings,

-Davide

 

[Filia Mariae]

Michael,

If you were experiencing no doubt, no questioning, no anxiety, I'd be concerned that you didn't understand the gravity of the sacrament. When we understand that we are entering into a covenant that mirrors the image of God's love for His people- whoa. It's a big deal.

However, there's a difference between normal concerns and concerns that are well, a concern. I'm not married and not yet engaged so I don't have firts hand advice. But I am in a serious relationship heading towards marriage and sometimes I think "Am I really going to give myself to him in a total self-gift for the rest of my life and make myself repsonsible for him going to heaven?" Yikes! But still, those emotions that scare me and make me want to head for the convent as fast as my legs will carry me come and go. But always underneath is a feeling of "rightness."

My advice would be not to rely on emotions- they are constantly in flux. Take it to prayer daily, go to adoration, pray for the guidance of Our Lady and St. Joseph.

I'll pray for your discernment!

 

[TexasCatholic]

Thank you, to everybody, for your kind and helpful words.

My intent right now is to pray. I have prayed the rosary tonight for the very first time in my life. As a new Catholic, I had not yet embraced this form of prayer. It is comforting... I believe I am now going to do this and devote my prayers to my discernment and to ask for God's will to be done here.

My fiance is very good to me. She has inspired my faith and she helped bring me into the Catholic Church. We play off each other's strength in faith. There is plenty of growth that needs to take place, but that area is on the positive move. I went to a retreat this weekend (an Awakening retreat, for those who know), and on the last day we (retreatants) found out that a prayer staff had been praying for us virtually non-stop for 3 days with no sleep and that many people had been praying for us for weeks. One of those people who prayed non-stop for 3 days was my fiance. She and the other prayer staff were hidden away at a nearby church in front of the Blessed Sacrament praying for us. They had Adoration for 16 consecutive hours praying for us... three of those hours just for me. She did this for me. She could barely walk because of the pain in her knees from kneeling so long. However, she told me that she had fear that this weekend I might discover that we weren't meant to be.... she said she had this fear before going into it. Her prayers were for God's will, not for her desires. This weekend brought all of this to the forefront of my thoughts and emotions and is why I am struggling with it to this very moment.

All I feel I can do right now is pray... I am going to see about an appt. with my priest (and marital prep couselor, both) and express my individual concerns and work on discerning.

I understand the gravity of the sacrament. I intend only to marry once in my life, if I marry, and I put incredible significance on making sure it's what God wants for me, for us, for Him.

Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you, you guys are beautiful.

-Michael

 

[D'Ann]

Thank you, to everybody, for your kind and helpful words.

My intent right now is to pray. I have prayed the rosary tonight for the very first time in my life. As a new Catholic, I had not yet embraced this form of prayer. It is comforting... I believe I am now going to do this and devote my prayers to my discernment and to ask for God's will to be done here.

My fiance is very good to me. She has inspired my faith and she helped bring me into the Catholic Church. We play off each other's strength in faith. There is plenty of growth that needs to take place, but that area is on the positive move. I went to a retreat this weekend (an Awakening retreat, for those who know), and on the last day we (retreatants) found out that a prayer staff had been praying for us virtually non-stop for 3 days with no sleep and that many people had been praying for us for weeks. One of those people who prayed non-stop for 3 days was my fiance. She and the other prayer staff were hidden away at a nearby church in front of the Blessed Sacrament praying for us. They had Adoration for 16 consecutive hours praying for us... three of those hours just for me. She did this for me. She could barely walk because of the pain in her knees from kneeling so long. However, she told me that she had fear that this weekend I might discover that we weren't meant to be.... she said she had this fear before going into it. Her prayers were for God's will, not for her desires. This weekend brought all of this to the forefront of my thoughts and emotions and is why I am struggling with it to this very moment.

All I feel I can do right now is pray... I am going to see about an appt. with my priest (and marital prep couselor, both) and express my individual concerns and work on discerning.

I understand the gravity of the sacrament. I intend only to marry once in my life, if I marry, and I put incredible significance on making sure it's what God wants for me, for us, for Him.

Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you, you guys are beautiful.

-Michael

Praying for God's will in your and her life.

 

[Hope22]

I agree. Any doubt whatsoever should be reason enough to call off the wedding, atleast temporarily, to address the doubts first. One should not make such a life changing decision without being absolutely sure.

I would recommend separating from her for atleast a year to give yourself more time to discern God's calling (separaiton meaing: no contact whatsoever. This is necessary to regain clarity of thought).

Remember, if you two are meant to be together, you'll eventually end up together. God won't lead you astray through your prudence and caution, but you can easily be led astray through indifference, impatience, and haste.

See an orthodox preist about this ASAP.

Blessings,






-Davide

Wow a year. Okay that is a bit extreme... I think that would make his fiancee quite miserable. Yes, he should review his doubts and think about things on his own but leaving his fiancee for a year with no contact is a tad harsh dont ya think... Everyone has doubts its a common thing.....not enough to call off the whole wedding for any little doubt

 

[TexasCatholic]

Yeah, I'm thinking the not seeing her for a year thing would pretty much end it for both of us. Right now, we have decided to have a little bit of apart time. Maybe a few days, maybe a couple of weeks. We'll see how it goes for both of us...

In the meantime, prayer... and more prayer, and contemplation, and listening to God.

Thanks for all the kind words thus far... I'm feeling a little better, but still seeking the guidance I need.

-Michael

 

[colleen]

"The best potential spouse is someone who inspires you to be more than you are, and helps you to grow closer to God. The best indicator of a good spouse is if your faith is multiplied while you're with her than without her. "

I just wanted to repeat Davide's point. Often this is the last thing people consider when they consider getting married, and it should be the main thing you consider.

Colleen

 

[Auntie]

Michael,

Have you considered talking to a marriage counselor? Sometimes a counselor can help to sort out your thoughts & help in understanding the doubts and concerns.

God bless you.......

 

[TexasCatholic]

Michael,

Have you considered talking to a marriage counselor? Sometimes a counselor can help to sort out your thoughts & help in understanding the doubts and concerns.

God bless you.......

I dunno. I don't put much trust in secular counseling.... and I've never heard of a Catholic marriage counselor who is truly orthodox in beliefs. Maybe they exist?

-Michael

 

[U R my Sonshine]

I dunno. I don't put much trust in secular counseling.... and I've never heard of a Catholic marriage counselor who is truly orthodox in beliefs. Maybe they exist?

-Michael

Ehh...I posted over there at the original thread. (if you wanna read it...I had a similar situation a decade and a half ago.)

I am of the opinion that marriage counseling is for marriage. I don't think one should "work" on an engagement or dating situation like one does a marriage. Typically if those things are present when dating they'll be amplified (good and bad and doubts and fears) by marriage. We have to do whatever possible to stay together after marriage....but not while dating. I think God is showing you something and I think your fiancee knows it...she sounds like she wants Gods will too.