I'm a useless failure. ='/

[winterbluebells]

I don't think I will be saved. I don't think I was chosen to be saved. I've been through a load of suffering because of looking for God, and still do. So many people insult me and I don't think my Creator Wants me. I just don't think I can be chosen. Firstly, there's not anything special about me, as far as I can see. I try to be kind but there's no or little emotion behind acts of kindness. There just doesn't seem to be anything special; I don't see why He Would want me when I'm a failure to Him in so many ways. I know, I know salvation isn't based on good deeds, and I can't know for sure I'm not chosen yet. But, I doubt it, like I doubt God's existance.
I have tried for...what seems like ages now. OCD was one problem, giving me terrible blasphemous thoughts, and still does...only my mind would almost blackmail me into doing nothing, as if to say "okay, your thoughts aren't your fault, they just come, but my mind would say "if you do that you'll think a bad thought and YOU'RE making it happen." I don't believe that anymore, but my OCD still affects me. I have so many questions. Christians act like being saved is a choice, that it's SO simple. Well, it's not to me. I would choose to be saved if I could, but then so would many athiests if they believed. I would choose to believe, like some athiests, but I can't make myself believe. Even if I understood the Bible, I don't think I'd believe. I have prayed for a dream or vision and for God to reveal Himself to me but there's nothing. Just questions, and anger, and feelings that I'm not wanted by God. I don't think I'm part of the elect.
Christians say "you must believe in Jesus dying for your sins."
I say "WHAT IS BELIEVING?"
Some say: believing 100%.
I say: Are you even that sure of your own existance?
Others say: No-one knows 100%.
So I say: Okay, how MUCH belief is required?
Then they say there's not a scale, and my question doesn't get answered. THEN there's people who say you can do bad things for the rest of your life, not love God, but as long as you believe in Jesus Christ dying for your sins you're saved. Then, there's others saying you have to repent.
But I don't love God. I don't feel bad for sinning. I want to, but I don't. I'm coming to God out of fear. And I know fear isn't the right way, but pray as I might, I don't change.
I don't think I'm wanted. I just can't make myself believe. I just get angry and furious with God, then feel forced into asking for forgiveness out of fear. I can't have my own opinions anymore. I can't play pranks on people because it's lying, I can't tell any future children about Santa being real, because that's lying. I won't be able to tell them fairies are real. That's not the only thing though. I have been SO much suffering looking for God and I feel I was better off before. I can't help feeling it would be better if there was no God. Okay, some people get a glorious heaven, but some people are being eternally tortured in hell. I feel I'd rather die and know nothing than be being happy while people I love are being tortured.
I don't think God Wants me. It feels like He Hates me.

 

[winterbluebells]

Then my photo was taken the other day, and I feel like I was looking awful in it, and I'm obsessing over it, how ugly I must've looked, and I wonder why God would make me so ugly.

 

[BobW188]

Hey, Winterblue, go a little easy on yourself. The fact is, what you say leads me to think you're probably saved already and, if not yet, soon will be. In fact, you're farther along the road than many of the professing Christians I know and meet on CF.

You've learned two important lessons. First, that you (and I, and Saint Francis of Asisi, and Mother Teresa, and everyone else except, if the Catholics are right, the Virgin Mary) do not deserve and cannot deserve to be saved. Jesus chose the cross for precisely that reason. salvation is a gift!

Second, you are never going to get saved by your own efforts.

Stop trying so hard, Bluebells. Get out of your own way a little and let the Holy Spirit do some of the work. You're not going to have all the answers tomorrow. But you are seeking. You have His unbreakable promise that, so long as you do that, you'll find. Just accept that it will be in His time, not yours and mine.

 

[annrobert]

Hey, Winterblue, go a little easy on yourself. The fact is, what you say leads me to think you're probably saved already and, if not yet, soon will be. In fact, you're farther along the road than many of the professing Christians I know and meet on CF.

You've learned two important lessons. First, that you (and I, and Saint Francis of Asisi, and Mother Teresa, and everyone else except, if the Catholics are right, the Virgin Mary) do not deserve and cannot deserve to be saved. Jesus chose the cross for precisely that reason. salvation is a gift!

Second, you are never going to get saved by your own efforts.

Stop trying so hard, Bluebells. Get out of your own way a little and let the Holy Spirit do some of the work. You're not going to have all the answers tomorrow. But you are seeking. You have His unbreakable promise that, so long as you do that, you'll find. Just accept that it will be in His time, not yours and mine.

It is your choice winterbluebells,
I know ocd and fears can make it seem like it is not, can make you fear Jesus may not want you.
But Jesus does want you and loves you very much.
God says choose life that we may live, becuase He wants us to.

Jesus died for all sin.

Jesus says he that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out.

Jesus loves you ever so deeply.

ocd causes much pain and suffering and fears and Jesus understands that and He will not cast you out.


Jesus invites all to come to him for rest.

I hope you feel better soon.



Psalm 139


1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting

 

[Criada]

Bob is right, sweetie, you are making things too hard for yourself.
We are human, He is God... we will never understand everything because our brains simply aren't big enough to comprehend God.
But He loves you, sweetie.

I can't deal with the hell thing either... but the Bible doesn't say anything about eternal punishment for anyone but satan.... so I trust God's mercy on that....

 

[TaterFaith]

Hey hon, I agree with the posts above that you are too hard on yourself. Because we are so human, unworthy, unlovable, well we need Jesus. If we were perfect, God would not have allowed his only precious son to go through all of that torment and pain, just for us. If you were the only one alive, God loves you so much he would have done the same for you. We must have faith.

Have you ever imagined that you were blind? I have tried many times to identify with those who are blind by taking just a few steps with my eyes closed. After a couple of steps I am totally disoriented. It is so unnatural for us to walk without looking where we are going, yet that is precisely what Paul says we Christians must do. "For we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7).

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"(Heb.11:1).
God bless you sweetie, I am praying for you

 

[A_Living_Sacrifice]

There isn't anyone in this world good enough to be saved. Salvation is a gift, it cannot be earned. When I think of my past mistakes, I thank God for his grace.

"I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

^^^^I was also thinking of Hebrews 11:1^^^^

 

[Johnnz]

Seems you have a version of Christianity that consists of a whole lot of rules and regulations. Jesus wants to restore us to our full humanity, to be real people, not just religious hermits living apart from life and society, ever scared of offending an easily upset God.

John
NZ