I'm a daughter with a question.

[krispar]

I'm sorry that I am bothering you guys, I know you all came to this site to talk with other parents and not just another kid.
My question is this- in the situation below, how would you have handled it, and (I figured I would ask other parents about this one) how do I handle this without hurting feelings?
I am a 19 year old newly wed and our parents aren't happy. Actually, our parents weren't happy, and now his parents still aren't happy.
We felt called by God to get married a year and a half before we were married- we talked to our parents about it, who were worried about finances (my husband is still in school), we talked to our pastor, our youth pastor that had watched us grow in our relationship through high school, a couple that had a similar situation, and a few other people that we trusted their opinion. Everyone but our parents were all 100% for it.
Now that he is starting school and I still can't find a job, we asked for advice on how to handle the situation, and his parents told us "you didn't take our advice to begin with, we didn't want you to get married now."
This really hurt. I love my in-law's and while we were engaged they were always against our wedding in some way or other and it broke my heart.

 

[krispar]

I don't think I quite finished- we weren't just wanting to get married- I was horrified of the idea of "growing up" and getting out of college, but when I thought of it, even though I saw financial problems and not an easy path, I had the deepest peace about it. It was a calling, not some silly kids thinking they were in love.

 

[bliz]

Well, darlin', you ignored their advice about getting married, but now you want them to give you advice about your finances. Do you not see why they are put out with you? Or perhaps they think this was a round-about request for money.

You feel sure you were called to marry, and so you have. You have made your choice, as is your right. But you cannot demand support and encouragement from people who dissaproved of your choice. They have every right not to support you in any way.

I can understand why their respose hurt you. Do you understand how your actions hurt them?

 

[nateboy]

That's a tough one. To be honest with you, I wouldn't ask them for financial advice. If that was a huge reason for them not supporting you in your decision and then you go and ask them questions about finances, it is likely to make them more upset and possibly extremely worried. I would seek out a trusted adult at church. There are a lot of older people who got married when they were 18 years old and went through a lot of financial difficulties. They made it. Also, do you belong to a small group bible study for married couples. If not, I strongly encourage you to seek one out. When you are just starting out, those groups are invaluable. It also helps to know that despite age, people do go through financial difficulties and there are certain things you can do to help make it not so painful in the future. Your parents and your parents in law will be unhappy for a while but the only way to counteract that is to treck on and show them through time that you guys can make it! Again, I just would never bring them into your financial world again...at least for a long time.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Bliz is a wise lady.

The in-laws words were harsh but true. Why should they make the effort to give you advice if you have a record of not listening to it?

From your end . . .
What kind of job are you looking for? At this point you should look for anything that will pay you even if it is McDonald's.
Why can't your husband attend school and work?
I'm curious because I attended college full-time and worked nearly full-time during. Oh, and I was married for the last two years of my college education.

Use their words and the hurt it caused you as motivation. Show them that the two of you not only love each other but that you are going to do what needs to be done as adults on your own.

 

[BarbBlessed]

My inlaws wanted us to wait to marry until David had worked a little and built up a modest savings account. We chose not to and as they'd expected things were rough for a while. Once we chose not to take their advice on when to marry, they never spoke of it again. They gave good advice when asked and kept quiet when we didn't ask. Not many inlaws around like them, I'm sure!

But, back to you!
You and your husband are happy with your decision, you believe the Lord is happy with your decision, move on. You've got others in your life you can go to with problems

we talked to our pastor, our youth pastor that had watched us grow in our relationship through high school, a couple that had a similar situation, and a few other people that we trusted their opinion.

go to them right now.

I'm not saying ignore either set of parents. They love you, you love them, nothing will change that. But considering the circumstances, I think you ought to make a point of sharing the good things in your lives with both sets of parents, and hold off asking for advice for a while. They're wise enough to see what's going on in your life, you won't be hiding or deceiving them. You will be showing them that your adults now and willing and able to handle your own affairs and problems.

 

[krispar]

Thanks for the replies, and you are right we won't be asking them for advice, we just figured that if they were so worried about it to begin with they'd want to help (because that's kinda what parents do in other situations). I don't see how my actions should have hurt them, as it was a calling so it's God's action really not mine. And yes, I'm looking for anything to pay the bills right now. And he is going to a very prestigious engineering school and taking a full load and while some people can do both full time job and school he cannot, but he is planning on working part time if HE can find work, but right now neither of us can.

 

[wanderingone]

What are you looking for when you say you went for advice? What advice do you think there is to give in situation?

I would ask why can't you find a job? In my area there are always supermarket and fast food jobs even if nothing else is out there. My son does not have the greatest credentials, he's not a great student, and isn't terribly motivated yet at 20 he's had a job since he was 15. His girlfriend (also 20) works almost full time and attends school part time. (they have a baby so she chose to go to school part time) My advice to them is when you choose to take on responsibilities nobody demanded of you (like marriage, or children) while you are still trying to finish school you have to handle being adults. You may have to accept jobs you don't care for, choose to go to school part time or have room mates when you'd rather live alone.

