I'm confused

[mum24]

Sorry to post again. I'm frustrated that once again I am being stupid. My mood is not significantly low or anything, but my thoughts are stuck on self-harm and stuck in a negative pattern.

Its like I can't stand myself, and just have to feel differently. I seek a way out. I have no idea how to describe what is wrong so I do things to show it. But I don't tell anyone. Because really, what is wrong? Anything? I wonder. I am just crazy. Maybe I am possessed, maybe not. But it sure is a fight for my consciousness.

There seems to be no help for me. People frustrate me, and they give all sorts of good advice that just doesn't work on my kind. I have no motivation to carry out any of their ideas for more than a day. Its rediculous. Ok, I'm rediculous. Its no one else but me. I am a wimp and a coward and I whine whine whine about what is every day life for others. Why? Most people just handle life way better than I do.

Where do I go off to and ok, I know where... but why? What a waste of a life. Dig me out of my mind. It gets taken over by some evil resident. Stupid girl. These little days of good are just a tease. Am I insane? Am I really off my rocker? I don't think I have that excuse but then where is this demon coming from?

An example... I have no intention of killing myself... I have too many people who depend on me. But I've been hoarding sleeping pills anyway. Just to keep them for my use. I pop one when I am feeling bad. Should I be afraid of myself? From what I've read, and I read a lot, I have enough to kill myself. But I don't want to do this. What is wrong with my brain? Am I possessed?

Has anyone ever felt this sort of conflict? I don't know what to do. And if I go downhill again, I'm afraid my husband will leave me, or I'll have hurt our relationship irreparably. I need to be well.

mum24

 

[SinkingShip]

As a fellow BP 2, I've experienced some of the same. Today I watched my mood drop like a rock (using a Mood Chart - I can send you a link to one if you'd like). Why? No discernable reason. I went from fine to wondering whats really so bad about killing yourself in a matter of hours.

Its Biology. There's something wrong with the serotonin and dopamine neurotransmitters and receivers in my brain. No amount of advice or good intentions from others will change that. Meds will help, but the hard part is sticking around until the doctors get the balance right.

As far as hoarding pills: last month I just decided to buy a combat knife. Real nasty, real sharp, no definite plan to use it, but I just bought it. You may not be planning to exit this life, but the simple knowledge that you have a stash of pills that could end it all at any time of your choosing does provide you with a measure of control: you can now end this anytime you want. There is a certain comfort in that, even if the nature of the comfort is dangerous.

Also: most people do NOT handle life any better than any of us. Some glide through life without ever truly looking into themselves and trying to figure out "what makes them tick". Others respond to life's problems with the quick fixes: addictions, freudian defenses, and blaming everyone else. And others just burn their emotions and conscience away. Debating the true nature of life with myself while being depressed and caught in a delusion or two is Hell, but when I listen to some co-workers whine about not being able to afford the BMW they want or discussing what (or who) they did to get their promotion, I just laugh. I'm more human than they ever will be.

 

[SinkingShip]

PS: don't pop any sleeping pills while feeling depressed since they can just deepen it. It sounds to me like you're using them in an anti-anxiety role to depress your CNS and help you relax a little. Sleeping pills can be HIGHLY addictive and that addiction can trigger anxiety and agitation - both of which can trigger depression (wonderful cycle isn't it).

Ditch the pills (except for the amount your dr perscribed) and then talk to your dr about possibly adding some anti-depressants/anti-anxiety to your regiment. As scary as talking to your DR about more meds may be, fighting this thing without meds and without professional help can quickly become a losing battle (been there, done that, still dealing with the damage).