I'm already dead on the inside.

[justageek]

*brutal trigger warning*
I just got done cutting myself after a few weeks without it. It felt great to relieve the pain within after being lectured to just "move on" from all my regrets and that all the mistakes I've made are "nothing big" - when they made me lose the man of my dreams.

I just don't care anymore. I want to die and I plan to soon; but how is the question. I can't wait for the relief. The pain hasn't ended for years.
I've completely ran away from God and want nothing to do with Him anymore. He doesn't see the pain I feel, nor does He care. I live with emotional turmoil each and every day. The remains of emotional abuse still haunt me, and they were right.

I am unlovable. I'm so ugly I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate every little thing about myself; I'm such a boring person with such lax personality traits. I'm shy, socially awkward and have anxiety, and depression, as well as being high-needs emotionally, so I am never properly supported by anybody.

I am a pastor's daughter, and I loathe it entirely. I feel so pressured to be perfect, and if I mess up or say something odd, it automatically is told to my mother. I'm on antidepressants, and every time I go to my mom about how I feel, she'll just say something like "it'll end soon" or something about demons or Satan or something else that just ends up making me feel worse.

Seeing a therapist is out of the question. My mom won't take me to see anybody like that, and if I went by myself, my mom would just make me feel guilty about seeking help.

I can't wait to die. Then maybe all you people would see that I truly am not sane, after all. Then again, nobody would miss me, since I have no friends.

I'm so done.

 

[NumberOfStars]

My heart just dropped after reading this post.
First of all if you are suicidal you need help now, even if you call a help line.
You should go see a counsellor or therapist. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for reaching out for help, it is a very brave and courageous thing to do.
Stop listening to lies and agreeing with them. You are NOT unlovable. You are NOT ugly. God created you and he doesn't make mistakes.
Don't give up, keep fighting through it.
God DOES see your pain and he DOES care. God wants to help you through this, but how can he if you keep pushing him away?
A song I love at the moment is 'in your hands' by Krystal Meyers. The words say "it's in your hands, I trust you though I don't understand."
We don't always understand what God is doing and why he allows certain things, but we need to trust him.
I continue to pray for you.

 

[Cyprezz]

Would you believe me if I said I am going through the EXACT same thing right now? I've just gotten out of a relationship with someone whom I was happy with for 2 years. I'm goin through the ropes. One minute I'm ok, the next I'm bawling my eyes out, and then I'm angry and getting angry at God. I feel ugly, disgusting, like I can never be loved again. I feel like no one else understands. But there's you. I know that you understand how I feel. And I understand how you feel. But even more importantly, God understands how we feel. He knows. He knows we're in pain from this. He DOES care, whether we want to admit it or not .
I just want to let you know, that you're not alone. I know EXACTLY what it's like, to feel this way. I'm only a year younger than you aswell, if it helps the one thing that's helping me, is that I know there are people in the world (and One out of it ) that really care for us, for how we feel it's ok to feel like this sometimes, you just can't let it consume you
If you ever need to talk, or hey, even just yell, at least I'll be here for you. And so will countless others. And God, He will ALWAYS be there for you.
Many hugs from Australia and the rest of the world,
-cyp.
PS: not sure if you can do this or not, but chocolate, a hot bath and a good cry into a teddybear helps. Because teddies don't talk back when you yell at them

 

[RuthD]

I'm so sorry that you feel so bad. Please don't end it. There IS hope for you even if you can't see it. You are reaching out for help. I would go to a therapist and not tell your family if I were you. You have very low self esteem but are an important person in this world. There is a reason you are here on this Earth. I'm praying for you.

 

[Spunkn]

I would miss you, I've still been praying for you.

 

[callmerella]

You are not ugly. God make no ugly things.

I love you. So you are not unlovable.

You are hurting, I cannot stop that for you but we can offer all of
our shoulders for you to cry on.

I , personally, cannot possibly imagine what a trial you have in being
a pastors daughter.

the fact that your mom would kind of sluff off your despair just means that
she feels that you are not old enough to be going through what you are.

I am so very old, in comparison to you. I am sure you would consider me
ancient.

My darling girl... how can I make you know without a shadow of a doubt that
all humans go through trials such as you are right now.

Some are more adept at covering them but they do. Even your parents have.

To want to be out of this life, I actually understand.

But so many things have stopped that thought process in me.

First.... If you are gone you will have no opportunity to see the wonders
that the Lord has in store for you. And He does. This I can assure you.

Next... Taking your own life would be tantamount to murder. And you would not be around after that to ask for forgiveness of that sin.... if you are so miserable now,
just imagine the misery that you would have for an eternity spent in whatever you perceive hell to be. In other words.... your misery is likely to just continue on and you will have no break from it......

C..... And something that I do not know for a fact, and have never read ... but have always thought that might be a just punishment for taking my own life is....
What if.... and do not poo poo this idea... but what if.... the very thing that you are
trying to escape this life to get away from us the very thing that you have to spend
an eternity with.

I am not one to tell you to be comforted by the knowlege that God loves you and cares for you and wants to help you through your pain. He does, but you need more then that, I know.

Time will heal.... it will be very hard, but time will heal. I can promise you that.

As to needing couseling, and not wanting your parents to know....

You are 20 years old. Your dad is your pastor, so you cannot talk to him and you should not talk to him.

Do you have any friends who go to different churches?

If so, I would ask them if they would ask their pastor if you could talk
confidentially with them and just explain who your dad is and you need
to talk to someone.

If you have no friend who can do that for you, then try and think of
pastors that you dad knows and make a call and just say it must be
in confidence.

 

[Criada]

Well, that's at least six of us who care, and would miss you greatly!! I know we're online, and it isn't like 'real life' support, but you are loved and cared for here, sweetie.

I agree with Callmerella that you really need someone to talk to, whatever your mother thinks. You are an adult, and entitled to do whatever you need to to make your life better.
God does have a plan, but I know that doesn't help right now... it's very hard to see when things are really dark. Try to look after yourself - however much you feel you don't deserve it, or can't - you really, really are worth it

Praying for you, and here if you need a listening ear

 

[Krissy Cakes]

We love and care! Please don't take your own life. Please please don't.

God loves you so very much! He made you in HIS image.

I'm praying for you! I'm here if you ever wanted to talk.

God Bless you