 

[skipper]

You have spoken of your in laws what about your parents. Maybe if you went to them in earnest and let them know that you are not looking for a hand out and only advice. They are worried about you you are both very young, and parents hate to see their children struggle. They are also more than likely afraid that you may become pregnant and have to drop out of school. Sit with them and let them know what your goals are, and if possible reassure them that you are not planning a family at this moment. As a parent that would be my big concern. You have asked for a parents input and that is mine.

 

[Neenie1]

Thanks for the replies, and you are right we won't be asking them for advice, we just figured that if they were so worried about it to begin with they'd want to help (because that's kinda what parents do in other situations). I don't see how my actions should have hurt them, as it was a calling so it's God's action really not mine. And yes, I'm looking for anything to pay the bills right now. And he is going to a very prestigious engineering school and taking a full load and while some people can do both full time job and school he cannot, but he is planning on working part time if HE can find work, but right now neither of us can.

We don't talk to my parents about financial problems if (if we are having them) because they worry about us terribly. They are really sweet to us and if there is every a need for money I know I can ask and they will help us. (we have asked once in nearly 6 years) but they do worry, so now the rule is we just don't discuss it. The only time we did was when we couldn't pay for groceries and we had a 2 year old son (he's 5 now)

I think it's just learning who you can discuss problems with and who you can't. It's not that your in-laws don't care, it's probably that they worry.

 

[krispar]

For those who asked, we did talk to my parents too. It wasn't the not getting advice that hurt it was the reference back to our marriage. Now, for wanderingone, that was kind of rude... I graduated from college with an associates with honors and have been applying at every place that is open, there just aren't that many openings.

 

[bliz]

I don't think that Wanderingone was rude in the slightest. She has no idea of your circumstances and was offering advice and encouragement.

 

[wanderingone]

For those who asked, we did talk to my parents too. It wasn't the not getting advice that hurt it was the reference back to our marriage. Now, for wanderingone, that was kind of rude... I graduated from college with an associates with honors and have been applying at every place that is open, there just aren't that many openings.

I don't know why you think I was rude, I was asking why you can't find a job and wondering what the job situation was in your area, because around here there are at least always something in the grocery stores, and fast food places.. they aren't great jobs but there are jobs and often when people say they can't find anything it's because they won't take something like that. I still don't know if you would take those, because you pointed out your associate's degree so perhaps you think it is rude to suggest your work in a grocery store? I have a master's, if I had no work then I'd grab up the job at the grocery store pulling carts from the lot if I had to. I did a stint in McDonald's when I had my AA, and a stint at a Pizza place while I worked on my master's as a second job.

My point is that when you are living as an adult in the adult world on your own sometimes you have to do things you don't like to do, like maybe your husband only going to school part time so he can work, or taking jobs we might not want.

If you think that's rude I don't know what to say.. it's not, it's just facts of life.

 

[ufonium2]

I always wonder about situations like this, because I don't understand how being married is in any way a roadblock to success in school or in starting a career. I understand how having a child can put a kink in things--I had my son in graduate school--but how does being married?

Would your parents have financially supported you to continue school had you not gotten married? What about his parents? If so, they've basically created the situation, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's not to say it's not within their rights to stop supporting you for whatever reason they choose. But, they also can't pretend that it's your marital status that is causing you financial problems right now. If you were single, would there be more jobs in your area? Of course not. You still wouldn't have a job, and you'd still have bills to pay.

 

[clycleader]

It's a tough situation. You're grown, but haven't had a lot of adult experiences yet. I sympathsize. I remember when I was your age. I was not married yet, so I can't give advice regarding that.
I can say though as a parent of a boy, when he grows up and if he wants to marry and I don't support the timing or fiancial situation, I will voice that opinion. But, since you both are adults and making adult decisions, I would then respect that decision to marry. And supprt everything as a parent of both of you. If you later came to ask advice about a financial situation or troubles you're having, I would give advice and may or may not remind you of our previous advice.
Would I be supportive and possibly help financially?? I don't know for sure. But if my son asks for money along w/ his new wife.... I'd likely have to help out in some way. I would try to be respectful of both of them and not overstep my bounds, but would absolutely respect their marriage. WWJD??
I'll pray for you that you find a job and that you will work things out financially, with school etc.
P.S. try to look past the in laws being upset.

