Hello, I'm a 20 year old man and I am living with depression. I've lived a reclusive life since I was 15 or 16.
I am struggling in college due to a lack of motivation and my family thinks I'm a loser, especially my younger sister.
It's gotten to the point that the hobbies I once had no longer interest me and watching a tv show seems like too much work.
It's gotten a little better now that my parents have foster children and that has led me to come out for a few hours a day to play with them. After awhile, though I get tired and need some space.
I've also had thoughts of suicide lately as I want out of this situation. My family is controlling, wh
I started to get reclusive in my early teens. I also started to struggle at school. It was hard to find motivation and meanings to things, and I felt like complete loser. I had anxiety over everything, and sleeping was hard. My mother then didn't understand me (now it's quite the opposite when I'm a lot older), although for a long time I hid my problems from everyone. So I can somewhat relate.
Just hang on. Suicidal thoughts are understandable when the tunnel vision starts to come. But please get help, any kind of help. Psychiatrists, therapists, peer support, people to talk with. If you're like me, you will come up with 400 reasons why that's not an option. But it is, and it was for me too. No matter how many tries it takes, no matter how many steps back you might take during the process. Start being honest with yourself, other people and God if you're not already. Sometimes people don't understand right away, sometimes never, sometimes quickly, but you don't have to hide or pretend. You are not alone in this, since so many - so so many - people feel like you. Trapped.
You don't believe it now, but the change will come, and the prison you see surrounding yourself can be opened, even destroyed. You will learn to cope, you will learn to see new ways instead of the dark tunnel that only goes down, and you will get stronger for every bit of struggle. You will also learn patience and know the true nature of hope. We never feel patient when we're distressed, do we? But it's a side product of the struggle that we can not "screw up". It's automatic and in time, you will know it. And hope. We don't have hope when we're happy. We have hope when we suffer, those last bits of light we somehow try to cling on, no matter how horrible we might feel, and even if we feel utterly hopeless. "We hope for what we cannot see".
Oh, and another thing. You will become sensitive to notice these things about others too, when others can't notice it. You can be a source of comfort to plenty of people when they're speaking to someone who actually understands them. I'm sure there is plenty of love you wish to receive, and that's where we usually focus our eyes on, but there is also plenty of love to give. Little moments of compassion can make a huge difference. If you are that person for someone, even for a second, you might not know about it but the other one sure will.
I've found that while I struggled for a long time (and made every mistake in the book during those years, making things worse for myself), God eventually helped me. There was a point where I thought I would have to kill myself to end the pain. I had drank and abused pills for years, lost my job, lost the people I loved and wanted to marry, lost all of my self-esteem and the pain was constant. But I just broke down and prayed for help, prayed for Jesus to help me because I was so lost and broken. Slowly but surely - even if I didn't feel or understand it then - God helped me. Sometimes with little moments of comfort here and there, sometimes through other people, sometimes through music, I can't even know. I learned to go to Him with my burdens. There's a sense of honesty and humility in it that can really free one's spirit.
Sometimes we have to break in order for something better to eventually grow out of it. And if I would have gotten a miraculous intervention, I would've lost what I got the very next day, without understanding its value. I wouldn't have learned anything. It reminds me of a song: "No penthouse christian wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar". For whatever reasons some of us suffer from these issues. But we will suffer through them. Suffer the wound, so to speak. And the scars will actually mean something later on. It's important for all of us to be there for one another though.
So please, get help brother. One way or another, no matter how many times you have to try or even get burned. Pray to God and let Christ know your troubles, as I'm sure you already have. But continue. Accept yourself. Embrace your weakness. It's alright to be weak. We cannot grow without realizing these things. I'd say it's damn healthy for anyone to find him/herself from a place where they start to question these things, because the road to freedom out of these useless worldly divisions is very near. It becomes unhealthy when we just start beating ourselves down, but you already know it since you're experiencing it.
You are not a loser. There are no real winners or losers. And if you are, I'm a loser ten-fold compared to you. Life is not a competition even though most of society treats it as such. People are measured by wealth, titles, accomplishments and you name it. God doesn't look into these things, they are worthless to Him. He cares about your heart, and He knows your heart very well. Neither the people whose lives you have touched or will touch - and again, you might not even know about it - will care about your success or accomplishments.
You can also talk to us here, I find that there are plenty of compassionate people on these depression forums. Stop by anytime you like. Very few people here are judgemental, since they know how these things are from experience.
One day at a time, brother. You will get through it. I did too, and I'm the absolute worst. Get any help you can, and like I said, patience will come by itself, in time. Do not hurt yourself. You are just as important as anyone else, and you can influence plenty of lives too. The dark thoughts you have; they are lies. They feel like the truth, like the best of lies often do. You can feel them, but do not obey them. You are loved, and in time you will know it.
God bless you brother. Said a prayer for you.
