Illness and failing marriage

[satguy2000]

I am a young married guy, 23, who has been going through a lot of marriage problems over the last year and seek you alls prayers and guidance.

I am a born again Christian and strongly wish to make my marriage work. My wife had been suffering (before we married, but after we were dating) from an unknown disease that brought about extreme amount of pain and other complications. While the doctors have figured out what is wrong, there is not much they can do with her situation other than treat her with pain meds. I have stood by and loved her without question throughout the process spending many of my free hours calling doctors, taking her to the appointments and dealing with insurance. I accept all of that as part of the marriage and do not hold this against her as I know that it is not her fault.

However, with in the last year, she has been refusing to leave her bedroom or do anything to help the marriage. I do the cooking, cleaning, bills and all the other stuff that comes with having our own household. I am a guy who is happy to do my part in keeping the house running (and even enjoy keeping the house neat and clean to a fault), but I was not expecting to have to do 99% without even getting the company such as coming out and watching TV with me.

I have asked her several times to go the counseling and she refuses telling me that there is nothing that they can do to ease her illness. I always tell her that there is more to this marriage and our problems than the illness, but she will not listen. I then made a list of certain expectations that with consultation with her doctors, felt that she should be able to do such as leaving the bedroom each day for an hour or two, but she refused to look at my sheet or meet my requests because she claimed that I had no right to make such demands.

I struggle with not feeling resentful and am worried this is beginning to take hold. I feel an extreme amount of loneliness in my marriage and miss being close to my family. Part of moving away was the promise of support and company, so this has been a truly difficult struggle as I am a social creature and very much of an extrovert.

I have come to a realization that it is important to share with my friends and family the situation which has helped me deal with it in addition to seeking private counseling. However, my wife has informed me that she should have no responsibilities in our marriage for the time being which I have let her slid on for the past few months, but have let her know that this is not acceptable. Many of my friends have pushed me towards separation because of the other partner’s unwillingness to work on the marriage, but that feels like quitting and that is not the type of man that I want to define myself. My question is how do I keep fighting for it without being taken advantage of in the situation especially when I feel unappreciated or being verbally abused.

 

[Indea88]

I admire you for trying and sticking with her. I know how frustrated you must be. I am speaking from the other side ( I am a wife that has been struggling from an accident which has left me with dwindling energy and constant physical pain) I have not kept up my end with the housekeeping and meals for my husband. All of my energies have been spent helping my toddler who has some special needs.
When my husband left this time he claims it was because of the disorganized house and claiming I just don't care. He has left saying he doesn't want the relationship anymore.
The seperation has forced me to examine my shortcomings and my neglect of him and some of his needs. He wasn't able to stick it out for better or for worse. He felt that this was not acceptable anymore.
Would a seperation cause her to reconsider what you are asking her to do? Have you discussed this with her?
It sounds like you are not able to change her behaviors at this point. You could seek counseling for yourself if she is unwilling to. This may help you in dealing with her limitations and how they are affecting your marriage.

 

[satguy2000]

I admire you for trying and sticking with her. I know how frustrated you must be. I am speaking from the other side ( I am a wife that has been struggling from an accident which has left me with dwindling energy and constant physical pain) I have not kept up my end with the housekeeping and meals for my husband. All of my energies have been spent helping my toddler who has some special needs.
When my husband left this time he claims it was because of the disorganized house and claiming I just don't care. He has left saying he doesn't want the relationship anymore.
The seperation has forced me to examine my shortcomings and my neglect of him and some of his needs. He wasn't able to stick it out for better or for worse. He felt that this was not acceptable anymore.
Would a seperation cause her to reconsider what you are asking her to do? Have you discussed this with her?
It sounds like you are not able to change her behaviors at this point. You could seek counseling for yourself if she is unwilling to. This may help you in dealing with her limitations and how they are affecting your marriage.

Thank you for sharing that with me. One thing that I always try (though I do fail sometimes) is to put myself in her shoes and try to see things from her perspective.

1. Counseling: I have been seeking this for myself for over a year, but even he is saying that I need to take more of a proactive role in improving things.

2. As for seperation, I have put it on the table as a consequence for an unwillingness to work on the situation. I have asked her to help me write some expectations for our marriage that we can both imrpove and with the consequence if we do not meet them of that. I do not see it as an end all game or somehow the answer, but possibly the motivation to get things going in the right direction. In fact, I do not care as much about the actions, but rather about the willingness to try.

3. As for your situation, wow...you are in my prayers. One thing I have noticed that my wife does is blame God for her problems. No matter how bad it gets, please never do this as it will not lead to happiness.

4. From your perspective and from your child's (though I believe any parents that are dealing with a kid with special needs to be God's favor), I hope that you guys find some comfort and that the situation gets resolved where all parties are happy.

 

[4Christ2]

I admire you for wanting to do something to save your marriage. I'm also on the other end of your dilema...I was the one with a debilitating illness (alcoholism). In 25 years of marriage, the last 9 were horrible. My husband had always drank alcohol. I started drinking with him because at first, it seemed to reduce the amount of verbal and physical abuse he doled out to me and our two children. Of course that didn't last and the abuse excalated because I was not able to be effective in coming against it because I was drunk. I became "hooked" and part of the problem in the abuse. I drank heavily and often and was more often drunk than sober. As a result, I lost my job. With the alcohol being a depressant and depression setting in at the loss of my job, things really were horrible. The abuse led me to leave with my two children. During this time of us being separated, I was involuntarily committed to a hospital. This was in May of last year. I have to praise Almighty God for delivering me from the alcohol and I have been sober now going into the 8th month! Hallelujah!