 

[krispar]

I'm sorry to call you rude, wanderingone, I just read your post and felt slightly attacked (I have been applying like crazy for jobs! I don't understand why no one will hire me!). Thank you for all of your replies, clycleader, thank you for your post. ufonium as well.
Here is an update on the situation- I wasn't full aware of this before- the reason my mil said the marriage thing was this- they wanted to claim him as a dependent on taxes, even though we are married.
We would never ask for money from either side, as we know it was our decision and plan on supporting ourselves... we just don't know ANYTHING about investments (which I have... I don't know why or how though), and barely anything about loans (we got assistance fromt he parents before), etc. That was what we were asking about, I'm really sorry I didn't fill it in more, I'm terrible at giving all the facts. Sorry again, wanderingone for accusing you, and he will get a job after school starts if I can't find one, and we are trying our very best! I've applied at fast food joints and everything! I would so love to work as a secretary but I understand that push comes to shove sometimes. Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

[clycleader]

Keep us posted on how you're doing. I'll keep praying.

 

[oliveplants]

the reason my mil said the marriage thing was this- they wanted to claim him as a dependent on taxes, even though we are married.

I'm sure they still can. In fact, the year I got married my parents claimed me on their taxes. We both figured our taxes both ways, and they made a lot more off me than I could have. My parents were generous, though, and gave DH and I the amount that we would have got back if he'd claimed me, and kept the rest for themselves. Maybe you should try that talk again. ??

It seemed to me that some of the responses to your OP have been less than kind. SOmetimes life is like that. I personally don't think you should have married without your parents' blessing, but that is water under the bridge. Now you are married, serve God the best you can NOW. (And if the inlaws were asking, I'd say the same to them.)

Are you aware of the various assistance programs available and how to apply for them? Do you know how to plan a budget and make cheap meals? CF is a wealth of info if you need it!

I'm praying for you.

 

[christianmomof3]

Congratulations on your marriage. I pray that you will find a good job quickly. As wanderingone suggested, even though you have a degree, you need a job now, so you may need to go to work at a grocery store or whatever you can get and just keep looking for a higher paying job while you work a lower paying one.
Your in-laws may also be upset because they know how tough it will be for you financially and they would have rather you waited and they don't want to see you have to struggle.
I think it is best that ya'll work things out on your own and not get loans from parents or anyone else.
Once you start doing that, it can be a dreadful habbit that will keep you in debt.
Pray and ask the Lord to lead you to the best job.
It may not pay what you wanted, but the Lord will put you where you should be.

 

[wanderingone]

I'm sorry to call you rude, wanderingone, I just read your post and felt slightly attacked (I have been applying like crazy for jobs! I don't understand why no one will hire me!). Thank you for all of your replies, clycleader, thank you for your post. ufonium as well.
Here is an update on the situation- I wasn't full aware of this before- the reason my mil said the marriage thing was this- they wanted to claim him as a dependent on taxes, even though we are married.
We would never ask for money from either side, as we know it was our decision and plan on supporting ourselves... we just don't know ANYTHING about investments (which I have... I don't know why or how though), and barely anything about loans (we got assistance fromt he parents before), etc. That was what we were asking about, I'm really sorry I didn't fill it in more, I'm terrible at giving all the facts. Sorry again, wanderingone for accusing you, and he will get a job after school starts if I can't find one, and we are trying our very best! I've applied at fast food joints and everything! I would so love to work as a secretary but I understand that push comes to shove sometimes. Thanks everyone for your replies.

I'm sorry you felt attacked, it wasn't my intent, it's fine don't worry about it, it's very hard without facial expressions and verbal cues to know where people are coming from with their comments all the time.

I know it's hard when people don't let go of what they view as a mistake.. (your getting married you, in our home it's my son's choice to pursue higher education) and point it out whenever advice is looked for, but I think parents (and I'm sure my posts are a reflection of being a parent of "children" your age) often have a hard time not saying "you know if you had listened to us...."
It can be hurtful, but over time they'll probably stop, and if they don't over time you'll probably learn to shrug it off as just their way.

I've learned to not comment on my son's lack of interest in schooling, although when he complains about the lack of jobs out there I have to bite my tongue... but it took a couple years to get past the ever so "helpful" comment of "Maybe now you'll think about college..." and move toward simply offering advice and ideas based on where my son is in his life rather than where I think he should be.

I pray something opens up soon for you - looking for work is frustrating. In terms of getting more information about investing and money issues the federal reserve has a list of resources

http://www.federalreserveeducation.org/pfed/

And crown financial ministries had financial planning information from a Christian perspective http://www.crown.org/default.asp

You might want to look into their small group studies and see if a church near you is doing any, (or maybe encouraging your church to conduct one)

If you have some type of investments that your parents made on your behalf they may be available to you at 18, 21 or not at all without their permission depending on the type of accounts set up. You can ask your parents for the information about the accounts and then ask for help understanding the accounts at the institution where they were set up or at your own bank. Most banks and credit unions can provide you with some basic information about what each type of investment account is.