During this time of separation and my recovery; he found another woman and divorced me. He has since remarried. Although I know that living with a "drunkard" has to be hell...I can't help but feel betrayed that my husband (who promised to love me until death), abandoned me at the time I needed him most. I needed for him to be the strength and the man in the family because I'd fallen into sin and was unable to be the wife and mother I needed to be. Instead, he bailed out!

Had he waited, leaned on the Lord, prayed, and had faith in God's ability to deliver His children from bondage...our marriage would have been restored to God's glory!

You have a tough road ahead of you brother. Think on it like this...what if Jesus "bailed" out on us? What if He got tired of waiting for His Bride (the Church) to get it together? He doesn't abandon us! You are to love your wife as Jesus loves the Church. Don't abandon her. Stand by her. Increase your faith in God's power to heal by making HIM your priority - not her.

I'm praying for you and your wife - that God do a mighty work by giving you supernatural ability to endure and believe. And to God be the Glory!

 

[c1ners]

Is she on pain medication? Maybe too much too often? It's pretty important that you find out how much medication she is actually taking. Too much medication can make a person lose all interest in things.

My sister was once a beautiful young woman. Full of life and energy. Then she became ill. The only thing that helped was pain pills. She now takes five different types of pain pills in one sitting. Not to mention the anti depression pills, thyroid pills, and everything else she takes. In a two year time period she has gained probably 75 lbs, and she is so incoherent half the time that I wonder if she is even here.

If she is taking too many pain pills, she is going to need your help. Love her through it, but only give her exactly what she needs when she needs it. If not, she'll get totally addicted to them, and it will be next to impossible to get her back.

And, if she is not addicted to the pills, please disregard this advise! I wish you and her all the luck!

 

[satguy2000]

Is she on pain medication? Maybe too much too often? It's pretty important that you find out how much medication she is actually taking. Too much medication can make a person lose all interest in things.

My sister was once a beautiful young woman. Full of life and energy. Then she became ill. The only thing that helped was pain pills. She now takes five different types of pain pills in one sitting. Not to mention the anti depression pills, thyroid pills, and everything else she takes. In a two year time period she has gained probably 75 lbs, and she is so incoherent half the time that I wonder if she is even here.

If she is taking too many pain pills, she is going to need your help. Love her through it, but only give her exactly what she needs when she needs it. If not, she'll get totally addicted to them, and it will be next to impossible to get her back.

And, if she is not addicted to the pills, please disregard this advise! I wish you and her all the luck!

Wow.....that sounds exactly like her situation. To some extent it breaks my heart that no matter how much I can love her, I can not take her pain away. I have very much be humbled by mans limitations, but I guess that is a good lesson to learn.

As for her pain meds, she requires them just to function. Dangerous circle as I do not wish to take them away, but I am worried about the amounts and the dependency. I do talk with her doctor about it to monitor it and at least we have been blessed with some good ones. Reading your post though, reminds me how much I need to be aware of this and be very careful with the situation.

Weight issue......same problem. She doubled her weight and other than the health complications, the damage that is has done to her self esteem is the worst. I try to tell her that she is beautiful everyday and hit on her to make her feel wanted, but I have learned that it is very hard when someone doesnt even like themselves. I pray for help here as it needs to be her choice to accept herself, but also commit to getting it better. I do make it known that I will love her no matter what as I ask myself how I would respond if she was in a bad car accident and it affect her visually int he same way.

 

[satguy2000]

I admire you for wanting to do something to save your marriage. I'm also on the other end of your dilema...I was the one with a debilitating illness (alcoholism). In 25 years of marriage, the last 9 were horrible. My husband had always drank alcohol. I started drinking with him because at first, it seemed to reduce the amount of verbal and physical abuse he doled out to me and our two children. Of course that didn't last and the abuse excalated because I was not able to be effective in coming against it because I was drunk. I became "hooked" and part of the problem in the abuse. I drank heavily and often and was more often drunk than sober. As a result, I lost my job. With the alcohol being a depressant and depression setting in at the loss of my job, things really were horrible. The abuse led me to leave with my two children. During this time of us being separated, I was involuntarily committed to a hospital. This was in May of last year. I have to praise Almighty God for delivering me from the alcohol and I have been sober now going into the 8th month! Hallelujah!

During this time of separation and my recovery; he found another woman and divorced me. He has since remarried. Although I know that living with a "drunkard" has to be hell...I can't help but feel betrayed that my husband (who promised to love me until death), abandoned me at the time I needed him most. I needed for him to be the strength and the man in the family because I'd fallen into sin and was unable to be the wife and mother I needed to be. Instead, he bailed out!

Had he waited, leaned on the Lord, prayed, and had faith in God's ability to deliver His children from bondage...our marriage would have been restored to God's glory!

You have a tough road ahead of you brother. Think on it like this...what if Jesus "bailed" out on us? What if He got tired of waiting for His Bride (the Church) to get it together? He doesn't abandon us! You are to love your wife as Jesus loves the Church. Don't abandon her. Stand by her. Increase your faith in God's power to heal by making HIM your priority - not her.

I'm praying for you and your wife - that God do a mighty work by giving you supernatural ability to endure and believe. And to God be the Glory!

I wanted to respond to especially one point that you made though all that you had to say was very inisightful. Something very hard that I have had to learn (and maybe this is harder as a man), but that it is ok to ask for help and not have the answers. But....most importantly, to remember that there is a God that loves us no matter how hard the situation gets and to never stop believing.